Seven Seconds? I Got that Shit BEAT! | Mental Poo

Tuesday, January 05, 2010

Seven Seconds? I Got that Shit BEAT!


Men think about sex every seven seconds.

That's what they say.

That means that in the time I'm done writing this sentence, I'll have thought about putting my P in a V or my P in an A or maybe cloning myself and putting both of my P's in a V and an A or maybe putting my F in an A while my P is in a V or having my P in an M while my T is in a V or, if she's bathed recently, my T in an A.

I had no idea the alphabet was so filthy.

The Letter People were whores.

True story.

Whatever.


I think I'm actually above average on the seven second thing. Like, maybe once every 2 or 3 seconds.

SUCK IT, MORLEY SAFER!

This is in stark contrast to Luke Perry, who is one second below average.

8 Seconds?!

Fucking loser.


The problem is that my wife doesn't think this stuff is funny.

Or appropriate.

Oh..look.

I'm in handcuffs.

But what's weird is that it's okay for HER to talk like this at work or with friends, but when I try, forget it.

This is how that goes:

Wife: "At work today, we were talking about all the old nursery rhymes and how filthy they sound."

Me: "What do you mean?"

Wife: "Like..a lot of them say stuff like, "..when I pet my pussy.." and "..I love my pussy..." There's a lot of stuff that sounds like they're talking about women's pussies."

Me: "Really? Those rhymes all talk about 'pussy?'"

* pause

Wife (glaring): "Don't ever say that word again."

* sigh

Yep.

They're handcuffs alright.

And not the fuzzy kind that I have in the trunk of my car next to the can of ether.


The problem I have here is THAT IS HOW I THINK.

You see..in the time it's taken to get to this point of the post...

I've already thought about P's and V's and A's and maybe some BJ's and DP and DVDA and - in the interest of being really filthy here - redheaded Asian midgets.

It's how I roll.


But you'd figure she'd know this by now and be used to it.

Case in point:

We were out with the kids the other night at a local furniture store.

Said furniture store has an ice cream parlor AND 'water fireworks' INSIDE THE BUILDING.

You know...the 'water fireworks' are like the ones in Vegas that you see in the movies except Nicolas Cage isn't there and my herpes is in remission.

Perhaps I've said too much.


Regardless, we are sitting FRONT ROW at the water fireworks, eating our ice cream.

We're getting spritzed every so often.

At one point, my wife - eating her ice cream - looks at me and says:

Wife: "Ugh..I'm getting wet."

I look up.

Me: "Wow. Ice cream's that good?"

* cricket

Um.

Oh.

Wife: "REALLY?!"

Yeah.

Really.

How she doesn't see this shit coming is beyond me.

She's just lucky I didn't say what I was really thinking.

Which involved taking a scoop of that Butter Pecan and doing all kinds of freaky nursery rhyme shit with it.

Oh..OH...

...just thought of a different thing to do!

Wow.

I've got that seven seconds thing beaten by at least half.

I'm awesome.

67 comments:

GingerMandy said...

i had to urban dictionary "dvda."

i love how i NEVER leave your blog without learning something new. you're like sesame street!

The Princess of Sarcasm said...

Here are more letters for you...

T M I

And you and the prince would get along famously. I keep asking him what he wants for dinner or what does he want to do today and immediately wish I could suck the words back in. You'd think I'd learn to shut up. But then again, I'm a chick. We can't shut up.

Travis said...

Dude.

You really know how to drive a manual transmission, don't you?

Coffeypot said...

I also think about sex every one second or so. My wife says I have to get my sex drive lowered. I have to find some way to get it lowered from my head to my mini-me without a little blue pill or 40.

JenJen said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
M K said...

for the love of all that is sweet and holy, some things are remarkably more clear to me now...

and I'm with your wife, for the record.

JenJen said...

Helpful if I could spell. Where's the spell check in the comments?!

Anyway. My comment was awesome and now, I can't replicate it because I'm only awesome on a whim.
damn.
I liked the brain. Funny shit as usual! I'd like to see what your rendition of a female noggin looks like, you know, for comparison purposes.

LBluca77 said...

I think about sex like every 2.5 seconds. But then again I am a giant whore.

Ed Adams said...

Women can say that shit all day, but not us.

Oh NO! We men can only use proper terms.

It's like when black people call each other the N word, but when we do it, we're all racist and shit.

That's bullshit!

I wear this hood because my ears get cold, bitch.

Don said...

I always recite the alphabet while having sex. It's kind of like the "Yea, I walk through the valley of..." thing. Except it's more educational. I try to see if I can last until the T's. So far I'm up to the P's. I won't stop having sex just because I reach the Z's. Hell, I may even learn a new fucking language!!!

nonamedufus said...

Hey, you told me this blog was about mental poo. Were you pulling my leg? *wink, wink* (look at that...it took me 2 seconds to mention a HJ)

Me-Me King said...

If my third husband had recited the alphabet like Don, I think he would have made it all the way up to "J". I know, you probably feel sad for me.

Stacie's Madness said...

omg, i love this post...

Stacie's Madness said...

or is it YOUR post I love...

brookeamanda said...

I was starting to get turned on by all this dirty talk, then I saw the herpe lesion pic and it snapped me back to reality.

Moooooog35 said...

Ginger: I was thinking more like Electric Company.

No idea why.

Princess: Ha. You said 'suck.'

Travis: I could be an all-star off-roader, dude.

Coffey: Yeah..when you figure out how to do that, clue me in on it.

M K: You're with my wife? Is she pissed? She's pissed, right?

Knew it.

JenJen: The female brain would just have two parts: One with the exact location of every Payless Shoe store within a 10 mile radius, and the other would be the 'bad driving lobe.'

Lbluca: You're just trying to get 5 million followers, aren't you?

Ed:

* blink

Don: P? You sir, are my hero.

nonamedufus: Dude, if this isn't weird shit, I'm not sure what is.

Me-Me: We were married before?!

Stacie: Tell your friends! Buy a mug!

Or just, you know, buy a mug.

Someone? Anyone?

Brookeamanda: Yeah. I get that reaction a lot.

The Peach Tart said...

Moog. I don't care much for the photo of the herpes sores. I can sooooo do without that image but other than that....sex and lust are all good all the time.

Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts said...

What if a woman thinks about sex every 2 seconds? What does that make us?

Joker_SATX said...

That being said, I would last about 3 out of those 7 seconds at your place. Your wife would drop me like a bad habit!

Joel Klebanoff said...

It took me WAY too long to read this post. I kept getting distracted thinking about sex.

And, don't you think about B's? You didn't mention B's. I think about B's a lot. Of course, "C" could fill in for either "P" or "V". Hell, before you know it you could have the whole (or the hole) alphabet in play.

We're talking about sex, right? My mind wandered.

LiLu said...

"Dangerous pursuits"?

B always tells me how he imagines dangerous situations everywhere he goes, and what tactic he would take to fight it off.

Guys are SO WEIRD.

Moooooog35 said...

Peach: I'm sorry about the herpes photo.

Believe it or not, I've written that sentence before.

Tee: Hopefully, available.

Joker: I'm surprised I've survived this long.

Joel: What's a B?

So. Many. Possibilities.

Lilu: Um..what post did YOU just read?

Brutalism said...

One time my husband got his Q stuck in my X. We'll never do that again. With each other, anyway.

I totally remember those (filthy, degenerate) letter people from when I was a kid.

Mae Rae said...

okay, that was way too funny. I have 7 brothers and seriously if your wife cant see it coming by now...well she has to expect that it will come.

HA, read that one and not think!

Yankee Girl said...

Pussy is one of my favorite words and I high five whoever I hear use it. So high fives to you.

My husband will use any opportunity to talk about sex and that's ok with me. Like I said, I like pussy. The word, that is.

Joel Klebanoff said...

Moooooog35: B? Boobs. Breasts. Take your pick. You've honestly never fixated on them? Hmm. Maybe it's just me.

Daffy said...

you may totally be on to something! What? that's the dog? Get the hell off!

Anystick, you should totally pimp this fucking letter people thing to the Porn kings...you could make BILLIONS! Then your wife would totally have to have RICH BILLIONAIRE HUSBAND sex with you.

Eva Gallant said...

I think I need a study guide to read this post. Are there Cliff Notes for Mental Poo's posts? I'm with you on the P, V, BJ, A, and B, but I start to get lost after that!

LMJ said...

LOL!
The picture of the brain describes my husband EXACTLY as he is! =P

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

You totally lost me with the alphabet stuff...but umm yeah, crickets...

Moooooog35 said...

Brutalism: Was it his whole Q, or just the Q tip?

Mae Rae: 7 brothers?

Parents bang much?

Jesus.

Yankee: I MUST AVERT MY EYES!! TOO MUCH P! TOO MUCH P!

That's what she said.

Never.

Joel: Okay...was thinking balls, balloons, boys.

Never know with you, Joel. We never know.

Daffy: Take the Letter People Porn, everyone.

Spread the word.

ha. I said 'spread.'

Eva: That's why God invented Google. It was either him, or Google.

LMJ: Um..we're men. We're all like this.

Except the gay ones. They have a giant spot for see-through tank tops for some reason.

Lee: So much to learn, young grasshopper. So much to learn.

Jules said...

As a teacher, let me tell you that we make fun of the Letter People.... They are sexually active with each other.

Just Another Momma said...

You're always so full of these . . fun facts.

Secretia said...

Obviously you must be one of those ALPHA-males I've heard about!

hiphophippie.com said...

Um, total radness.

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

I'm pretty sure DVDA is where I have to go tomorrow to get my driver's license renewed.

meleah rebeccah said...

I dont think I would have gotten PISSED at your comment about your wife getting wet - but then again I am NOT married to you!

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

Yeah, I'm gonna have to go look up DVDA too, so if you'll excuse me...

CatLadyLarew said...

Today's Mental Poo episode is brought to you by the letters P, V and A.

Malach the Merciless said...

I'd smack the wife up Shawne Merriman style.

Dual Mom said...

It must be tough being a man :0)

SupahMommy said...

the last part about the nursery rhyme was killah.

xoxo
supah

BugginWord said...

You need to throw some ATM in that alphabet soup.

Moooooog35 said...

Jules: I KNEW IT!

Dirty, dirty alphabet.

Just another: I know. Creepy, right?

Secretia: ALPHAbetical. But I think that's where you were going with that anyway.

hiphop: word.

?

Mary: Oh, woman. You're in for quite the surprise, then.

Meleah: SEE? SOMETHING to be happy about, right?

Nanny: Maybe I should have put a disclaimer up top...

Catlady: I HAVE SPONSORS?!? AM I RICH?!

Malach: I had no idea you played football.

NICE.

Dual Mom: You have no idea.

Neither do I.

Supah: Yep. Welcome to my head.

That's what she said.

That makes no sense at all.

Buggin: OOOH..money WOULD be a nice touch.

Good call.

BugginWord said...

Shared your post with my husband who then spent five minutes explaining how DVDA is the holy grail of internet porn and that NO ONE HAS EVER FOUND A PICTURE. Like the one in my head isn't frightening enough.

adrienzgirl said...

ABC's of Moog = Sexual Predator Listing

Just sayin'

WannabeVirginia W. said...

Four letters: ADHD.. You are funny!

What is DVDA? Really? another crap I have to look up!

The Princess of Sarcasm said...

Yeah, I figured you'd catch that. It was my little "lay up" for you.

And again.....

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

You raise an interesting point, Midget Man. The 7-second rule, for example, has often....Oh, fuck it. Look, I think the commenter LBluca77 is going to get a lot of visitors to her blog. Most of them will be male, and almost all of them will be very interested in seeing which females also show up.

Vodka Logic said...

Lost me on some of those letters but I have a good imagination so no mind.

Your poor wife,,but what you may not know is she is prob thinking about sex every 5 sec, just with someone else.... lol..

Stop by I have an award for you

Mai said...

I feel like I could've written this and posted it as my own... granted, Ps would have to be swapped with Vs, etc. But I'm sure you get the point. Lucky you for being a guy and being able to share such wonders with the world. Damn that evil vagina of mine! I even mention I have the same problem and I'm suddenly being followed home. Does your spouse think you're a deviant too? Hahaha. I guess some of us were just meant to live life out in agony ;)

Moooooog35 said...

Buggin: I have a picture of it.

I don't look flattering in it, but whatever.

Adrienz: NARC!

WannaB: Go ahead..look it up. Your pelvis will never feel the same again.

Princess: You're making this too easy.

That's what he said.

MikeWJ: Lbluca is always worth a visit.

Sometimes, she doesn't even charge you.

Vodka: I will put the award on my awards page very soon..thank you!

I'm totally not surprised about the 5 second thing, FYI.

Mai: Replace P's with V's?

How do you put a V in a V? Are there such things as 'outie V's?'

So. Confused.

Jessica said...

Ummmm....yah. I got nothing.

You make yourself sound...well, just like my husband? And now I'm not even sure if that's good or bad? Awesome.

Mr. Condescending said...

I don't like how big the caring part of youe brain is. I would suggest reducing it and filling in the space with more of "lesbian sex."

mepsipax said...

Really? Yeah really. I have said that shit so many times. Like you said, you think they would learn. Oh and I awarded you something totally pointless on my blog. You could grace me with your presence. Or not. Fine I hate you.

alexa - cleveland's a plum said...

thank you for bringing luke perry into my life this morning.

now go put your p in someone's v

Jay Ferris said...

This is exactly why I swear around my children as much as I do; to desensitize them to the power of words. I've also been slipping a intermittently increasing dose of arsenic into their juice to ensure they have a superhuman-like tolerance to the stuff. Just don't drink from any of the Star Wars cups in my house.

JD at I Do Things said...

My A is tingling in terror after seeing that picture of Luke Perry.

And then Nicolas Cage? What are you trying to do?

I am the opposite of wet.

VE said...

Every time you think about sex, Tiger's bagged another one!

kys said...

I was thinking 7 seconds seemed low for you.

Miss Yvonne said...

I'm pretty sure the 80's hair band part of my husband's brain is WAY bigger than yours.

Dead Hand Mai said...

I don't have a P, I have a V. So if I were to have written this, I can't very well put my P in any V... well, unless it's latex and strapped on, I suppose. And you're right, you can't put a V in a V, but you can connect them with a fake P, if it's double ended of course. The thought of an outie V is very scary. Knowing they exist is even worse. Seeing one for the first time is completely horrifying. But eh, it'[s not mine so who cares.

Maxie said...

Did you just put your toe somewhere?

or your tongue.

Both of them disturb me.

Moooooog35 said...

Jessica: SURPRISE! I AM your husband.

Mr. Condescending: Lesbian sex actually fills up my entire brain, but I didn't want to come off too creepy.

Mepsipax: So sweet. I hate you, too.

Alexa: He should be thankful..it's probably the only time it will happen today.

Jay: OMG OMG OMG YOU HAVE STAR WARS CUPS?!?!

So. Jealous.

JD: Your A is tingling?

That may actually be a hemorrhoid.

VE: Just like when an angel gets it's wings.

Magical.

Kys: 7 seconds is actually pushing it.

Miss Yvonne: DO I HEAR A CHALLENGE?!?!

Mai:

* blink

Maxie: I know..I should have included a pie chart.

Ha. I said 'pie.'

Anonymous said...

So, I sent the picture of your brain to my boyfriend because it was funny as hell. This is the response I got:

"That should be your brain.

Oh if your mom is out of the house this weekend we can hook up the VCR and watch porn and f-ck a lot."

Have you been talking to my boyfriend? I'm a lucky girl!

Malicious Intent said...

This is kinda tragic.
You think about sex every 2 or 3 seconds...and pretty creative stuff to. But your wife has you beat about thinking on how NOT to have sex with you every 1 to 2 seconds.

You have a serious conflict of interest here. Wow.

onemixedbag.com said...

I just can't see how you are still single. *howling* I didn't even know there were red headed asian midgets. Go figure. That is my, "I learned something new today." *lol*

Related Posts with Thumbnails