I'm starting to hate pooping.
...which is sad...
Because a man who hates pooping isn't really a man at all.
(I REALLY need to start a t-shirt company)
I'm now in week 3 of explosive diarrhea Hell (no, no...I don't have a guest spot on "30-Minute Meals with Rachael Ray)...with no signs of stopping.
So...yesterday...I bit the bullet.
I went to get my "stool sample kit."
When my doctor told me that I'd need to pick one up, I was, like:
"A kit? Who the Hell wants to build a stool sample? I'm hoping at least it's one of those "snap-together" kits...because I'm really not good with glue."
Once the people at Home Depot told me that I was in the wrong place, I decided to head over to the lab near my doctor's office to pick one up.
Of course...the room is full of people waiting.
Lab lady: "Hi, can I help you?"
Me: "I need to pick up an..ahem...kit."
Lab Lady: "WHAT?!? I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!"
Me: "Ugh. I need to pick up a kit."
Lab Lady: "Oh. Easy enough."
And f*ck these people behind me WHO I CAN HEAR SNICKERING!! I HEAR YOU!! I CAN HEAR YOU!!
She comes out with TWO BAGS.
One big cup.
Three little cups.
Then...to my horror...
...in front of a room full of people...
...she begins describing to me HOW TO PROPERLY COLLECT MY POO.
At this point, I'm contemplating trying to slice my wrists open using my health insurance card.
Lab Lady: "Well...what we recommend is to put plastic wrap over the toilet and then scoop it into these cups using these little wooden sticks..."
Me: "OH. MY. GOD."
I have to scoop up my own sh*t?!?
I thought all I'd have to do was put this cup under my a-hole...
...hope my aim was good...
...and try to poop in it.
No, I have to crap on a PIECE OF F*CKING PLASTIC WRAP and then SCOOP IT INTO LITTLE CUPS using the supplied f*cking toothpicks that come with the kit.
Seriously. Someone kill me.
Me (turning to room): "You...old lady with the colostomy bag...can you just smother me with that f*cking thing?"
"Great...now I can play "CSI: Poo Patrol" in the bathroom."
"But then what do I do with the plastic wrap with poo on it?!?"
I mean, it's not like I can flush it. I've had experiences flushing things that aren't supposed to be flushed...and I AIN'T DOING THAT AGAIN.
To add insult to f*cking injury, after I deftly pick my sh*t up with half-sized popsicle sticks...
...I now have to somehow roll my remaining crap up into a nice little ball inside the plastic wrap...
...and put it...oh...I don't know...SOMEWHERE?!?
Where do I put my Ball-O-Poo? (patent pending)
Under the bed?
The neighbors house?
I'm thinking the river.
F*cking geese have been sh*tting in my yard anyway...might as well try to kill some of them.
I just really hoping that the plastic wrap holds up for wherever I decide to travel with this thing.
Plastic wrap breakage while I'm running through the house holding a happy hot brown package WOULD NOT BE GOOD.
Lady #1: "Hey Marge, check out how well Saran Wrap keeps in the freshness of this salad!"
(Lady #1 flips over salad bowl...salad DOES NOT FALL OUT!)
Lady #2: "And just look how well it seals in my stool!"
(Lady #2 throws a rolled up ball of sh*t wrapped in plastic at lady one...and IT DOESN'T BREAK!)
If it does hold up, Saran Wrap is getting one Hell of a "thank you" letter.
However, if the plastic wrap doesn't hold up, I'm mailing it to them.
Maybe I'll throw in one of those t-shirts.
Wednesday, May 07, 2008