My Great Big D*ck | Mental Poo

Thursday, July 02, 2009

My Great Big D*ck


At long last...

..my wife is happy.

Since I believe that my wife's happiness is actually one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse...

(move over, Famine!)

...you should probably take cover.

Cuz, yeah....

She's happy.


You see:

I finally pulled the trigger.

At the ripe old age of 40...

I finally decided to have my d*ck enlarged.

You read that right.

I had my d*ck enlarged.


Why, Moooooog?

Why would you have your d*ck enlarged?

Sit right down there on that toadstool, my friend with the compacted anal glands, and let me tell you why.

You see...

For as long as I can remember...

...my wife would complain about the size of my d*ck.

In her defense...

...it was a pretty small d*ck.

But, no, she wasn't happy with it at all.

Nope...my d*ck just wasn't big enough for her.

If I had a nickel for all the times she complained about the size of my d*ck, I'd be a millionaire.

A millionaire with a tiny d*ck.



My d*ck didn't "reach all the right places."

My d*ck "wasn't comfortable."

My d*ck was "starting to look awful after years of neglect."

Like that's my fault.

You know...come to think of it...

I can't even remember the last time she sat on my d*ck.

So, for her...for the love of my life...

I had my d*ck enlarged.

The whole d*ck enlargement procedure cost me about $2500.

I don't know what the average rate is for a d*ck enlargement, but the guy who did it was about $1000 cheaper than the next guy because he was married to my wife's friend.

In fact, at one point in the procedure, my wife's friend came in to assist.

I was a little nervous having a chick work on my d*ck...

(times, they are a-changin')

...but, I have to say, they did a phenomenal job.


Total d*ck rejuvenation.

My new d*ck is large.

My new d*ck is hard.

Honestly, it's some of the most impressive wood that I've ever seen.

And most of all:

My wife loves sitting on my new d*ck.

Nowadays, it's not absurd to actually find her sitting on my d*ck on a weekday.

A WEEKDAY.

Awesome.

I even let my dog sit on my d*ck now.

Sometimes, I put her dog food on it.

This makes her happy.


However we have a new rule about my new d*ck and the dog:

If she poos on my new d*ck even ONCE, she's not allowed on it anymore.

I hate that stupid fucking dog.

Where was I?

Oh, yeah.

So my wife loves sitting on my new d*ck.

And so do I.

That's right, my new d*ck is THAT big.

It's SO big...

Even my kids play on it.

To hear them laugh and giggle while they're jumping up and down on my big new d*ck is priceless.

Sometimes, they even color on it with markers.

So, without further ado...

Check out my big, new d*ck:




So, there's my big, new deck.

DECK.

You fucking perverts.

Now...

Anybody seen my dog?

This food isn't going to last too long just sitting here on my penis.

Moog out.

46 comments:

GoingLikeSixty.com said...

sigh... ya got me. Good. Real good. You are just to clever for me.
I thought you got your Duck enlarged.
or your Dock.

I know, I know, I bow to the M*ster.

Christina_the_wench said...

WTF? I come here for porn and perversion and I get punked? I feel cheap and disillusioned. Just like prom night, but without any Stroh's and taffeta.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

You could have pointed out that your wife needs stairs to get up on your d*ck now.

Winky Twinky said...

Impressive d*ck Moooooog!!

GeologyJoe said...

its so big!

ya know why it was a grand cheaper than the other guy?
because the other guy would have probably taken the time to align the deck boards and avoid that offset.

moooooog35 said...

Going60: Oh..I see how you misread it. Totally unintentional. I'm such a cad!!

Christina: don't forget the roofies..

Mjenks: Dude, I'm 5'2" tall. How short would she need to be?

Winky: If I had a nickel...

GeoJoe: I'll take the extra grand and get deal with it.

What you DON'T see (or can't tell) is that he matched up to my pool deck as well. The pool deck and the house deck had different sized boards...so he had to match up one or the other...or tear my whole house deck up and redo it and..well...fuck that shit.

Like I said...I'll keep the grand and ignore it.

justjp said...

You got me bro! I was thinking, holy shit, is he really writing... Oh, hell he got me. Great post!

Lily said...

The asterisk gave it away from the start:

The Moog I know would never, EVER asterisk a dirty word.

Asking Moog to asterisk a dirty word is like asking the sun not to shine.

(but it is beautiful. I'd love to sit on it)

bakingwithplath said...

I would like to sit on this d*ck.

Bon Don said...

Wow Moooooog you have a large beautiful d*ck!!

but I'm sure you've heard that alot lately!

Oh the possiblities of all the fun things you could do on a d*ck that big...

LiLu said...

If I poop on your deck, am I not allowed on it anymore either?

Olly said...

Nice d*ck!!! You must be so proud!

Maxie said...

For some reason I thought it was going to be your duck, but that didn't make sense. Why am I an idiot?!

Dr Zibbs said...

Rachel Rae.

Bird Shit and Baby Caca said...

My that is some impressive wood!

Stacie's Madness said...

sweet, hope you enjoy your new d*ck as much as your wife does!

The Peach Tart said...

hope the wife gets some d*ck on your d*ck....you know in the hammock or lounge chair or something

moooooog35 said...

justjp: Yet you kept on reading thinking it was about my penis?

Dude.

Lily: Go read my old shit. Asterisks everywhere.

No idea what the f*ck I was thinking.

Baking: I'm considering renting out space on it since it's now so wildly popular.

Bon: Congratulations on the being the first woman to tell me I have a beautiful d*ck.

I cry sometimes.

LiLu: You mean 'again' right?

Sicko.

Olly: So's my mom.

Wow. That sounds weirder than I thought.

Maxie: Yes. I let my dog sit on my duck.

What's wrong with you, woman?

Actually...that sounds like fun.

Zibbs: Flannel shirts.

Sometimes, I don't get you.

Bird Shit: Ten bucks says that I bet you know how to say that in sign language.

Stacey: I'm usually alone with it.

Did I mention that I cry sometimes?

Peach: She gets some duck on my deck?

I don't get it.

Kellie said...

I think you seriously out did yourself w/ this one. This should go down in the Moog hall of fame. All the while I was wondering why you weren't typing dick out b/c I know you have before. That is what this blog is all about. Big d*ck.

Jen said...

All this time I thought it was your dock and wondered where your boat was, and water, etc.

Silly me.

Chris@Maugeritaville said...

I knew it was gonna be d*ck. I saw it coming a mile away. Did you shellack your hard d*ck yourself, or did you hire professionals? Though it looks like your wife likes your d*ck in the back, did you consider putting it in the front?

Mike said...

That's a beautiful d*ck.

And anyone who didn't know what you were talking about 10% of the way through is a moron.

Still, enjoyable read ;)

moooooog35 said...

Kellie: You had me at 'd*ck.'

I don't know what I mean by that.

Jen: Yes...silly was the word I was thinking, too.

Chris: Excellent point about the back vs. front.

* sighs realizing this is only true for the deck

Mike: Calling all mental giants...Mike has called you out!!

Get him!!

Or not.

I don't care, really.

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

Yeah, I came over here because I thought you got your DUCK enlarged too.

Tease.

DouglasDyer said...

Hey your d*ck has brown stain all over it too!

Nanodance said...

OMG! I AM a total perve! I had no idea I was so perverted. Thanks for pointing it out.

FawkesFire said...

well played, good sir. Well played indeed. awesome blog.

Malach the Merciless said...

Wow, $2500 a good deal on that, the materials about were probably around 2K

Collette said...

I hope you treated that wood. Hate to see your nice big d*ck get cracks from being exposed to the elements!

Zan said...

Can I sit on your d*ck? It may be the only d*ck I get for a while...

moooooog35 said...

Nanny: What's up with you people and ducks? You're sicker than me.

And that's saying something.

Doug: And smells like Mrs. Dyer!

Too soon?

Nano: Anything I can do to help. I'm here for you.

I'm also lying.

Fawkes: Thank you...from the bottom of my shriveled black heart.

Malach: Couldn't turn the deal down...and he did a great job. To do it myself would have caused some sort of nuclear accident.

Collette: Good point. I have weird tan lines from the last time I ...oh..dEck...dammit...I keep confusing myself.

Zan: I think there's room for, like, 8 on there now...so I don't see a problem with that.

My wife, on the other hand tends to frown on strangers sitting on my d*ck.

Can't blame the woman for wanting it all to herself, really. It is quite ravishing.

Emily said...

Fabulous! Excellently done. I bow.

Becky..AMHW said...

I got here late.

fEck.

ettarose said...

Ohhh the shades of a redneck I see. You are a bad bad boy moooooog. Now your wife can never bitch about your small d*ck again.

CatLadyLarew said...

Sadly, I don't have a d*ck to begin with... perhaps I can come over and share yours? We could have a good time together. I even promise not to poop on your d*ck. Unless of course, it's a poop d*ck.

Sincerely,
Cat Lady

Kirsten said...

Impressive d*ck, my friend!

Mike said...

My d*ck is almost that big. Only wrinklier.

moooooog35 said...

Emily: Thank you. And as you bow, I do crazy things to your head while you're not looking.

Becky: Fashionably late, though.

I forgive you.

THIS time.

ettarose: Redneck?! I don't drink Pabst!!!

CatLady: Hey..congrats on creeping me right the fuck out!

Kirsten: I can't wait to see what my search terms come up with after all these comments.

Mike: Oh. Look.

Vomit.

Swirl Girl said...

I am rolling , yes- actually rolling on the floor at your new d*ck! How'd it take the Thompson's water seal??

Omyword! said...

Oh man. I have to admit, you got me there. I'm thinking, "Wow, can they DO that?" and "Do they just add skin, or what?" and then, "Nah, that wouldn't work. He'd have a floppy dick-end." And then, "Well, if they can take a man to the moon...they can add muscle and fat and whatever other magical components are used (and abused) in the erection process." and then, "Will the doctor tap on the end of his dick to see if he's "lost sensitivity" like they did to my nipples when I had my breasts enlarged?" Then, "Wow, his wife is brave to actually SAY that his dick isn't big enough. wow." and then, "I remember my ex-boyfriend whose ex-wife tried to make him get his dick reduced. Now SHE was nuts. Really. But he was a bastard. Dick or no dick."

See where my stream of consciousness goes?

Congrats on your new deck, and give my regards to all who sit upon it.

beaverboosh said...

You call that big? Man my d*ck is way bigger than yours... I am thinking about a d*ck reduction its so freakin big it looks well, freakish!

Malicious Intent said...

Are you mature enough to handle a d*ck that big? I mean, do you know what to do with a d*ck that size? Did it come with instructions? Suggestions?

I guess as long as your wife is happy, your happiness is rather irrelevant.

Congrats!

Meghan said...

Wow, think your wife would mind if I sat on your giant d*ck?

Chris Wood said...

Glad to hear your d*ck is giving satisfaction all round.

meleah rebeccah said...

I totally fell for that one. But I am easily fooled. Nice new DECK! Im sure you guys will have loads of fun with that!

moooooog35 said...

Swirl: It beads up and rolls off...just like a hooker when I forget my money.

Omyword: Thanks for keeping that concise.

Beaver: You know what they say about having a d*ck too big, don't you?

Actually, I'm asking. I have no idea.

MI: The user's manual is entirely in Spanish.

Figures.

Meghan: I'm not even going to ask.

Chris: Wow...my d*ck is famous even across the pond?!

Meleah: You're too easy.

It says that in the men's room, too...FYI.

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