Cool as Shit

Thank you, Verizon, you made me laugh today.

Except for that f*cking “Can you hear me now” asshole...

...he still needs to die.

But I’ve digressed.


You may have previously read that I had to get a new phone when I took a new job.

(Looking for a great practical joke?! Click on that link above. In my case, it wasn't a practical joke. Friggin' kids.)

My old job required me to carry a BlackBerry, full of email, games, Internet access..the works.

It was like a tiny little party, all wrapped up in cute little device that would F*CKING LOCK UP EVERY FIVE HOURS REQUIRING ME TO YANK THE F*CKING BATTERY TO GET IT BACK.

Ahem.

I liked my BlackBerry.

But alas, it is now gone.

My new job requires me to show up, maybe do some stuff, then go home.

I sometimes may do up to two of the previously mentioned three things.


Here’s how the purchase of my new phone went:

Verizon Salesguy: “So…what features would you like in your new phone?”

Me: “It needs to make phone calls….and maybe even get phone calls.”

I saw the salesman's hopes and dreams swiftly dashed as he realized he was about to spend 30 minutes with me and get a 20-cent commission.

This is what you get for majoring in Liberal Arts, you stupid shit.


Regardless, I got a tiny little piece of shit phone that basically does nothing.

This is good, because my bill is pretty low.

This is bad, because now I have nothing to do while I’m taking a shit at work.

That is…until today.

You see…my phone…it has…it has…

A CAMERA.

(queue porn music)

(woops...wrong soundtrack)

So, as I’m sitting on the pooper for the third time today (I think I'm now bleeding), I’m fumbling through the giant menu set of my phone to find something to keep me occupied.

Besides, you know, shitting.

Unfortunately, my phone menu looks like this:

1) Calls
2) Contacts
3) Camera


Since I don’t get any calls, and have already rearranged and grouped and alphabetized all of my contacts at least 16 times while crapping...

...I decided to turn on the camera.

Me: “Huh. That’s pretty cool.”

(small things amuse me...this is why I masturbate so much)

So, I’m sitting there on the john, pants around my ankles, holding up my camera and playing with the different settings of it.

Then, it happened.

I clicked the “Take Picture” button.


It’s at this moment in time that I should probably tell you that the other two stalls in this bathroom are occupied…

...including the one right next to me.

As I said, I clicked the “Take Picture” button.

At this moment, two things happen:

1) The flash goes off
2) My phone makes that “Kajoosh” camera/shutter sound

Oh.

No.

*cricket*

The room goes completely silent.

I have no idea what the guy in the stall next to me was thinking as he:

a) Hears me say, “Huh. That’s pretty cool.”
b) Hears the camera go off and the flash light up as I then take a picture.

Shit.


Nice one, Rod.

On a side note, if you ever want to have some fun in a public bathroom, I highly suggest using this method.

However, you may want to do some of the following before taking the picture:

1) Grunt loudly and then say, “Oh man…she’s gonna love this one.”

2) Exclaim, “My doctor is gonna freak when he sees this.”

3) Laugh out loud, take the picture, then place a fake call saying loudly, “Hey…you remember that thing we did with the hamster?”

I miss my BlackBerry…but apparently you too can make your own fun on a $39/month plan.

I’m here to help.

Enjoy.