I Kicked Jesus' ASS - Part Two | Mental Poo

Thursday, November 19, 2009

I Kicked Jesus' ASS - Part Two



This is 'Part Two' of my karate tournament recap.

For Part One, click here.

When we last left our hero (me - hellooooo? my blog), we were in this situation:

I had just finished my first bout of sparring by defeating a 7'4", 350 lb. gargantuan with all-gold teeth, nicknamed 'The Spine Shredder.'

Some of the above may not be completely accurate.

Regardless, I won my first fight.

With my first win under my belt, it was time for someone else to fight.


Brian is another one of the other 'Super Awesome Karate Dads' (oooh...great name for a rock band) from my school.

Fully stoked, Brian immediately went up and wasted absolutely no time in getting his ass completely fucking handed to him 3-to-0 by this really tough looking Latino guy.

The Latino guy's name?


That's right.

We were fighting Jesus.

Jesus was from a school named 'Dragon Fury' (you can't make this shit up) which is basically the Southern New Hampshire version of Cobra Kai.

They take their shit SERIOUSLY.

So Brian goes up against Jesus and Jesus - in true 'I AM YOUR ONE TRUE GOD' fashion - attacks him with flying spinning kicks and roundhouse shit and it's just one fucking giant blur of Jesus parts slamming into Brian's face and random body parts.




Me: "Jesus Christ."

Jesus: "What?"

So that leaves two winners (me and Jesus) to go head-to-head for first place.

Tale of the tape:

Height: 5'-2"
Weight: 155 lbs.
Specialty: High, fast kicks. High pitched girly screams can shatter glass.

Height: 5'-8"
Weight: 170 lbs.
Specialty: Makes wine out of water, raises the dead, wicked spinning roundhouse kicks.


The master calls us up:

Master (pointing to where I'm supposed to go): "Rodney."

As I'm walking up, he calls:

Master: "Jesus."

All I can think of, walking into the ring, is:

"How the fuck am I supposed to beat Jesus?"

Granted, it was pronounced 'Hey, Zeus'...

(Jesus...Zeus...HOLY FUCK...is this guy TWO deities in one?!?)

...but this is how my mind works even in the face of impending death.

Regardless, we somehow managed to get the score tied at 2 points apiece, with one more point deciding the winner for first place.

No pressure.

The Master yells "GO" and I try to fake Jesus out - similar to what, I guess, Judas did but without wearing protective headgear - and he comes at me with a kick and then ANOTHER spinning kick.

If I don't get hit with these Jesus kicks it's gonna be a miracle.


There's a bit of irony for ya.

Regardless, as his Jesus feet are flailing towards me, I back out of the way...

...and as he lands...

I kick him in the stomach.


* cricket



I win.


I beat Jesus!

Fuck. YEAH.

Unfortunately, this did not sit well with Jesus who stood across the building from me for the rest of the day staring me down with his entourage (apostles?) and shaking his head in disgust.

Wife: "I think Jesus is totally going to kick your ass later."

Wouldn't be the first time.

What was weird is that, as I write this, I am totally sick with congestion and fevers and chills and shit.

This came on IMMEDIATELY after my fight with Jesus.

I swear to God that's true.

The Lord works in mysterious ways, apparently.

But screw him.

I got the bigger trophy.



I've never - EVER - posted a modern day picture of me.


But I'm so proud of what my son and I were able to do (i.e., 'clean fucking HOUSE'), that I've decided to share that with you.

Please bear in mind that I'm sweaty from sparring and have somehow managed a type of 'superman' jeri-curl thingy on my forehead...because I'm usually way hotter than this.

Oh, yeah...I'm the one on the left.

For more pictures of the tournament, and the hotness that is me, check out my Facebook page - which is accessible via the 'Touch Me' link above, or click here.

Moog out.


Joshua said...

So, if you beat Jesus, does that make you the Antichrist?


Brutalism said...

Note to self: Buy WWMD bracelet.

Travis said...


I'd rather fight Jesus than Zeus. That's real.

Jesus has that wicked cool forgiveness thing going for him. You apparently experienced that in the form of a mis-placed Chun Li tornado Christ kick.

By the way, it must be totally comforting to know that if you took Jesus, you'll totally be able to handle the devil.

Gone, long gone. said...

Whooooo! Grats man!

Roger the Shrubber said...

Nice work Moog!

Does Jesus have a green card?

Mike said...

You jesus and his gang of thugs are totally going to drive by prayer you later.

Griffin said...

I would have preferred to take on Zeus, because how cool would it be to have your ass handed to you buy a GOD who throws LIGHTNING...it wouldn't be cool, it would be AWESOME!

Frank Lee MeiDere said...

Great! You nailed Him! Hung him out to dry! You put that sucker in the ground, dawg!

On the other hand, three days from now I'd be watching my back if I were you.


Donnie said...

Great story! Man, looks like you two wiped 'em out dude! Congratulations you ass kickin' mutha! Just think when you get older and limbs have to be amputated because you got some kind of crotch rot from scummy Suzie you can get your feet gold plated. Super.

Mars said...

That's really cool, my little girl is going to her first tournament in February. It's all very exciting!

The Absent Minded Housewife said...

Deja vu all over again?

I once got an instant message from Jesus. He asked if I had any naked photos.

I'm taller than you...and Jesus. This is awesome.

Lee said...

Are you going to hell because you beat Jesus?? Are in you in hell because you are sick?? Great pic!

Moooooog35 said...

Joshua: Yes. Yes it does.

You are SO screwed.

Brutalism: OMG I'm totally selling that.

Travis: Chun Li Tornado Christ Kicks - ANOTHER great name for a rock band!

Maelstrom: Thanks. NOW BACK OFF!

* threatening karate pose

Roger: Ooh...that would have been awesome if INS had shown up just before the last fight.

Mike: Great..gunned down in a hail of hallelujahs.

Griffin2002: Good point. Maybe I'll ask for a rematch but then maybe not because I'm a pussy.

Frank: Watching my back? Don't you mean 'looking up?'

Don: Dude. Serious issues.

Daffy: I usually go for the knees. But thanks for the tip.

Mars: You better hope she's not going against my son because we preach 'no mercy' unless we're paid in advance.

Becky: You wouldn't get so many of those messages if you would stop writing your number on mens' room walls.

I can also do my part, if you want.

Lee: Hell is coming to me for so many other reasons...this is just icing, really.

Matt said...


rachaelgking said...

WWMD merchandise... YES!!!!!!!!


Unknown said...

I am reminded of the Big Lebowski and Jesus the bowler. Did he have a lot of chest hair?

bikramyogachick said...

An IRL pic, yay! **examines picture** Your son is adorable, and wow, you really are short! Oh wait, you are on your knees....
Congrats on the win! Awesome story!


why did you go and do that?

now i feel like you are all human and stuff with sweaty hair and a cute kid

Me-Me King said...

Speaking of tale of the tape, this has to have been video taped. I'm soooo searching YouTube.


Moooooog35 said...

Matt: Jesus should have swept my leg.


THEN will you buy something? Meengya...it's like pulling teeth with you people.

JenJen: Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.

Wym: I don't know about his chest hair. I CAN tell you that he had some on da feet.

Da feet.

Get it?

Jessica: That would be a typical Thursday night for me. Long story, different time.

bikram: Um..yeah..on my knees. Exactly.


Speaking: That's right...we walk amongst you...

Me-Me: It IS on video...although I'm on the fence about putting it up or not.

Groupies, you know.

Waltsense.com said...

Sweet article and congrats!

Bumpersticker: My Son and I kicked Jesus ass!

Narm said...

Nice of them to put life-sized golden statues of you on those trophies.

(For the record - I am only being mean because your Patriots handed it to my Phins. Be gentle, Ronnie Brown is out for the year.)

Gone, long gone. said...

Back off? No wai! I need some lessons!

Tracie said...

That Boxing Jesus is kinda hawt.


Moooooog35 said...

Waltsense: Jesus. You people are really stepping up with the product lines today.


Narm: Looks like you're going to be mean to people for the next 7 weeks.

I can live with that.


Except, you know, on 4th and 2. Then PLEASE DON'T GO.

Steam Me Up: Lady..gotta tell ya...

Best. Ass Exam. Post. Ever. Today.

Even better than mine.

I'm jealous.

Of the post. Not the finger in the ass.

People..go read STEAM right now!

Maelstrom: Fine.

$76,000 an hour. 100-hour minimum.


Kys: I can't agree with you because homosexuality is a sin and..


..you're right. I'd be gay for that guy. SMOKIN'.

Unknown said...

What a cute pic of you & your kiddo!

Jay Ferris said...

The only thing that could have made this story more awesome would have been if you had sealed the deal with a crane kick. Nonetheless, congrats M!

Moooooog35 said...

Erin: I can send you a signed glossy.

It doesn't start out glossy..but whatever.

Jay Ferris: I think I totally would have been pushing my luck with that move.

You're right. STOOOPID!!

Hindsight = sucks.

Deb said...

Jesus looks like 'fighting Jesus'? I'm finding those rosary beads I threw out when I was 9 and heading back to church. I'll light a candle for you. Might even say a Hail Mary, too.

Malach the Merciless said...

Hey your son's taller than you!

Gone, long gone. said...

ehhhh... how about I just "painta fence" and "waxa floor"?

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

Wow! Congrats, man.

So if you beat the crap out of the Son of God, does this mean both of your parents have to duke it now?

Moooooog35 said...


Malach: I'm kneeling.

Honestly, though..you're not that far off.

Maelstrom: Catch a fly with chopsticks and maybe we'll talk.

Nanny Goats: My parents have been duking it out for YEARS.

Bird Shit said...

Is it wrong that I think Jesus looks sexy in the first picture?

House said...

Your name is Rodney?! This just gets better and better.

Moooooog35 said...

Bird Shit: I think it's MORE wrong that I think the same thing.

Ed: Hey..if you're not here for blasphemy, then why be here at all, right?

House: So says the guy named, 'house.'

Tell your sister, 'Condo,' I said hi.

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

Congratulations on kicking Jesus' ass! (Uhmm, Father, forgive me, I don't know what I'm doing.) That's totally awesome. Sorry about the plague, though. Jesus hates losing. See you in.....heaven? Hell? Hard to say. See you where ever!

Kelly said...

Wow, you're a good looking guy! You look nothing like the smart ass little prick I've picturing all this time. Thanks for sharing the pic.

June said...

Way to kick some ass and share it with your son. Very cool.

Moooooog35 said...

MikeWJ: Dude. I've tried the 'I know not what I do' thing plenty of times.

Might want to try something else. Totally doesn't fly.

Kelly: Thank you. However, that's exactly what smart ass little pricks look like.

We're hot.

Carol: It was really really cool.

But sharing? Hey..every man for himself.

That's why I pulled the "HA HA" when he came in SECOND and pointed at him.

Teaches kids humility.

And the fact that his father is a total jackass.

Needs to learn that some time.

Allie said...

Holy Jesus diarrhea!

How have I not found this blog before?

Personally, I'm a big fan of anything involving Jesus fighting anything else. Jesus automatically makes things 116% funnier. I know that because I'm an expert on everything.

Being an expert on everything, I'd give you 4:11 odds in this fight. You may be outmatched, but there is something about you that screams "I'm totally capable of raping Jesus in the skull if that's what needs to happen" and that is a powerful trait in a fighter.



Chris said...

I was right, your kid IS taller than you.

Congrats, though, that's some accomplishment.

How you missed using the line "I considered using a right cross" is beyond me, though.

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