Bunny Crap (an open letter to the Easter Bunny) | Mental Poo

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Bunny Crap (an open letter to the Easter Bunny)


Dear Easter Bunny,

Just wanted to write you a "Thank You" note for the wonderful day I had on Easter.

That was sarcasm.

Seriously.

If I ever bump into you outside of the mall, I'm going to give you back your Easter Baskets, "sphincter-style."

Pray that day never comes.


I particularly enjoyed:

1) Being yelled at by my wife because I ran out of videotape as the kids were opening their baskets.

It's not the fact that I'm running out of tape that makes her mad...

...it's that this happens EVERY F*CKING holiday.

Every. Holiday.

If it's an event that should be videotaped for posterity, the chances are almost 100% that I've run out of tape when recording it.

I suck like that.

2) Cleaning up crap.

It was Easter morning, and my wife had been cooking for three days straight.

Realizing this, I help feed the kids, get them dressed, and clean the house for company.

(sorry, ladies...this 5-foot tall, balding, premature ejaculating guy is spoken for!)

After 3 hours of this, I finally exclaimed:

"The house is clean!"

Before I leave to take a shower, I let my dog in from outside.

Apparently, my dog has pooped the approximate volume of a small child...

...and has subsequently stepped in it.

And - OH JOY OF JOYS...

...she's now running ALL AROUND MY HOUSE with a giant glop of dog sh*t on her paw.

*squish squash plopppfth pffthhspp squish*


NO!!!!!!

Carpet.

*squish*

Tile.

*squish*

Hardwood.

*squish*

(extra points to me for working in "hard wood" in a post about dog crap)

Carpet.

*squish*

Mother. F*cker.

Crap is smeared EVERYWHERE.

It's poo-tastic.


Realizing that the entire floor is now covered in poo, I yell out a warning to my kids:

Me: "DON'T. MOVE! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE!"

It's at this point that my daughter decides that it would be best to ignore me and NOT stay where she is...

...and instead jump down from her chair...

...and step right in a pile of dog sh*t on the dining room floor.

The fun factor here increases when she realizes that she's only wearing socks.

This induces screaming and crying.

Daughter: "I've got poo on my foot!! I've got poo on my foot!!"

Awesome.

A vein in my head pops and I have an aneurism.

Actually, that's what I wished had happened.

Instead, I started freaking out at both the dog and my daughter.

In the middle of telling my dog that "I should throw her into the middle of the street so she can be hit by something fast and heavy"...

...my daughter with the poo-socks begins crying:

"Don't throw her in the street!!"

Fine.

HAPPY. F*CKING. EASTER.

The next hour is filled with me doing the following:

1) Cleaning dog crap out of the carpet
2) Cleaning dog crap off of my daughter
3) Cleaning dog crap off of my dog
4) Going to the neighbors and cleaning up random dog crap (I was on a roll at this point)

Much fun was had by all.

3) The Holiday Belittling

The other highlight was when my wife's grandmother told one of our guests that he was a horrible person.

Guest: "I may seem bad on the outside..but I'm a good person on the inside."

*pause*

Grandma: "No. You're bad on the outside AND the inside."

*cricket*

Me: "Um...more ham?"


Good times...good times.

Cuz, you know...

...nothing says "Happy Easter" more than the complete and utter humiliation and degredation of someone in front of their family and friends.

Thanks, Easter Bunny.

You're bad...on the outside AND the inside.
******************

Don't forget to participate on my pole...um...in the poll...on the left if you haven't already!

19 comments:

Mike said...

Granny rocks!

Can I come over so she can belittle me?

ThisIsTheLife said...

Reminds me of home. Great blog.

Polgara said...

He he he he he

theoffendedblogger said...

Wow! I am so happy you had such a lovely, uneventful Easter!

I do hope you washed up before dinner hehehe. :p

Pete said...

Fantastic tale; I can relate directly to your canine problems: the dog at my house loves to eat grass all the livelong day. Whether this is to settle his stomach or simply to sop up old beer spills is a mystery; every single time he eats grass, however, he waits until he's four inches inside the house to throw it all back up. The green spot on our floor, growing slowly but surely, is a testament to what I believe is his hatred towards the humans in the house.

Malach the Merciless said...

Hence Malach having a huge yard, but not owning a dog!

Catscratch Diva said...

The Easter Bunny is Satan's hand puppet.

moooooog35 said...

Diva: I thought I was Satan's hand puppet.

Which now begs the question:

If it's not Satan's, then who's hand is in my ass?!?!?

Jen said...

Holy dog crap. I would have left the house and returned around midnight. Gotta love when the kids don't listen.

Hungry Mother said...

Except for the dog part, it seems just like a normal holiday to me.

Malicious Intent said...

See, this is exactly why I don't do holidays. We do a spring holiday family basket. One basket, that's it. I cook a ham, one side. Invite NO ONE over. That ham is our and we aint sharing it. Then we sit around, cuddle, watch movies and ignore the phone. THAT is a holiday. Ever since we left family out of the equasion, holidays are really rather pleasant now. What you do is self inflicted torture due to bending under social pressures. Since I am a rebel, I could give a shit. Come to the dark side poo.......we are waiting for you.... (Yes, I am blogging on your blog again, bite me.)

leigh said...

this just validates all my reasons for not having a dog. poop sux.

Titania Starlight said...

So you had a great Easter, huh? It always sucked at my house when I was little. I recall my father throwing a Christmas tree through the front door. Also when my mom's pet bird jumped on my brother and pooped on his shoulder then pounced in my potato salad with her turdy birdy feet. What a fiasco. You brought back some great memories, Moog.

Jonah said...

Mal is right. . . very funny indeed. (She sent me over here.)
I, however, am an optimist. . . if it wasn't for poo and the damned easter bunny. . . what would you have to write/complain, about??
I am thankful.

Malicious Intent said...

Hey Jonah, welcome to poo land. Bring yer fishing boots...ya need them over here. :)

Free pot shots at mooooog are exceptable and expected. He lives for the abuse.

Dr Zibbs said...

Videotape? You must be rich. We still use beta.

HeyJoe said...

Granny - kicking ass and taking names. BOOYA!

The old bat sounds like a fun time.

Anonymous said...

Oh my, that was pure comedy. With a dog and three cats I have had my poo moments. It always seems to happen prior to guest arriving. My beagle is infamous for finding the only pile of crap in the backyard and tracking it though the house.
www.thumbsuporpantsdown.com

Thanks for the laugh

Prin said...

lol @ #2-4. My favorite by far. :D

and lol at the grandma. Don't they usually follow it up with a "Hey, I'm old. I've earned my right to say what I want"?

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