The 2013 Christmas Light SPECTACULAR!

I hate decorating.

I really do. It's not that I'm a Grinch (I am) or I'm lazy (I really am), but I just don't see the point in dragging out tons of lights at Christmas and freezing to string them up only to have them buried under 4 feet of snow for 4 months rendering them unable to be taken in until April.

So I don't.

BUT I got married in November and my wife likes decorating.

Plus, I have to contend with seeing stuff like this in my town:

WHAT. THEFUCK.

Seriously, dude. WHY?!

Not to be outdone, I went to town on my house.

VOILA!

I know. I know.

It's a bit overwhelming.

One light strand was about as much as I was willing to decorate.

However, just to keep things fresh, I would change it up every night or so.

So this is what would greet my wife whenever she'd get home from work:

I know. I might have gone a bit overboard.

But, hey, it's Christmas.

Holiday Pup-lic Humiliation

Because I apparently have mental issues, I took my dog to have his picture taken with Santa, resulting in one of the saddest, most pathetic faces I have ever seen on any dog EVER:

How friggin adorable is Jax?

Then I got to thinking that this would make some of the best LOLJax pictures so, well, here you go:

He's going to kill me in my sleep.

I just know it.

RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES! - My very own "Twas the Night Before Christmas" rewrite

I was kind of shocked to hear this on the news the other day:

 

Some woman spent $200,000 dollars of her own money to have "Twas the Night Before Christmas" rewritten with the entire section about Santa smoking a pipe removed.

This begs two questions:

1) Really?!

and

2) Can I borrow some money?

So I decided to go ONE STEP FURTHER and not only spend NO MONEY doing a rewrite of "Twas the Night Before Christmas," but to make it:

- even MORE politically correct,
- not biased towards any religion and/or holiday, AND
- modernized

You will see in my new version that Santa is now pretty jacked and not a big obese guy that would normally be charged with home invasion.

Enjoy.

There.

That's better.

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, etc. etc. to you all. Seriously.

Merry Moog out.

The 2012 Moooooog Family Holiday Letter!!

One of the most - if not THE MOST - popular posts of mine have been:

The Moooooog Family Holiday Letters

Since they are so popular and so much has happened in the past year..

..I decided to do it again.

Please sit back, relax, and enjoy some goddamn holiday misery.

Yep.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

Unless you're Jewish. Then it just looks like a regular Sunday.

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Want more Holiday Letter posts? Then go visit "Tribal Blogs" who is right now doing a blog carnival on the topic!

The Time I Was Ascared

Christmas, 1978.

I had just received my very first digital clock as a present.

As you can imagine, this is what every 10-year old always dreams of. Waking, bright eyed and wondrous...tearing into his presents with excitement and anticipation and then opening a fucking clock ARE YOU KIDDING ME, SANTA?!

But this was DIGITAL so of course I took it out of the box and plugged it in and fiddled with it for a little bit by pressing this and moving that and what does this button do? and OOH IT HAS RED LIGHTS and then kind of just threw it over on my bed because as every kid knows you can only play with a digital clock for a few hours straight before it starts to get boring.

On the bright side, I also got a book.

I'm just now coming to the realization that this was probablyl the worst. Christmas. Ever.

But the book I got from Santa was 'The Amityville Horror' in paperback. Because nothing says 'Merry Christmas' like the story of demonic possession in a house where an entire family was murdered by their son.

*angels sing*

Regardless, I remember being very excited to get this book because - as I'm sure you've realized - I'm kind of warped and at even age 10 I was a little effed in the melon. So of course I thumbed through it and got to the part where the house yells "GET OUT" and HOLY SHIT THAT WAS SPOOKY.

Being the responsible boy that I was, I immediately ran upstairs in our two-family house to get my cousin, Kim, to read her the whole passage because at age 7 this would probably freak the ever-loving SHIT out of her and what kind of cousin would I be if I didn't do that?

RIGHT.

So, there Kim and I sat on the edge of my bed as I read the passage in the creepiest voice I could muster while being a 10-year old boy with the voice of a squirrel. Please note that I'm paraphrasing here because I'm too cheap to buy the book for the actual quotes and Google was fairly useless.

Me (reading): "..the room filled with flies.."

Kim's eyes widened, as I continued...

Me (deepening my voice): "..Father Mancuso began to spread holy water..when suddenly..a voice.."

The room remained deathly quiet..

Me (in a booming voice): "..GET OUT!!.."

As I read these words, I could feel the fear growing in myself.

And as much as it was painfully obvious that my poor little cousin, Kim, was shitting her little pants, I was too.

For effect, I deepened my voice as low as I could muster.

Then I repeated the words again..deeper and louder:

Me: "GET....OUT!!!!!"

It was at this PRECISE moment that the digital alarm clock that I had received as a present and was fumbling around with earlier decided to have it's fucking alarm go off.

BZZZZ BZZZZ BZZZZ BZZZZ BZZZZ BZZZZ BZZZZ BZZZZZ

The last thing I remember was leaping from my bed and SCREAMING while running the full length of my house at roughly the speed of sound with my poor little cousin, Kim, right behind me and also screaming her lungs as well - but probably because she was trapped in the vacuum created by my draft as I made a beeline for my parents.

Sweating. Heart pounding. Scared shitless.

I could still hear my alarm clock buzzing it's evil little brain out in my room with me being too petrified to go back in there and try to figure out how to shut the goddamn thing off.

To this very day, I hate that sound.

And demons that yell at you to leave.

They suck, too.

The Bassbuds Review and - boy - do I have a deal for you

I got an email asking if I wanted to review some earbuds called "Bassbuds" on here and - in turn - be able to give YOU, my loyal readers, a great big giant discount on buying some of your own.

If you want to skip the blah-blah-blah and head right to the deal, just skip ahead to the bottom of this post but you're totally missing out on some humor. The more you know.

I had to double-check that these were earbuds because the last time I got something called "BassBuddy" it was a fake singing fish. Not cool. Not cool at ALL, mom.

Of course I said 'yes' because, let's face it: free stuff is free stuff.

If there's one thing I learned from my dad it's "Never turn down free stuff" and if there's two things I learned from my dad it's "Never turn down free stuff" and "children will get a beating if you don't bring their dad beer RIGHT WHEN THEY ASK FOR IT."

I've digressed.

Bassbuds!

My Bassbuds arrived and I promptly unpacked them and they looked really really cool but pink. Pink. FINE.

Luckily, these things come in 20 colors which are great for kids because kids suck when it comes to getting them something the wrong color. You will find this out the way I did when I bought my daughter her 4th pair of ear buds in 3 weeks and made the mistake of getting green because that's all they had left. Hell hath no fury like a 12 year old girl who gets lime green ear buds when she wanted purple with skulls. True story.

Bassbuds are compatible with all SmartPhones and even have an integrated microphone.

However, since I'm too cheap to (a) buy a SmartPhone or (b) afford the plan required for a SmartPhone, I decided to test them out on my $65 iPod Shuffle and my iPod Touch because I'm 87 years old and that's what I own.

So of course I wasted no time in plugging them into my iPod and firing up some Jackson 5 tunes. I mean, um, Billy Joel. I mean Prince. I mean Metallica. Yeah. Metallica and death stuff.

I thought they sounded great and were super comfortable. They have 'memory foam' cushions for your ears which come in different sizes. This is good for me because I have ears the size of thimbles.

WHAT?

They also come with a tangle-free cord which is ALSO good for me because when I'm in the gym listening to Barbara Streisand..um..Slipknot...I usually prance around. This tends to get me kicked out of the gym while simultaneously tangling my cords. So this should help.

Long story short, these things sounded really really good and my daughter gave it 'two thumbs up' in between giving me the pre-teen angst attitude crap.

Regardless, if you're looking for a gift to give to someone who loves music and is looking for some high quality earbuds, I suggest you click on the link below and order yourself a pair. Or two. It's not my money so honestly I don't care how many you get.


***********************
THE DEAL YOU GET:

If you want a pair for yourself, or for a holiday gift for someone else:

CLICK HERE TO ORDER YOUR BASSBUDS

Then, at checkout, enter in this coupon code:

BB59842

This code will give you $30 OFF the price of a pair of Bassbuds!!

(FYI - since they're coming from the UK, the prices are in GBP but the coupon IS taken off at checkout. I confirmed this by buying my own.)

A Halloween Pictorial - Mental Poo style

First: Happy Halloween.

Second: Happy birthday to whoever this "Sam Hain" guy is.

17th: I can't count sequentially.

Today is Halloween and I didn't have a post scheduled but thought I'd share with you a couple of SCARY pictures that have posted up on my Facebook page.

Boo.

*******************
This first one was taken at a Halloween store where my son and I decided to don these giant Romney/Obama masks and duke it out.

Looks like Obama isn't even paying attention.

Typical.

*******************

This one was taken last week when, after a workout, I noticed that even my chest sweat was getting into the Halloween spirit:

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Then Hurricane Sandy hit and I lost power so the kids and I sat around in my living room by the fireplace with our flashlights and told spooky stories.

Even my dog, Jax, got in on it and really pulled off the 'flashlight under the chin' to ramp up the SPOOKY effect of his storytelling:

*******************

Of course, my kids went back to my ex-wife's house during the power outage because SHE had power at my old house.

This left me alone in my bedroom with just me, my spooky dog, and a flashlight that I used as a source of..

..um..

..light.

WTF.

Right.

Like being alone in a house without power during a hurricane isn't scary enough. I have to have "Evil Flashlight Face" projected on my ceiling to keep me company.

Awesome.

Happy Halloween!!

Let's hope the Mayans were idiots

I thought I had a post up today but I guess I didn't so I'm writing this at 9:15 am on December 30th and, well, ta-da!

*insert trumpet sounds here

Since I don't have really much to write about except the upcoming New Year I'll just post this picture of a cartoon spin-off idea I had about shape-shifting robots confused about their sexuality.

Transgenderformers:


I don't know where this shit comes from, either.

Regardless, here's to wishing you and yours a very Happy New Year and that we all don't die in 2012 but that, in the case we do, human kind isn't represented solely by John Cusack.

See you all next year. And thanks for reading!

Moog out.

Frosty the Recovering Alcoholic

In keeping with my Christmas theme this week, I present to you a picture of a couple of decorative snowmen I saw in my neighborhood this week.


Man.

The snowmen in my neighborhood sure know how to party.

Rappy Rolidays

Well..I'm right the Hell outta here for Christmas vacation but I'd like to stop and talk to YOU, my fine readers, and thank you for coming by and reading my drivel and mental swill and..seriously...

Wish you the best of everything this holiday season.

With that, I'm outta here but not before showing you some custom crafted Christmas cards I threw together starring my dog, Jax.






On a related note: I designed this by myself without any help from the art schools in Florida.

Happy whatever you celebrate, everyone...even if you celebrate nothing.

See you next week!

Moog out.

Shelf Elf Kama Sutra

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Merry Christmas you cheap bastards

And this is how I wish my coworkers 'Happy Holidays.'


So far? NO DELIVERIES.

Unbelievable.

The 2011 Moooooog Family Holiday Letter

Last year at this time I published what has been, by far, the most popular post EVER on this site.

The Moooooog Family Holiday Letter

Since it was so popular and so much has happened in the past year..

..I decided to do it again.

Please sit back, relax, and enjoy some goddamn holiday misery.


Yep.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

Unless you're Jewish. Then it just looks like a regular Sunday.

******************************
Want more Holiday Letter posts? Then go visit "Tribal Blogs" who is right now doing a blog carnival on the topic!

The stockings were what?!

A lot of people ask me, "How do you have time to write stuff for your blog when you also have a job?" which, to me, actually should be "How do you keep your job when all you do there is write stuff for your blog?"

It's all in the semantics, people.

So I'm sitting here on a Wednesday morning and with Christmas rapidly approaching, had this in my head for whatever reason so I decided to just draw it up and throw it out there.


See?

Stocking hung. Hung stocking.

Semantics, people. Semantics.

Actually, "Guapo the Elf" kinda has a nice ring to it

With Christmas rapidly approaching it was time to break out the old "Elf on a Shelf" for the kids.

If you're not familiar with what an "Elf on a Shelf" is, maybe my answer to someone on Facebook asking the same thing will help:


You're welcome.

So my son is convinced that these Elves are truly magical so he looked at me one night and said:

Son: "OH! I have to write my letter to my Shelf Elf!"

Me: "..um...why?"

Son: "So he can answer it."

Me: "He answers it? How does he answer it?"

Son: "IN GLITTER!"

Me: "...."

It's at this point that I can hear my ex-wife laughing at me because it's 8 pm and my son is writing a letter that he expects to be answered IN GLITTER PEN and guess who doesn't have a glitter pen? That's right. *I* don't have a glitter pen because (a) I'm a guy and (b) I forgot to get a new glitter pen when my last one ran out of glitter pen ink when I was bedazzling my cutoff jean shorts.


Regardless, my son wrote out his questions to his Elf and put it near the front door so that his Elf would magically answer them.

And, lo and behold...

he did.


This is about as dainty as my handwriting gets.

I typically end all my sentences with little heart exclamations, though. Adds a personal touch.

My son is reading this laughing and goes, "The Grinch or Braveheart? What is Braveheart?"

Me: "GREAT movie. Really violent, though. I'm surprised Santa lets him watch it."

Then he gets to the BFF question.

Son: "HAHAHAHA. Guapo the Elf?"

Me: "That actually has kind of a nice ring to it."

Then he flips it over and reads the note on the back:


Yes..I was in the home stretch of this thing and somehow screwed up spelling "Merry" and, instead, started writing "Meery" as in "Meery Creestmas."

Which, actually, sounds like something Guapo the Elf would say.