The Plastic Wrap Commercial You'll Never See | Mental Poo

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

The Plastic Wrap Commercial You'll Never See

I'm starting to hate pooping.

...which is sad...

Because a man who hates pooping isn't really a man at all.

(I REALLY need to start a t-shirt company)

I'm now in week 3 of explosive diarrhea Hell (no, no...I don't have a guest spot on "30-Minute Meals with Rachael Ray)...with no signs of stopping.

So...yesterday...I bit the bullet.

I went to get my "stool sample kit."

When my doctor told me that I'd need to pick one up, I was, like:

"A kit? Who the Hell wants to build a stool sample? I'm hoping at least it's one of those "snap-together" kits...because I'm really not good with glue."


Once the people at Home Depot told me that I was in the wrong place, I decided to head over to the lab near my doctor's office to pick one up.

Of course...the room is full of people waiting.

Lab lady: "Hi, can I help you?"

Me: "I need to pick up an..ahem...kit."

Lab Lady: "WHAT?!? I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!"

You. Douche.

Me: "Ugh. I need to pick up a kit."

Lab Lady: "Oh. Easy enough."

Yeah. Easy.

F*ck you.

And f*ck these people behind me WHO I CAN HEAR SNICKERING!! I HEAR YOU!! I CAN HEAR YOU!!



She comes out with TWO BAGS.


One big cup.

Three little cups.

WTF?!? my horror... front of a room full of people...

...she begins describing to me HOW TO PROPERLY COLLECT MY POO.


At this point, I'm contemplating trying to slice my wrists open using my health insurance card.

Lab Lady: "Well...what we recommend is to put plastic wrap over the toilet and then scoop it into these cups using these little wooden sticks..."

Me: "OH. MY. GOD."


I have to scoop up my own sh*t?!?

I thought all I'd have to do was put this cup under my a-hole...

...hope my aim was good...

...and try to poop in it.


No, I have to crap on a PIECE OF F*CKING PLASTIC WRAP and then SCOOP IT INTO LITTLE CUPS using the supplied f*cking toothpicks that come with the kit.

Kill me.

Seriously. Someone kill me.

Me (turning to room): "You...old lady with the colostomy bag...can you just smother me with that f*cking thing?"

I'm thinking:

" I can play "CSI: Poo Patrol" in the bathroom."

Then...I thought:

"But then what do I do with the plastic wrap with poo on it?!?"

I mean, it's not like I can flush it. I've had experiences flushing things that aren't supposed to be flushed...and I AIN'T DOING THAT AGAIN.

To add insult to f*cking injury, after I deftly pick my sh*t up with half-sized popsicle sticks...

...I now have to somehow roll my remaining crap up into a nice little ball inside the plastic wrap...

...and put it...oh...I don't know...SOMEWHERE?!?


Where do I put my Ball-O-Poo? (patent pending)

Under the bed?

The neighbors house?

The river?

The freezer?

I'm thinking the river.

F*cking geese have been sh*tting in my yard anyway...might as well try to kill some of them.


I just really hoping that the plastic wrap holds up for wherever I decide to travel with this thing.

Plastic wrap breakage while I'm running through the house holding a happy hot brown package WOULD NOT BE GOOD.

The commercial:

Lady #1: "Hey Marge, check out how well Saran Wrap keeps in the freshness of this salad!"

(Lady #1 flips over salad bowl...salad DOES NOT FALL OUT!)

Lady #2: "And just look how well it seals in my stool!"

(Lady #2 throws a rolled up ball of sh*t wrapped in plastic at lady one...and IT DOESN'T BREAK!)

If it does hold up, Saran Wrap is getting one Hell of a "thank you" letter.

However, if the plastic wrap doesn't hold up, I'm mailing it to them.

Maybe I'll throw in one of those t-shirts.


FreeOscar said...

Hey my Dad is a poo kit maker!
He's very good at his job.

Unknown said...

Yeah, well my dad makes Saran Wrap...he said poo is not covered by the guarantee.

Anonymous said...

I once was given a poo-collection kit by my doctor as well. Same reason as you. The kit sat next to the toilet, waiting for me to get up the courage/intestinal fortitude to use it.

After three weeks, I just threw it away.

Warped Mind of Ron said...

I say you take the cup and head out to the backyard behind a bush and give it your best show without all the saran wrap bull$hit, LOL.

Anonymous said...

Oh man, you should just jump from the nearest bridge.

Rahul said...

You should have thrown your feces at her. Monkeys do it.

Anonymous said...

@rs27... I think it's not a good thing to do.. but how I wish I could ;0

The Absent Minded Housewife said...

I would think that saran wrap would work magnificently if your poo was solid. You can still flush the remaining evidence and easily toss the wrap.

However, diarrhea on saran, over a toilet? That's a guarantee you are going to have splatters of poo all over your bathroom. Saran wrap is springy dammit.

Therefore, you must poop in a bucket. Preferably one with a lid. Then you take your poop bucket and leave it on a freeway off ramp next to the milk jugs full of trucker "emergency coolant".

Moooooog35 said...

C.Rag: Really? You mean I could have had you just send me one in the mail?! Maybe next time. Thanks for the heads-up.

Doggy: Your dad makes Saran Wrap? Shot for the stars, did he?

Wolf: I'm right with ya. Mine's still sitting on my counter. If I DO end up using it, my guess is that it will also end up containing vomit.

Warped: I do that anyway. No biggie. Neighbors hate me.

Mimzie: Fine. But I'm not clear on how jumping off a bridge will get the poo in the cup. Worth a shot, I guess.

rs27: Duly noted. Next time, I'll be prepared.

Becky: I thought the same thing. This is why I've spent the last four days lining my bathroom walls with sticky notes. Just peel and toss! Easy squeezy! Um..bad term.

Mike said...

Wouldn't it just be easier to crap on the floor and then use one of those doggie pooper scoopers to pick it up?

Christine said...

Roses are red, and have thorns that can cut,
So don't ever use them, to wipe your bare butt.

The Absent Minded Housewife said...

Mooog does TubGirl?

cathy said...

I bet you wish you'd kept the kids potties now.

I read about the ex lax and bike too, Can't remember when I last laughed that much.

Buzzardbilly said...

How the hell are you supposed to use popsicle sticks to wrangle liquipoo?

Sometimes I'm amazed at how hilarious you can make being sick sound.

Anonymous said...

I think you mean poopsicle sticks. That is all.

mauniejames3 said...


Moooooog35 said...

Mike: Good point. On a related note, I need to buy more Swiffer Wet refills.

Christine: Thanks for the tip. Unfortunately, you're too late.


Cathy: Believe it or not, I actually fit quite nicely on the kids' potties. I'm little.

Buzzard: Yep..your guess is as good as mine. I may have to use a straw.

Anon: Nice!

Maunie: Apparently, your month-plus long bout of the sh*ts has left you with the inability to type in small letters. I hopE THIS DOESN'T HAPPEN TO..OOH NO!!!

Malicious Intent said...

I am leaving here feeling very disturbed and I am doubtful I will get any sleep tonight. My brain hurts too. Damn you poo!

Josh said...

I think those chicks at the lab do that shit on purpose. I had to drop off a sample once (sperm sample: the fun one to give) I had it all disguised in a brown paper bag. The bitch kept yelling to the other bitch in the back, "Is this the right form for a sperm sample? Is this the right form for a sperm sample? MING LING, IS THIS THE RIGHT FORM FOR A SPERM SAMPLE?" Even the guy in the wheelchair behind me was laughing. Bastards.

Malach the Merciless said...

Thank you

Unknown said...

All I can say is...................... Nothing, You have now said it all . I read these things and just shake my head. Now I know what goes on in a vacuum. I love you man.

Blonde Goddess said...

Eat more cheese?
I don't know what to tell you Man. Cheese bungs up the hubby. Perhaps it would work for you too?
If not then at least you will have stronger, healthier bones and teeth.

HeyJoe said...

This had me rolling. Great pics, BTW.

Anonymous said...

Wouldn't it be much easier to put on a diaper and then get your shit sample that way?

Hell I'll even offer you a few baby wipes to use afterwards.That's how nice I am.

Thank me later!

Anonymous said...

Oh my goodness. You always make me feel so sorry for you when you have these dilemmas.

Evil Twin's Wife said...

Don't feel too bad. I have a friend with Crohn's disease. Before he was diagnosed, he had to shit in a paint can and keep it in his fridge. Then, the doctors office LOST the paint can and asked him to do it again. He declined. LOL.

Tawnya Shields said...

Holy shit Batman, I hope they figure out what in the hell is wrong before you have to endure any more humiliation.

Wait a minute.... if you poo is the consistency of Hershey's Syrup... how in the hell can you use a freakin pop sickle stick?

Me said...

I'm just catching up on your blog! So sorry to hear you're exploding but all I can say is, welcome to my world!! Just curious, do you get "pulsating sphincter" before an explosion hits? When that happens get me to a bathroom STAT otherwise we've got serious problems. I'm going to read your previous poo posts on this now. Hope you'll be ok.

Moooooog35 said...

MI: Sorry. Just think how I feel when I wake up with "pulsating sphincter."

Hick: Been there. Done that. The only difference is I brought my sperm sample in a Barney cup with a Silly Straw.

Blonde: Good point. Because we all now how attractive men are with an irritable bowel, but nice white teeth.

PrePo: I appreciate the offer. Does that come with free wiping service?

Titania: Now you see my conundrum.

Smiley: See my response to MI above. Also, I'm now no longer attracted to you.

linda said...

I say flush it. I would, then again I have a husband who could fix the plumbing if it blocked so I don't care. So much handling of your "waste" you are going to have to do. Too awful. So, so sorry for you. Even though I am actually laughing I still feel some pity.

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