Before I go and wish you all the same ol' "Happy New Year" shit..
..I thought we'd take a look back at 2009.
Or, as the Chinese call it:
"The Year of the Poo"
Actually, 2009 was officially the Chinese 'Year of the Cow', but if I pull my eyelids back and say 'Year of the Poo' I think I'm covered.
Here are some things that happened...
...and that you may or may not have read here this year.
I thought I'd try to entertain you with my SECOND vlog..this time, outlining my New Year's resolutions.
On a related note: I SUCK.
This year, I not ONLY outed myself...
(I mean, visually...not the 'I like a wiggly in the brown star way')
..but I also conquered the art of making movies.
Relive the horror - in true stop-motion animation - as I see my boss' hairy nutsack.
I mean...this wasn't even an INTERVIEW for chrissakes.
I also fell in love with a ladybug during a meeting.
So much so that I made a music video tribute to her.
Lucy..wherever you are...this one's for you.
I then regaled you with a tale of how my friends played a trick on me when I was getting laid in college.
Good God, people.
HAVE SOME TACT!
Speaking of God..
I committed blasphemy by making a video which includes, but is not limited to, Seth Rogen and Jack Nicholson sitting at The Last Supper.
I also did my FIRST EVER VLOG...
(short for "video blog" and not "virgin log" as I originally assumed and then quickly destroyed THAT video tape)
...where I debuted my Special Olympics hockey hat and the most annoying toy ever devised.
My wife taunted me.
(this is not news)
My kids vomited and then pissed all over the walls and then were almost swept out to sea.
(alternate section title: how to wish your life was very very different)
It's how I roll.
I proved I was an asshole to people first by fucking with a coworker during a layoff announcement, and then by admitting to guys in the locker room that if my son ever joins the Boy Scouts, I will promptly kill myself.
I also showed you my doodle.
Not THAT doodle.
And I wonder why I see Human Resources managers so often.
The Agony of Life
I took up karate.
I then promptly pissed off Pinky Tuscadero and broke my fucking hand NOT ONCE, but TWICE.
I had the worst ever weekend when I decided to do gymnastics with my Harley Davidson.
That was a fucking blast, let me tell ya.
But not as much fun as when my doctor put too much lube on his finger than shoved it in my ass and I had to drive home on the bike.
That should keep you guys busy while I'm off for the rest of the weekend.
We'll see you all on the flip side.
Make it a good one.
Happy New Year, everybody.