..and puke begets puke begets puke begets... | Mental Poo

Thursday, March 12, 2009

..and puke begets puke begets puke begets...

Just a reminder that I have that Watchmen review up on Moog's Movie Reviews.

Because sometimes, you people forget shit.

Dummies.

ONWARD!!

***********

I haven't cleaned up this much vomit since college.

And I barely remember that shit.

For some reason, the Gods-O-Vomit have bestowed upon my children their heavenly gift of some hideous fucking stomach virus.

(by the way, 'Gods-O-Vomit' would be a great name for a rock band)


Sitting on the couch the other night, my daughter starts blowing chunks.

AGAIN.

For those keeping score, this is the second fucking time in two weeks that she just started pulling a Linda Blair on my sofa.

****** SIDE BAR *********


Linda Blair in the Exorcist:

Creepy chick, or turn on?

Or..um...creepy turn on?

Nevermind...just found out she was only 13 years old.

Shit.

New question.

Moooooog35:

Creepy or just really hard up?

Discuss.


******* END SIDE BAR ******



Daughter: "GURGGH...GAAAAACCCKKK!"

* splurtch

Fucking. Ay.

So, I pick my daughter up and hold her at arm's length (STRONG LIKE BULL!) as I usher her into the bathroom.

Me: "Go to the toilet! Go right to the toilet!"

Incidentally, my brain tells me this very same thing about 10 minutes after my first cup of coffee every morning.

Actually, it tells my spastic colon.

I've digressed.


Frantic, and now covered in some pinkish globules of vomit, I try to summon the Mrs.

On a related note:

Pink globules of vomit?

What the fuck is this shit?

I'm guessing this is what Fonzie pukes up after oral sex with Pinky Tuscadero.

Mmmmm.

Pinky Tuscadero.

Wait. What?

Oh yeah.

Puke. Wife.

Sometimes I go off track.


My wife was upstairs in our bedroom at the time, watching a Netflix DVD of Grey's Anatomy.

Me: "JENNNNNN!"


* silence

I run to the bottom of the stairs.

What the...?

I hear something buzzing.

Jen: "Oh...doctor McDreamy..."

Oh.

Got it.


Me: "JEEEENNNNNNNN!!!"

* buzzing stops

Jen: "What?!"

Me: "Get down here!"

As I'm trying to pull the seat cushion covers off of the couch while simultaneously trying to mop up 25 puddles of pink pukey shit on my carpet, my wife runs into the bathroom where my daughter is.

That's when this starts getting interesting.

Wife: "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!? GET OFF OF THE TOILET!!"

Um.

Oh.

Apparently, my daughter thought 'get to the toilet' meant 'SIT ON the toilet'....

...at which point she kept puking...

...while staring straight ahead.

Awesome.

My kids are smart.

I hope the town really stops putting flouride in our water soon.

I think it's starting to affect our mental state and OH WHAT ARE THESE?!? PIXIES WITH GUNS?!? DON'T EAT THE WALRUSES!! THEY MAY HAVE CAVITIES!!

Seriously. I think it's the flouride.


My wife picks up my daughter and rushes her to the other bathroom and starts running a bath.

Then she walks past me to start cleaning up the pukey bathroom as I go downstairs to throw this shit in the laundry.

On my way back up, I hear:

"Cooouuughhh! Cough-gaaaack!! Gwooorp! Couggh!! Gaaack!"

Um.

It's coming from the pukey bathroom. Not the bathroom where my daughter is.

Me: "Jen? Is that...is that you?"

Wife: "I can't...COUGGHHGAAAAGHH!!I can't do this...I..OH GOD...GWARRGHH!"

You see:

Vomit makes my wife vomit.

Yep.

I'm a lucky, lucky man.


Me: "You are so lame. It's like I have three kids. Get out, I'll do it."

Yep.

Lucky man, I am.

By the way, this is probably the ONLY time I'd be able to get away with calling my wife 'lame.'

To her face.

She beats me.


So I start cleaning out pukey bathroom, when I make this fantastical discovery:

We have forced hot air heat.

That's not the discovery.

I knew we had forced hot air heat because I have an Engineering degree in Architecture and designed this heating system and...

...well...actually...

...it was a bit of a surprise.

The flouride makes me forget things.

NO.

The discovery was this:

My daughter, who started puking while SITTING ON THE FUCKING TOILET...

...managed to throw up RIGHT IN THE FUCKING AIR VENT RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE TOILET.

I look down into the vent, and see all little bits of Pinky Tuscadero vulva sitting inside.


Me: "JESUS CHRIST! She threw up INSIDE the vent!"

My wife, in the other room, laughs.

Kill me.

It's at this point in time, where you think things POSSIBLY couldn't get any fucking worse...

...that they do.

With paper towels in hand...as I'm trying to clean out the air vent full of vomit...

THE FUCKING HEAT KICKS ON.

* sniiiiiifffffff

Ah.

A gentle, warm breeze reeking of whatever those pink contents of my daughter's stomach were...

...hits me straight in the goddamn face as I'm bent over the vent.

* woosh

Well.

Isn't that just awesome.

Me: "OH!! OH GOD!! AARRGGH! The heat just kicked on!"


My wife in the next room becomes hysterical.

Me?

Not so much.

Hot Chunky Pinky Tuscadero Vomit Whiffs.

Yep.

Another great name for a rock band.

I'm in the wrong business.

Nah.

There's probably just as much puke.

31 comments:

Blonde Goddess said...

I didn't really ever peg Fonzie as the kind of dude who'd go down on a chick.
He seemed kind of uptight about getting his hair messed up.

Stacie said...

you poor thing...I mean, I appreciate the laugh, but you poor thing...

Hilarious...the daughter sitting on the toliet puking all over the floor...omg crack me up.

Stacie said...

you poor thing...I mean, I appreciate the laugh, but you poor thing...

Hilarious...the daughter sitting on the toliet puking all over the floor...omg crack me up.

Chat Blanc said...

*gag* :P

I may never look at the color pink the same way again!

Christina_the_wench said...

Hey lay off Pinky. I think her sister was a dyke. Look at her hair and you decide.

My hubby the He-Man pukes at puke too. Wuss.

LBluca77 said...

HA I love that your daughter thought you meant to sit on the toilet. Hilarious. I mean it sucks for you though. Your house must smell like a vomit scented candle

Olly said...

Tis the season for puke, I guess. My daughter came home from school feeling a little queasy last week and went straight to her room to lay down. I asked her if she needed a bucket. She said no. Twenty minutes later she power-hurled her wall and floor. Greatful her room was somewhat clean and floor wasn't covered in stuff.

The worst thing about these viruses is that they tend to share them with you. Good luck with that. Son and wife not sick yet?

Kellie said...

My gag reflex kicked in just reading about all that pink vomit. That is disgusting. My husband is like your wife and will gag/vomit at the site of vomit. It was a lot of fun the other weekend when he helped my drunk ass puke and he was leaning over me dry heaving the entire time. Gross.

Bow Chica Wah Wah said...

Puke makes me puke too... hope your daughter is feeling better!

Don said...

Damn dude! Sarah Jessica makes me want to come sit on your toilet and puke pink shit too!!
Had to Stumble this one bro'!

Poetry Sue said...

You are the only person I know who has shit like this happen to him... LMAO I am so glad my bad luck is not nearly as bad as yours.... ROTFLMAO

moooooog35 said...

BG: BLASPHEME!!!! His hair was awesome because it was covered in the vitamin rich soil of a thousand beautiful maidens!!

I liked Happy Days.

Stacie: Yeah. Hilarious.

Chat: Nor shall I. Pinky T, here I come baby!

Or were you talking about the puke thing?

Christina: please search this blog for the word 'leather' and it shall reveal my secret crush!

Nevermind. I just did.

Lbluca: Yes. This is what Yankee Candles smell like in Hell.

Olly: Yeah..my daughter set a family vomit distance record of 14 feet - throwing up from her bed to the FAR SIDE bedroom wall.

Impressive, actually.

Kellie: You sure sound like somethin' special!

Bow: She is better. Now we all just have explosive diarrhea.

Don: I imagine Matthew Broderick's bathroom is completely covered in puke.

Poor bastard.

Thanks for the Stumble!

Poetry: If I didn't have bad luck, I'd have no luck at all. Well...maybe really shitty luck, but I think that's worse.

Anonymous said...

If you cleaned up this puke then I know you could have cleaned up a shitty car like my bitch did!

moooooog35 said...

Ladies and gentlemen:

A rare treat today, as the above comment has been left by my friend, Kristin.

Kristin has been adorned on these pages with many a tale of her shitting herself.

The bitch she refers to is her husband, Jeff.

He's a lucky, lucky man.

coffeypot said...

First of all, quit feeding your daughter expired dairy products and pink, fluoride treated lemonade. Next, when the family pukes like that, sell the house and move.

Narm said...

So the wife pukes all over and then laughs as you have to clean it up???

All I have to say is that Saturday is officially Steak and Blowjob day - and I know a certain someone deserves to celebrate.

Becky..AMHW said...

My air vents are in the ceiling. Jealous?

LiLu said...

This is the funniest post I ever read of yours.

I'm going to patent some Pinky Tuscadero lube. That shit will sell like crazy.

At least to YOUR readers. Boo yah.

fiona said...

Once again you have managed to turn "vomit" into some rare art form...bravo! LOL

Kevin John said...

Mooog, you really need a new heat venting system anyway, and don't worry about the air conditioning if you prolong the inevitable. Your house might be cool in July, but smell like Ann Coulter's socks.
Don't sweat it, well install one for you at a very reasonable rate.
Just call.

Malicious Intent said...

Dude, always put puking kid in the bath tub. Dumshit.
Leave them there to puke all over themselves for oh about an hour. Turn on shower, leave for another 30 minutes. This washes the clothes off first so you have less chunkage to take to the laundry.
Ask for clothes, soak another 30 minutes with something nice, like bleach.
Remove kid from tub, offer clean jammies and let them know after they dry out the tub, they can go get their blankets and pillow, cause they are going to sleep in the tub.

Don't you know anything about parenting?

Mike said...

We don't put fluoride in the water.

It's LSD.

Enjoy.

Malach the Merciless said...

I am glad all the LSD I am putting in all your waters is working

ettarose said...

There is nothing worse than snorting in front of your co- workers who know you are not allowed to be on the internet, because by God you didn't pay for it and then comes the line "Pinky Tuscadoro vulva." Why, oh why do you do this to me. You made me snort. You are so freaking crazy. I love you man.

moooooog35 said...

Coffee: I would sell the house, but I got this great rate on a reverse mortgage. I hear they're all the rage.

Narm: Must be nice to be single.

Becky: You haven't seen my daughter puke. Air vents aren't safe.

LiLu: I think Pinky Tuscadero is 95 right about now. She probably needs all the lube she can get.

Fiona: Art? Maybe I should sell some. Too bad I cleaned the vents.

KJ: I would smell Ann Coulter's socks on purpose.

MI: the problem is that you have to remember to drain the water from the tub. Social Services told me that during their last visit.

Mike: Good to know. Be right back, I have bugs on my eyes.

Malach: You and Mike are tag teaming?!

Etta: You're not allowed to be on the Internet? Me either. Human Resources can be assholes.

The Hussy Housewife said...

Having it come out both ends..is not a good day in mental poo land. Every time I come over here..you guys got orifice problems. Isuggest you give a offering to the vomit god..like soon.

Maybe a golden throne??

You are on my slang word of the week card this week! Looking oh sooo HOT!

A Girl, A Boy, and Me said...

I throw up at the sound of throwing up. I have thrown whole carpets and new towels to avoid dealing with it.

My girlfriend always blamed it on the fact I never lived in a dorm room.

Blah Blah said...

This is hilarious and wrong and gross but mostly hilarious.
This is also martini, by the way, under a just-as-equally-classy-new-nickname.
And what the F does "Stumble It" mean? You've gotten far too high-tech.

Kevin John said...

"I would smell Ann Coulter's socks on purpose."

Yuk. This explains alot.
Your taste dear boy is in your mouth.

meleah rebeccah said...

Only YOU could make a stomach virus this entertaining.

Gauche said...

huh. I realize this is a old post, but, you know in case your kids stop vomiting like a geyser in the future, try giving them ginger ale with lemon in it. Normally it helps settle their stomachs down. just a friendly fyi. Sorry bout the icky puke vent.

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