Social Ostracism 101, Soccer Style - Part Three | Mental Poo

Thursday, December 03, 2009

Social Ostracism 101, Soccer Style - Part Three

Before I start today's post...just a reminder:

Tonight, Thursday, December 3rd, I'll be at Jillian's in Manchester, NH for The Whiskey Girls Finalist Fashion Show.

No, I'm not in it.

Not like I wouldn't take home the friggin' gold, but whatever.

No - I'm covering the show for The Whiskey Girls - a bunch of hot, Harley chicks who raise money for charitable causes. If you have a charitable cause, give 'em a ring - because they travel.

If you're in the vicinity of Manchester, NH tonight - come by and meet me and The Whiskey Girls.



And now, I present to you the final in my three-part Mental Poo 'How To' series:

Social Ostracism 101, Soccer Style

Click here for parts one and two.

You should be totally up to date now with the process of making fun of your own child in public AND disregarding someone else's personal injury if it means you get to go home.

You're on your way to being a complete and utter asshole that no one wants to be around.

I'm like Yoda, but instead of teaching you how to move shit with your mind and have some weird sexual tension with a broad who turns out to be your sister, I'm giving you the finer points of being a total prick.

You're welcome.

Here we go:


At another point in the game, Payton gets put back in on defense.

I’m going to draw this as a cartoon, because I think it flows better that way.

(click to enlarge...that's what she said)

I don’t think we’re going to do this next season.


Payton, by some miracle of all fucking miracles, ended up actually kicking the ball, like FIVE times during the game.

Having Payton kick the ball FIVE times, never mind ONCE is equivalent to having your toast pop up and you realize there’s an image of Jesus on it.

Except in this case, you don’t get a nice buttery breakfast out of it.

The coach, after each game, gives the ‘player of the game’ a foam finger that says ‘Go Thunder Go.’

Because of the stellar play of Payton on defense…

…she got the foam finger.

That's right, baby!!

Not ONLY did she actually kick the ball 5 times, but out of the two total goals that the other team scored, only two of them were scored when she was playing defense.


The fuck…?

Regardless, as she’s running towards us after the game across the field, she yells:


* cricket

That’s great, kid.

For the fifth time today, we’ve been the recipients of ‘that look.’

You know what?

Fuck ‘em.

We’re really proud of you, honey.

Next season, let’s try and shoot for SIX kicks.

Moog out.


Ed said...

Just wait till she comes home from school in about 5 years and says the same thing.

Completely different meaning then.

Lee said...

I am cracking up over Ed's comment!! Just what every father wants to hear!

Me-Me King said...

Does she get to keep the finger? Or is this a traveling finger? If so, there's a few I'd like to award the foam finger to.

Deech said...


This is classic. I will have to keep this in mind when my kids go back to soccer camp next year.....

JenJen said...

Moogsy the funniest thing about this post is the label:
"I love my daughter but I'd love her more if she was good at sports."


Travis said...

Sounds just like her dad.

She was probably thinking about it the whole run over to you.

"What can I say to make daddy get the look again?"

Matt said...

HA, I'm a charitable cause. Maybe I can get these whiskey chicks to come visit AND raise money for me. Win-win.

Also,I cant stand erik estrada.

Unknown said...

very interesting...

payton GOT the finger for doing a good job playing the game.

moooooog DIDN'T get the finger for being a crappy, unsupportive parent.

this world is truly fucked up, no?

Moooooog35 said...

Ed: Brilliant.

Wrong. But brilliant.

Also, I'll be heading over to kick your ass shortly. Keep an eye out for me...I'll be the angry short guy.

Lee: Shit like that is why I wish I had two boys. Sorry..two STRAIGHT boys...need to clarify there.

Me-Me: It's a traveling finger BUT because she got it on the last game of the season, she gets to keep it for the winter.

Yay us. Like the High School Musical shit stuck to her walls wasn't enough.

I heart Vanessa Hudgens.


Joker: My work here is done, then.

JenJen: get all kinds of fun stories if you click on that.


Travis: Like it took THAT for me to get the look. I always have the look.

It's my thing.

Matt: You hate Erik Estrada?

You're dead to me.

Noelle: It's like I'm living in Bizarro world but completely not.

Brutalism said...

Reminds me of the time before an orchestra concert when one of my sister's violin strings broke...she ran out to my parents in the audience in a panic saying, "Mom -- I broke my G string." You can bet the dads in attendance were suddenly much more interested in a junior high orchestra concert.

mepsipax said...

Kids make the best comments. That was a great post. I too am a Dick. But, not just to my kid.
I took my kid out of soccer. Hey, like you, at least I tried. And baseball, and football. Hey, at least I knew not to try basketball.

Joshua said...

I didn't think it could get worse than you, Moog. And then Ed showed up.

Could have been worse, he could have really given her the finger for allowing the two goals.


Vodka Logic said...

And where were you when my kid was playing soccer

and her coach a mom..yuck

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Your daughter is a girl after my own heart. I was the one making lawn angels in the outfield. I think they invented a new position for me, "Left field Plan B".

I hope coach doesn't start giving out MVP leis. He's really asking for it.


i am laughing my ass off at ed's comment. that was good. i have thoroughly enjoyed the soccer posts and enjoy your time with the whiskey girls tonight. you must be some kind of super star. or some kind of something

Unknown said...

Manchester is about 90 minutes away from me. If I were more ambitious, I'd drive over--but I'm not.

Great post!

rachaelgking said...

"I love my daughter but I'd love her more if she was good at sports" is a TAG of yours?

You got shotgun on my bus to hell, my friend.

Moooooog35 said...

Brutalism: HAHA...awesome. I've said the very same thing. Sadly, it was not at a concert.

Suldog: Careful. Knucklehead takes his payment from behind.

Mepsipax: My wife and I are both just over 5 feet tall. Basketball is pretty much out of the cards for my kids. I'm not even going to attempt it.

Joshua: Good point. At least then, though, I'd be able to practice some deadly karate moves on him.

Win some. Lose some.

Vodka: When your kids were playing soccer I was probably doing something else.

Just a guess.

Steam Me Up: Good point on the Leis. THAT'S the comment that I'm worried about in a few years.

Speaking: I'm some kind of nothing hoping to be some kind of something so someday I can do nothing because all my something finally paid off.

I have no idea, either.

Eva: I'm not ambitious and I'M doing it. Jeez.

Lilu: I'm guessing it's a short bus?

Donnie said...

God, I know just what you went through. No, not you God. You moooooog. I know y'all are glad that fun shit is over with and can focus on really fun crap like Christmas and shit.

G said...

i want to be a whiskey girl.

Malach the Merciless said...

Yeah, DCF will be there soon

Unknown said...

Love the soccer pics, that's my daughter too. Wouldn't notice if her butt was on fire.

Tracie said...

I agree with everyone else. Ed's comment is almost as funny as your post.

meleah rebeccah said...

Payton is awesome. The.end.

Oh and I loved the Estrada Toast! Ahahahahhaha

personalised football gifts for chrsitmas said...

nothing like a bit of healthy sport competition to ensure that your kids remain mentally scarred for life.
love these soccer related posts!

Kellie said...

That is awesome. Your daughter got fingered!!! Whoa. Wait... said...

Wow! Getting the foam finger... it just doesn't get any better than that!

Chris said...

Moog, that comment about me was totally uncalled for. Here I go recommending you to my friends and you make some lewd comment about me.

On second thought, why am I surprised?

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