Dear 2009, Don't Let the Door Hit You on the Way Out | Mental Poo

Thursday, December 31, 2009

Dear 2009, Don't Let the Door Hit You on the Way Out

Before I go and wish you all the same ol' "Happy New Year" shit..

..I thought we'd take a look back at 2009.

Or, as the Chinese call it:

"The Year of the Poo"

Actually, 2009 was officially the Chinese 'Year of the Cow', but if I pull my eyelids back and say 'Year of the Poo' I think I'm covered.

Here are some things that happened...

...and that you may or may not have read here this year.


My Resolutions

I thought I'd try to entertain you with my SECOND vlog..this time, outlining my New Year's resolutions.

Here you.

On a related note: I SUCK.

..and now...

The Videos

This year, I not ONLY outed myself...

(I mean, visually...not the 'I like a wiggly in the brown star way')

..but I also conquered the art of making movies.

Relive the horror - in true stop-motion animation - as I see my boss' hairy nutsack.

I mean...this wasn't even an INTERVIEW for chrissakes.

I also fell in love with a ladybug during a meeting.

So much so that I made a music video tribute to her.

Lucy..wherever you are...this one's for you.

I then regaled you with a tale of how my friends played a trick on me when I was getting laid in college.

Good God, people.


Speaking of God..

I committed blasphemy by making a video which includes, but is not limited to, Seth Rogen and Jack Nicholson sitting at The Last Supper.

I also did my FIRST EVER VLOG...

(short for "video blog" and not "virgin log" as I originally assumed and then quickly destroyed THAT video tape)

...where I debuted my Special Olympics hockey hat and the most annoying toy ever devised.

The Family

My wife taunted me.

(this is not news)

My kids vomited and then pissed all over the walls and then were almost swept out to sea.

(alternate section title: how to wish your life was very very different)

It's how I roll.


I proved I was an asshole to people first by fucking with a coworker during a layoff announcement, and then by admitting to guys in the locker room that if my son ever joins the Boy Scouts, I will promptly kill myself.

I also showed you my doodle.

Not THAT doodle.

THESE doodles.


* wink

And I wonder why I see Human Resources managers so often.

The Agony of Life

I took up karate.

I then promptly pissed off Pinky Tuscadero and broke my fucking hand NOT ONCE, but TWICE.
I'm. Awesome.

I had the worst ever weekend when I decided to do gymnastics with my Harley Davidson.

That was a fucking blast, let me tell ya.

But not as much fun as when my doctor put too much lube on his finger than shoved it in my ass and I had to drive home on the bike.



The fuck.


That should keep you guys busy while I'm off for the rest of the weekend.

We'll see you all on the flip side.

Make it a good one.

Happy New Year, everybody.

Moog out.


Tizroc said...

If it wasn't for the fact that I know your an over dramatic priss I would say that was a rather awful year.

At least we were able to laugh at your pain and suffrage. We always appreciate your battle against evil and erectile dysfunction. Please, don't stop sharing now!

The Peach Tart said...

Happy New Year Moog. I adore you.

Maxie said...

Hey I heard you broke your hand twice.

Not masturbating. You should blog about that sometime.

Unknown said...

You are so demented, I think I'm in love.

Anonymous said...

Happy new year to you tiny crazy guy with the huge cock (see what I did there, I totally made you LEGENDARY). Now I have to go watch/rewatch the videos and try not to spill my coffee. See you in 2010.

MrsBlogAlot said...

If you were this funny in 2009, I can't even imagine what 2010 will bring (but I am dying to find out!)
Happy New Year!

carissajaded said...

Happy New Year Mooooooog. I can never remember how many o's to put in that. I heart your video skills and look forward to at least 10 more next year, you crazy mutha trucker.

Elly Lou said...

There goes any hope of being productive today. Sigh, I better pee before I start the video-a-thon. Off to the dark side I go...

Me-Me King said...

Thanks for the video recap.

You know, the effects of watching too much porn can make you go blind. Ohhhhh, so that's why you wear glasses, got it.

Happy Moooooog Year!!!

Moooooog35 said...

Tizroc: Overdramatic priss?

Yeah..that's probably pretty accurate.

Peach: Back at ya, woman.

Maxie: You work my last nerve.

That's what she said.


Eva: That makes two of us in love with me.

I'm the other one.


Veggie: I have a big rooster?!

Not sure how that makes me legendary, but thanks, I guess.

Mrsblogalot: It's probably all downhill from here.

That's what she said.

BAM! Another example!

Carissa: Six o's. The extra 'o' is for 'savings.'

Elly: Somehow, I fear this is going to turn out to be just like the movie 'The Ring.'

Good luck with that.

Happy New Year everyone!

Moooooog35 said...

Me-Me: You snuck right in there while I was working on everyone else.

That's what she said.


Unknown said...

Without watching the video log, I still think you are hilarious.

Have a Happy New Year.

Amonymous said...

Happy new year, Moooooog.

Hope it's the best ever.

Really, really.

rachaelgking said...

It's been a long, good ride.


How appropriate.

Mr. Condescending said...

I think you become potty trained in 2010, I know it's a longshot but hey!

Anonymous said...

Ha! You had me worried.

Thank goodness it's the UPS guy and not that annoying FreeCreditReport singing guy.

I want to smack that smarmy grin off his face.

I love that t-shirt. It's soooo me.

Vodka Logic said...

I don't know where I got the idea you were from Maine but you sound like a Boston boy... wicked.

Good luck with the not dying thing, sounds like a good resolution to me.

Happy whatever.

Zen Mama said...

Happy new year moog - thanks for being so wonderfully fucking hilarious. Diet coke feels really good when it comes out your nose...thanks for that too - the crucifixion via Bob the Builder did it.

Can't wait to see what 2010 has in store.

Ed said...

Have a Happy & Safe New Year Buddy!

Thanks for the Holiday weekend reading material.

nonamedufus said...

So now you're a film maker. Wow, cool. Just be careful. Look where it got Polanski. Happy 2010, Moooooog, and lighten up on the caption contests!

Moooooog35 said...

Wannabe: You didn't watch it?


All that hour gone to waste!

Amonymous: Thanks! I hope it's the best ever, too.

But then again, I'm biased.

Lilu: Long good ride?

I think you're talking to the wrong person.

Mr. Condescending: I wish.

Quirky: I like wearing that shirt to work for meetings.

At the very least, it's a conversation starter.

Vodka: MAINE?!?! I have teeth.

Born in Mass, but live in New Hampsha, actually.

Wicked awesome.

Zen Mama: You're welcome. Just don't drink Dr. Pepper.

Not cuz it's worse coming out your nose..more because it's just fucking disgusting.

Ed: I'm here for you, Ed.

* points at crotch

Noname: Not letting up on the caption contests.

2010 will be known as the 'year that nonamedufus went down.'

Which is the same as any other year, according to the writing in the men's room.

You should stop writing that shit.

Happy New Year, everyone!

Malach the Merciless said...

Just one year closer to Zombie apocalypse

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Happy New Year, moooooogy. Thanks for making me laugh.

Donnie said...

What a wonderful year it's been! Always warms the cockles (whatever the fuck that is) of the heart to share your memories. Now get the fuck over it because you get to do it all over again in just a few hours!!! So dig it!!!

The What Is said...

damn, this is "mental poop". To be honest, I couldn't make head or tails of that entire post.

Mr. Condescending said...

The response to noname was hilarious.

Mr. Condescending said...

The response to noname was hilarious.

Coffeypot said...

A great walk down memory lane, but you talk funny.

Check out my bolg for a TMI thay you might appreciate.

JD at I Do Things said...

Wow, I really came close to getting through 2009 without seeing the hairy boss balls video.


Happy New Year! (without balls) said...

Thanks for giving all my mental butt burpings a place to feel at home. You're dynamite moog. Happy New Year!

Greeneyezz said...

Oh My! You *did* Out yourself, didn't you??!!!
You look Great, and I think you're taller than 5'1". :)

I Love it!!

And I love your twisted sense of humor!

Mooooog35 - I hope you have a Grand New Year!
Here's to 2010 and another year of hilarious posts.


Ed & Jeanne said...

That's it? You need to do more this next year...come on!!!

Well, my blog roll starts anew tomorrow. I'd be honored if you participate again in 2010. Leave a comment and you're on the blog roll! Thanks for visiting and commenting in 2009. said...

Ah, Moooooog... love the climactic, cinematic explosion of shit over here. What a way to end the year. See you in 2010!

Ducky said...

You tickle my funny bone MOooooog.

Maybe in 2010 I can be half as funny as you?!? It's gonna be hard to beat...


Unfinished Rambler said...

My wife says you're funnier now that she knows what you sound like.

Personally, I now think you're a douche. ;) <-- okay, not really, I already thought that, but love your work.

JenJen said...

I liked this post, Moog.
Happy New Year!

Anonymous said...

Hubby would fucking LOVE that shirt! Oh, yeah, I didn't make the no cussing resolution. But I probably should make the no dying one......

Moooooog35 said...

Malach: Hence my urgent need to sell more shirts.

Steam Me Up: Likewise, woman. Likewise.

Don: Ugh.

Thanks for the visual of your lukewarm cockles.

The What Is: Join the club..and I WROTE the fucking thing.

Mr. Condescending: I'm nothing if not commentastic.

Coffey: No..I don't talk funny. I talk WICKED funny.

Big difference.

JD: Just think how I feel..I saw it in real life.


hiphophippie: "Mental Butt Burpings" would be a great name for a rock band.

Greeneyezz: There comes a time in every man's life where he must just sit back and say, 'COME GET ME YOU CRAZY WOMEN!'

My time was up.

VE: I will swing by, VE. The world's safety depends on it.

CatLady: Explosion of shit? Who had Mexican?

Daffy: I tickle my funny bone, too.

WAY too much.

I forget what we were talking about.

Unfinished: Are you trying to set us up?

I think I read this wrong.

JenJen: I like it too!

*air high five



Too greedy?

The Absent Minded Housewife said... are so NOT FROM UTAH like EVERYONE ELSE I KNOW. (Except for my friend Gina, who is Canadian, and softens her O's, which makes me crave poutine.) Us Utahn's was barn in borns.

I gots a new digital tablet for Christmas. I'm gonna get to that shirt design eventually. I have to clean up all this fuckin' Christmas shit spread all over my fuckin' house first, before I install the fuckin' thing to my fuckin' computer.

I want a webcam.

You have a nice couch.

Amy said...

You're so retarded. I think I love you.

Brutalism said...

Please get at sitcom.

adrienzgirl said...

Happy New Year Moog!

Anonymous said...

Have a great New Year Moog. For 2010 I'd like to see you work on something involving puppets that may or may nor resemble people we know.

Helen McGinn said...

Shit, it's bedtime here; how the hell am I supposed to sleep NOW??

Unknown said...

your going to Hell I hope you know that! You Blasphemer, Just sayin, I seen you vid. on youtube too... Your Hell Bound... God it sucks to be you! Keep up the stinks..Don't know it I'm for real or kidding huh?

meleah rebeccah said...

You cracked me up EVERY SINGLE DAY in 2009. I can't wait to laugh even more in 2010. Happy New Year Moog!

Moooooog35 said...

Becky: It SHOULD be a nice couch. Cost, like, 3 grand. It has down pillows.

I HATE down pillows.

Not sure why I needed to mention that.

OGLADI: That makes two of us.

The mystery is if I'm talking about the 'retarded' or the 'I love you' comment.

Brutalism: Like 'Webster' wasn't enough for you people?

adrienz: Back at ya, woman!

dufmanno: you seriously don't want to see what I do with puppets.

Helen: You aren't. You're supposed to read all my shit. That's the point. wtf.

Cadillac: Oh...just wait til you see the NEXT video.

Meleah: Ugh. Every day?

No pressure, though. Jesus. Thanks a lot.

Tracie said...

I think those t-shirts would be great teacher gifts.

I hope you have an awesome 2010!

Anonymous said...

great read. I would love to follow you on twitter.

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