Vasectomy #5 - 50 ways to lube your lover | Mental Poo

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Vasectomy #5 - 50 ways to lube your lover

My right arm is going to be HUGE.

As the date for my v-cut draws near (2 weeks), I started going over some of the stuff I need to get in line before and after I go in.

My first order of business is to buy a cup.

I haven’t bought a cup since little league. In fact, since I’m approximately the same size I was in little league, I could probably just try to dig that old one out. My other option is to purchase the “Sumo Wrestler Cabbage Patch Kid” and use the little thing he’s wearing. It would probably fit.

Then I started thinking about the “requirement” that the doctor put on me AFTER the surgery.

As previously mentioned, she said that after the surgery I would need to ejaculate 25 times, and bring in the 26th sample.

25 times.


25 TIMES?!?!?

My arm hurts just thinking about it. I may need to schedule another cortisone shot with my orthopedist.

Now, she told me that it can take a guy anywhere from two weeks to eight weeks to bring in that 26th sample. However, being married for 11 years, with two children, I can get myself done in approximately 29 seconds…25 seconds if I’m in the shower with a new bar of Dial.

As such, I’m considering this a challenge – I mean, c’mon…8 WEEKS? Rent me a half-decent porn and I’m halfway to 25 samples within an hour.

In fact, I’m considering calling Fox and introducing this as a new game show idea:

Show’s working title: Beat the C*ck

Contestant Number one: “I can fill that cup in 30 seconds”
Contestant Number two: “I can fill that cup in 25 seconds”
Contestant Number one (after much deliberation and realizing that the only mental imagery he has to go on is lame Cinemax porn): “Contestant number two, fill that cup!”

At which point, Contestant number two, with only the power of his mind and a keen sense of self, retreats to the on-stage shower and…against all odds…tries to “Beat the C*ck!”

..this is how my mind works. I have no control over it.

Another thing I have to worry about is how to keep my hobby interesting. I mean, at some point, same-ol’ same-ol’ just isn’t going to do. I’m going to need to be inventive…like…oh, drawing faces on my hand (like Senor Wences) for a little interaction.

I could also draw faces on each hand…where my left hand is the slutty one, and my right hand is the prude (as they say, “Lefty Loosey, Righty Tighty”). To make it even more interesting, I could just sit there and let my hands go at each other for a while first...

...I like to watch.

Now, I’ve been trying to figure out once I get this penis-party started how I’m going to keep track of all of this. I mean, it’s obvious to me that my kids will start to question the tally-marks I’m making on the calendar in the kitchen, and there’s no way I’ll be able to explain them away.

“Well kids, daddy has to keep track of how many times he thinks of hard-core sex including, but not limited to, lesbian encounters, threesomes and gangbangs…resulting in an episode of self-pleasuring that I’m praying you never, ever, ever do – you need to promise me this...promise me this RIGHT NOW so I may maintain my sanity.”

So I’m thinking that instead, I’m going to use one of those Christmas calendars, where you open the doors for every day to Christmas starting at December 1. If I use this method, not only will I be able to keep track of my progress towards number 26, but after every successful pop, I’d get to eat a piece of chocolate.

…After I wash my hands, of course.


Eve said...

Wow I wonder what the 26th one has that will be different than the previous 25. How they found out it had to be 26 before they could proclaim you free. Glad you added the wash your hands part at the end. Congrats on the self reward after being self rewarding.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

hmmm, sounds like you need to ask wifey for some help by giving you some handy j's.

oh, and i dont think you should remove the chocolate before you start jizzing on the calendar.

Anonymous said...

Dude. the advent calendar is a BRILLIANT idea.

Anonymous said...

love the advent calendar idea.. as far as "inspiration" when my hubby got his "V" i helped him .. played the stripper role, oral, danced, all that for about a week..(maybe your wife can do that for you?) then had him finish in the cup for the last time, (not the most romantic, but still got the job done)...

Mr and Mrs Knutzen said...

Seriously? Why do you have to jack off 26 times? I really don't get it...oh well. Have fun and buy Costco sized lube!

Xtylish said...

There is only so much a man can take. The doctors will wheel you out of your house and ask:

"Didn't you see the signs? I mean... you must have got the message that your body had taken enough when your last few ejaculations were just… salt.

Baba Doodlius said...

Hey, you're married, why don't you, uh, recruit some assistance? That could be waaay more fun than the ol' grab-n-tug.

Moooooog35 said...

To answer everyone's questions:

She told me that these little guys can linger around for a looooong time. Hence, the "26th is the charm" mentality, I guess. I'm gonna be wiped.

I'm hopeful, yes, that I can get some assistance here. If I don't, I'm not only going to need a lot of lube, but a lot of Ben-Gay.

..I'm just looking forward to eating chocolate.

AngryMan said...

No chaffing concerns, eh?

Malach the Merciless said...

Ryan Seacrest would help

prin said...

I definitely hope the wifey can help out. That's a lot of work for just one guy.

I assume you'll remind us the night before so we can all wish you luck?

Anonymous said...

26 times? I think I had to do more. Fortunately, it wasn't to be done all in one sitting....

Have fun!!

Sara Sue said...

I don't get what all the fuss is about ... you've got an internet connection.

Anonymous said...

I love the faces on the hands idea. For instance, the left hand could be Britney Spears..the right, Anita Bryant? "Now Britney, you save some fun for Anita, she has some other juicing to get to".

Anonymous said...

I've posted a photo of what can happen. See if that's you on my site.

A Girl, A Boy, and Me said...

Maybe offer the chocolate as an incentive to your wife?

I'd do anything for a chocolate! :P

Phoebe Fay said...

26 times. Damn. Multiple orgasms. Yet one more case where women have a HUGE advantage!

Kitty DeMure said...

you COULD have sex, silly! just use a condom. When my husband had his vasectomy they told him to come back with his sample by a certain date. I remember fondly handing over the sample...the guy at the counter sorta raised an eyebrow and said "ah, semen." very matter of fact, totally unimpressed. it was kind of disappointing yet funny at the same time. oh the joys of snip-snip!

jon be me said...


I'm glad I got my V last year. I was excited at having more "freedom"! Unfortunately, at the same time I got my V, my wife got her "N"... in No more sex... :(



I do have a lot of chocolate, though, if anyone is interested.... :)

abbagirl said...

ROFL this post is hilarious! i'd high-five you -- but you'd have to reassure me that you washed your hands. ;)

thanks for stopping by my blog. your comment made me laugh out loud. i may not post pics of myself in victoria's secret, but rest assured, i always make sure that money is well-spent. ;)

-- abbagirl

Bruce said...

An Advent calendar! Why didn't I think of that? Man and I had it done on Dec. 28 too, we would've been finished using it for the year. Damn.

I've got one word for you. Lima Beans. Wait, that's two words. Two bags of frozen Lima Beans. You can rotate them in and out of the freezer. I used Limas because nobody in my house eats them so they wouldn't grab the bag that was on my balls by mistake. the cold will be your friend. And don't freak out (too much) the first time you look down there and see that your crotch is an interesting shade of dark purple.
I also hope your doctor is a litte more gentle than mine. He said you won't feel a thing. Then he yanked on something with a pair of forceps and I almost put my head through the drywall behind me.

Nellioness said...

Great great post :P

And the comments here are very funny.

When all this will be over, you'll be writing on how you feel now when this is all over. It would be hot to know how your sex life goes after this ;))

Anonymous said...

I'm telling ya, though it might be too late now, your wife is part of this. My wife who is almost never willing to have sex, agreed to her part in this, which was to take care of the 25 (or in my case, my doctor said 10) wanks. It's also always fun to have the wife take on the job of making sure it all goes in the sample cup. I *cough* accidentally forgot to bring in the sample once, so she had to do it again because I didn't think the doctor would take a cup of dried up white powdery stuff. My doctor actually wanted two samples, 8 weeks apart.

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