Sex with Pastry and Blind Education - Moogism Volume 1 | Mental Poo

Monday, November 16, 2009

Sex with Pastry and Blind Education - Moogism Volume 1

Today I unveil a new segment based on LiLu's popular and always funny:

'Shiz my Boyfriend Says'theme.

Since I don't have a boyfriend...

(As such, my sphincter is nearly flawless! Yay for heterosexual me!)

...I'm doing this about my own quotes.

I love myself.

You can, too, for $85 an hour.

I accept PayPal.

Where was I?

Oh..yes...shit I say.

"Moogisms," if you will.

(trademark pending)

Today's Moogism Episode:

Sex with Pastry and Blind Education

Blind Education

My 6 year old son was getting ready for karate the other night.

As we were leaving, I noticed he had a new water 'sport bottle.'

On it was a logo for 'Spindel Eye Associates.'

Because, you know, nothing screams 'I'M SPORTY!' like the optometry profession.

Me: "Cam...where did you get that water bottle?"

Cam: "We had to take an eye test at school today."

Me: "No kidding. How did you do?"

Cam: "I passed. I didn't miss a single letter!"

Me: "Phew. That's good. Because you know, if you fail an eye test, they won't let you into college."

* blink

Cam: "Really?"

Me: "No. Not Really."

Sex with Pastry

My wife is an excellent baker.

She still remains the only woman I know who can burn water, but she can bake the shit out of cookies and cakes.

So the other day, I walked into work with a big plate of  iced pumpkin cookies she made.

My friend, Kristin, who I share a cube with, tried one.

Kristin: "Oh my God..these are good."

Me: "I know. Her baking season has started and she's off to a good start."

Kristin: "What else is she making?"

Me: "Next up is 'pumpkin roll.'

I. Heart. Pumpkin roll.

Kristin: "Pumpkin roll? Is it good?"

Me: "IS IT GOOD? Holy shit, if I didn't think it was illegal, I would totally fuck pumpkin roll."

Yes..I told her I would fuck a large gourd-derived pastry.

It's that good.

Unfortunately, I told my wife about this conversation the other night.

I don't think she's letting me anywhere near her pumpkin roll this year.

You know...

Probably a good idea.

Moog out.


The Peach Tart said...

That pumpkin roll looks yum.

Lee said...

It's the right shape....

Mike said...

Luckily, if you did fuck the pumpkin roll, you'd only have to cut off the first inch, maybe inch and a half that was ruined. The rest would still be good.

In retrospect, cut that inch off first. Thanks in advance.

Tami G said...

Step away from the pumpkin roll..

Tami G

JenJen said...

I'd screw that pumpkin roll too



Ed said...

How'd your karate tournament turn out?

Hopefully, you faired better at that then your Pats did against my Colts.


Ducky said...

You know you puff pickles in the closet!

I really really want some of that pumpkin roll... I could probably eat like three all by myself...

Travis said...

I'd hit it.

Brutalism said...

It's okay to love the pumpkin roll. Just don't LOVE the pumpkin roll...Sphincter Braggart.

The Absent Minded Housewife said...

My sister makes pumpkin roll. I get one every Christmas. And since my little family has decided they don't like them I get my roll all to myself.

Back when I used to manage a costume rental I took my roll in so the other employees could enjoy the miracle of it. One of my customers spies it sitting on my back counter and asks if he too can have a slice. Why not? So he cuts himself off THREE inches of my roll and walks off.

Damn him.

Moooooog35 said...

Peach: It is SERIOUSLY awesome. Like, maybe one notch short of Jessica Alba awesome.

Maybe not THAT awesome. I mean, it is only pumpkin roll.

Lee: My wife is never letting me near the kitchen again.

Mike: I guess I know now who wants that first piece.


Been there. Done that.

JenJen: Wouldn't it be the other way around?

My anatomy stinks.

Ed: Thanks for rubbing that shit in. (That's what she said).

Two posts coming up on the tournament! If you'd follow me on Twitter/'d know already.


Daffy: Puff..pickles...closet...



Travis: You'd hit air.

Brutalism: Too late. I've already sung a Whitney Houston ballad to it.

Becky: Was he short? Was it me?

rachaelgking said...

If she didn't want you to bone it, she shouldn't have given it a creamy center. That pumpkin roll is such a hussy.

Joshua said...

Way to go American Pie-style on the pumpkin roll.


nonamedufus said...

Step away from the pumpkin roll and hit (in a manner of speaking) my blog to collect your Hangin With Dufus Award. How many is this?

adrienzgirl said...

Maybe you might add a little sumthin' sumthin' to the roll?

You are a sick bastahd, come by I gave you an award today.

Moooooog35 said...

Lilu: Dude..she made apple pie last weekend.

You don't even want to go there.

Joshua: And I totally went pumpkin roll on that apple pie.

Noname: Thanks for the award! But I will NOT step away from the pumpkin roll. It wants me.

Adrienz: Thank you, woman..both yours and noname's are on my 'awards' page.

And that little sumthin' sumthin'? That ain't cream cheese in that photo.

Oh. Look.

I grossed myself out.

Coffeypot said...

Pumpkin Roll fucking sounds like fun, but not as much fun as a warm watermelon still on the vine in the warm sun. But you have to put the plug back in when you finish otherwise it will wrinkle up Betty White‘s butt. Don’t eat any watermelon from anyone you don’t know either.

Matt said...

I dont understand why fucking a pumpkin roll would be illegal.

I mean, its your roll right?

Jay Ferris said...

Always a double standard for us men... no doubt if your wife wanted to get down with a 4-pack of Bratwurst it would be perfectly acceptable. Especially true if you guys lived in Japan.

Yankee Girl said...

It's so not illegal. Weird, sure. But not illegal.

And it would probably keep your wife from ever making it again, but knock your socks off.

Moooooog35 said...

Coffee: Um.


Matt: YOU'RE RIGHT! Just like my wife is mine, right?

I should know..TAKE it.

Thanks for the tip!

Jay: There's bratwurst in Japan?

Yankee: totally saved me from putting a lawyer on retainer.

I shall be forever in your debt.

The pale observer said...

You wouldn't even need lube with that creamy filling!

Going Like Sixty said...

Fix. Fix. Fix.

You beat Jesus and wrote it before the match didn't you. And in your fever, hit publish instead of save.

(Neither of your Fight Club posts that I read in RSS show up on blog?)

Or did Jesus take them down?

Chris said...

Banging pastry is the sign of a healthy mind. And it's perfectly acceptable, otherwise they wouldn't be called "Ho Ho's".

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

I didn't know it was illegal to have sex with pastries. Not that I've ever had sex with pastries, mind you. Or any of the food groups. Really. But I wouldn't be willing to take a lie detector test to prove it. Those things aren't as accurate as they make them out to be on TV. That's why they aren't allowed as evidence in a court of law. Not that I've been in a court of law -- not for a traffic ticket, and not to explain why I was caught with a pumpkin roll in my pants and a grin on my face. That's simply never happened.

Me-Me King said...

I read in Penthouse Forum once that about a guy used an orange to pleasure himself. Think of all that pulp.

Moooooog35 said...

Don: Ah..I see you're already in the holiday spirit.

Pale: Actually, there's you always have that shit to contend with.

Going: Stupid dates. I wrote two posts today and scheduled them for tomorrow and Thursday and then f'd up the date on Thursday's and actually got THREE F'ING COMMENTS on Thursday's I had to redo it.

Stay tuned.

Knucklehead: Ooooh. Good point. Explains M&M's with nuts.

MikeWJ: * turning a blind eye..I saw nothing...

Me-Me: I remember my first ever forum where a guy screwed a pizza.

What the Hell is wrong with people?

Waste of a perfectly good pie.

Kys: Doesn't

Malach the Merciless said...

There is just something about:

pump kin roll

that scream sex, not your fault.

Jill Pilgrim said...

Creamy filling is my weakness too. Well, creamy filling and prescription tranquilizers.

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

OMG OMG OMG I LOOOOOOVE Pumpkin roll!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So um...where did you say you lived again?

Moooooog35 said...

Malach: It's the 'kin' part that hooks you, isn't it?

Jill: You're alive!! Seriously thought there was something going on with the combination of cream filling and downers.

Bikram: Um...

Please let me watch.

Nanny: I live in southern New Hampshire.

Are you bringing some?

If you bring some, also bring condoms.

Thanks in advance.

Bird Shit said...

A "friend" of mine isn't allowed to go near cucumbers for the same reason....

meleah rebeccah said...

OMG, I would LOVE some of that Pumpkin Roll!!

And, yeah, there isn't really anything too sporty about the eye doctors


i went to this totally ridiculous and crappy arts and crafts show last weekend specifically to buy

a pumpkin roll

and it was good

if at all possible please post wife's recipe on your site i know that's gay and all even for you, but i'm looking for a good one or maybe you can just email it or have her email it or

whatever just forget it

Kellie said...

With all that creamy filling you wife wouldn't even know if you had sex with it. I mean, you said you have small junk so it would just be like a needle in a haystack that left some more cream filling. No?

Anonymous said...

Wow. Screwing pumpkin roll? Only here.

But it does look especially good. :)

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