Screw the Couch | Mental Poo

Monday, September 08, 2008

Screw the Couch

My couch has more banged-up holes in it than a lesbian orgy.

This fact (as well as the numerous stains made on the undersides of the cushions when I take this analogy to heart late at night), required us to bite the bullet...

...and get a new one.


I hate furniture shopping.

I hate furniture shopping because it’s like going car shopping except you can’t play with the f*cking cup holders.

(unless you buy the "trailer trash" couch...which has integrated cup holders AND a stick to beat your dog with in a hidden compartment)

But I digress..

The wife and I packed the munchkins up…

…for what turned out to be a five-hour long ordeal.

That’s right…


…and all I got was a f*cking microwaved cookie served to me by one of the "furniture store hostesses."

I'm assuming that you're relegated to "furniture store hostess" duty when you just don't have the stuff to make it to the "Big Show"...

...where you can sell an ottoman to a plumber.

Reach for the stars, ladies!

Here’s how it went:

We decided to forego our local “Bob’s Discount Furniture” store (Bob’s Motto: “I F*ck Goats! You have purdy lips! Buy a recliner!”) in favor of “Jordan’s.”

Jordan’s Furniture
was made famous last year for their “Red Sox World Series” promotion – where if the Red Sox won the series, you’d get your purchase FOR FREE.

Really. No kidding.

Did the Sox win the World Series?

You bet your ass they did.

Did lots of people who decided to buy their furniture last year get it all for free?


Did WE decide LAST YEAR to buy our furniture?

Of course the f*ck not.


If you’ve ever gone into a furniture store with young children, you know of what I speak next:

There have to be ground rules.

Me: “OK, kids. I want no running around and jumping on the furniture. This is NOT a playground. Got it?”

Kids: “Got it!”

Five full minutes into the store, we sounded like this:

Me: “GET OFF THE BUNKBEDS!! You can’t eat that, it’s fake!”




Wife: “No!! No!! There’s wires back there!!”

(kids cackle crazily…eyes glowing red)

Me: “CAM! I told you not to spit on the pillows!”

Wife: “Howthe f*ck did Payton get on the chandelier?!”

Me: “Where the Hell did they find a pony?”

Trying to keep your kids calm in a furniture store is like trying to swat flies with a f*cking toothpick.

Complete and utter chaos.

With my patience long gone at the three-hour mark, we FINALLY settle on couch and chair.

I add up the cost of it.

Three Thousand Dollars.

Yep...three grand.


Let me tell you, for three grand I’m f*cking the cushions on this thing even WITHOUT holes in it.

(Now that I’m thinking about it, I should have probably opted for the fabric protection)

Saleswoman: “Great…let’s pick out the fabric color.”


What’s so f*cking great about this?

My kids are running around like they’ve had alcohol for the first time at college…

...I’m about to drop three large on what technically amounts to wood and foam.

Lady. Trust me.

This is FAR from great.

My wife then begins going through no less than five thousand swatches of fabric….

I'm considering taking the kids down to see the cookie bitches on the first floor for another go 'round...

...and also to call them "peasants."

My wife finally picks a color.



“Now…let’s pick out the fabric for the pillows.”

Me: "Pillows? What pillows?"

Well, it just so happens that we are also the proud owners of the FIFTEEN F*CKING PILLOWS currently sitting on the couch.

Mother of God. You’ve GOT to be kidding me.

What am I going to do with all these f*cking pillows?!?

Do I get a free harem with each purchase?

Seriously, the last time I saw this many pillows was in the orgy scene from Caligula.


After deciding on "NO F*CKING PILLOW FRINGES" (which would have required us to pick out even MORE sh*t)...

...the saleswoman comes over and shows us the final bill:

Four thousand two hundred dollars.

At this point, I believe I poo’d a little.


Me: “Um…what happened to three thousand bucks?”

Saleswoman: “Well…the choice of fabric made it go up.”


Me: “The fabric made the price go up twelve-hundred dollars?”

Saleswoman: “Yes.”


Me: “Jesus H. Christ. What’s it made out of, King Tut’s ass hair?”



It turns out that King Tut had nothing to do with the fabric.

Me: "Which fabric won't cause me to have a coronary?"

The now pissed-off saleslady gives shows us the fabric choice, "plastic," and we're happy.


The tally:

Almost five hours.

Three grand.

My sanity.

And one SEXY couch…

…with the fabric protection option, of course.


AngryMan said...

Make the couch call out my name when you frack it.

GeologyJoe said...

3G's? ouch!

Christina_the_wench said...

Did they supply lube with that furniture? I mean, for that amount I expect lube and a kiss.


Potsie said...

All I could think about during your article is that the chick in the furniture store cafe has a huge rack. I have to read it again while holding my hand in front of the picture so I don't lose my train of thought.

Arielle Fragassi said...

That's pretty underhanded of them for not telling you the fabric would cost $1,000 more when you guys chose it. They just waited until after you asked about the ridiculous total before they came clean. Stupid furniture stores. Guess they're still trying to get out of the red since they gave a crapload of furniture away last year!

Mike said...

3 grand for a freaking couch?

I wouldn't pay that much for a hooker.

I only said that because I know my wife reads this blog and I don't want her to think that I might have ever paid money for a hooker. Especially an expensive one. I get the cheap ones at the truck stops.

Wow. 3 grand for a couch. Does Wal*Mart sell couches?

Mike said...

My dad once took me to Beaver Lumber when I was the age of your kids.

That's what our hardware store is called up here, Beaver Lumber.

Anyways, I used a display toilet for #2.

Beaver Lumber told my old man that our family wasn't welcome back until I was 15.

So when I was 15, my poo came in the form of a flaming paper bag at the front door.

Beaver lumber is no longer in business.

LBluca77 said...

For 3 grand you better enforce a naked Tuesday on the couch rule with the wife.

Anonymous said...

The furniture store kid pic may very well be your best PhotoShop work ever...

Oh, and LMAO @ Mike...

kathcom said...

I went furniture shopping at IKEA Labor day weekend--2 days worth--the first to pick it out, the second to make sure, measure, etc.

On the third day, we woke up and said, "Holy shit, we can't afford this!"

Our old furniture will still prop our asses up off the floor. But I'll never get those two days at IKEA back. Furniture shopping is EVIL.

Knight said...

You should have just made a bench. Save the 3k to bail the kids out of jail at a later date.

Moooooog35 said...

Angry: It does. It yells, "ASSHOLE!!" I'm assuming that's you.

Geo: Yeah. No shit, 'ouch.'

Christina: you want lube and then a...kiss? Sounds greasy.

Jocushmech: AND it's an unretouched photo!! I have no idea what that means.

Arielle: Yep..I know. Do they have this problem with furniture under the sea?

Mike: Nice save. Make sure next time you score me some meth.

Mike #2: "Beaver Lumber: We've got your wood!"

Lbluca: So far only the dog has given in on Naked Tuesday. I'm still hopeful for Friday nights, though.

Midleah: Thanks! And it's Microsoft Paint...I can't afford the high-falootin' stuff.

Kathcom: Your name sounds like a brand of phone.

"Did you call Batman?"

"I tried to reach him on the Kathcom, but there was no response!"

Knight: That's what their college fund is for.

Myndtrip said...

HA! That chick tried to scam you...nice!

Michael Knight Rambo said...

I love walking around Ikea. I find it very relaxing (no family) and since the place is so goddamn huge it's good exercise once you've done the whole circuit.
Plus it's relatively cheap. Not that I have any money to buy stuff anyways. But like I said- no family, so I don't need to buy furniture.

Arielle Fragassi said...

We don't need furniture under the sea. That's what all those holes in the coral are for! We don't even need any fabric protection.

Narm said...

Oh c'mon - your kids are going to drink way before college.

Malach the Merciless said...

Having kids the same age as yours . . . your going to regret buying new furniture . .

Colleen said...

Thats why I can't go furniture shopping I get annoyed after a half hour and just buy whatever and then regret it for years.

Anonymous said...

I just give my wife the keys to the car, the credit card and wish her well.

The kids and I eat ice cream and watch cartoons and we always end up with something nice.

I try not to look at the Amex bill, though...

Anonymous said...

you deserve a medal for bringing your kids furniture shopping!!

3 grand? Nightmare. But, better than the 4,200 with 15 billion pillows!

prin said...

3k?! I hope it's a sectional. With built in tv. And a slide.

Cookie Monster in Therapy said...

I bought a beautiful new leather lounge when our old furniture screamed and collapsed. You know, cos you can just wipe off the messes the kids make on it. We had it a week before my nephew drew all over it with permanent marker, and then my 3 year old stabbed the arm rest multiple times with a corn holder. Maybe the pillows will distract your kids. I hope so!!

Cookie Monster in Therapy said...

Hahahahahaha, new to your blog and didn't realise I was commenting on a 2 year old post! In that case, how's the lounge holding up?

Related Posts with Thumbnails