I Kicked Jesus' ASS - Part One | Mental Poo

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

I Kicked Jesus' ASS - Part One

Alternate title for this post:

Suck it, Jesus!

But that might be pushing my luck.

Let me explain.

My son and I both entered a karate tournament over the weekend.

***** Sidebar *****

I'm 41 years old and just competed in a karate tournament.

Really fucking cool...or very, very sad?


Don't tell me your decision unless it's 'really cool and sexy' (women only).

***** End Sidebar *****

My son entered three categories: forms, self-defense, and sparring.

He did not place in 'forms' (note to myself here to berate him about this until he cries), but got second place in 'self-defense'...

...and FIRST FUCKING PLACE in 'sparring.' (fighting)

He placed first in his previous tournament in sparring, too.

My 6 year old is a WARRIOR.

A warrior who plays with Legos.



That's better.

Much more fierce.

Got to do something about not placing in that other event, though.

I didn't raise him to be a loser.

But he is a master of fighting.

He fought FOUR TIMES and won every match.

I was so proud.


...after winning the fourth match, he turned to the crowd...

...raised his hands up in victory...

...and yelled:


* cricket



And modest, too.

That wasn't too embarrassing.

Thanks, Cam.

I enrolled in the same three categories, but for the 'over 35' age group which is all BYOW.*

* Bring Your Own Walker

I placed first in self-defense and second in forms.

That's, right.

I'm awesome and then second-to-awesome.

Those average out to 'pretty fucking awesome.'


I see where Cam gets his modesty.

I've digressed.

But then came sparring.

I was going against a guy that I go to class with, and two other guys - both higher belts - from different schools.

With my protective gear on and my mouthpiece in (shout out here to 'Madame Punishment'), I stepped into the ring..

..and beat the first guy 3-to-2.

That's right.

Man went DOWN.



I think I've gone a little too far with that phrase.

But I won my first fight.

I told you folks and you didn't believe me:

Five feet of fury, baby.

Five feet of fury.

After I won my first match, it was my friend, Brian's turn.

And he fought Jesus.

True story.


Stay tuned for Part Two where I have to fight God's only son.

That he knows of.

Totally going to Hell.



nothingprofound said...

One of my good friends is 62 and he still competes. Sparring is his specialty. He's a high ranking black belt, but his medieval hips and knees do slow him down.

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

What has two thumbs and smells of awesome doesn't sound right to me. Shouldn't it be, What has two thumbs and smells like shit?

Anyway, I can't wait to find out who won the fight: the Midget Man or the Messiah. No offense, but if I had to bet, I'd pick the Messiah because he's the hometown favorite. Also, he was pretty good at kicking losers out of the temple, so I'm guessing he might be good at kicking the shit out of his sparring partners -- especially if he suckers them in with that "turn the other cheek" crap. Ali did something similar with the "rope-a-dope" maneuver and extended his career for years.

Coffeypot said...

Way to go. I saw all your pics on FB and they are great. But be careful when you have to spank the Cam. You may find yourself on your ass, too.

I wouldn't worry about Jesus, he was actually Presbyterian.

rachaelgking said...

Poor Jesus. Between you and Kathy Griffin, everyone's telling him to suck it. I think he likes the abuse.

adrienzgirl said...

My son Kooper did the whole embarrass the shit outta us at his first Karate competition too. He won his sparring event, against higher belts, and he did the whole fist pump at waist height, while strutting and yelling "Yeah baby!"
Dad was so PROUD. I was so NOT!

Toe said...

There's no shame in rubbing it in. Losing is for losers your kid's just letting them know where they all stand. Be proud you raised a bully.

Lee said...

Like son like father...that's what I always say.

Ducky said...

what is it with you an mexicans?

Yankee Girl said...

That's awesome. Your kid should be proud of his ass-kicking capabilities.

Ed said...


Now, go buy one of those "My kid can whip your honor student's ASS!" bumper stickers.

And remember, second place is first loser. So, at least you still finished first in that catagory.

I'm assuming there were just two people competing. If it was just you, and you got second place, that's not so good.

Matty said...

The karate kid's got nothing on you.
Congratulations to both of you.

Vodka Logic said...

Congrats to both of you. My daughter won sparring in her one and only karate tourney.. funny thing she didn't realize she was winning. Just kept going back to spar when told too.. gentle girl she is

Anonymous said...

Re: the Jesus t-shirt. I wager that Jesus already SAW the porn if he's coming.


Did I go too far?

Moooooog35 said...

Nothingprofound: I hope to be dead by 62. I'm guessing it will be at the hands of ninjas.

MikeWJ: Rope a dope?

You were roped?

Coffeepot: Thanks. I DO look quite stellar on Facebook.

Me-Me: I have no idea what it would feel like to be 6 feet tall.

I'm guessing I'd be dizzy from the height.

LiLu: Why don't we agree to make that the LAST time you ever mention me and Kathy Griffin in the same sentence.

Adrienz: I mean, sure, I did it too...but then I was only embarrassing my wife. No biggie.

Toe: I love rubbing it in.

Wait. What are we talking about?

Lee: I know..weird. Because I still haven't figured out who that is yet.

Daffy: Que?

Yankee: He totally is. I'm in the process of building a statue in his honor.

Ed: Oh. Second place out of one is bad?

Forget I said anything.


Matty: Actually, he got Elisabeth Shue.




Veggie: Go to far? HERE?

Is this your first visit? Jeez.

Chris said...

You do realize that, given your five feet of fury thing, your own kid will be able to whip your ass before he hits high school, right?

Malach the Merciless said...

Karate sucks, come my Jui Jitsu school . . .

Sorry it madatory I say that with my contract with that school. Plus I am 6'2". Wouldn't that be a sight?

Tracie said...


My kids say they are doing karate but really they're trying to kick the shit out of each other. Literally.

Phillipia said...

Congrats to both of you! I had some other things I wanted to say...but everyone above beat me to them. I am such a loser.

Tami G said...

OMG hilarious and effing AWESOME!!
You rock and you most definitely MUST be 5 ft of fury!!!!

Rock on with yo bad self!!!!

Tami G

Sorcerer said...

awesome post!!
you rwak dude!!

Moooooog35 said...

Knucklehead: Exactly. That's why I beat him while I still can.

The more you know.

Malach: I don't think I can come to that school, I'm not Jewish.

Jew. Jitsu.


Sorry. Even I have to admit that sucked.

Kys: Kids are so cute when they try to commit murder.

Phillipia: It's okay. Don't be so down on yourself. It's nothing that most of us didn't know already. ;)

Tami G: Thank you. I have signed pictures available from my store.

Feel free to buy a mug while you're there.

No one buys my mugs.

Sorcerer: You rwak too!

What's a rwak?

Brndoutw8ress said...

I will be waiting with baited breath for the follow up fight between you and Jesus, hope you gave him an uppercut, but be careful of the thorns in his side!

Bird Shit said...

Strike First, Strike Hard, Show No Mercy...I totally made that up...yup...all me...

Ed & Jeanne said...

I'm glad to hear you're so good at forms...I'll fax over a bunch that I have that need filling out...

ps - Congrats to both of you....


jesus is one of my followers and he thinks this is super funny

so no worries

JenJen said...

I stopped reading at the part where you say your balls look like matthew perry.


I couldn't read anymore because MY EYES WERE BLEEDING!

Kellie said...

Small stature, big balls. That should be your motto.

mepsipax said...

My kid get's his modesty from me as well. We come from a long line of modest people.
I enjoy sparring immensely, btw.

KCSherri said...

Hey - I am a 47-year old woman - wait, make that "sexy" woman - and I was in my first tournament a few months ago...

Got 3rd in forms, 3rd in sparring, and 2nd in weapons.

I kicked ass, suckers!!!

(Okay, there were only 3 ladies in my age group. I didn't have to tell you that, but I did. So suck it, tho - at least I was out there competing!!!! In all of my sexiness!!!!)

Sexy Sherri

Jill Pilgrim said...

Um, sexy. Not as sexy as Jesus though.

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