Dear Easter Bunny,
Just wanted to write you a "Thank You" note for the wonderful day I had on Easter.
That was sarcasm.
If I ever bump into you outside of the mall, I'm going to give you back your Easter Baskets, "sphincter-style."
Pray that day never comes.
I particularly enjoyed:
1) Being yelled at by my wife because I ran out of videotape as the kids were opening their baskets.
It's not the fact that I'm running out of tape that makes her mad...
...it's that this happens EVERY F*CKING holiday.
If it's an event that should be videotaped for posterity, the chances are almost 100% that I've run out of tape when recording it.
I suck like that.
2) Cleaning up crap.
It was Easter morning, and my wife had been cooking for three days straight.
Realizing this, I help feed the kids, get them dressed, and clean the house for company.
(sorry, ladies...this 5-foot tall, balding, premature ejaculating guy is spoken for!)
After 3 hours of this, I finally exclaimed:
"The house is clean!"
Before I leave to take a shower, I let my dog in from outside.
Apparently, my dog has pooped the approximate volume of a small child...
...and has subsequently stepped in it.
And - OH JOY OF JOYS...
...she's now running ALL AROUND MY HOUSE with a giant glop of dog sh*t on her paw.
*squish squash plopppfth pffthhspp squish*
(extra points to me for working in "hard wood" in a post about dog crap)
Crap is smeared EVERYWHERE.
Realizing that the entire floor is now covered in poo, I yell out a warning to my kids:
Me: "DON'T. MOVE! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE!"
It's at this point that my daughter decides that it would be best to ignore me and NOT stay where she is...
...and instead jump down from her chair...
...and step right in a pile of dog sh*t on the dining room floor.
The fun factor here increases when she realizes that she's only wearing socks.
This induces screaming and crying.
Daughter: "I've got poo on my foot!! I've got poo on my foot!!"
A vein in my head pops and I have an aneurism.
Actually, that's what I wished had happened.
Instead, I started freaking out at both the dog and my daughter.
In the middle of telling my dog that "I should throw her into the middle of the street so she can be hit by something fast and heavy"...
...my daughter with the poo-socks begins crying:
"Don't throw her in the street!!"
HAPPY. F*CKING. EASTER.
The next hour is filled with me doing the following:
1) Cleaning dog crap out of the carpet
2) Cleaning dog crap off of my daughter
3) Cleaning dog crap off of my dog
4) Going to the neighbors and cleaning up random dog crap (I was on a roll at this point)
Much fun was had by all.
3) The Holiday Belittling
The other highlight was when my wife's grandmother told one of our guests that he was a horrible person.
Guest: "I may seem bad on the outside..but I'm a good person on the inside."
Grandma: "No. You're bad on the outside AND the inside."
Me: "Um...more ham?"
Good times...good times.
Cuz, you know...
...nothing says "Happy Easter" more than the complete and utter humiliation and degredation of someone in front of their family and friends.
Thanks, Easter Bunny.
You're bad...on the outside AND the inside.
Don't forget to participate on my pole...um...in the poll...on the left if you haven't already!