Try it at Home: Thinking of You

Just a short one today.

- Bob Dole

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In yet another episode in my "Try it at Home" series, I give you today's lesson:

How to Immediately Make Someone Uncomfortable

(don't worry..this has nothing to do with inserting things in one's anus)

Here's the premise:

We've all had conversations start when someone...

(a friend...a coworker...acquaintance...transexual prostitute, etc.)

...comes up to you and says:

"Hey..I was thinking about you the other day."

They then go on to tell you some goddamn boring story you couldn't give a shit about but now you have to listen to them because you were stupid enough to go, 'Oh, really?'

Like..

The guy's grandmother called and told him about how her colostomy bag popped off accidentally and he thought immediately that the bag HAD to be full of shit and when he thought about things that were 'full of shit' he thought of you and now you just want to stab the guy in the ear with a pen.

Moral of the story:

NEVER SAY 'OH REALLY.'

Just..you know..run away.


Here, my friends...

Here is how you stop them in their tracks.

Or at least make them stutter a bit.

Timing is key here.

Person: "Hey...I thought about you the other day."

At this point, they are fully expecting you to say, 'Oh really?'

But you're smarter than this now.


Instead of 'Oh Really,' they get...

This:

Person: "Hey...I thought about you the other day."

(dramatic pause)

You: "Were you masturbating?"

* blink

..aaaaaaaaaaaannndd....

Scene.

I do this all the time.

It's funny when it happens during meetings.

Everyone laughs except for the person running to get Human Resources.

Friends will laugh or play along (or, in some extreme cases, grab your crotch).

Acquaintances will either:

1) Get nervous..maybe chuckle...then walk away

2) Say, 'Yes, I was masturbating...and I totally had my (vibrator/electric vagina) on full throttle.'

If they go with option 2 there, immediately get all up in that shit.

Same sex or not, you're gettin' somethin' somethin'.

Wow.

I sound like my uncle.

Speaking of my uncle, I thought about him the other day.

Ahem.

Try it at home, kids.

Moog out.

Try it at Home, Kids: Fly With Purple Skeletons and That's Why

Before I start:

Don't forget the BIIIIIIIG contest that I started yesterday.

You can win an authentic "Mental Poo" Mug!

Which, you know...

...you can also buy at my store.

Fine.

Contest ain't that big.

You have 6 more days to enter!

Now...ONWARD!!

***********************

It's another episode of Moooooog's "Try it at Home" series!

Hooray.

For me.

Hooray for me.

Woohoo.

You know, it would really help my self asteem if you'd at least snap your fingers or some shit.

Thanks.

Today, I give you yet another annoying thing that I do on a pretty regular basis.

Amused, my wife is not.

Yoda was the fo-shizzle.

Today's thing:

The Unintelligible Reply

I hate when this shit happens.

I'll be upstairs or somewhere TOTALLY out of earshot...

...and my wife (or Asian prostitute - depends on the day and time)...

...shouts something to me from, like, down in the basement totally out of earshot.

Wife (yelling because she's 900 feet away): "ROD?!"

Me: "WHAT?!?"

Wife: "Where is the mwaang get the gwaangh slee bwith mapeph?"

* blink

What the fuck did she just say?

Anyone know? Anyone?

Because I have no fucking clue.

No.

No one knows.

No one knows because she's on a different floor of the house...at the total opposite end...

...probably behind cardboard boxes or my stained Elvira Halloween cutout (good times...good times) and shouting some shit to me at the top of her lungs and I can't understand a fucking word she's saying.


So I shout back something like this:

Me: "I put the blue ladder up the kitchen to get the green sneakers!!"

* silence

After about 10 seconds of my wife trying to process what the fuck she just heard, I get:

Wife: "WHAT?!?!"

Me: "EXACTLY!!"

Most times, my wife wants to kill me.


Par for the course really.

Hold on...she's calling me now for something.

Me: "I PUT IT OVER THE BLANKET WITH THE HAT IN THE ELF RAINBOW!"

Seriously.

She's going to kill me.

Go ahead kids:

Try it at home.