Hard as Iron | Mental Poo

Monday, May 26, 2008

Hard as Iron

It’s time once again for Moog’s Movie Reviews!!

Where I go see a movie...

...then wait three f*cking weeks to tell you what I thought of it.

Just in time for the DVD Release.



...if you're looking for Ebert & Roper...you're in the wrong place.

The gay bar is down the street on the right.


Let's get started.

Today..I'm reviewing:


Hold on...just got a boner.

(...3 seconds later...)

OK...all set.


I took my four year old son to see Iron Man.

I hadn't been this excited to see a movie since "Where the Boys Aren't, Part 2" came out.

Ironically...that movie ALSO had a lot of mechanical parts in it.

I actually liked Iron Man so much that I went to see it TWICE.


The last time I went to see a movie twice at the theater was "Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back."

It was 1980.

I was 11.

My friend and I left the theater, then turned around...

...and WENT RIGHT BACK IN to see it again.

Did I say I was 11?

Couple the fact that my mother had no idea where I was for two hours when I was supposed to be home...

...along with the oh-so-safe city I lived in (Lawrence, Massachusetts)...

...and you end up with a boy who was subjected to a fairly severe beating when he got home.

Thanks, dad.


As such - you can see my trepidation in seeing a movie at the theater TWICE.

Regardless...comfortable in the feeling that neither my son (viewing #1) nor my brother-in-law (viewing #2) would kick my ass...I went.

I would have to say that the second viewing was even better than the first.

Robert Downey Jr.:

The only problem I had were the scenes where he was either beat up or near dying...

...and all I could think of was that this was how he looks when he's squatting in crack houses shooting up with transvestites.

(a quick "shout out" here to my mom)

Gwyneth Paltrow:
For the first time EVER I thought: "Man...I'd hit that."

Although not has hot as the chicks in "Where the Boys Aren't, Part 2," she still looked totally do-able.

Special Effects:
Did I already say that I had a boner?

(by the way...awkward walking out of the theater with wood when accompanied by either your son or brother-in-law...just sayin')

If you haven't seen it, go see it.

Ladies, if you have no desire to see it, let your husband/boyfriend/butch-dyke lover use your admission money and go TWICE.

Just don't kick their ass when they get home.

Moog's Movie Score:

Four Mooge Splats
(out of a possible four splats)

Next up: Indiana Jo..Jo.oh...Joohh..oohhh...


There I go with the boner again.

Be right back.

To see my other movie reviews, you can click here.



AngryMan said...

I'm thinking I should have gone to see Iron Man instead of Indiana Jones.

Unknown said...

I took my husband to see Iron Man the day it opened. Pretty sure he had wood too.

I enjoyed it.

The movie I mean...well and the wood.

Malach the Merciless said...

Best Comic Book Movie eva!

RDJ was born to play Tony Stark

Could of been worse, could of grown up in New Bedford, Brockton, Roxbury, or certain parts of Dorchester . . . OK maybe about the same.

FreeOscar said...

I should have seen Iron Man instead of Indiana Jones & the Crystal Skull Fucking.

The Absent Minded Housewife said...

You went and saw TRON 2?

Iron Man is TRON 2!!!!

I thought it was OK. Liked the suit. I didn't get a boner. I didn't even ruin any underwear.

Now, I went to see Chris Isaak in concert recently and my nipples are still tingling. He had a neato suit too, and light effects. I guess you could call the Chris Isaak concert Tron 2 the musical.

Buzzardbilly said...

I adore Robert Downey, Jr. (no stache/with stash or stache/without stash versions). If I had a dick, I'd have a boner.

prin said...

When you said:
Did I already say that I had a boner?
Ladies, if you have no desire to see it,

I was totally expecting a different ending to that sentence.

Mike said...

I only watch movies on DVD now. No more theaters for me. That way if I get one of those embarrassing boners you spoke up, I can deal with it right then and there without having people accuse me of being Pee Wee Herman.

Well, actually they do confuse me with Pee Wee Herman anyway. I like to think it is because I have a similar bicycle. My wife says it has nothing to do with my bicycle.

Shover Robot said...

Cool! I need to go see Iron Man even more now!

AngelConradie said...

fargin awesome review dude- i wanted to see it as i love the comic-book-movie genre, and now i want to see it even more!

GeologyJoe said...

I was hard from the moment 'back in black' opened the movie right through to Samuel Jackson showing us a little Nick Fury at the end.

Anonymous said...

Been there. Saw it. If I had a wiggly, it would have been standing at attention.

Anonymous said...

I could not agree with you MORE. This movie was AWESOME and Robert Downey Jr was fucking fabulous.

Hell, I'd 'hit' Gweneth Paltro after seeing her in this movie.

Anonymous said...

I love RDJ even when he was such a bad boy I loved his acting..I'm so late seeing movies though...I just saw "Gone Baby Gone"...that wa
awesome!!! Living near Boston it was amazing everything looked so dirty..how come everywhere they went it was worse then the place before...hummm...if I knew where to get some cheap viagra I'd buy it for hubby....just sayen

Moooooog35 said...

Hi all - sorry I'm late on the responses (long holiday weekend and all).

Glad to see that so far people are agreeing with me on this movie.

Next up: Indiana Jones...

...should be up Monday...

...stay tuned.

tonka_boy said...

By the way, how is your mom?

HeyJoe said...

Just saw this yesterday. It was AWESOME.
And you can have Gweneth Paltry. I’ll take the “reporter” from Vanity Fair.

Unknown said...

I have a boner just from reading the review. Off to see the movie!

Renée said...


Holy sh&%. Who knew a 42-year-old recovering drug addict in a metal (excuse me, gold-and-titanium-alloy) suit would be SO DAMN SEXY?

I was so jealous of Pepper Potts at the end of that movie I wanted to scream. The shoes! The wardrobe! AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

p.s. Here's why it's the best superhero movie ever: it's the first time the Alter Ego (Tony Stark) has been way more interesting, cooler, and sexier than the superhero (Iron Man).

(I wish)

Karen ^..^ said...

Oh, my god... LOL, NO!!! LMFAO!!! You are so FUNNY!!! I love all your illustrations, too cool!!

Your blog rocks my socks. I'm putting you on my blog roll. Holy shit, you are funny.

Anonymous said...

Geez, karen^..^

Calm down juuuuuuuust a bit - did you pee all over yourself as well as the neighbors??...!! Yeah, he's funny, but I think you might need to hit the XANAX before reading moooooog again. :)

Signed: Dr. K. Kildaire, doctor extraordinaire...

... And first-time-reader of moooooog. For the time being, I'm happy to report that I have remained continent. All systems go (or not, as the case may be!).

moooooog, thanks for the funnies & I'm sure your son will never ask for a brown khaki-like shirt for his birthday! A whip, yes... Small little mustache and shirt, no. That's a good thing.

ps What do you use to add captions to your pics?... They're great.

Moooooog35 said...

Norm: Haven't talked to my mom in a while. The squat-house has no phone.

HeyJoe: I'm with ya...but she has limited screen time...plus Paltrow looked good (needs boobies)

Meghan: Um...ew?

Renee: I consider this one a toss up with "Batman Begins" - although Stark is funnier than Wayne...unless you watch the Batman TV show.

Karen: THANKS!! Glad you enjoyed it. Your check is in the mail. Tip: don't cash it.

Southern: Hey, hey..give the girl a break. I can use all the groupies I can get. As far as the pictures, I use a highly intricate art program known as "Microsoft Paint." You may need training on it. I did.

Anonymous said...

Thanks, Moooooog! You're doing well w/ the program...

... You're doing well w/ the Microsoft Paint, also. Wink.

Related Posts with Thumbnails