My Crushing Valentine | Mental Poo

Monday, March 09, 2009

My Crushing Valentine


You know....

That Grave Digger is a hopeless romantic.

WITH WHEEL STANDING ACTIONNN! ACTIONNN! ACtionn..ction...tion...

Let me explain.

Another Valentine's Day has come and gone at the Mental Poo household.

What did the wife and I do?

Flowers?

Chocolates?

Cards?

A candlelit romantic dinner for two?

People. Seriously.

Do you even fucking know me?

The last time I did that shit for Valentine's Day, I actually still held out hope that it would get my Mr. Wiggly some action.

Where's that ship?

It sailed, my friends.

It sailed.


I took my son to see "Monster Jam."

That's right.

I spent the entire Valentine's Day with my son watching giant trucks race around a dirt track smashing into random shit.

My wife...

She cries sometimes.


Here are some things I learned at "Monster Jam"

1) HOLY FUCKING SHIT IT'S FUCKING LOUD IN HERE HOLY SHIT WHAT?! WHAT?!?

Yeah. You can't hear anything.

As such, I believe 'Monster Jam' would be a great date night for those guys who have a date with a broad who's really really smoking hot...

...but every time she talks you want to punch her in the fucking throat.


I used to work with a really hot Korean chick named Gina who fit this very mold.

She'd walk into a room, and you'd be like:

BOOOINNNNGG!

(my penis is made of broken clock parts)



But then she'd open her fucking mouth and you wanted to kill her.

We were doing a group interview with a new candidate one time and she asked the guy a question:

Gina: "If you had to do a DNS reverse lookup, what would you be looking for if it was not in reverse?"

* blink

* blink blink

This poor guy has no fucking clue what she's asking.

Neither do I and I work with this shit.


Me: "Gina, I think you might need to rephrase that. It's confusing."

Then she looks at me...IN THE INTERVIEW...and says:

Gina: "Well. You don't know DNS so shut up."

That bitch just threw me under the fucking bus right in front of this guy.

Fucking brilliant.

So, I glared over at her.

My reply:

Me: "You. Bitch."

Yes. An interview.

I called her a bitch during a group interview.

That was my very first visit to meet with Human Resources.

But it went well because the HR guy worked out with me in the gym and if he ever did anything to me I'd simply drop the fucking weight on his skull and kill him fucking instantly and he damn well knew it.

Friends.

They're there when you need them.


What was I talking about?

Oh yeah.

Hot broads who are annoying douchebags.

At some point in his life, every guy has suffered through this shit.

Sure, I want to bang her...but MOTHER OF CHRIST JUST SHUT YOUR FUCKING YAPPER.

The conclusion?

Monster Jam + hot annoying chick = snail city.

(Trademark pending)


2) Camouflage is the new black

I have no idea what that means.

I was fully expecting the entire place to be filled with redneck hillbilly inbred cousins all wearing camouflage vests and sleeveless flannel shirts.

Surprisingly, I only saw, like 3 hillbilly inbred cousins in camouflage.

The rest were in denim cut-off shorts.

Daisy Duke is directly responsible for the soiling of no less than three pairs of my acid washed jeans.


Damn.

What?

Oh. Yeah.

So I saw maybe 3 people in camouflage, which was disappointing.

There could have been more, though.

With camouflage, it's tough to tell.

And what's with all the seats filled with bushes?


So, that was our Valentine's Day.

Loud trucks.

Kids with mullets.

Dirt.

Smashed cars.

Toothless broads in camouflage.

(Man, I miss college)

Who says I'm not a hopeless romantic?

Put your hands down, assholes.

Especially you, honey.

Or next year, you're coming with me.

24 comments:

Christina_the_wench said...

Toothless broads. If I had a dollar for every time I heard that...

BTW, where's my $60 flowers, bastard? I am still waiting.

Mike said...

Chicks that don't shut up.

Isn't that like... all of them?

Don said...

I can totally relate to that shit. I call annoying bitches that I want to fuck "grudge fucks." There's one on my Facebook page now. Duh!

Chris Wood said...

Valentine's Day with monster trucks? Moog you sweetheart.

Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts said...

And people wonder why you are still married. A man after my own heart.

LOL!

coffeypot said...

Since all the rednecks have mullets and wear camouflage, do you know how to tell which one is the wife? She is the one with the snuff spit stains running down the side of her chin and a spit-cup hanging from her belt. Man that makes me miss my mama. The smell of dried sweat and Tuberose Snuff still makes me want to cuddle with my sister, too. And Monster Jam is in a close running with Tractor Pulling as the National Sport of the South. Amen!

Malicious Intent said...

Tell me again....
why does your wife allow you to live?

Christina_the_wench said...

That Mike, he's a charmer. I'm sure they're standing in line to get with that. *snorts*

Blonde Goddess said...

The whole key to dealing with annoying chicks that you want to bang is to be ready to stuff your Mr.Wiggly in their mouth when they open it.
That way you don't have to listen to them talk and you *gag*..mmmwwhhahhhoo...*gag*..mmmgggmmwhha..*gag*...mmmmmhhhhaaahhhmmm.

Kellie said...

I'm jealous. Our plans go to to Monster Jam fell through. I think there would have been plenty of people watching to keep me entertained during it all.

LiLu said...

No. Just no.

There is absolutely NO WAY you could want to bang Fran Drescher.

TAKE IT BACK.

moooooog35 said...

Christina: I sent you your flowers. They came in a tampon-shaped box.

You didn't...um...you did, didn't you?

Nasty.

Mike: Although true, I believe there are actually some that you WANT to talk.

For further reference, see Blonde Goddess' comment or any single thing Lbluca77 puts on here.

Don: Why would you want to screw Pearl Jam?

Oh. GruDge fucks.

Nevermind.

Chris Wood: Tickles your cockles, doesn't it?

Tee: Wrestlemania's coming up! You in?

Coffeepot: And you wonder why we all make fun of you.

MI: Because no one will watch the kids on Wednesday nights when she goes drinking. I think that's pretty much it.

Christina: Yes, they ARE standing in line.

FYI, Mike's in Thailand at a sex club. They all line up there.

BG: Ah. I see the UPS guy is making a delivery at your house.

Kellie: Actually...a lot of fun.

I may need to kill myself because of thinking that.

LiLu: I can't. I'm sorry. I just can't.

Don't even ask me about Mr. Belvedere. You'll be crushed.

c.watson said...

How can you want to bang fran drescher after hearing her talk. Wouldn't her scary voice be going through your head as you're banging her making it a physical impossibility to finish? I guess if you actually duct taped her mouth that might be different.

Malicious Intent said...

No, honestly....she allows you to live because??????

LBluca77 said...

It is true what I have to say is very important and everyone should want to hear me talk.

Not making your wife go to Monster Jam was a great Valentines gift. Mr. Wiggly should have got some action for that.

meleah rebeccah said...

Im dying over this post, but I lost it when I read "Camouflage is the new black" ha ha ha ha

fiona said...

your wife is a Saint...that's all

AngryMan said...

Ah, the old punch and fuck. It's what brought the wife and I together.

Malach the Merciless said...

Such a romantic

coffeypot said...

I don't wonder...I know. It's jealousy.

moooooog35 said...

C.Watson: Listen. I screw donuts recreationally. Fran Drescher is a small step up for me.

MI: Because I'm magically delicious.

Lbluca: Word!

Meleah: Where ya been, woman?

Fiona: Jesus H. Christ. If I had a dime for every time I heard that, I wouldn't have to panhandle.

Angry: I think it's technically called 'donkey punch.' Get with the program.

Malach: Word, part 2.

Coffee: Yeah. That's it. You nailed it, brotha.

Susan said...

Go Blonde Goddess, Go!

Chat Blanc said...

I'm sure you've heard it a million times before, but you ARE a role model!

HumorSmith said...

You still crack me up, even if you don't ever return my EC drops.

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