Levitating Homos and My Major Award | Mental Poo

Monday, March 02, 2009

Levitating Homos and My Major Award


No. No.

It's not 'World's Smallest Penis.'

You can't win that award twice.

It's in the rule book.

Suits suck.


I won $60 worth of free flowers over at GO! Smell the Flowers! in a caption contest.

Here's the picture, followed by my AWARD WINNING CAPTION:

Humpty Dumpty - The Musical.” Brought to you by the “Hot Chicks and Levitating Homosexuals Theater Group.”

Fucking ay, that's right!

Suck it, Shakespeare!


I think he did, actually.

$60 in flowers.


$60 in flowers.

I have no idea what I'm going to do with $60 of flowers.

You see, I'm married to the one woman on the planet who HATES flowers.

Hates them.

This makes days like, oh, Valentine's Day and our Anniversary and her birthday all that much FUCKING HARDER BECAUSE I JUST CAN'T GO OUT AND BUY SOME STUPID FUCKING FLOWERS!!!


Instead, I'm the one guy on the fucking planet who actually has to come up with creative and different IDEAS on what to get my wife.


I have to THINK about what to get her.

No man should have to do this shit.

It's fucking tiring.

This XBox isn't going to play itself.

Did I mention she's allergic to everything except GOLD?

(anyone smell scam? anyone?)

By the way, I've known my wife since 1988.

I exhausted the goddamn jewelry avenue years ago.

She looks like Mr. T but with more hair.

(she tans a lot)

So, I suppose I kind of have to wait for someone to die or something.

If anyone out there wants to volunteer, let me know.

I got some nice flowers for ya.

Moog out.


Kevenj said...

So let me get this straight mooog, your wife is the reason gold has shot up past $1000 in the past 10 years?

Have you reported this to CNN?

Unknown said...

Moooooog, I won flowers from them also. They are great, uhh well the person I sent them to said they were. I sent them to a fellow blogger because her and her husband touched my heart. Now I have an awesome friend. I say share them with someone who will appreciate them. Mine were actually a plant that continued to grow. Too maudlin for you?

LBluca77 said...

I don't like flowers either, i even did a post on it yesterday. I prefer the gift of porn. You could give your mom flowers just don't mix it up and give her porn.

Going Like Sixty said...

Oh, Valentine's Day, that's coming up soon. I'll get my thinking condom on.

Anonymous said...

You can send me 60$ worth of flowers any time!

"Humpty Dumpty - The Musical.” Brought to you by the “Hot Chicks and Levitating Homosexuals Theater Group.”


Olly said...

I like it more when my husband picks some wild flowers or cuts some nice roses from our garden. Buying flowers for some Hallmark generated occasion doesn't do anything for me. Chocolate? Now we're talking! And? I never say no to jewelery!

rachaelgking said...

Wait. So all I have to do to get creative, thoughtful and meaningful presents is pretend to hate flowers?

'Scuse me...

Anonymous said...


Get poppies.

Make some opium.


Moooooog35 said...

Kevin John: sssh...I'm one fake charity donation away from getting audited already.

etta: plants are for people who can actually pay attention to shit. OMG..just realized I haven't fed my kids in 3 days.

Hence...no plants.

lbluca: my mom makes her own. TMI.

Going60: Um...dude...hate to break it to you....

Meleah: Yeah. That should be easy to explain.

Olly: Your husband sounds like a true romantic. Or closet homosexual. Does he wear the color 'coral' a lot?

LiLu: Your husband is going to kill me.

Mike: pOppies?!? Sonofabitch. And here I've been trying to make opium out of pUppies this whole time.


Forget I said anything.

Christina_the_wench said...

WTF? You won't give up the flowers unless we DIE? Harsh, dude. Way harsh.

Jane Doe said...

I love flowers, but I don't know you. My boyfriend thinks flowers are just for the dead.
I'd send them anonymously to someone you know that would never get flowers, but would love them.

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

Your wife sounds a lot like me...

And I thought I was very low maintenance...

Coffeypot said...

If you HAVE TO get her flowers, make sure they are the kind you can dry out and smoke. If so, and she still doesn't want them, send them to me.

Knight said...

Don't you have a mother in law to impress once a year or something like that?

Kellie said...

Dang. Your wife is hot.

Kellie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
fiona said...

I love you to death but no way I'm rigging my own death so that you can spend $60 on flowers! If in the unfortunate event I did "pop my clogs" I'd be expecting $60 +++++ what ya gonna send with $60 a friggin bunch of daffodils?

Malach the Merciless said...

No one ever sends me flowers . . .

Moooooog35 said...

Christina: My blog, my rules. Thanks for playing.

Janes: Awwww. Sweet.

No chance.

Mary: No...you're not low maintenance. You're an incredible thorn in your significant other's side every holiday/birthday/etc., etc.

Pretend you want flowers. We'll all thank you for it.

Coffee: I did that and..whoa...dude...my hand is just FLOATING!

Knight: I impress my mother in law with the simple act of being my lovable self.

Plus, sometimes I give her hush money.

Kellie: They say jewelry makes the woman.

Plus boobs. Boobs help.

Fiona: For $60 I got her a lovely Venus Flytrap*.

* crickets not included.

Malach: Dudes who want flowers = women.

Just a helpful tip, there.

Poetry Sue said...

Hey you can always buy me flowers.. I love flowers!!

Susan said...

Nice picture of the wife comparison picture. I'm glad you clarified she "tans" alot.

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