A Chorus, Cacaphony, Crazed Killer and Something that Looks Like Epstein | Mental Poo

Monday, January 04, 2010

A Chorus, Cacaphony, Crazed Killer and Something that Looks Like Epstein


A few notes from watching my 9-year-old daughter's 'Christmas Chorus Concert' the other night:

1) OMG OMG this is going to fucking suck

Why did I think this was going to suck?

Because my daughter can't sing.

Let me rephrase that.

My daughter sings about as well as Tiger Woods' ability to stay out of random vaginas.

I'm not jealous.


But she thinks she can sing.

This is BAD. VERY. VERY. BAD.

Because when someone THINKS they can sing, they tend to sing constantly. This is exactly how William Hung got started.

Ha. I said 'hung.'

I'm 12.

In fact, at one point, she was SO confident in her singing ability that she asked us to drive her to Vegas so she could be on "America's Got Talent."

Yeah. Okay.

We said, 'no' of course - because seeing my 9 year old daughter torn apart by David Hasselhoff on live television actually PROBABLY WOULD HAVE BEEN WICKED COOL WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING HOLY SHIT I WONDER IF I'D GET TO MEET THE HOFF!

Sorry.


Hoff or no Hoff, it would be humiliating for her.

So we said 'no.'

Later that night, we found a note that said THIS on our kitchen island:


Yes.

We crushed her dreams.

Honey, we're your parents.

It's our job.

2) As I scanned the audience I was thinking that 'I can kick his ass and his ass and maybe hers.'

I've started doing this since taking up karate.

I look to see if there are people that I can totally beat the shit out of.

There were definitely some in the audience.

Then I started scanning the adults.


3) What the fuck is that?!

With my daughter singing in the front row, I look up and see this..

..this..

Jesus H. Christ....What IS that?!

It was like a young Bee Gee.

I couldn't tell if it was a boy or a girl.

It had a unibrow..and bushy long hair...but appeared to have a moustache (what the fuck, this is, like, fourth grade...oh...maybe it's Italian).


I had no idea.

I was mesmerized.

Until I saw...

4) The kid who looked like Steve Buscemi had sex with Jeffrey Dahmer

Just when I thought kids couldn't look any weirder, the 'small chorus' group breaks out and start singing.

That's when I see him.

Singing in the back row.

Yellow shirt.

Yellow tie.


Yep.

Future serial killer.

This kid just looked...wrong.

Like, in ten years from now a string of kids go missing from the neighborhood, this is the guy they're going to pick up in his black van with tinted windows and the words "FREE CANDY" scrawled on the side.


I'm sitting in a chair, and my wife is about 6 feet away in the bleachers.

I look over and she tries mouthing to me:

"Do you see..?"

The she stops mouthing words, and does one of those 'nevermind' waves.

But I know what she's thinking.

I mouth:

"Yellow?"

Her eyes LIGHT UP WITH EXCITEMENT.

YES! YELLOW!!

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING IN THE YELLOW?!?!



Creepy.

5) Oh..this stupid thing isn't as bad as I thought

Luckily for us they only sang ten songs.

Also, the chorus was made up of approximately 736 kids and I'm guessing SOME of them can actually sing because they didn't sound that bad which meant that they were basically singing louder than my daughter and drowning her out.

Speaking of drowning out my daughter, I'm totally keeping an eye on that kid in the yellow.

Fucking creepy.

48 comments:

meleah rebeccah said...

Okay, I am cracking up over the Yellow Shirt Kid, and how you and your wife were on the same page about his creepiness factor.

And, explaining him as "The kid who looked like Steve Buscemi had sex with Jeffrey Dahmer" is just as funny as that photo!

Maxie said...

you take karate?

i think yellow shirt with yellow tie sounds kind of cool. like charlie in the end of the always sunny musical. duh.

who doesn't want to go from a boy to being a man? the day man is where it's at.

JenJen said...

yep. twelve. and a half.

The Princess of Sarcasm said...

Personally, I think you were giving yourself a bit too much credit at 12 years old....

Be honest.....you were just afraid that if you took your daughter to Vegas, you'd loose your WIFE to Hasselhoff.

erin said...

One of my daughters can sing and one of them thinks she can. The hilarious thing is that she thinks the one that actually can carry a tune is GOD AWFUL. It's freaking funny.

Ed Adams said...

I applaud you for being brave enough to put up your bedroom poster of The Hoff.

Also, I couldn't help notice that his right forearm is seriously more developed than the left one.

I'm assuming you have the same problem.

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

I am cracking up. The guy in the yellow seemed to have taken your mind off your daughter's bad vocals, so maybe he served his purpose!

LiLu said...

"My daughter sings about as well as Tiger Woods' ability to stay out of random vaginas."

I totally read that as "My daughter sings ABOUT Tiger Woods' ability to stay out of random vaginas."

My version's funnier.

Don said...

My sixth grade class had a choir made up for a play. We all sucked except this one psycho dude named Boyd. Boyd! He had the 1000 yard stare at the age of 12! Spooky shit!

Elly Lou said...

Good thing I have all day to try and get that image out of my head before the nightmares begin. *shiver*

Moooooog35 said...

Meleah: You wouldn't have been laughing had you seen him.

Gives me chills just thinking about it.

Maxie: You are seven shades of wrong.

JenJen: The extra half is for 'savings.'

I have no idea what that was supposed to mean.

Princess: If it was to the Hoff, I would take it as a necessary sacrifice to the Gods.

Erin: Yeah..wait til they figure out that they can sing to 'Rock Band.'

I may move.

Ed: It's okay, in it's place I put up a cool poster of Fonzie.

It's all good.

Lee: Nobody is THAT creepy.

Lilu: See 'Maxie' comment above and ditto it, please.

Thanks in advance.

Don: Oil Can Boyd can sing?!?

Elly Lou: It will never leave. He still haunts my dreams.

You've been warned.

hiphophippie.com said...

Um, awwwwwesome. And yeah, the initial investment in taking your daughter to Vegas woulda paid off in dividends. When Hoff thrashed her confidence she wouldn't ever want to do anything again except stay in her room and smoke weed. Total bonus cuz then you'd always have a free stash and the right as parent to take it.

And this is why I should never reproduce.

Me-Me King said...

You should really stop shitting on your kids in this public forum.

NOT! I'm rolling!

Me-Me King said...

P.S. I've been meaning to point out the number of women that stalk this blog opposed to the number of men that don't. What do you think this means? Maybe you could address this issue in a post sometime.

Jen said...

I hate the Christmas pageants. They seem to go on for hours and no one can sing. Worse is most of the parents seem to be enjoying themselves. I'm so glad those days are over.

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

I think it's awful that you would make fun of a Bee Gee, especially Robin, who is really ugly, but needs compassion, not hate. I guess, however, I'm just freakin' glad you didn't make fun of Barry Gibb, whom I LOVED in my earlier years, until I saw him recently. Man, he's one ugly old guy now. I guess I'm going to have to seriously think about taking down my life-size Bee Gee poster now...

brookeamanda said...

Oh, the dreaded Christmas concert..something to look forward to when I have kids of my own.

Waltsense.com said...

funny stuff and I pray I will be man enough to tell my kid they suck when at all their activities they do....especially singing.

Daffy said...

My husband asked me to drive him to Vegas but it was for a very different reason.

Becky..AMHW said...

That's MY kid. Don't make me kick your ass.

:P

Moooooog35 said...

hiphop: Wrong. That's EXACTLY why you should reproduce.

Me-Me: I got tired of making fun of them behind closed doors.

I'm not sure why the high-female-to-male ratio here. Although, I DO use Axe body wash.

Jen: You know, without the creepy kids this would have been way worse.

Mary: Bee Gee adoration is wrong on so many levels it's not even funny.

Brookeamanda: Not if you take out their vocal chords when they're young.

Maybe I'm thinking about dogs.

Whatever.

Waltsense: Ruining your child's dreams is part of being a responsible parent.

The more you know.

Daffy: BUNNY RANCH ROAD TRIP!

Becky: You know...I'm really not surprised at all here.

Noelle said...

omg...so your daughter can't play soccer AND can't sing?!

here's to hoping she'll be either

1) really fucking smart OR
2) really fucking pretty.

otherwise, she doesn't stand a chance.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Your daughter can't sing? That never stopped Britney and Paris Hilton from having CDs. I don't suppose your daughter is old enough to flash her lady place getting out of a car though, so maybe I over-thought this...

Eva Gallant said...

I am like your daughter. If you have time read this post

http://wrestlingretirement.blogspot.com/2009/06/end-of-musical-career.html

Brutalism said...

Did you see the parents that kid belonged to? I always wondered if you'd be able to tell if your kid was ugly or weird or if you'd just think it was great because it was yours. (Although your mocking the soccer and singing abilities gives me hope that parents can still be objective.) I'm thinking you'd know your kid was about six months away from skinning neighbor cats. Did any parents there claim this one?

Moooooog35 said...

Noelle: Just once I'd like to see you comment first, just so I can say:

Oh, you're the first Noelle.

That is all.

Veggie: Britney can't sing?!

You cut me deep right then, Veggie. You cut me deep.

Eva: I should have plenty of time to read that right after I finish working on this cure for cancer.

But, seriously, that article is totally on my list of to do's.

Brutalism: I saw a lot of people taking pictures so I couldn't tell who his parents were. I'm assuming they were all taking photos out of morbid curiosity.

Mrsblogalot said...

Ha!!!!!! Did her in college... pure funny that can only come from the mind of a 12 year old!

Please don't ever grow up!!!!!!...not like you had any plans to or anything....

Kellie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Coffeypot said...

I see that kid in the yellow and I immediately thought of 'The Fly.'

JD at I Do Things said...

If you were just a leeeetle more dedicated, you would have gotten a photo of both the Bee Gee kid and the Steve Buscemi kid. No one would have thought it was suspicious. Unless you were laughing.

But the re-creations are nice.

Miss Yvonne said...

They sang TEN songs??? I would've needed a flask to get through that.

Angela said...

My 10-year old can't sing but thinks he can, too. It annoys the hell out of me. Especially when he gets all soulful and shit.... I don't want to mangle his self esteem, but I don't want to encourage him to do something he sucks at. I end up sending him to an area of the house where he has no audience. That normally stops it temporarily.

UberGrumpy said...

...and fucking funny.

Even if you did include a picture of Simon Cowell (did you know Simon Cowell is almost an anagram of 'Utter Nob-end And Miserable Twat'?)

LMJ said...

LOL!!!

I remember my sister dragging me to my nieces recitals. They couldn't sing or dance, but were always happy to participate. =( I sucked ass trying to be nice and not hurt their feelings when they would ask if I enjoyed the "show."

Malach the Merciless said...

Unfortunately my daughter can sing very well, so I imagine, crappy tryouts for the rest of my life.

Tony Spunk said...

I am picturing the yellow Buscemi/Dahmer offspring as a sort of Timmy from South Park lookalike with a smaller vocabulary. Close?

Jill Pilgrim said...

Honestly, I got to the picture of Hoff and stopped reading. It was just too hot for me.

Christine said...

I have a brother that is totally tone deaf. He is lead singer for a heavy metal band. I would encourage you to push your daughter in that direction.

Logical Libby said...

When I was a kid I took dance lessons. I loved dancing. Then one day, my teacher told my Mom it was a waste of her money and my time to continue.

Now I'm a sarcastic blogger.

You can take what you want from that...

adrienzgirl said...

You have been lying to us all this time huh? You don't live in NE, you are somewhere in the smack dab middle of West Virginia where the water is all fucked up with run off from coal mines and shit and makes offspring ugly as fuck with metal disabilities.

Geez Moog....thanks for all the lies biotch!

Alyssa said...

I think this is one of the best if not the best blog I have ever seen- wow I have a lot to learn about being funny. I guess I should stop writing until I learn a thing or two

Moooooog35 said...

MrsBlogalot: I'm still disturbed on the 'I did her in college' remark.

Kellie: My friend Kristin said she does the SAME thing.

The sex thing. Not the beat up thing.

Maybe both at the same time. She's kind of weird.

Coffey: Jeff Goldblum?

JD: Yeah..because nothing says 'not creepy' like a strange guy taking pictures of your kid.

Miss Yvonne: PTA sells them at the door with proper ID.

Angela: Our area of the house is actually our backyard shed.

Our neighbors HATE us.

Uber: I thought it was an anagram for "I hit Paula twice."

LMJ: That's when the art of lying becomes paramount.

Yes, I used 'paramount' in a sentence.

I'm THAT awesome.

Malach: Is there NOTHING that you're not better at than me? Jesus.

Tony: VERY CLOSE but no wheelchair.

Jill: I know. You should have seen me trying to WRITE it.

Nevermind.

Christine: I probably own one of his CD's.

Logical: Wow..I don't ever remember taking dance lessons.

I did play trombone though.

Ohhhhhhh.

Adrienz: It's only a lie if you don't believe it.

I have no idea what that means.

Alyssa: Yay! More room for me!

And..welcome new readers!

Jennifer Juniper said...

Oh my God, you have a gift for describing the mental poo of an average parent. Amen, brother!

Narm said...

Is it worth your daughter going to school with a serial killer if you get to meet Steve Buscemi?

kys said...

Will your wife ever do a guest post on your blog? You two are a match made in, er, somewhere.

Knucklehead said...

Ah, yes, the yellow shirt kids of the world. Keeping criminal profilers in business since 1942.

lacochran said...

Wait 'til your kids start quoting your blog in therapy sessions. I've said too much.

Moooooog35 said...

Jennifer: Gift? More of a curse, really.

Narm: I KNOW HOW AWESOME WOULD THAT BE?!

Kys: That would be a giant 'no' right there.

Knucklehead: Are you confusing people in yellow shirts with Muslims in airports? I think you may.

lacochran: Every parents' worst nightmare.

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