At long last...
..my wife is happy.
Since I believe that my wife's happiness is actually one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse...
(move over, Famine!)
...you should probably take cover.
I finally pulled the trigger.
At the ripe old age of 40...
I finally decided to have my d*ck enlarged.
You read that right.
I had my d*ck enlarged.
Why would you have your d*ck enlarged?
Sit right down there on that toadstool, my friend with the compacted anal glands, and let me tell you why.
For as long as I can remember...
...my wife would complain about the size of my d*ck.
In her defense...
...it was a pretty small d*ck.
But, no, she wasn't happy with it at all.
Nope...my d*ck just wasn't big enough for her.
If I had a nickel for all the times she complained about the size of my d*ck, I'd be a millionaire.
A millionaire with a tiny d*ck.
My d*ck didn't "reach all the right places."
My d*ck "wasn't comfortable."
My d*ck was "starting to look awful after years of neglect."
Like that's my fault.
You know...come to think of it...
I can't even remember the last time she sat on my d*ck.
So, for her...for the love of my life...
I had my d*ck enlarged.
The whole d*ck enlargement procedure cost me about $2500.
I don't know what the average rate is for a d*ck enlargement, but the guy who did it was about $1000 cheaper than the next guy because he was married to my wife's friend.
In fact, at one point in the procedure, my wife's friend came in to assist.
I was a little nervous having a chick work on my d*ck...
(times, they are a-changin')
...but, I have to say, they did a phenomenal job.
Total d*ck rejuvenation.
My new d*ck is large.
My new d*ck is hard.
Honestly, it's some of the most impressive wood that I've ever seen.
And most of all:
My wife loves sitting on my new d*ck.
Nowadays, it's not absurd to actually find her sitting on my d*ck on a weekday.
I even let my dog sit on my d*ck now.
Sometimes, I put her dog food on it.
This makes her happy.
However we have a new rule about my new d*ck and the dog:
If she poos on my new d*ck even ONCE, she's not allowed on it anymore.
I hate that stupid fucking dog.
Where was I?
So my wife loves sitting on my new d*ck.
And so do I.
That's right, my new d*ck is THAT big.
It's SO big...
Even my kids play on it.
To hear them laugh and giggle while they're jumping up and down on my big new d*ck is priceless.
Sometimes, they even color on it with markers.
So, without further ado...
Check out my big, new d*ck:
So, there's my big, new deck.
You fucking perverts.
Anybody seen my dog?
This food isn't going to last too long just sitting here on my penis.