From the Q&A files, I bring you Part Deux (pronounced 'Deux') of my Question-and-Answer column.
For part one, click here.
This is where you ask the questions about me, and I give you some answers.*
* answers may or may not be completely wrong based on how I'm feeling and on what narcotic I'm taking at the time.
Ed Adams asked, like, 15 fucking questions, which I'll just ask in-line here:
What do you want to be when you grow up?
A better father to you. I'm sorry, Ed. I've failed you miserably.
Actually, I'd like to be a writer. Hence, this stupid fucking blog.
Do you think growing UP is still an option?
No. I'm okay with it, though, but my wife is still hopeful that some type of maturity will set in at some point.
I wouldn't hold my breath.
If presented with the choice between WATCHING 2 really hot lesbians get nasty, or JOINING 2 mediocre lesbians for a 3-way, which do you choose?
This is easier than Paris Hilton on roofies at a Chippendales show.
Mediocre lesbo three way because...um...HELLO?! THREE WAY.
Coffepot also asked this question as well as Ed:
When do you think your wife will take the training wheels off your Harley? And would you be able to touch without them?
I actually had to have my Harley lowered an inch, have a low-rider seat installed, and I wear boots with a 1-inch heel.
I'm like mini-me on a Big Wheel. It's awesome.
If you and Kristin where both single, would you let her poop on your chest?
No, but we totally would have been all up in each other's shit by now.
Not literally. Although knowing her gastrointestinal system, that wouldn't be out of the question.
How important is the "reach around" to you?
Am I in prison again in this scenario?
You'll need to be clearer.
Do your coworkers ever give you shit for shopping for clothes at Baby Gap?
I don't talk to my coworkers for one reason:
I. Hate. People.
Yes..you can buy this shirt at my store.
I own one myself.
If you weren't busy writing Hilariously funny posts at work, do you think you would be able to finish reading the Twilight series?
I can't even remember the last time I read a book without pictures.
Penthouse counts as a book, right?
If a train leaves Indiana at 1pm, and another train leaves New Hampshire at 7pm, would Belichik still go for it on fourth down?
You cut me deep right then, Ed.
Cut me deep.
Are you really a Hobbit? You are short and live in a Shire. (New Hamp"shire") Is your real name Rodney Frodo?
I can give you shit because I'm short too. But 5'4 1/2" is still bigger than 5'2", so there.
I'm not a hobbit but I play one on TV.
Webcam = home video.
Home video = private self-made amateur porn stash.
I have an outfit. The hairy feet is a nice touch.
In that movie, though, 'My precious' is a whole different thing.
Just one question: Cleveland Steamer or Cincinnati Bowtie? - Brutalism
Some people are,like...wha?
Here...the least I can do is explain what a Cleveland Steamer is.
(don't worry...it's just a link to a previous post...jeez)
Oh. You're back.
So the answer to the question, 'Cleveland Steamer or Cincinatti Bowtie?'
I like to mix it up.
It's how I roll.
Is Ralph Friedgen going to get the pink slip? - Funnyrunner
I had to Google who this guy was.
Seriously - I think this question was better suited for Magic 8-Ball (also my financial advisor)
Since I live in New England, college football here is equivalent to 'So You Think You Can Dance' when compared to 'Dancing with the Stars.'
Sure, you could watch it. But what's the point?
We have PROFESSIONAL teams in this part of the country...so forgive my ignorance here.
I'm going to say, 'sure.' Total pink slip for the guy.
That's what my Magic 8-Ball said, and he's only wrong most of the time.
If you have something you'd like to ask me, email me at firstname.lastname@example.org put 'Q&A' in the subject line.
But hopefully that gives you a little peek inside of me.
Just. Like. My. Proctologist.