Lavender Wiggly and Coconut Balls

My testicles smell like a goddamn fruit basket.

Actually...now that I think about it...

...the scent of Kiwi actually makes sense.

Let me explain.

I was taking a shower the other night, as I'm sometimes wont to do, when I realized that it was my monthly duty to use some type of soap product.

Now, a man's typical prerogative (you go Bobby Brown!) is to wash his hair only.

He then lets the soap clean the rest of himself off via gravitational pull.

(Mental Poo: Funny AND Scientific! Where's my NOBEL PRIZE?!?!?)

The theory is that the soap cleans as it goes...

...scrubbing away as it drains down his body...

...towards the sperm-clogged drain.

(hey...first thing's first)


I looked down at the soap dish in the shower...

(after five minutes of trying to remember where it was)

...and saw a simple, sad, soap-Chiclet sitting there.

"This won't do," I thought. "There's barely enough there my sphincter."


After stuffing the soap-chip up my anus, I began rummaging through the endless bottles of crap in the shower looking for some type of soap-substitute.

Body washes.

Shower gels.

Washing-Gel Body-Shower Gel-Washes (now with Retsin!)

Lube.

Sorry...sorry.

The lube is for something else.

HEY! The Chiclet came out!!

I've digressed.

I now had approximately six bottles of crap to choose from in which to suds myself up.

Here's where sharing a bathroom with a woman rears an ugly reality:

WOMEN LIKE TO SMELL LIKE FRUIT.


I'm not sure WHY women like to smell like fruit, but the bottles of shit I had to choose from included the following scents:

1) Coconut

2) Lavender (I actually think this is a flower..but the last time I checked I wasn't gay, so I'm not entirely sure)

3) Green Apple

4) Icy Pineapple

Icy Pineapple.

I have no idea what a fucking icy pineapple is.

I'm sure that where pineapples actually grow, there's no ice and, as such, the inventor of "Icy Pineapple" is just making this shit up.

All I know is that, personally, I don't want to smell like an Icy-Pineapple-Apple-Lavender-Coconut-Jackass when I go play poker with the guys.

In fact, I'm not sure why anyone would want to smell like this...

I mean, don't you attract BIRDS?!?

Regardless, I made my decision that day, based on the fact that I didn't want to smell like potpourri...

...and decided to go with the Chiclet.

No Icy Pineapple for this guy.

No sir.

Today, I smell like sphincter.