Watching "Paranormal Activity" with Randy Jackson | Mental Poo

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Watching "Paranormal Activity" with Randy Jackson


Just some random thoughts as I sat through 'Paranormal Activity' last Friday night:

1) I liked this movie better the first time I saw it when it was called "The Blair Witch Project"

2) This chick in the movie kind of looks like my sister in law but heavier.

This doesn't mean much to you readers but if you knew my sister-in-law you'd all be like, 'whoa.'

True story.

3) The huge black guy in front of me just told the guy in front of him to stop jerking around in his seat.

He's used the word 'dawg' in this two second conversation at least four fucking times.

I had no idea anyone actually used that word in actual sentences outside of 'American Idol.'

4) I can't believe that Randy Jackson is apparently sitting right in front of me!

I'm gonna sing something...maybe some Whitney Houston.

Contestants always seem to do well when they sing that shit.


5) I SWEAR TO GOD if I ever, EVER wake up and my wife is standing over me like this broad is, I will dropkick her right in the throat.

Honey, love ya, but remember:

Creepily standing over me = goddamn crushed esophogus

6) Never sit near the back row of a theater.

Ever.

There is a group of four teens sitting behind me who haven't shut the fuck up for two minutes.

They're trying to whisper...but all I can her is their 's' sounds.

From what I can tell..they've been talking for an hour and a half about 'silly salty seashells sitting by the seashore so someone said Susan should suck short silicone saucers.'

7) If this movie theater weren't so packed, I'd be responsible right now for the murder of four people who all apparently have lisps.



8) You know..the movie is almost over and it kind of sucks.

I really thought it would be a lot scarier than OH MY FUCKING SHIT JESUS CHRIST WHAT THE FUCK I THINK I JUST SHIT MYSELF.

9) It's times like these I wish movie theater restrooms had wet wipes.

If only to clean the blood off my hands from those four fuckshits in the back row.

Moog out.

44 comments:

justjp said...

I once told a family of 8 they owed me money for being such loud assbags. Then, the father wanted to fight me about what I had said. Apparently, refering to his teen age daughter as the next "girls gone wild" cover girl and calling his wife a Tammy Faye look a like hooker, really struck a nerve... this is why I do not go out in public.

adrienzgirl said...

Dude, next time leave some bail money with the neighbors before you go so someone can come bail you out!

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

I think this could be the best review of the movie I've seen yet!

Mike said...

The whisper ssses make me want to kill. I feel your pain dawg, I feel your pain.

maya said...

Cracking up! very funny!

Travis said...

Is it that bad? I never saw the Blair Witch Project. I don't do scary movies. Ever. I watched one the other day that was apparently not good at all. I couldn't sleep for days. It led to camping in a 12 degree Outlander. Yeah.

JenJen said...

When I was a teen and in the back of the house at a movie, I was making out with some cute boy.

Not whispering with a lisp.

Kids these days!

Ed Adams said...

I have been the only creme filling in a chocolate covered theater. Moving around is prohibited, but talking back to the characters onscreen is highly encouraged. Dawg.

Becky..AMHW said...

I once spilled my soft drink in the theatre...the whole thing, all over the floor...it was an accident! In between the time the cleaning people came to take care of my mess and the movie starting, the screeching 6 year old kid that was running up and down the rows of seats had slipped in it and landed on his face.

We all laughed. It was funny.

Maxie said...

I told you not to see that stupid fucking movie.

Your fault.

Your fault.

The pale observer said...

I agree with JenJen - the back row is for being 16 and making out! Who's talking back there?? Lame asses.

Lily said...

So...we're recommending this movie?

Because if I spend $10 on a Moog-recommended movie and it doesn't deliver, I will hunt you down and butcher your family in front of you.

Happy Halloween!

Moooooog35 said...

Justjp: FYI - if you bitch about ANYTHING to management after a movie, they will give you passes.

I complain about kids in rated G movies and they STILL give me passes.

The more you know.

Adrienz: I figured Randy would just help a brother out.

Mjenks: Really? You need to read better reviews.

Mike: It was like the whole back row was filled with leaky tires.

Maya: Thank you. I planned it like that!

Travis: Dude...you might want to pull your skirt back down, your vagina is peeking out.

(I've used that TWICE today)

JenJen: yeah..when you were a 'teen'. Okay.

Ed: YOU LIVE WHERE THE THEATERS ARE MADE OF CANDY?!?!?

Becky: * writing this tidbit down for next time

Maxie: I know, I know. NOW.

Pale: I guess I need to start sitting in the back row, then.

Shit.

Lili: I'm not sure you would call that a recommendation unless you don't mind spending ten bucks and only liking the last 20 minutes.

HOWEVER..THAT SAID:

The LAST SCENE has one of the most blood curdling sounds I've ever heard in any movie EVER. I think about it and it still creeps me the fuck out.

But the rest of the movie sucked sphincter.

But it's your ten bucks. Do what you want.

carissajaded said...

Your experience in the theater is why I never go to the movies on weekend nights. Not that you did, but it just always makes it even that much worse.

And Im thinking I have to see this now just for the last scene. I keep hearing such mixed reviews, I gotta see for myself!

CatLadyLarew said...

I guess you answered all my questions about this movie, except for one... do you think it's appropriate for preschoolers?

Joshua said...

I'm with JenJen on this...except not with a guy.

This is also why I go to movies in the middle of the day in the middle of the week, especially during the school year. There's usually no one there and I can laugh as loud as I feel like it.

Yankee Girl said...

This is the first time I have been to your blog and you are so fucking funny!

I thought I was the only person in the world who didn't like the Blair Witch Project. I'm glad to know I am not alone.

And why are there so many stupid teenagers? The last time I was at a movie I heard all about Desiree and Jeremy's secret weekend away together. I don't even know who they are but the stupid bitches behind me couldn't shut up about it.

Me-Me King said...

It's hard to imagine that Randy Jackson was once a member of the band Journey. Huh, dawg?

Nice review, you just saved me 15 bucks!

Derek Bowles said...

Is your sister in law single?

It was a dumb movie. I agree.

Narm said...

I was going to go see this movie but fuckit - I can shit myself at home! And it is WAY easier to film it there.

2Narms1Cup.com

Don said...

Goddamn dawg! Chill! The movie suckths fo' shizzle dawg. Yo dawg, don't be ditthin' on my man Randy Jacksthon dawg. Ever tried to spell like someone who lisps talks? It's not fucking easy dawg.

Funnyrunner said...

hee hee! On my flight home from Europe a couple of weeks ago, this old, old woman had this paper bag that she handled CONSTANTLY. The whole fucking flight all I heard was the crinkling of this paper bag. She would put something in. She would take something out. She would fondle it lovingly. She was driving me apeshit.

Funnyrunner said...

hee hee! On my flight home from Europe a couple of weeks ago, this old, old woman had this paper bag that she handled CONSTANTLY. The whole fucking flight all I heard was the crinkling of this paper bag. She would put something in. She would take something out. She would fondle it lovingly. She was driving me apeshit.

Olly said...

I'm with Funnyrunner. Nothing drives me as crazy as the sound of crinkley candy wrappers and bags in a movie theater. Why can't they make packaging quiet?

bikramyogachick said...

You KNOW there's going to be teeny boppers in a movie like that. Just consider yourself lucky the s sounds were from talking....and not something else.

Fizzgig said...

you didnt miss much w/the kids talking. i secretly really want to see twilight, but i wont see it in theaters cus of all the kids. i think im going to have to steal it i mean, wait til its on DVD.

Bird Shit and Baby Caca said...

I will not go to the movie theater for that reason. I HATE when people talk! Well, that and I'm poor.....

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

Blair Witch freaked me out, but I prefer the old Jason and Freddie movies to the new high tech scary ones. I'll take a pass and go see Astro Boy.

Moooooog35 said...

Carissa: Honestly...if you skip the first hour and THEN show up, you might like it more.

CatLady: YES. ONLY for preschoolers.

You're welcome.

Joshua: You go during the middle of the day in the middle of the week?

How's that nighttime Wendy's gig going for ya?

Yankee: Actually..I really liked Blair Witch, so - yeah - you kinda are alone.

I'm sorry to break that to you at this point.

WELCOME TO THE BLOG!

Me-Me: Great...now I'll have 'Separate Ways' going through my head the rest of the day.

Can you say, 'awesome?'

Derek: No she's not. Ironically, her husband's name is 'Derek.'

Creepy.

Narm: The fact that I actually tried to go to that site disturbs me more than the end of the movie.

Don: Ebonics has been very good to you!

Funnyrunner: That's why God gave us opposable thumbs. So we can strangle these people.

Olly: Sorry...couldn't hear you over my big bag of pretzels.

Bikram: If it WAS from something else, at least I'd have something better to watch.

Fizzgig: Your secret about Twilight is out.

For shame. For SHAME.

Bird Shit: Yeah...they usually require that you BUY the tickets..so the lack of funds thing could be a deal breaker for you.

Lee: I think I'll be at Astro Boy this weekend with my kids.

I'll bring the cyanide if you bring the Kool Aid.

Joker_SATX said...

Did the Paranormal Marketing Machine pay you for this review? Is it a reverse psychology thing? The more it gets panned the more we want to see it?

The Joker is confused!

Coffeypot said...

Stand up, turn around with your hand in your pocket and say, “Yo, dawgs, if’en y’all don’t shut the fuck up there will be some spay and neutering going on rat ‘chere ratt now.” Then run like hell when they pull their guns.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Candy wrappers, seat narrators and well...people in general, are the reason I only go to the movies on like..Tuesday nights. Plus it's six bucks on weekdays.

I'm going to see Paranormal Activity next week and it better have some redeeming qualities after the hype.

As for the Blair Witch I liked it first time around - thought it eerie and creepy more than downright scary. However, I saw it again recently and thought it sucked balls. I spent the whole movie wishing to god the witch would kill the girl or else I'd have to. Most annoying person on film EVER.

JenJen said...

This is quite possibly the funniest string of comments I've read in a while, Moog.

Yes. When I was a TEEN.
Fine.
FINE.
I did it last week.
Fucking truth serum.

Jenny, the Bloggess said...

My husband kicks me in the throat all the time and says that's just what you do as a husband. Now I feel betrayed.

Moooooog35 said...

Joker: I just throw the lisp and Randy Jackson references the fuck out there.

Do with them what you will.

Coffee: I read your comment but it comes out like an ebonics class taught by a redneck.

Veggie: You're right about that stupid bitch. But if you think SHE'S annoying, wait til you meet the guy in this one.

JenJen: Nice job trying to pull one over on the one who's usually pulling over on one of the pulls that..um..pulled..a..

*cricket

Jenny The Bloggess: Holy. Shit.

(trumpets sound)

You should stop feeling betrayed and just go make him a sandwich.

Throat kicking is what husbands do best.

Kind of like Tiggers but instead of bouncing and shit we physically abuse tender parts of the anatomy.

The song isn't nearly quite as catchy, as you can imagine.

The more you know.

kys said...

I need to be famous so places will not allow the general public in while I'm there.

Malach the Merciless said...

My wife hated it

Tater Tot Mom said...

And Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii will always love you!

That's my best Whitney Houston dawg, did I make it dawg and I in dawg?

I've been mooged! That sounds dirty and I like it. You couldn't make me stop following now! Glad I found your blog!

Olly said...

Yeah, Blair Witch movie... After all the hype, I went to see it with a few friends. Jeez, talk about low budget. A forest, a few friends, a few hits of acid and a flashlight. We all agreed we could have made this movie in our senior year of high school.

Bonehead said...

I once thought it would be a good idea to call my wife "Dawg" - She turned around and slapped me in the mouth with a shoe. Now I have a permanent lisp and a distasteful fear of Randy Jackson.

Moooooog35 said...

kys: Nope..I'm famous and they still let them in.

I'm not sure I'm the best example to use here, though.

Malach: I wouldn't go so far as to say my wife HATED it, but I know she didn't like it much and does not want to see it again. Unlike the Blair Witch Project which we've seen 75 times.

Tater Tot: FYI: Moog + spooge = mooge. That phrase was established here a while ago.

So, yeah...it's a little dirty.

Olly: Hindsight sucks, doesn't it?

Bonehead: That's one of the reasons I only allow my wife to walk around barefoot.

Gauche said...

you freaked out at the end too, huh? yup. i peed myself just a little bit....

Knucklehead said...

Not really planning to see Paranormal Activity, but now I just might . . . nah, not really.

I can't stand rude jackasses in movie theaters. I think we should be allowed to stab them, no?

OGLADI said...

Too funny! Cracking me up!

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