Alternate title for this post was just:
Boys and Girls.
That title also doubles as the table of contents in Jeffrey Dahmer's recipe book.
Wow.
Wasted no time there in losing 34 mommy bloggers.
WIN!
Where was I?
Oh..yeah:
Boys and Girls.
I have one of each.
In my basement.
Perhaps I've said too much.
No, I have a 9 year old daughter (Payton), and a 6 year old son (Cam).
My wife gave them each a giant pad of paper the other day.
They made books.
And now...a window into the minds of Boys vs. Girls:
Book-style.
(click to enlarge any image)
First, my daughter's book:
Awww.
A book on different types of land formations.
It appears well thought out and educational.
Nicely done.
Let's see what my son has come up with for HIS book:
Um.
Me: "Cam...what is this?"
Cam: "It's my 'Book of Destruction.'"
Book. Of. Destruction.
Nice.
(FBI, take notice)
Let's look at some pages in the books.
First...
My daughter's table of contents:
Wow.
Very professional.
Well thought out...categories outlined well...
Okay, Payton...
...let's see what your brother did...
Amazing.
Cam decides to eschew the traditional 'Table of Contents' and goes IMMEDIATELY into three pages of death and destruction.
On a related note:
I really need to start limiting his time with XBox.
How's my daughter's book looking?
Let's turn the page here...
Apparently, my daughter is looking at some sort of publishing deal.
Even I'd forget to add this shit.
K...
Now I'm going to flip the page on Cam's book and...
..um..
Me: "Um..Cam?"
Cam: "Yeah?"
Me: "The fuck?"
In my head, I can hear Bill Curtis all, like:
"He was a normal child...until he began to express himself with violent drawings...walking spider trees..exploding snowmen. It was at THIS point, that fate took a tragic turn with Cameron."
I wonder if I'll get to meet him when they film the episode for A&E.
I fucking LOVE Bill Curtis.
Back to Payton's book...let's flip another page:
Wow.
A dedication. So sweet.
Let's see if Cam has done a dedi..
No.
Cam hasn't done a dedication.
Maybe Payton has more pages to look...
Jesus H. Christ.
Me: "Payton? Payton have you done any more of your book?"
Payton: "Not Yet."
Oh.
Cam: "I HAVE! Look at my last chapter!"
Me: "I'm scared of you, Cam."
Oh.
That's just fucking great.
Not even holidays are safe from Cam's death grip.
The fuck?
What is wrong with this kid? It's like..
..um..
Nice.
My house is being ripped into the sky by a tornado on or around Christmas, as seen by the decorative light display in our bushes.
* sigh
This couldn't have happened BEFORE I put the fucking lights up?!
I hate doing that shit.
Would have saved me some time.
Time I could spend researching shit like, 'What the fuck is wrong with my son?'
I'm guessing the answer would be:
Nothing. Nothing is wrong with him.
He's a boy.
It's what we do.
Just, you know, maybe not so graphically.
Moog out.
************************
UPDATE!! (7:50 a.m.)
I just dropped my kids off at the school's 'Before School' program.
There, the teacher handed me some 'Holiday Artwork' that the kids did as a craft last week.
The timing of this could not be any better.
If you think this boy vs. girl thing was a one-time deal, guess again.
Let's see what my daughter did:
Pretty.
And now...
My son's artwork:
Um.
?
I say we just proactively submit this as 'evidence' and call it a day.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Boys, Girls, Peninsulas and Aliens
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59 comments:
well you can't say he's not focused "Hooray for your kid not having ADD!"
get your boy to a paintball range stat !
Moooog is having a daddy blogger moment. Awww.
That's ok. I didn't want to poke my eyes out and rip my intestines through my anus with a rusty spoon like I do when reading any other parenting blog, so you must have done something right.
I think Cam's use of shadow was spot on. I especially enjoyed the spider tree.
It's obvious who their Dad is and where they got their flare for art and the dramatic.
hahaha "I'm hiding from my math"... yeah, I'm totally going to draw a picture of myself hiding from my term papers now.
This was awesome. I love making fun of kids spelling mistakes. It's hilarious.
O, My. :-) How have I missed this blog?!
Hilarious. I've linked you on my blogroll.
Pearl
Cameron needs therapy! lol Don't you just love boys minds? Oh wait, you are male, therefore, you have a boys mind. hmmmm
Hahaha!! Ok, I am over here crying! This is some funny stuff! OMG!! LOL.
You are about to get me fired for screaming in laughter! lol
Lol. Hilarious! I must say Cam has the makings of a young Spielberg.
All that creativity and imagination and story lines will make it big in Hollywood.
Woof, that hurt. But you know, in a good way. I think you've got a graphic novelist on your hands. Dude, 3D graphic novels with fuzzy balls would RULE.
Griffin: Who said he didn't have ADD?
Anonymous: As a target..or shooter? I think target because he's not old enough to shoot.
DONE.
Mike: Let us know when you actually do that stuff to yourself. Thanks in advance.
Don't forget the video!
Mars: Yes..because nothing says 'happy holidays' like a giant man-eating spider tree.
Peach: I KNOW. Oh..you mean me?
Miss.chief: When I was writing this he was looking over my shoulder, reading the captions, and going, 'I'M GOING TO JAIL?!?!'
Awesome.
Pearl: Thanks, woman! I've been here for, like, 2 years. What the Hell has taken you so long?
Have you seen my store? I sell mugs and shirts and shit.
Just sayin'.
Eva: I'm 41 and have a boy's mind.
My wife is no longer amused at this.
Tee: GREAT! I'm in the market for a secretary. Let me know when you're freed up.
Dave: I was thinking more Michael Bay, but either works, really.
Buggin: haha..you said 'fuzzy balls.'
Dude. Your son draws aliens exactly how I drew them from ages six to....now.
Father?
P.S. I drew destruction constantly as a child too. You know what my dad did?
Used a thicker bat.
Maybe Cam has outgrown the wiffle bat?
You can start him on wood with those little novelty ones they sell at baseball games.
I've taken this joke too far. o7
quentin tarantino. that's all i'm gonna say.
this is why i love boys. no lovey dovey bull shit. and i also heart bill kurtis. as you know already.
Well, at least.....
Nope. I can't, I just can't do it.
It's too sad really, just too sad.
Holy shit that was funny. You make me feel like a better parent. Sorry just saying. However, our son's maybe vying to rule the world. Or destroying it. They probably couldn't focus on ruling it.
I love boys. No not like that. Ok this comment has gone too far.
Having a 9 year old girl...she draws a female mouse who is looking for a mouse man and an almost 6 year old son who could have drawn what yours did...without the words, cuz he can't read, spell, write...cuz he's like that...I get it
I can only assume that the Marine's are jerking off to your sons art right now. Destruction Porn...the kiddie edition.
This kid couldn't be any cuter if he was dangling dead kittens.
Kittens that had been mauled by a tornado weilding monster alien that hates Christmas and your house.
I had the same problem with my son when he was Cam's age. No problem. Just take his old crib. Fashion a top for it out of rusty tin can lids (they're uber sharp) and secure it with bolts. Makes a great cage until the zoo will take him off of your hands.
Deadpan: Bats are so 1978. I use wooden back-scratchers. They're lighter, and if someone sees the marks you just say, 'he must have scratched himself too hard.'
You're welcome.
Noelle: That would be awesome. He's SO buying me a Corvette.
Speaking: I know you love Bill Curtis. So does he. Hence the restraining order.
Ed: What? Glimpses of your childhood? I'm lost.
Mepsipax: If you ever want to feel like you're a better person, this is pretty much the place to do it.
Lee: She's marrying mice?
I think you have bigger problems than I do.
Justjp: DON'T ASK DON'T TELL...DON'T ASK DON'T TELL!
Mike: yeah..um.
Notsomuch.
Travis: Yeah..stay tuned. I'm assuming that picture's coming up next.
Don: DAD?!?!
I'm with him. Fuck the holidays.
I am crying from laughter.
I've got four boys and one girl. Trust me on this...cleaning up a boys death and destruction is always easier than cleaning up the emotional debris field of a girl. Really. It is only the beginning.
This was so fun to read! Oh, kids!
You must be so proud of your spawn. The joy of teaching your children and getting the rewards of parenthood all wrapped up in paper. At least they didn't eat the markers, that is a bonus and let's them continue into adulthood without pooping funny colors.
PQ: I don't think he actually wrote 'fuck the holidays,' but I honestly wouldn't put it past him.
Bombshell: Emotional debris.
Sounds exciting.
Kill me.
Adrienz: Maybe a little too much of 'Destroyed in Seconds' I'm thinking.
OOH! MORE SPEEDBOAT CRASHES!
Kris: I'm nothing if not a fun ride.
I made that up.
Lizzy: No..the dog is the one who eats the markers.
This explains the 'rainbow sandbox' and the 'multicolored grass' in my backyard.
My nephews were drawing tornado pictures over the holiday but they didn't think of putting "stuff" in it until I showed them by drawing some dirty diapers flying around in the funnel.
It's all in who you know.
That cow - I believe it was beginning to cry out"moooooog" before being sucked into that tornado.
Brilliant work by both Payton and Cam. Question: Does Cam remove the heads from Payton's dolls? If so, a round of meds IS in order.
Your son may be my favorite kid in the entire universe. His last picture where he is hiding from math? I pretty much drew that on every single math assignment I had to do..
Please let me know when he's old enough to get a gun, or a car... oh geez I'm scared!
Love it,, do you have Square One art in your kids school. They draw something and then you can buy it on magnets, shirts, bags etc. for three years running my DAughter drew scary aliens...
Holy shit mooooog, this was one of your best posts...I can't stop laughing. Cam is hilarious. At least you know he has the capability of continuing the blog when you retire.
AND, I love how he was "hiding from his math"! Priceless.
what? no knives? no spurting blood?? That damned Math lives on every fuckin' time...
Okay. The one looks like he is going to attack with a hair dryer.
Moog, do you blow out your hair?
And two
I hide from the math all the time!
Essie: What's a drawing of a dirty diaper look like?
WAIT. WAIT. Don't want to know.
Me-Me: The only cows that have ever cried out 'mooog' were in college.
Carissa: YOU'RE scared?
Vodka: Right. Because I want a mug with a picture of my house being struck by meteors. That reeks of home stability.
Jen: I will retire as soon as I sell out of coffee mugs.
So far I've sold two.
BUY A MUG!
SwirlGirl: I know. And math just keeps getting trickier and trickier as they get older..sneaky bastard.
JenJen: Hey..hair dryers HAVE been known to cause damage..like split ends and shit like that.
I learned that from a hot oil treatment commercial.
I watch too much TV.
That book was more gory than the new Rambo movie!!! The monsters are way scarier than the ones in the movie Critters (shudders)...truly frightening....
ohhhh...emmmm....geeeeeeee!!!!!!
THAT is effing HILARIOUS!!!!
Love the POST and Love Love LOve your boy!
NICE!!!!
Tami G
My son is only five.
He's already drawing books of tornadoes ripping up houses. And lightning zapping people.
And those assholes at the school didn't believe us when we told them he was gifted.
Umm..I think this is how pyro's start out.
This is your single best post ever. Publishable. Sorry about the kids, though. One's anal retentive to a fault, and the other's a scary nutball. I'd laugh at you, but I have four of them myself, and they're in even worse shape than yours. So mostly I just feel sorry for myself.
I agree, Moog, Cam's pictures should be marked "evidence". As in, "evidence that insanity is indeed hereditary."
This post is on the short list for the Knucklehead Post of the Week. Great stuff. I love Cam's various categories of destruction.
Ahahaah. AHAHAHAhhHahhahahah.
Okay, the whole 'Intro' to this blog post [especially the part where you lost 34 mommy bloggers] made me Laugh Out Loud = and, in PUBLIC.
And even though complete strangers are looking at me sideways, I am still going to try and go back, to read the rest of this story....
your daughter? = awesomeness.
your son? = possibly questionable future.
and I mean that in the most supportive and lovingly way!
PS:
HILARIOUS blog post.
Ohh, encourage it, help him make videos!
Math totally has legs. Hope your holidays are filled with joy...and destruction!?
I may have read this thru at least three times for its hilariousness.
P.S. Tell Cam I'd buy that book. In a second.
The "hiding from my math" one was my personal favorite. I wish I'd have had the wherewithal to create something like that which displayed my distaste for math so artfully.
Bird Shit: Yes. He has a talent.
I need him to grow out of it.
Tami G: Are you rich? I could hook you two up.
Mjenks: I literally had to tell my son that he couldn't draw bombs in school.
He was sad.
Toe: Or serial killers. It's a tossup.
MikeWJ: Great!
Who wants to publish it?
Anyone? Anyone?
Knucklehead: Post of the week?!?
My nipples just poked out.
Meleah: Seriously: I know you're going through a patch, and glad I could make you laugh.
You're welcome.
Did the mug show up yet? That should help, too.
Malach: I'm envisioning a new "Faces of Death" series.
Straightjackets: 'Math has Legs' would be a great name for a rock band.
Martini: I just told him you'd buy the book and he was all, like, 'wha..?'
Kids.
Zan: See? I've given you nothing if not ideas to draw creepy shit.
You're welcome.
Such a cute little axe murderer.
I was impressed you even noticed that 34 mommy bloggers left. There are so many...how did you notice?
Your kid is a genius. Or at least vastly entertaining.
You're fixed, right?
PS Your kid is obviously an Evil Genius.
'skuze me while I crack my knuckles and jump right in here. I always feel awkward w/ my first comment on a blog.
So hi. You're funny. And I have a feeling your child will be a future post office bomber. Cam? He's going to be a teacher.
Let's just leave it at that.
Holy shit dude- your son's book was the funniest thing I've seen in a long time. I think he needs his own blog.
Cam rules. That was the best bang for buck entertainment I have had in five years. Tears are streaming down my face.(laughter not fear)
Turn off the television, the electronic games, change the diet and get rid of the sugar ... now.
Oh my God . . . please . . . make it stop . . . my stomach hurts . . . I've been laughing so hard! Thanks for this! :)
I remember this post and it is still hilarious. My son loves to make houses with legos and he made up this story about how a tornado came through and destroyed the house so he can make a new one. I told him he didn't really have to make up a story about it but he said then how could I explain destroying the house. OK then.
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