Jonathan Jonathan Jonathan | Mental Poo

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Jonathan Jonathan Jonathan

Before I start...a new review of "The Happening" over at "Moog's Movie Reviews!"

Okay...

...onward and spiraling downward...

************************************

The following is an open letter to Jonathan's Parents...

...whom I hate.

************************************

Dear Jonathan’s parents,

You know me simply as “Cameron’s dad” – you know, Cameron, from the “Lil Dragons” karate class?

Your spastic, ADHD, Ritalin-required son Jonathan is in the same class as Cam.

Got who I am now?

Good.


First off, I’d like to thank you for putting down your chewing tobacco and Red Bull and taking the time to read this letter.

It actually just occurred to me that you probably can’t read…so I may be typing this for nothing.

Maybe I’ll throw in some pictures with monosyllable words to help you out.

(the thought of you sitting there in your moo-moo and overalls trying to pronounce the word “monosyllable” is cracking me up)



I have one, simple question for you:

ARE YOU SERIOUSLY THAT F*CKING STUPID?


Really.

I enrolled my son in karate so he could learn discipline and concentration.

I also enrolled him to learn how to break cement blocks and shit using his head, too.

But, you know...mostly for the discipline.


Apparently, you enrolled Jonathan as a means of pissing off all the other students and parents.

To this, I say:

“You’ve succeeded!! Huzzah!! Free Slim Jims for everyone!!”

You f*cking white trash pieces of dogshit.


Seriously…

How can you not hear this:

Sensei (that’s some Asian language for “guy we pay at Karate school”):

“Ok, class…now were’ going to line up and…Jonathan…Jonathan over here. Jonathan come line up. Jonathan I mean it…”

Is Jonathan lined up with the rest of the class?

F*ck no.


No, Jonathan is running around the room kicking shit over and saying stuff like:

“When are we gonna pwactice fighting?”

Ha! He said “pwactice” instead of “practice!”

If your kid wasn’t the spawn of Satan, this would probably be cute.

Instead, I want to kick him in the f*cking teeth.

Sensei:
“Okay. Now we’re going to do three roundho…Jonathan. Jonathan, stop. Jonathan don’t touch my mirrors. Jonathan…Jonathan, you won’t be able to play dodgeball today if you keep this up. Jonathan come back here…Jonathan…”

Jonathan.

Jonathan Jonathan Jonathan.


If I ever meet an adult named Jonathan, I will have no other response than to haul off and break his f*cking nose.

Me: “Hi. I’m Rodney. It's very nice to meet you.”

Guy: “Likewise. I’m Jonathan and I…”

*BANG*

Out f*cking cold.

This is your fault.


And what are you and your husband doing during all of this “Jonathan Jonathan Jonathan” bullshit?

You’re standing there with your Red Bulls (seriously…it’s nine in the f*cking morning) LAUGHING and giggling at it.

Laughing like:

“Oh…that Jonathan. He DOES like to have his fun, you know. Ha ha! That’s my crazy Jonathan!”


I hate you SO much.

Now..let me ask you…are you still breastfeeding this kid?

Because injecting Red Bull into this four-year old is the only way I can explain the fact that he WON’T STOP MOVING for FIVE F*CKING SECONDS.


How do you NOT realize that your kid is ruining this class?!

Personally, I would yank my kid out of that class so fast that he’d stop aging.

That’s a reference to Einstein’s Theory of Relativity and how light speed travel stops the aging process….you have to have a high school education to understand it.

Some of the above may be wrong.


That's right, folks.

Sometimes, me can smart be!


Listen you stupid pricks…the class is 60 minutes long.

Sensei spends 20 of these minutes yelling the words, “Jonathan” and “NO Jonathan!”

*eye twitches*


As such, I believe you own me 1/3 the cost of my enrollment fee…

…you can send the payment to the address below.

And, no, I don’t accept Slim Jims or Red Bull as payment...sorry.

Thanks in advance.

Cam’s Dad.

30 comments:

Midleah said...

Weird. We're in the same situation, except his name is 'Jake'.

Jake hates everything, and never stops saying so. He also fidgets uncontrollably (usually picking his ghi out of his ass). Needless to say, Jake is spending most of his time doing push-ups as punishment. Maybe you can suggest this to your sensei.

Hey, what's a girl have to do to get a spot on your blog roll?

Wait, don't answer that.

Mike said...

Maybe the Nazi's weren't far off with the concept of eugenics?

We can adapt that to the "free" world, right?

Warped Mind of Ron said...

If I was the sensei I would like tap one of those pressure points and he would be like paralyzed for the entire class. I guess that's why I'm not a sensei.

Blonde Goddess said...

I'm laughing so hard at the picture of the guy with his face bashed in...HAHAHA!

Moog...you're truly a sick individual and my hero...

And where the hell is my money??? Smelly fingers don't come cheap.

No personal checks please.

The Doggy Did It said...

I know so many kids like this.

Makes a good case for forced sterilization!

I am totally the type of person that would either start yelling at the kid, or the parents. Just say something like "get that little fucker under control, or I will". I find that always the way to get a reaction out of stupid parents.

Don't get me wrong, my kid is no angel, and can get pretty hyper. But I am the parent dragging my kid into the bathroom by his ear when he gets out of control.

moooooog35 said...

Midleah: Begging helps. I'll rectify that shortly. Jeez...pushy.

Mike: Eugenics. That's Scientology, right?

Ron: I can't wait til he learns the Vulcan Death Grip. Oh..wait...different class.

BG: No money for you. Tapped out. Spent on karate classes.

Doggy: I agree with you. But never, EVER, mess with a mom hopped up on Red Bull at 9 in the morning. You just never know what you're gonna get.

Indrani Bhattacharya said...

This is one of your best posts ever. And I don't mean to flatter you Rod, my compliment is genuine.

Douchegirl said...

Oh the joys of living with an ADHD kid. My brother used to be like Jonathan, only worse. It's gotten a whole lot better with time. Suggest to the sensei that he send Jonathan off to do random errands so he'll tire out.

catscratch diva said...

Tell Cam to kid Jonathan's ass in the parking lot.

Billy Ray & Dannielynn... Jonathan 's Parents said...

Dear Midget,

Chewing tobacco spit is a legal form of tender. So you will be getting an empty bottle of Red Bull with our chewing tobacco spit.

Yours Truly,
Billy Ray & Dannielynn

C.Rag said...

That's why I plan on drinking heavily whenever I have to deal with my kids' functions or other parents.

Becky..AMHW said...

I went to read this post and then I had to make some coffee and then I had to wipe off the sink and oh the kitchen floor is dirty hey are those ants better get the spray hope the cat doesn't get in the ant spray woops gotta feed the cat too and give him some water but can't put down the bowls yet cuz the floor is dirty and what did my kid put under the fridge here oh letter magnets gotta write an email and wait why was I looking at moog's site oh yeah gotta make a comment about slim jims.



Slim Jims are greasy. 'Nuff said.

moooooog35 said...

Indrani: Flattery is perfectly fine. I also accept Visa and Mastercard.

Douche (still weird): Nothing helps. Nothing. Except maybe duct tape.

Catscratch: My kid would have to catch him first...and that little shit is FAST.

Jonathan's Parents: Please die. Thanks in advance.

C.Rag: Drinking doesn't numb the pain. It only makes the kids seem angrier.

Becky: I didn't want a Slim Jim until now. Mmmmm....greasy.

DVeau said...

We had a little bastid like that in my son's soccer. While the rest of the team was attempting to play, Lucas, this little spastic demon thinly disguised as a little boy,would sit in the middle of the field (this is during game time!) picking clumps of grass so he could tackle his own teammates and shove grass down their shirts.
Meanwhile, his loser dad would sit in his lawn chair, practice after practice, game after game, and do NOTHING.
But, God/Allah/Leroy/Whatever is good...one day, they were leaving the parking lot, and the angelic little Lucas picked up a rock the size of a football, tossed it up in the air, and watched it come down on the hood of a BMW....with the occupants sitting inside it!
-I still chuckle when I think of that one!

PracticallyJoe said...

I also enrolled him to learn how to break cement blocks and shit using his head, too.

How's that working out?

Gladyslexic said...

I cannot stand unruly kids especially if their parents are around them and they don't do anything. My mom would just give me one stealthy glare (so other people can't see she's going to potentially behead me) when I was being crazy in public and I know I'm dead when we get home.

Maybe they do give Jonathan Red Bull.

Maybe he shouldn't be learning karate because he's a potential bully and Cameron would have to rise to the occasion and have to defend the planet from Jonathan by being able to catch flies with chopsticks.

rs27 said...

If you don't like Slim Jims you can just get out.

Meghan said...

Feed Cam a few redbulls and send him after Jonathon after class like an angry chihuahua on speed. It's not bad parenting either to stand on the sidelines chanting , "You take that little fucker out. You Take Him Out or no icecream for you!" It'll be character building.

Preposterous Ponderings said...

Hmmmm sounds like a certain little boy who grew up to have a blog called Mental Poo.

HeyJoe said...

F*ckers.

I'm flying back there today and we're gonna kick some ass-AMERICAN style.

Anonymous said...

I know a kid just like this. But what really sucks is that he is my nephew. I am pretty sure he will grow up to be a serial killer. And his parents? Although they don't drink red bulls and eat slim jims, they are still oblivious delusional assholes. But at least you don't have to spend every major holiday resisting the urge to beat the ever loving shit out of him. And I have to sign this anonymous because I am a pansy and am terrified he will somehow find it and kill me in my sleep.

wolf said...

This is why I am a proponent of late-term abortion up until the age of 30.

angel said...

ooh thats so not cool!!!

mauniejames3 said...

my son was like Jonathan but he was such a super player in all sports the other parents encouraged his nutty ways..he grew up to be a spoiled brat who still expects everyone to bow down to him whenever he does anything normal which doesn't seem to be the way he wants to be...you'll get your revenge later...his parents don't have a clue yet...let em laugh

Knight said...

I have a sure fire way to get rid of the whole family. Just throw a couple slim jims into oncoming traffic before class and bam! No more.

billymac said...

yeah... that kid needs to have a sparring "accident"...

Malicious Intent said...

Had a friend who had a kid like that who would spend the night here and it was 'No Jason, Stop Jason, Stop pissing in the kitchen trash can Jason, Die Jason."

So we duct taped him to a tree, poured honey over him and left him out there over night. (Nice summer night too.)

They aren't our friends anymore. They don't approve of our parenting style. Huh. No clue why. Try to help folks out and that's the thanks you get.

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