Try it at Home: Thinking of You

Just a short one today.

- Bob Dole

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In yet another episode in my "Try it at Home" series, I give you today's lesson:

How to Immediately Make Someone Uncomfortable

(don't worry..this has nothing to do with inserting things in one's anus)

Here's the premise:

We've all had conversations start when someone...

(a friend...a coworker...acquaintance...transexual prostitute, etc.)

...comes up to you and says:

"Hey..I was thinking about you the other day."

They then go on to tell you some goddamn boring story you couldn't give a shit about but now you have to listen to them because you were stupid enough to go, 'Oh, really?'

Like..

The guy's grandmother called and told him about how her colostomy bag popped off accidentally and he thought immediately that the bag HAD to be full of shit and when he thought about things that were 'full of shit' he thought of you and now you just want to stab the guy in the ear with a pen.

Moral of the story:

NEVER SAY 'OH REALLY.'

Just..you know..run away.


Here, my friends...

Here is how you stop them in their tracks.

Or at least make them stutter a bit.

Timing is key here.

Person: "Hey...I thought about you the other day."

At this point, they are fully expecting you to say, 'Oh really?'

But you're smarter than this now.


Instead of 'Oh Really,' they get...

This:

Person: "Hey...I thought about you the other day."

(dramatic pause)

You: "Were you masturbating?"

* blink

..aaaaaaaaaaaannndd....

Scene.

I do this all the time.

It's funny when it happens during meetings.

Everyone laughs except for the person running to get Human Resources.

Friends will laugh or play along (or, in some extreme cases, grab your crotch).

Acquaintances will either:

1) Get nervous..maybe chuckle...then walk away

2) Say, 'Yes, I was masturbating...and I totally had my (vibrator/electric vagina) on full throttle.'

If they go with option 2 there, immediately get all up in that shit.

Same sex or not, you're gettin' somethin' somethin'.

Wow.

I sound like my uncle.

Speaking of my uncle, I thought about him the other day.

Ahem.

Try it at home, kids.

Moog out.