The Grand Whiffer | Mental Poo

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

The Grand Whiffer


..and that's how grandma got a sunburn.

Let me explain...

You see...

I’m a pretty gassy guy.

I’m not sure why...

...as it’s not like all I eat is beans and squirt cheese.

(Great...now I want beans and squirt cheese)

But really...

...most days I'm surprised that I just don't up and fucking float away.


Maybe all guys are like this, I’m not sure...

...but if I lived in the Renaissance period, my official title would be “Sir Tootsalot.

Now, I’ve known my wife for just about 20 years...

...and I think she’s farted in front of me MAYBE once – completely by accident.


As such, if I need to cut one it usually has to be in a separate room (per her strict instructions)...

...or I have to try to get away with it somehow.


For example:

The In-Bed Stealth Method:

My "in-bed stealth method" involves me quietly reaching back and stretching my butt cheeks ridiculously far apart...

...so as to make a perfect “O” with my cornhole...

...thus eliminating the possibility for any sound to escape by scratching the sidewalls as it exits.

(I learned how to do this watching porn)


If she hears me crack one outside, though, I’m always instructed to “shake out my pants” before I get in the car.


The "shaking of the pants" procedure ...

(which involves me smacking myself on the ass in public)


...is intended to release any previously trapped gases that may be lingering in my jeans...

...thus escaping into the vehicle when I sit down…

violently killing all inside.


We had just left the restaurant with my family and I had a good internal bubble going.

This, for me, is typical.

I usually take the opportunity of the loud clamoring of the car doors opening/closing, etc., etc., to make my gas expulsion blend in with the surrounding sounds.

Timing it precisely here eliminates me from admonishment...

...and the subsequent “shaking of the pants” act in the middle of a fucking parking lot.


I waited until the decibel level in the area was high enough...

...then let ‘er rip.

*ZZRRRRPPPPPFFFFPPTTHTHHHHHH*

Ahhhhhh.

If I had done this in an enclosed area, I can tell you that it would have been a bad one...

...because it came out HOT.

You know you've got a killer on your hands when it feels like you've farted the breath of the Devil himself.

(yes, now you know what Rachael Ray's breath is like)


Just for safety's sake, I rapped my butt one time with my hand to release the rest of the demons into the atmosphere before hopping into the car.

It was like an exorcism involving Levi's.

No one was the wiser.

(except for the pigeons I saw plummeting from the sky)

Regardless...

I stepped inside the car, closed the door and started putting on my seatbelt.

As I turned to grab the belt...

I saw her.

There...next to our car...I saw...

A little old lady sitting in the passenger seat of the car next to me.

* cricket

She was staring at me.

Her window was cracked a bit.

Oh.


Apparently, in my hurry to time everything just right, I neglected to see if there were any people in the general vicinity.

As such, I apparently aimed and shot that fucker right at her with full hurricane force.

My guess is that she was probably enveloped in my vaporized poo-cloud as we stared each other down…

...choking on it.

Yes, folks...

...she was dying.


I could see it in her sad little eyes:

Granny (pressing her hand to the window): “…why…?”

Me (pressing my hand to her window from the other side): "I'm so...sorry..."

*thump*

Dead.

My. God.

Me (getting into car): "Okay...Who wants ice cream?!"


Meanwhile...The Coroner's Report:

Cause of Death: Asphyxiation from a toxic gas made of nachos, garlic mashed potatoes and beer.

I'm sure she's probably not my first victim...

...and she certainly won't be my last.

Just ask the pigeons.

44 comments:

Buzzardbilly said...

LMAO! Shatner and Nimoy hilarious! That Sarah Michelle Gellar (now changed to Prinze after five years of marriage) pic is priceless, but just WTF was she doing when that pic was taken? And you even showed the best Ben Franklin book ever. Primo.

If you want to see a poo story, scroll down on mine to yesterdays "Worst Thanksgiving Ever," it also involves an old lady.

Bloggin' Bama Girl said...

OMG I LOVE fart humor! I'm dying!!! That's the funniest shit I've read in a while!!

adrienzgirl said...

Moog you know I love you, but that is just nasty!

Buy some fucking Beano dude!

Ed Adams said...

It could have been worse.

She could have had the window down.

And you could have been naked.

And you could have been Rosie O'Donnell.

Either way, her time here was limited.

Becky..AMHW said...

I farted once. LOOKY!

And not all on accident either. I could have been arrested for assault.

My husband and I blow our colons in front of each other regularly. Then we laugh. You can take us out of the trailer park...

Matt said...

your indian name could be Ass blow like Horn.

you're out of your vulcan mind!!

sorry. I always wanted to type that last comment. I felt like this was the place to type it.

Stacie's Madness said...

omg, I am crying from your fart gases.

bikramyogachick said...

The breath of the devil himself. Damn you are good! That was hilarious. Thanks for the morning laugh!

Noelle said...

shit. i cannot read your blog anymore. my three year old keeps wanting to know why i'm looking at my computer and laughing. i can't share this one...there is just no way to censor it.

Vodka Logic said...

I think it might be men.. at least as far as the public bit goes.. Funny post

Moooooog35 said...

Buzzardbilly: What was Sarah Michelle Gellar doing when that picture was taken?

WHO. CARES.

?!?!?

Bloggin' Bama: Well..you've come to the right place.

Adrienz: A man who hates pooping, isn't really a man at all.

Ed: I could have been Rosie O'Donnell?!

I don't care who you are, you never, EVER, pass up the chance to be a lesbian.

Well..maybe that ONE time.

Becky: You sound hot.

Matt: NICE. Or, 'Thunder Cheeks.' I like Thunder Cheeks.

Stacie: So was that old woman.

Bikram: See? Martha Stewart was right all along about Rachael Ray.

Who knew?

Noelle: You could say 'toots' and 'stinky' and..yeah..you're probably right.

Vodka: Riiiiight. Like ladie's night out isn't all 'who can rip the loudest one.'

Ugh. I just ruined my visual of pillow fights.

backspace backspace backspace

Funnyrunner said...

Oh my God. One of the funniest things I have ever, EVAH read in my ENTIRE LIFE (even before I could read). I have tears streaming down my face and my dog, who is the only other being home with me, is wondering what the hell I'm laughing hysterically about.

I SO want to send this link to SO many people.

holy shit. thanks for the laugh. Now I need to go get a box of Kleenex to clean up all of the tears still streaming down my face. god that was funny.

Lauren said...

...can't stop laughing...hahaha

carissajaded said...

*dry heave

**some more.

I literally almost just vommed all over my computer...

Brutalism said...

Boys are gross. And I do mean that in the most appreciative way.

meleah rebeccah said...

I am HYSTERICAL laughing over this. Hysterical. I am CRACKING UP imagining that poor old lady! And I am DYING over your descriptions. Seriously? This might be the funniest story you have ever written.


[PS: Your wife's fart RULES are the best, and when I move in with my boyfriend? He will have to abide by the same farting rules!]

Unfinished Rambler said...

Fart humor is gold, as you just proved...

...brother-in-law doesn't fart in front of his wife.

Me? Well, my wife gave me a card for our anniversary that read: "Happy anniversary to someone with a really cute butt!" A woman is telling a man on the front of the card. Open it up...second panel, a puff of gas from his butt. Third panel: "Well...
except when it 'talks.'" And my wife added "...in bed..."

Travis said...

My wife and I have known each other for 10 years now. She's NEVER farted in front of me.

I also use the "O" method for farting in bed, and I'm so glad someone else does.

Mike said...

Dood! I know when you fart. The prevailing winds take it in my direction about 8 hours after you let 'er rip.

If I have company I just blame it on the dog.

Moooooog35 said...

Funny: I completely give you permission to make this viral.

You're welcome.

I mean, thank you.

Lauren: Great..now I have to go to a Narcissists Anonymous meeting tonight. I hope you're happy.

I am, because I'm king!

Maybe I should go to two.

Carissa: What? It's just a toot.

Brutalism: We ARE gross and we like it that way. Except the gay ones, they're pretty uptight about that.

Meleah: You might want to warn him ahead of time because after many years of this, it gets tiring.

Unfinished: Someday, you will tell that story to your grandchildren.

Who will then flee the house.

Travis: We're like peas in a pod. Peas in a pod who distort their bungholes.

"Pea Pod Bunghole Distorters" would be a great name for a rock band.

Don said...

Squirt cheese? ...and you ask who the hell eats pickled okra? Christ! Fucking squirt cheese. I get gassed up just thinking about it. Gonna go shoot down some pigeons and fart in Rachel Ray's mouth now. Excuse please.

Coffeypot said...

My wife uses bungee cords to hold the covers around our necks so that when I fart I don't blow them up into the ceiling fan and thus drag the ceiling down on top of us. But they are fun, too, the cords that is, because she can’t get out real fast when I push her head under the covers. After she passes out, I can finally have sex. She calls my ass WMD.

Olly said...

It's getting to the point where I can read your blog until I have the office to myself. I've even had to let a few calls go to voice mail cause I couldn't stop laughing. Have you ever tried stand up? I think it may be your calling!

kate said...

There is NOTHING wrong with requiring the pants shake. I learned this the hard way when I first started dating my (now) husband...smelly bastard.

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

I am crying, I am laughing so hard..that's how mature I am. Hubby won't fart in front of me, but I have no issues in front of him. And, I have killed many mosquitoes, which by the way, a good smelly is better than off.

Linnnn said...

There is nothing funnier than a fart. Say no more.

Roger the Shrubber said...

I was wondering why you always smelled like shit. Now I know why.

Moooooog35 said...

Don: No, seriously.

Who the Hell eats pickled okra?

Coffee: ..and years from now the neighbors will all say in their interviews that you were a quiet, nice guy.

Olly: I'd try stand up, but I fear that the people wouldn't see me behind the stage lights.

Kate: WTF. YOU MAKE HIM DO IT, TOO?!?

You women are WRONG.

Lee: ..and that's why your sphincter is named Princess Citronella.

Linnn: Oh, man..don't even get me started on explosive diarrhea.

Roger: It was a by-product of my environment. Funny, when we stopped working together, my smell went away.

Huh.

Joshua said...

And now my head hurts worse than it did before. From laughing so hard. Seriously, you are gifted. Every damn time I laugh until I cry. Sometimes that's a good thing. Sometimes it's not. Have at it, Moog.

-Joshua

Jen said...

I blogged about flatulence too today, though not as well as you have here. Could there even be any question of that? I don't think so. You rock at telling fart/poo stories, even if it involves the death of an old lady.

JenJen said...

This is the funniest thing you've written I think.
I am laughing so hard there's tears.

Or...is that the garlic smashed?

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

Funny! But stay away from me!

nonamedufus said...

I can't imagine why but when I reached the end of this post I found I'd been holding my breath...and it wasn't in suspense either. Phew, Moooooog.

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

You, my good man, have somehow managed to bring farting into the literary realm. Hilarious!

Moooooog35 said...

Joshua: You might want to lay off the Oxycondone for a bit. Might help with the head fuzzies.

I'm in the know.

Jen: Thank you. It's a skill.

A useless, useless skill.

JenJen: You know..I wasn't even going to publish it because I didn't think it was funny.

You people are weird.

MikeWJ: Mike...we all float down here.

noname: Just think how my family feels.

Queasy, actually.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I didn't even realize how hard I was laughing until I'd finished the post. Wow. I'm doing the dramatic slow clap building momentum into thunderous applause for you, only with farts instead of claps. It starts with a "pew." and culminates in a cacophony of "BURRRRRIPPPPZZZZ!"

The old lady at the window fucking killed me.

Moooooog35 said...

Nanny: Sorry..you slipped under the comment radar.

Actually, I think it was the woman who wrote 'Flowers in the Attic' who did that. That book stunk.

Steam Me Up: Thank you! Now..if we could only get 'the wave' started...

mepsipax said...

Dear god that was the funniest shit ever. I laughed so hard I sharted. I thought I was the only one with farts so stinky they burned. You know when it burns it will reek. Also, I hate it when you gotta fart bad and have to hold it in and get swamp ass (defined in my blog).

Dead Hand Mai said...

OMG. That made me laugh so hard, I cried.

Daffy said...

SOunds like your farts are on par with my dogs....well were...we put him to sleep awhile back.

You may want to sleep with one eye open...

Better yet, maybe you shouldn't sleep at all

Mr. Knucklehead said...

Hmm. Perhaps you could work your ninja-like gastrointestinal skills into your next karate tournament.

Brown belt, indeed.

Kate said...

Wow, I guess I just don't fart like other guys.

I also only defecate maybe every other day, maybe I am too efficient and processing everything.

Moooooog35 said...

Mepsipax: "Swamp Ass," I believe, was defined by Oprah Winfrey when she tried to run that marathon.

True story.

Mai: Great..new tagline...

Moooooog35: Making women cry since 1968.

Daffy: You put him to sleep?

On a related note, 'Youth in Asia Euthanasia' would be a great name for a rock band.

Knucklehead: Brown belt with yellow stripe.

Um. Ew.

Kate: Who's talking about shitting here? You women and your poop stories...crazy. Crazy. Can't wait to tell the world about how you poo.

Which you don't do.

That's why there are poo fairies.

Shelley said...

Hello!
I stumbled across your blog and specifically the Grand Whiffer post this week. I laughed my ass off. I would like to feature it on my Fabulous Friday post today on my blog. Hope that is ok with you. It is too good NOT to share. Who doesn’t love a good fart story?

Thanks,
Sassy Shelley
http://assburgersfordinner.blogspot.com/

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