Q&A - Part Menage-a-Trois | Mental Poo

Friday, December 11, 2009

Q&A - Part Menage-a-Trois

Before I start today, just wanted to mention that I have another word added into the Urban Dictionary:


slushveling (v.):
The practice of shoveling slush (snow + water).

It's just like regular shoveling, except you immediately throw out your fucking back.

Six inches of snow, then it started raining. I spent 2 hours slushveling, then a week at the chiropractor adjusting my new bout of scoliosis. I'm moving to Florida. Fuck this shit.


Right now, people in Arizona are all, like, 'the fuck?'

Whatever. Confusion is what you get for picking a place like fucking Arizona to live.



From the Q&A files, I bring you Part Menage-a-Trois ('Dear Penthouse...') of my Question-and-Answer column.

For part one, click here and for part two click here.

This is where you ask the questions about me, and I give you some answers. *

* answers may or may not be completely wrong based on how I'm feeling and on what narcotic I'm taking at the time.

Let's begin:

Why are you so cool? - Kate

Um. It's, like, the middle of fucking winter here in New England.

No offense, but that was a pretty stupid question.

What shade of lipstick is your hand wearing and where can I buy it? - Deb

Actually, that is my wife's nail polish.

As far as the color, I'm going to guess 'some sort of red' but in all honesty I'm just reaching at straws here.

My wife is totally going to kill me now for using her nail polish.

At least this time it's not on my toes.

Perhaps I've said too much.

JD at I Do Things asked TWO questions:

Ooh, I have two questions:

1. Is there any topic that you consider off-limits? I'm guessing not, but let's get the record straight. AND if the answer is Yes, then you need to blog about that topic in the next few weeks.

2. Will you shave MY junk so I don't have to? Not a Brazilian or landing strip, just regular-style.


#1: Anything off limits? The only thing I RARELY touch upon (besides my prostate because I have stubby fingers) is politics and anal rape.

That is probably being redundant.

I also don't write about politics because I'm a Republican and a sore loser and like not being audited.

#2: If you can get your husband and my wife to sign off on the permission slip, then GAME ON BABY..

However, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that you're most likely on your own with that last one.

CatLadyLarew asked:

Since no question is too personal...

At what age did you reach your full height?

Are you taller than your children?

Since you are made of steel, does that mean your penis is always erect?

What color is your Harley?

I reached my full height by age 3. Maybe 13. Can't remember. I'm old.

I AM currently taller than my 9 year old daughter and 6 year old son, but not by much.

At some point, non-penis related shrinkage will set in and we'll have complete reversal of the ride-height requirement at amusement parks.

This will suck because I really like roller coasters.

Since I'm made of steel is my penis always erect?

Let's just say that maybe I should change my name to 'Midget Man of Balsa Wood.'

My Harley is black. Sorry. My Harley is "African American."

Phew. Dodged a bullet there.

(FYI, JD: Race-relations are also off-limits)

"I was wondering if your rather disconcerting obsession with porn had anything to do with your being named Rodney. I mean, I see “Rod”, and I immediately think huge, hard junk and hot monkey love and, really, doesn’t everyone?" - Holly via email

My disconcerting obsession with porn is based on the fact that I am, at least the last time I checked, male.

It's what we do.

On a related note:

Guys, I have Holly's email address if you're interested.

The story of HOW I got my name, though, can be found here.

And you thought this was gonna be easy.

Last but not least, Dorian via email writes:

If I shouted "Hey Moog, go put some fun between your legs!" where would you run to?

A. To your motorcycle.
B. To your wife.
C. To a lockable and inconspicuous bathroom.
D. To that shoe box on the top left hand shelf of your garage (next to the can of WD40.)

If it's the third Sunday of every other month, my answer is definitely 'B.'

Otherwise, I'm going with 'A' - my motorcycle.

Which I'm then driving to an inconspicuous bathroom with the contents of the shoe box from my garage.

It's how I roll.


If you have something you'd like to ask me, email me at midgetmanofsteel@yahoo.com and put 'Q&A' in the subject line.

But hopefully that gives you a little peek inside of me.

Just. Like. My. Proctologist.

Moog out.


JenJen said...

I love 1p.

I've been dying to say "Rod the Bod" for a while now.

Disappointed in the apparent misuse of it here on this blog.


justjp said...

Nicely done sir... always remember one knuckle is not gay.

Ed said...

Now I feel bad.

Do you need me to free her up on some of the other days of the month?

What can I say, I'm in a sharing mood.

Afterall, you are married to her.

It's the least I could do.

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

And still no answer to my question. Which means there's at least one other topic besides politics and race relations that's so taboo, so shamefully forbidden, that even the Midget Man of Steel won't touch on it. And by touch on it, I mean fondle it. And by it, I mean your penis. And by fondling your penis, I mean the question about the relationship -- in inches -- between your oft-mentioned lack of stature and the length of the oft-mentioned favorite member of your family. Which is a long-winded way of saying, how long's your dick, shorty?

P.S. -- I'd like to emphasize once again that I'm asking out of scientific curiosity, and not because I'm gay or bi, or simply perverse. I don't know why I feel it's important to point that out given the current state of affairs in our society, but I do. Thank you for your consideration.

Chris said...

Dude, you get email from women offering to let you shave their privates?

Like you weren't my hero already.

Moooooog35 said...

JenJen: You love 1p?

Like, one pee?

You're freaky.

Justjp: They teach you that in prison, did they?


Ed: I write shit like that and it becomes my own fault.

I realize this.

That's why I know the words to most Cinemax porn movies.

MikeWJ: Dude..get an email that works.

The fuck.

Your question will be answered on the 23rd.


It will be worth the wait.

Travis: I have no idea what just happened there, but I'm almost positive it's not good.

Knucklehead: Yeah..shit like that does great things to strengthen a marriage and help convince your wife that you should continue writing.

It's still okay to sing Bette Midler, though. Go ahead. Wind beneath your wings..you know the tune.

Kellie said...

Thank you for this very enlightening view into your life. Also, that pope pic is cracking me up. :)

How are you? It's Friday! Ta-da! :)

nonamedufus said...

The pope can see me masturbating? I thought it was Santa Claus who could do that.

carissajaded said...

"The only thing I RARELY touch upon (besides my prostate because I have stubby fingers) "

I'm gonna get fired if you pump out any more lines like this.

Swirl Girl said...

Don't get down on yourself because your smaller than your sneaker. Size doesn't matter all that much. {does it ladies *wink*wink).

You know what they say about a man with big hands and big feet?*


*big gloves and big shoes.

mepsipax said...

You are hilarious. That makes you illegal in Texas.
And buying irregulars is ok, if you aren't already irregular (short)

Vodka Logic said...

Nope size doesn't matter.... oh you meant height, then def not.

Donnie said...

I'll send you a pair of my shoes...they're 12's. You can hide from your wife in them or use them as bumper cars and ram your kids.

MrsBlogAlot said...

Crucial note to self: Do not read any more of Moog's posts or comments with a full bladder.

Deb said...

Lipstick on your hand? I've heard Lubriderm works better - ask MikeWJ - I bet he'd know.

Unknown said...

I love that the ad at the end of the comments was for electric shavers--"fewer strokes for very efficient shaving."

JennyMac said...

The Q&A cracked me up. Cat Lady's questions are priceless. And thank you for that sexy pic of Barack and Hillary. I now have no appetite for likely the next 12 hours.

Malach the Merciless said...

BTW, Kate was me, my wife was signed into my PC

Jill Pilgrim said...

Its like everything I ever wanted to know.

Chris C said...

Cmon it's actually warm for a week or two in July. hehe.

I'm a fellow NH resident as well by the way. :)

Moooooog35 said...

Kellie: If Thanksgiving was on a Friday, you'd be the person going:

"Happy Turkey Day. It's Friday!"

Wouldn't you?

I knew it.

noname: And Mother Teresa.

She's filthy.

Carissa: Mental Poo: Helping fuel the recession since 2007.

Swirl Girl: It doesn't matter to me if size matters because I have pretty small hands anyway..so I seem huge to myself.

mepsipax: I'm illegal in Texas? That explains the car chase.

Vodka: * sigh

Don: I could probably actually use one of your roller skates as a daily commuter.

Mrsblogalot: More women peeing.


Deb: I don't think I'd get the full 'lip treatment' with Lubriderm.

Wait..maybe I would.

Eva: I see 'laser hair removal.'


JennyMac: Anything I can do to help you ladies control your weight without the use of appetite suppresants, I'm happy to do.

Malach: Your wife is Kate Gosselin?

Explains a lot.

Jill: I'm like an Enquirer of useless knowledge.

So, really, just like a regular Enquirer.

Chris C: Two New Hampshire residents in a row (Jill and now you) - holy crap. I think I hear the four horsemen approaching.

JD at I Do Things said...

OK, I could not get my husband to sign off, so I guess I AM on my own. (I felt a little weird calling your wife.) And after seeing what Google coughed up for "no politics," let me say I'm VERY grateful you avoid that topic.

ScoMan said...

Thanks for stopping by. I look forward to seeing how your "I just killed a man" status update pans out.

The irregular shoe thing cracked me up. I'm picturing you wandering around in a massively slanted state, but like there's nothing wrong with it. People stare strangely at you and you're all casual like "Yeah, that's how I roll"

Phillipia said...

No comment...cuz I am still laughing too hard:)

My new daily exercize...read moog - but not at work!!!

We have a new policy...about reading anything that may be offensive to anyone who may be looking over our shoulders at what we are reading....

Tracie said...

Hillary has been working out!

meleah rebeccah said...

reading your answers to these questions made me chuckle for the first time since last Thursday.

Thank you for being so funny- great, now I sound like one of your family members at Thanksgiving.

Philip at Thavage said...

Short digits are a bitch aren't they?
Meanwhile back at the batcave, I hope your next ride includes a stop at the walgrens for one of those two part lube kits to try out every other month. I hear they're minty but with no after taste.

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