Things I learned in Vegas | Mental Poo

Thursday, January 02, 2014

Things I learned in Vegas

Just got back from my first-ever trip to Vegas with the new wife.

I'd never been before, so I thought I'd outline a couple of things that you may or may not know about the city.

Enjoy.

Everything is HUGE

So you're all, like, 'Oh. Let's just walk over to the MGM Grand. It's right there.'

Then you start walking over to the MGM Grand because it looks SO CLOSE and then find yourself, 3 hours later, wishing you'd taken a cab because the hotel is actually 14 miles away at the other end of the strip but LOOKS close because the sign for it is roughly the height of the Empire State Building and now you're crippled.

YAY! Prostitution Poker!

Outside in the streets are people wearing bright shirts that say "Orgasisms" (yes, spelled just like that) and handing out cards with hookers on them.

I've collected all 500 of them hoping they'll be worth money some day. I also plan on playing poker with them because this is probably the best flush I've ever had:

Hotels are cities

Saying, "Oh. Let's go into this hotel" is the same thing as saying, "Oh. Let's wander into the center of a gigantic city and come out 4 hours later" because every single hotel fits a country inside of it.

For example, this is INSIDE 'The Venetian' where you can take a friggin' half-hour long gondola ride through the canal that runs inside of it:


..and this is inside Paris where we stayed:


Crazy.

Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum is one of the funnest things ever

Especially when you can pose like this:


Gordon Ramsey Steak is expensive as fuck

We made reservations at Gordon Ramsey Steak in the Paris Hotel (where we stayed).

2 hours and $400 later (not kidding) we left.

But, yes..we would totally do it again. Fucking amazeballs.

Rich assholes drive asshole cars like this and make you want to key them because they are rubbing this shit right in your face


I can't wait to go back there again. Preferably, I'll drive there in my Lamborghini and not have to take out a mortgage to buy Beef Wellington because my books are selling so well.

That's your cue.

3 comments:

LOTGK said...

You are so correct, the hotels look so close together but once you head out, you better be wearing comfortable shoes. And about the Venetian, yes, it is huge, and it has the Sands Expo center atached, a 2 million plus square foot floor plan.
$400 for the meal, there had beeter been plenty of expensive wine to boost that bill.

Glad you survived.

Vodka Logic said...

For $400 I want Gordon himself to serve it to me.

Timothy Hecht said...

We stayed at Excalibur. It was a long walk just to the Pyramid.
The Tropicana had a great bird show.

Las Vegas is unreal. I can't wait to go again.

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