The Jimmy Dean Birthday Masquerade

One of our friends had her 40th birthday recently.

Normally this would put her out of my list of 'people I want to bang' but she's pretty and has great big boobs and probably a vagina. In reality, all I'm interested in is the last thing.

I forgot where I was going with this.

OH.

She decided to have her birthday party as a "Gothic Masquerade" party in the middle of downtown Salem, Massachusetts in the middle of October. Here's a picture of me and my fiancee, Kerri, at the party:

ROWR!

I'm, like, either a sexy tiny Zorro or a Robin gone emo.

As you can imagine, the party was..um...interesting.

Here are a couple of things we saw:

1) A very tall quite-obviously-gay man, dressed as a Nazi/German soldier dancing by himself with his John Lennon glasses pulled down to the tip of his nose as he looked at everyone over them.

I'm not saying John Lennon was a gay Nazi. I'm just saying that they wear the same shades.

2) A small bald man with a mask only covering his mouth, doing Tai Chi in the middle of the dance floor.

3) Batman

I was sad about seeing Batman because that was my original costume idea. I figured I could just tell the birthday girl I thought she said "Gotham Masquerade" party.

Although, we all felt safer with him there.

4) The Jimmy Dean commercial sun guy. See?

He's standing right behind me in this picture:

Although you can't see the rest of his ensemble, I can tell you that it included sandals and socks, and a dress.

Not a kilt. A dress.

As we were leaving I made it a point to tell him how much I enjoy his breakfast sandwiches, but did so well outside of earshot of Nazi erotic dancing guy with John Lennon sunglasses because you never know what will set those guys off.

I can only Imagine.

A Halloween Pictorial - Mental Poo style

First: Happy Halloween.

Second: Happy birthday to whoever this "Sam Hain" guy is.

17th: I can't count sequentially.

Today is Halloween and I didn't have a post scheduled but thought I'd share with you a couple of SCARY pictures that have posted up on my Facebook page.

Boo.

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This first one was taken at a Halloween store where my son and I decided to don these giant Romney/Obama masks and duke it out.

Looks like Obama isn't even paying attention.

Typical.

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This one was taken last week when, after a workout, I noticed that even my chest sweat was getting into the Halloween spirit:

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Then Hurricane Sandy hit and I lost power so the kids and I sat around in my living room by the fireplace with our flashlights and told spooky stories.

Even my dog, Jax, got in on it and really pulled off the 'flashlight under the chin' to ramp up the SPOOKY effect of his storytelling:

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Of course, my kids went back to my ex-wife's house during the power outage because SHE had power at my old house.

This left me alone in my bedroom with just me, my spooky dog, and a flashlight that I used as a source of..

..um..

..light.

WTF.

Right.

Like being alone in a house without power during a hurricane isn't scary enough. I have to have "Evil Flashlight Face" projected on my ceiling to keep me company.

Awesome.

Happy Halloween!!

Doing Halloween...Doggy Style

Shit.

I've become one of THOSE people.

I know you're thinking 'underwear model,' but that's not what I mean.

(Hanes...call me)

No..this Halloween I became one of those people...

...who DRESSES UP THEIR DOG.

* blink

You know, for Halloween.

The other times I dress her up are strictly for sexual purposes.

Perhaps I've said too much.

We planned on taking our new dog, Sophie, out with us for Halloween.

My daughter Payton BEGGED me incessantly to buy her an outfit.

Payton: "Hey Dad, can we buy her a Halloween costume?"

Me: "Okay."

Maybe 'begged' is too strong a term.

We tried a few things on her.

Count Soph-ula:


Sophie Montana:


Wonder Sophie:

My wife, upon seeing these photos looked at me and said:

Wife: "I guess I know what you do when I'm out of the house, now."

Honey, you have NO idea.

Regardless, we ended up settling on a little outfit with a tutu that said:

"So Cute, It's SCARY!"


On a related note:

I may be gay.

So, some random notes about Halloween this year:

The Kids

My kids went as a Vampiress and a Ninja.


My daughter, Payton, got tons of great comments about her Vampire costume.

My son, Cam, instead got shit like this:

"Oooh..a Jedi!"

"What are you...a sous chef?"

"Wow...Darth Vader!"

Really?

Darth Vader?

Idiots.

When someone looked at him and said, "Cool Ninja," my son yelled out:

"FINALLY! Someone gets me!"

And now I'm jealous.

No one ever gets me.

The Pencil Lady

Every year the kids stop at one house where the lady just apparently doesn't get it.

Last year, she handed out pencils.

Pencils.

Listen, lady, if I wanted to spend forty bucks on costumes so my kids could get office supplies, I'd take them to fucking Staples.

Bitch.


So this year, as the kids were heading up to the door we reminded them to say 'thank you' no matter what they got...

..even if it was a stupid fucking pencil.

Seriously, lady.

The fuck you thinking?

So, the kids go up, she pops out and drops something in their bag.

My son, still standing at the top step with the woman still in the door, turns around and yells to us in the street:

"HEY! WE DIDN'T GET A PENCIL THIS YEAR!"

Um.

Great.

Not too embarrassing, Cam.

No..no pencil this year.

They got a plastic centipede instead.

Lady, you suck at this shit.

Just do us all a favor and shut your lights off next year.



The Chinese Kid

My wife and I, and a couple of our friends are standing on the street as the kids go up to another house.

An Asian family comes up, and their son runs to the door as they stand right next to us.

My son recognizes the boy and says 'hi' to him as they pass each other.

As Cam is walking towards us, he yells:

"Hey mom! You know that Chinese kid I told you about..?!"

* cricket

Our friends look up, stifling a laugh, and immediately flee the area.

Awesome.



Another Halloween done...

...and all we got was plastic bugs, beastiality references and embarrassing racism.

Can't wait til next year.

Trippin' Through Halloween with a F*cking Pencil

Before I start today, a review of Madagascar 2 over on Moog's Movie Reviews.

Carry on.

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Today, you get my Halloween post.

Yeah - it's two weeks late.

And, just like Jimmy who 'cracks corn':

I don't care.

As an additional Public Service Announcement, let me say:

Kids, don't crack corn. It could save your life.

Now - here are some pictures of my kids as we went out on Halloween:


My daughter as the Devil and my son, an Alien.

My son's mask had these big, googly eyes that he could barely see out of.

I put the mask on for shits and giggles, and everything was yellow and blurry.

Kind of like the time in high school when I woke up from a Quaalude experience in a giant tub of mayo.

Perhaps I've said too much.


Me: "Cam, you're sure you can see out of this mask?"

Cam: "Yep. I can see no problem!"

We headed out...secure in the fact that my son could see fine.

* ten minutes later *

Me: "Cam..watch out for that ditch!"

*THUMP!

Me: "Cam...curb!"

*BA-DUM!

Me: "Cam..TREE!"

Listen, when you have to warn your kid that there's a THREE FOOT DIAMETER F*CKING TREE that he's about to walk into, it's time to take off the f*cking mask.

So, the rest of the night, my son went Trick-or-Treating as "boy in robe."

Oooooh...it's a boy...in a robe!! Run away!!

I wasn't allowed to make fun of him.


Then we got the worst treat ever.

At the second-to-last house we went to, we were greeted by 'elderly freaky lady.'

Elderly freaky lady promptly dropped into my kids' bags:

A pencil.

Really?

A f*cking pencil?

You couldn't buy a f*cking Milky Way for my kid?


Listen lady, I have a goddamn drawer full of pencils and pens and glue and all kinds of bullshit at my house already...

...what I DON'T have is a drawer full of f*cking Milky Ways.

Douchebag.

F*cking pencil.

My kids get all dressed up, my son damn near gets three concussions trying to see out of this f*cking Vaseline covered googly mask...

...and you give them a f*cking PENCIL?!?

Tell you what...

Maybe I should go home, sharpen it, and come back and stick it in your eye you cheap bitch.

But I'll wear my son's mask so she doesn't recognize me.

Now...where was that tree?

The Devil is her Hero

Just a quickie today.

(Like you ladies out there expect anything else)

My eight-year old daughter is dressing as a Devil for Halloween this year.

You know:

...horns...tail...dress...pitchfork.

We really didn't need to buy anything for her to get this look.

That reminds me, I need to return her principal's phone call....I think I heard a riot in the background.

Regardless...

...she brought home a paper from school that talked about the kids wearing their costumes next week.

My daughter read this aloud to us:

"Costumes representing heroes or patriotic characters are preferred, as it reinforces our theme this week of honoring our national heroes."

Patriotism and heroes.

She wasn't going to be wearing a patriotic costume...

...nor would she be dressed up as a hero.

She sounded...discouraged.

That was until my wife decided to pipe up with this little gem:

Wife: "Well, you can tell them that the Devil is your hero."

*blink*

Nice one, hon.

That should go over well.

Humor: 1
Parenting Skill: 0

That should go over well at school.

You know...if there's anything left of it.

I'll let you know when I get off the phone with the principal.