These Balls Smell Like Beef Jerky! | Mental Poo

Monday, June 08, 2009

These Balls Smell Like Beef Jerky!


Have I mentioned that I HATE people?

Really.

I really, really do.

This fact came into blazing clarity the other night as my family attended our weekly "Adult/Child Bowling League."

We've been doing this for a while as a family on Wednesday nights.

I bowl with my son while my wife bowls with my daughter.

This translates to:

"I get to see how slowly a bowling ball can roll before it actually starts moving BACKWARDS...

...while my wife finds out that you really CAN sing songs from High School Musical and dance ballet really ANYWHERE."


Why do we do this?

1) The family spends time together.
2) It empties $32 out of my wallet every week.
3) I get to spend the time listening to the local trailer-trash yell at their bastard children.

Hm.

Great.

Now I'm asking myself why we do it.

Of course, the first fifteen minutes of bowling are spent weeding out all the pedophiles and shit who showed up after only seeing the words "adult," "child," and "balls" on the flyer.

Assholes.

I WANT TO START BOWLING, ALREADY!!

Me: "Dad...what are you doing here?"

The other night, I was paired next to FWTDB.

FWTDB = (fat, white-trash disgusting bitch)

To say that this woman looked like a walking colostomy bag would be to heap vast amounts of praise on her.

400 pounds of acne-riddled, slick-haired, Jerry-Springer-watching trash.

Ugh.

How do I know that she was white trash?

Let's go over the finer points:

1) She appears like she hasn't washed her hair in weeks.

I believe, at one point, I saw a chipmunk poke it's head out.


2) She was wearing a "Mark Martin" NASCAR shirt.

Now, there's a fine line here that needs to be drawn.

A woman who wears a "Jeff Gordon" shirt may be wearing it because Jeff Gordon is cute (I would bang Jeff Gordon).

However, Mark Martin bears a remarkable resemblance to my right nut.

Additionally, he's not a household name and doesn't have cardboard stand-ups of him peddling chicken pot-pies in my supermarket.

This means that she's a true fan of WATCHING PEOPLE DRIVE CARS.

Personally, I would rather eat the fucking chipmunk in her hair then to watch people drive.

I do enough of that shit on my commute every day.


3) She brings "Grandma" to bowling.

This also, in and of itself, does not brand her as "white trash."

However, what DOES clue me in to the fact that this woman may live in a single-wide is this fact:

GRANDMA HAS HIPPIE HAIR.

Now, my grandmothers both went to the hairdresser.

They cared how they looked. Even if it meant that they looked OLD.

White trash granny?

No hairdresser.

Grandma has been letting her gray hair grow straight...

...down to the length of her waist...

...and is wearing it with a nice part right down the middle.

Mmmmm....

SEXY.

She was also wearing a "Coors" windbreaker.

And, apparently, she shares the same hair-washing schedule as her daughter.


Now...

Amidst all of this greasy display of trashitude is her son.

Her son is running rampant around the bowling alley - more specifically in and out of my fucking bowling lane.

All the time he's doing this, he's making shooting/explosion sounds:

"PSSSHHHH!!! PFPFFFFTTT!!"

In between this lovely cacophony, he stops to cough without covering his mouth:

"CAAACKK!! CAARRCKK!"

Great.

Me (pointing up): "Look, son! An actual hepatitis germ!"

Awesome.

I'm never. Bowling. Again.


Her son (I'll call him "Fuckwad Dipshit") is the same age as my son.

This means, that they're now best friends.

As such, they're sitting together at the scoring table, playing.

For some reason, Fuckwad Dipshit is making explosion sounds, even though they're playing with little plastic seahorses.

Dipshit: "PPSHSHSH!! CAAAACKK!! PFFFFTTSS!!"

Seriously, kid.

They're FUCKING SEAHORSES.

What the fuck is this kid doing?

I look down.

The entire scoring table is COVERED IN FUCKWAD DIPSHIT'S SPIT.

Awesome.


My son then does a little "Pfffsshshtt!" explosion sound...

...at which point I say:

Me: "Cam, try no to do that. YOU'RE GETTING SPIT ALL OVER THE TABLE."

*hint*

*hint*, mama fatass, *hint*

FWTDB continues to bowl.

She says nothing to Fuckwad Dipshit.

Nothing about Fuckwad Dipshit's coughing and lack of mouth-covering.

Nothing about him slathering my bowling lane, and also my son, in a thick layer of double-wide saliva.

Nothing.


At one point, my wife came over.

Me: "Don't be surprised if Cam wakes up with Ebola tomorrow."

Wife: "Why?"

Me (loudly): "This kid is spitting and coughing all over the place. It's disgusting."

FWTB hears this (my point)...

...and she and I make eye contact.

She could, in all honesty, kill me with one swing of her arm flab.

But she doesn't.

She tells her kid to stop. Finally.

She doesn't kill me.

NO...I think she's saving THAT for our appearance on Jerry Springer.

I hope she brings Grandma.

I got a thing for old broads with ponytails.

29 comments:

Christina_the_wench said...

I'm sorry. You just can't take my family out in public. We've been warned by the CDC but we don't listen. A thousand pardons.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Mark Martin is a household name. Or, at least he used to be.

I defend him because he used to have a shop in northern Indiana and was real cool about people coming by to check it out.

Plus, he's about five feet tall on a good day. Shouldn't you short people hang together?

Mike said...

Thank you.

I now no longer wish to move to the States.

You make our trailer trash seem like english butlers.

Thank you.

ClaireMontgomeryMD said...

mr. good body! i loved him as a kid but clearly see his creepiness now. your post leaves me needing a HOT shower.

FawkesFire said...

well, at least you only have to deal with this stuff once a week, I work for the guest service department for a theme park. This blog is basically a "good day" for me...trust me, I know what this feels like. May I suggest carrying a bottle of Purell with you? I have one and it is my small shield that stands between me and the germ ridden masses that come to my theme park. If it wasn't for the fact that I actually enjoy trying to help people, I'd have quit a long time ago.

p.s try talking to a manager if this happens again. You can point out that you paid to use a bowling lane and as such you are entitled to use it without random children using it as a playground. If the manager refuses to do anything then bowl as you would normally. Each kid is worth 50 points.

moooooog35 said...

Christina: I THOUGHT she smelled familiar.

Mjenks: Sure, he's a household name.

He is a household name in all households that own a banjo.

Mike: You wanted to move to the States?

Wow. That was a close call.

Anything I can do for my country.

Claire: Mr. Goodbody?

I really thought you were talking directly to me there for a second.

Seriously. I'm stellar.

Fawkes: You enjoy trying to help people?

And you read THIS?!?!

Nooter said...

um, where are the beef jerky balls? i heard someone was handing out beef jerky balls here.

FawkesFire said...

I think your blogs are some weird therapy for me or something....LOL. my myspace is filled to the breaking point with blogs just like this one....

It's all about learning how to ACT when dealing with idiots. you know, no sudden movements and such...

moooooog35 said...

Nooter: Wow. Now I'm friggin' hungry.

Fawkes: blogs "just like this one?!?!"

"JUST LIKE THIS ONE?!?!"

I'm devastated.

Devastated.

I hope you're happy.

Chris @ Maugeritaville said...

Holy crap, Moogie, this is the funniest thing I've read in a long time. I mean, the Jeff Gordon/Mark Martin bit (he does look like a nutsack), the walking colostomy bag, man, this was a comedic ass-kicking. Great work.

Melanie said...

All the rednecks love them some Mark Martin because he used to drive the viagra car ( I did a rotation in PA school at the free clinic so I became familiar with things like this) Nothing screams cool like impotence. And speaking of viagra and the free clinic your tax dollars will pay for her and her mullet clad significant other to get viagra so they can produce more fuckwads or dipshits. Thanks for the laugh :)

Winky Twinky said...

LMAO!! I'm surprised you put up with that as long as you did...

DouglasDyer said...

If I had a damn nickel for every blog I've read about spitting cobras, greasy bowlers, battling seahorses, Mark Martin's testicular resemblance, and kids with ebola and probably shaken baby syndrome...I mean jeez! Would it kill you to come up with something original once in a while?

Don said...

Sounds like a lot of bowling alleys that I'v been too. Except here it's NASCAR and rebel flags everywhere. The greasy haired females are the ones with the sawed off shotguns. The kids handle the light stuff. Dads are off fucking with the beehive blond hairdo three lanes over while chugging Pabst and corn chips.

L'uragano (The Hurricane) said...

OMG......Mark Martin has a f'ing cold sore in that shot...no flipping wonder FWTDB is sporting him on a tee.

moooooog35 said...

Chris: Awesome.

Mental Poo: Kicking your fucking ass..you know...comedically...since 2007.

Melanie: Nothing screams 'cool' like impotence.

You mean...

I'M COOL?!?!

Best. Day. Ever.

Winky: You'll be even more surprised when I tell you I wrote this a fucking year ago.

How's THAT for putting up with it?

Doug: I know, I know.

Sometimes you just gotta phone it in.

Don: You guys have corn chips and Pabst?!?

I'm totally moving.

L'agagahanaoanoa (hurricane person): I think you may have confused the pictures.

I believe you're looking at my vasectomy scar and not a cold sore.

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

grossgrossGROSS-AUAUAUGHGHGHGHGH-GROSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!

I would like to take this opportunity to point out that being po' and being nasty/dirty/white-trash are ALLEGEDLY not necessarily related. Having said that, when was the last time you saw a rich person shop at Wal-Mart?

FawkesFire said...

awww. I'm sorry. when I say "just like this one." I mean they are similar and I can only dream to ascend to the white trash bashing heights that you have clearly conquered. Forgive me, I am but a mere ant in the shadow of your monumental literary skills.

Malach the Merciless said...

Gotta Love New Hampshire!

LiLu said...

"To say that this woman looked like a walking colostomy bag would be to heap vast amounts of praise on her."

This is my favorite sentence you've ever written, of all time.

Truth.

P.S. Is the Tweety Bird mandatory to be a 'normal grandma'?

Un[Censored] said...

I know what you mean, I used to avoid all bowling alley-type places when I lived in TN, but then you drive down the road and there's a piss yellow beast of a car, rolling down the road. The passenger side of the car is so weighed down, it looks like the car had hydrolics that failed on one side.

You may want to check the kids for hair cooties, lol. They don't survive in oil spills but you never know. They could have mutatued.

Katie said...

Theres a commercial where there is a kid in a bubble, and although I hate the commercial, I'm beginning to think it just may be a good idea.

Malicious Intent said...

We have a bowling night too, but an autism bowling night. Not as nearly as interesting as yours. Fortunately the kids with autism and their siblings are far more well behaved than the neurotypicals, so we rarely have to deal with such delights. Now occasionally we do have to deal with a streaker running down the alley, but that is neither here nor there....that is a medication issue between the parents and doctor.

meleah rebeccah said...

I've never imagined there could be a White Trash Granny - until now. Thanks for that imagery.

moooooog35 said...

Nanny: or are people rich BECAUSE they shop at Walmart?

I just rocked your world, didn't I?

Fawkes: You're stalking me, aren't you?

Malach: Yes. Here 'paying for the Big Dig' means making a new bathroom in the backyard.

Lilu: Of all time?!

Thanks for raising the fucking bar on me for future posts.

Bitch. Unbelievable.

Un: I thought they just shot the pins with shotguns in Tennessee.

Katie: Is it because he has some horrible, communicable disease?

Best. Commercial. Ever.

MI: I was totally waiting on a Nascar response from you...but, then again, you can't argue with the Mark Martin/testicle resemblance.

Meleah: You're welcome. I'm here for you.

And by "here for you" I mean "eating cereal."

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

What are you saying? *hides banjo under bed* Hey, is that Ned Beatty over there?

GeologyJoe said...

nice find with the mr. goodbody pic. i almost forgot about that guy...almost.

Un[Censored] said...

Moogz, they shoot anything with shotguns in Tennessee...anything they can find.

What can you expect from a bunch of people who name towns like "Bucksnort" or "Finger"...
"Frog Jump".

I know. Good point, eh?

Malicious Intent said...

Actually, no you cannot argue about the Mark Martin thing. But I always thought he looked more like one of those hairless blind moles.

Spot on about Jeff Gordon...he is a hottie. You would like the drivers, they are all rather short, I look down at most of them. So despite their school girl good looks, most of them are just not for me.

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