A few notes from watching my 9-year-old daughter's 'Christmas Chorus Concert' the other night:
1) OMG OMG this is going to fucking suck
Why did I think this was going to suck?
Because my daughter can't sing.
Let me rephrase that.
My daughter sings about as well as Tiger Woods' ability to stay out of random vaginas.
I'm not jealous.
But she thinks she can sing.
This is BAD. VERY. VERY. BAD.
Because when someone THINKS they can sing, they tend to sing constantly. This is exactly how William Hung got started.
Ha. I said 'hung.'
In fact, at one point, she was SO confident in her singing ability that she asked us to drive her to Vegas so she could be on "America's Got Talent."
We said, 'no' of course - because seeing my 9 year old daughter torn apart by David Hasselhoff on live television actually PROBABLY WOULD HAVE BEEN WICKED COOL WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING HOLY SHIT I WONDER IF I'D GET TO MEET THE HOFF!
Hoff or no Hoff, it would be humiliating for her.
So we said 'no.'
Later that night, we found a note that said THIS on our kitchen island:
We crushed her dreams.
Honey, we're your parents.
It's our job.
2) As I scanned the audience I was thinking that 'I can kick his ass and his ass and maybe hers.'
I've started doing this since taking up karate.
I look to see if there are people that I can totally beat the shit out of.
There were definitely some in the audience.
Then I started scanning the adults.
3) What the fuck is that?!
With my daughter singing in the front row, I look up and see this..
Jesus H. Christ....What IS that?!
It was like a young Bee Gee.
I couldn't tell if it was a boy or a girl.
It had a unibrow..and bushy long hair...but appeared to have a moustache (what the fuck, this is, like, fourth grade...oh...maybe it's Italian).
I had no idea.
I was mesmerized.
Until I saw...
4) The kid who looked like Steve Buscemi had sex with Jeffrey Dahmer
Just when I thought kids couldn't look any weirder, the 'small chorus' group breaks out and start singing.
That's when I see him.
Singing in the back row.
Future serial killer.
This kid just looked...wrong.
Like, in ten years from now a string of kids go missing from the neighborhood, this is the guy they're going to pick up in his black van with tinted windows and the words "FREE CANDY" scrawled on the side.
I'm sitting in a chair, and my wife is about 6 feet away in the bleachers.
I look over and she tries mouthing to me:
"Do you see..?"
The she stops mouthing words, and does one of those 'nevermind' waves.
But I know what she's thinking.
Her eyes LIGHT UP WITH EXCITEMENT.
WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING IN THE YELLOW?!?!
5) Oh..this stupid thing isn't as bad as I thought
Luckily for us they only sang ten songs.
Also, the chorus was made up of approximately 736 kids and I'm guessing SOME of them can actually sing because they didn't sound that bad which meant that they were basically singing louder than my daughter and drowning her out.
Speaking of drowning out my daughter, I'm totally keeping an eye on that kid in the yellow.