Feelin' Loopy | Mental Poo

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Feelin' Loopy


Upside down
Boy, you turn me
Inside out
And round and round
Upside down
Boy, you turn me
Inside out
And round and round

- Diana Ross

*********** Sidebar ***********

Did Diana Ross come up with these lyrics as she was being manhandled during rough sex?

I’m guessing some 69 action ("upside down you turn me")


…some reverse cowgirl ("round and round")


..and maybe some bumsex ("inside out"…since sometimes there’s some poop on your penis)


Also:

OMG OMG OMG How will I get this image of Diana Ross getting railed out of my goddamn head now?

Discuss

*********** End Sidebar ***********

Shit.

Where was I?

Oh, yeah.

Rollercoasters.

Obviously.

Here, in my little New Hampshire town, we have an amusement park.

Cows get in ½ price on Tuesdays!

Nice.

Actually..it’s a pretty good amusement park namedCanobie Lake Park’ and – as far as parks can go in New Hampshire – is pretty decent.

(Canobie Lake Park Marketing slogan: "Come see our ride!")

I kid.

They have two rides.

If you can count the popcorn vendor as a ride.

I’ve digressed.


My 8 year old daughter, Payton, is the only one in my family who will go on roller coasters with me.

She’s been on a number of coasters, but never a steel coaster.

Canobie has a steel corkscrew coaster.

(It's next to the petting zoo and 'fuck your own sheep' exhibit)

Me: “Payton…are you going to go on your first loop coaster?”

Payton: “Yep.”

AWESOME.

She was pumped. I was pumped.

She was finally going to go on a loop coaster.

That is..you see...

..until we got in line.

Payton: “..maybe I’m not ready.”

Sonofabitch.

There goes my fucking loop coaster ride.


Can I beat children here?

It IS New Hampshire…I’m pretty sure it’s allowed as long as the branding iron isn’t over 300 degrees.

Me: “Honey..look…there are other kids doing it…you’ll be fine.”

She wasn’t fine.

We inch closer to the front of the line.

Payton: “Maybe I’ll wait a bit..”

Seriously?

We’re RIGHT THE FUCK HERE.

Me: “You’ll be fine…see? It goes up, it goes around..it comes back. It will be over before you know it.”

I'm loaded with compassion.


Finally...

We’re next.

The car pulls up, the other people get out…and we slide into our seats.

That’s when it gets ugly.

Payton starts standing up to get out.

Payton: “I don’t want to do this…I want to get out..”

Me (pulling her back in): “We’re already here. It will be over before you know it.”

(I say this to my wife every so often…it helps get me sex if she knows it’s gonna be quick and she won’t miss Big Brother or those funny Verizon FIOS commercials)



The bars come down.

We start moving.

Payton starts…

Crying.

Fuckity fuckfuck.

As we go up the hill…she’s crying harder.

The people in front are looking back at the crying girl and the guy who made her do this.

Hi.

How you doin.

Fuck me. Shit.

As we reach the top…turn the corner…and reach the crest of the first drop…

Payton yells…

THIS:


Crying, hysterical, and at the top of her lungs:

“I ONLY DID THIS TO MAKE YOU HAAAAPPPPPPYYYY!!!!”

Great.

Anyone see my 'Father of the Year Award?'

You can probably stop looking.

Luckily, the ride only lasted 23 seconds...

(Hey! I could be a corkscrew roller coaster!)

...and my daughter survived.

She was psyched.

She made it.

We high fived.

And she hasn't stopped bragging about it since.

Seriously...it's been, like, fucking nonstop.

She won't shut up about it.

It's driving me nuts.

So if she thinks I'm taking her to the Popcorn Vendor ride, she's crazy.

33 comments:

JenJen said...

I love love love this. The roller coasters cannot be too fast, high or big for me. Your poor baby. What a rotten father you are.
I totally thought the egg timer was the head of a penis.
I need to get out of the gutter.

New here, not sure how I found you, but I'm sure I've seen your tag before.

shine said...

I don't like roller coasters. And I wouldn't get on one to make you happy.

But I had a similar experience with Space Mountain when I was 12. People probably thought my mom was beating the shit out of me. I got to stand there and wait for her to get back. I cried the whole time.

Zen Mama said...

Okay, so you could be a corkscrew roller coaster - at least you don't have a corkscrew penis....or do you?

JenJen said...

Zen Mama! I dated a dude with a banana shaped penis...

Ed Adams said...

Kings Island used to have a kiddie roller coaster version of The Beast called the Beastie. First coaster I every rode. I was 5. I spent the entire time curled up in a fetal position in the bottom of the car, crying. Very much like the first time I had sex.

Dr Zibbs said...

Do you know what "Ring My Bell" was about?

If you guessed the clit, you'd be right.

hellotaylor said...

Wow. Your daughter is a master of the guilt trip.

moooooog35 said...

JenJen: You've seen my tag?

I had no idea my fly was down.

Shine: Now THAT'S some good parenting right there.

Zen: It's how I open wine.

You may want to skip this bottle.

JenJen: Did you make monkey noises when you ate it?

Ed: You had sex in the bottom of a roller coaster car?

Zibbs: ...the wha..?

HelloTaylor: Sadly, she mastered this on hill #1.

Don said...

A buttered popcorn vendor ride AND a 'fuck the sheep' exhibit? Or would that be a ride too? Get out of here! How lucky...BTW, yes, that WAS celery. I know first hand, er...fist.

Sass said...

Is the popcorn dude hot?

Then yes, he is a ride.

Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts said...

I totally love roller coasters! I will not go to a park with anyone who does not ride. Why set myself up to be disappointed.

I once went with this one guy and he waited until WE GO TO TO THE PARK to tell me he was afraid of coasters. I told this guy to "...man the fuck up."

The Vegetable Assassin said...

The dude giving it to Diana Ross looks kind of...vacantly comatose.

Also wait till you're 80 and your daughter makes YOU go on the coaster and your teeth go flying into Vermont. Yeah.

Seems we're ALL about the porn today!

Christina_the_wench said...

Ed's a wuss. The Beast is awesome. And I am not talking about your penis....

CatLadyLarew said...

Since Vlad was the large economy size kid, he was tall enough to ride the roller coasters by the time he was 4. Lucky me! I endured about 8 years of that and only lost my lunch once. I'm so proud! Now that he's 22 he no longer cares about it. Those happy days are gone... thank god!

Mike said...

The "I only said I'd do this to make you happy" guilt trip.

She's going to make some guy very very unhappy one day ;)

The Peach Tart said...

You always make me laugh and shake my head wondering how in the hell you come up with this stuff like the Diana Ross bit which had me rolling and then to transition to the roller coaster and your daughter's guilt trip.

Well even though she tried to guilt you initially it sounds like you are the hero now since she's bragging about it.

Maybe that will give you some brownie points with Mrs. Poo for a little toss in the sack.

VE said...

I knew that's what happened to Diana Ross...

Malach the Merciless said...

Now take her to 6 Flags in Agawam, get her on Superman.

DK @ Knucklehead! said...

Okay, you lost me. When you said the ride lasted 23 seconds, were you still referring to your wife?

Dude.

And thanks for making the move with me over to the new site. I appreciate it.

ettarose said...

mooooog, why would you want to fuck Diana Ross with celery? That would be like fucking Michael Jackson with a banana. Ewwwwwww.

moooooog35 said...

Don: Was it crunchy?

Sass: And here I was thinking that taking the "hot nuts vendor" job was the way to go.

Tee: ..how was the second date? Did you bring him flowers?

Veggie: It's always about the porn.

It's how I roll.

Christina: Suuuuure you're not talking about my penis.

CatLady: You have a kid named Vlad?

I bet the girls call him "Vlad the Impaler."

Name of my penis, coincidentally.

Mike: Don't all women?

Peach: That's me...always moving.

Like an escalator with a filthy mind.

VE: certainly explains the hairdo.

Malach: Next year's trip, baby!

should be funny.

DK: Yes...I was.

You know...it's funnier when I don't have to explain it.

Etta: I'm not banging her with celery.

Look again. Read the line just above.

What I drew there is waaay worse.

LiLu said...

7 whole SECONDS?!

*high five*

Mars said...

We get in half price on Tuesday? SWEET!

JenJen said...

K. Question one:
I have seen you tag baby. oh yeah. Zip up your shit, yo!
Question two:
Banana shaped penii(see what I did there?)are hard to, uh, do without making a ghkaaaghk sound, which isn't like a monkey sound at all.

So there.

nonamedufus said...

I couldn't do the roller coasters. I had the oldest kids on the kiddie rides 'cause those were the ones I could stomach. Uh, those sheep? You guys have taken the petting zoo to the next level in NH.

Riff Dog said...

Unfortunately for my kids, it's mom and dad who have to be talked and shamed into going on these. How much longer until they can go on their own???

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

Oh Thank God, I was afraid you'd traumatized her for life. Good for her.

But is she ready for the 'fuck your own sheep' exhibit? I'm just askin'.

(sorry that was gross and in poor taste, but where else am I going to get to say that kind of stuff - not on my blog, that's for sure. I got Mormons and shit following me.)

moooooog35 said...

liliu: I know. I'm awesome.

Notsomuch.

Mars: Christ. How much do you weigh?

JenJen: Call me.

nonamedufus: Pull your skirt down a bit...your vagina is showing.

Riff: I believe 15 is the legal age in most...oh...wait...what rides are you talking about?

Nanny: Mormons follow you?

Creepy.

JenJen said...

*giggle*

867-5309

Staci at Just Bloggled said...

When I was in middle school, my younger sister cried like that on every single coaster we went on at Disney World. People turned around and gave us the evil eye, too. Like it's our fault she was all gung-ho to the bars came down. You couldn't leave her outside the ride by herself, even in the 80's. At least she didn't brag afterwards, at least not to us.

I like the loop ones better than the regular ones myself because the G-force or whatever it's called holds you in. I hate the ones where you feel like you're falling forward. I'll take upside down to those any day.

Jill Pilgrim said...

Dude, I LOVE Canobie Lake Park! I have never been on the Corkscrew. I did throw up on the Turkish Twist though.

moooooog35 said...

JenJen: I called it but Rick Springfield answered. WTF woman!

Staci: Wait...I'm not supposed to abandon my kids?

Shit.

Jill: Ugh...I think the Turkish Twist is lined with the stomach innards of us both.

Mine is the slightly bluish splat near the top.

Had a Slushie.

Gauche said...

hmm..

kids are kinda weird about things like that. I think the first roller coaster I got on I was six or seven. I was like your daughter, freaked out and stuff. meh, you get over it once you realize you're alive at the end of it all.

that's why you don't go to Knott's. Those coasters there will kill you. no seriously. they will....too many accidents there....

don't tell your kids this...okay?

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