Hoffy Birthday to Us

David Hasselhoff has been integrating himself nicely into our household since he first appeared.

I have to tell you, there's nothing quite so awesome as waking up in the morning or coming home from a shitty day at work and seeing David Hasselhoff smiling at you in your living room.

*door opens after fumbling keys*

Me: "UGH. What a shitty day at work. I'm tired and exhausted and ..."

"HEY ROD! Cheer up! Look! I'm IN YOUR LIVING ROOM!"

Me: "Hi David!"

*whistles as rainbows and unicorns and a small gnome named 'Ralph' appear*

His cardboard excellence completes me.

So it was just a matter of time before David also started taking part in some of our get-togethers at the house.

Here, for instance, is me turning 45 years old and celebrating every step of the way with David Hasselhoff surfing behind me, cheerfully:

How can you not be excited around this guy?

You can almost hear him in his Hasselhoff voice saying, "Happy Birthday, Tiger."

Thank you, Hoff.

So when my daughter turned 13 years old, it was obviously a pretty big deal.

We decorated the house with wall hangings and balloons and banners and posters and all kinds of crazy crap hanging from the ceilings.

There was just one last decoration left to do:

It's party time.

I think that adding the balloon tied to his finger was a nice touch.

Then it was party time and we went to dinner and opened presents and it was time for cake

Yay cake!

Me: "WHOA. Don't blow out the candles yet, honey! Someone is missing!"

NOW you can blow out the candles.

As you can see, she was thrilled about David taking part in her celebration.

Then we all sang "Hoffy Birthday to You." I am not kidding.

IT WAS AMAZING.

For us.

David Hasselhoff cordially invites you...

It's safe to say at this point that David Hasselhoff is wearing pretty thin in my household these days.

He's pretty much become an integral part of our everyday lives, much to the chagrin of my fiancee.

My fiancee who will - on November 23, 2103 - become my wife.

O_O

We decided to have a very very very small wedding because (a) we're pretty much broke and (b) please see (a).

So of course we're doing all the normal wedding planning bullshit that comes along with planning a ceremony that you can't really afford or don't want to have or spend any money on when the decision on how we should invite the 15 friends and family came up.

Ah.

Invitations.

Normally I don't give a shit about anything except saving money but OH MY GOD THE GREATEST INVITATION IDEA OF ALL TIME IS RIGHT HERE IN OUR LIVING ROOM. So I came up with this:

I think the stars and lightning bolts really underscore how Hofftastic the wedding is going to be.

If by 'Hofftastic' you mean 'you should probably eat beforehand and maybe bring a flask because it's cash bar and we'll probably only serve pigs in a blanket.'

This was after I suggested having the cutout brought to the hall where we're getting married and having him be the ringbearer.

Like this:

This got shot down even though I thought this was also a Hofftastic idea.


I can see I'm not going to win many arguments, already.

Life with Hoff

Oh, David Hasselhoff, you complete me.

If you're a friend of mine on Facebook, you may have heard this story or seen some of these photos.

If not, you're in for a treat.

You see, here in the Northeast, a local gas station/convenient store chain named "Cumberland Farms" decided to hire David Hasselhoff to do a jingle for their Farmhouse Blend coffee.

This? This is the commercial and - I must warn you - it's one of the best commercial/jingles ever made in the history of ever.


OMG I LOVE IT SO MUCH.

Suffice it to say, pretty much all of New England was singing this at some point.

This includes, but not limited to, this time:

My son and I had just dropped my daughter off at a Red Cross Babysitting course because, well, it's probably best that we have an established organization to blame when her babysitting results in some type of maiming.

It's all about deniability.

As we were heading home, I decided to stop at Cumberland Farms for some gas.

It was at this time that my son - 9 at the time - got out of the car and headed toward the building. I could not see him over the other cars pumping gas, but I DID see the store door swing open and then, my son, full blast singing:

"FARMHOUSE BLEND I'M GONNA PICK YOU UP!!"


I saw the door swing closed and my son running, as fast as he could, right at me screaming "GO! GO! GO!" as if he had just robbed a bank.

Of course I wasn't done pumping gas, so he just jumped in the passenger seat and slumped down so no one could see him or his embarrassment. But I've always been one to tell my kids, "If you want to do something stupid, just do it. You will probably never see this people ever again as long as you live." My son has taken this to heart and does crazy things whenever he can. Sadly.

As is custom, I Tweeted to Cumberland Farms what my son did.

I was surprised when, in a response, they asked for my home address because they wanted to send my son a "Hofftastic Surprise." Their quote, not mine. This makes me sad, too, because it's awesome and I wish I'd thought of it first.

A few weeks later, THIS arrived in a 6-foot long box at my doorstep:

 

YES.

A roughly 6-foot tall cardboard David Hasselhoff on a surfboard holding an iced coffee magically appeared and was immediately set up in front of my fireplace in the living room.

Of course, David instantly became one of the family and started showing up in all our photos:

We love him so much.

That last one is my new profile picture on Facebook and Twitter.

Hofftastic.