Doggone Excuses | Mental Poo

Monday, January 25, 2010

Doggone Excuses


"..and really, officer...how could you press charges on this?"

Let me explain.

When my dog died last year, we went out and got ourselves a new dog.

When that dog didn't work out, we got two more until we FINALLY found one that fit.

Sometimes, you have to commit a few animals to death before you find one you can live with.

It's like the whole "making omelets/breaking eggs thing" but it involves kill shelters.

I'm totally putting that on a billboard.

Magical.


Regardless, we ended up with Sophie.

Sophie.

Eats.

EVERYTHING.

Blankets, cushions, chairs, toys, remote controls, tissues...

It's almost easier to list shit that she HASN'T tried to eat.

Let's try that.

Here's a complete list of things Sophie HASN'T eaten:

1) Tokyo.

I think that's pretty much it.

The problem is that we've tried to discipline her and teach her NOT to eat things.

Here's how that goes:

1) Walk into house

2) See this:


OH WHAT THE FUCK.

It's at this point we do something like this:

"SOPHIE!! BAD GIRL!! BAD. GIRL!!"

At which point, Sophie does...

THIS:


"SOPHIE YOU'Re a bad..awww...oh who's my girl? Are you my girl? Yes you are! Yes you are!"

Hey.

Wait.

What the fuck just happened?

You immediately start to yell at her and *PLOP* down she goes all cute and shit.

There is no defense.

3) Go into a different room

4) See THIS:


OHMYGOD SONOFABITCH.

"SO-PHIIIEEE! SOPHIE YOU ARE A BAD, BAD..."


Shit.

"THAT'S A BAD BAD Girl awwww who's daddy's cutie? Is it you? Yes it is. Yes it is. I got your belly."

I don't even know who I am any more.

5) From the kitchen...

Wife: "OH, SOPHIE!"


We should have just kept the hamsters.

"SOPHIE?!? REALLY?!? WHY CAN'T WE JUST LEAVE YOU ALONE FOR..."


"..JUST an hour or...oh..oh look how CUTE you are! Who's daddy's girl? YOU ARE! Yes you are..I'm gonna get that belly! Yes I am! Yes I am!"

* blink

If Al Qaeda ever figures out how to do this WE'RE FUCKED.


Hm.

Maybe we should keep this under wraps.

National security and all.

55 comments:

Mrsblogalot said...

You kill me. Every time! Never fails.

At least Sophie didn't destroy the undetectable ass sweat stain with her powerful belly!

So you'll be sure to have a next time.

JenJen said...

What a softie you are...I love it!

Mike said...

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

I have one just like that, except, you know, she doesn't eat the house.

She eats the neighbors houses.

A little extra training goes a long way.

Mike said...

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

I have one just like that, except, you know, she doesn't eat the house.

She eats the neighbors houses.

A little extra training goes a long way.

Mike said...

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

I have one just like that, except, you know, she doesn't eat the house.

She eats the neighbors houses.

A little extra training goes a long way.

Mike said...

Oopps. Seems I have an itchy trigger finger.

Sorry.

adrienzgirl said...

We have four Chihuahuas and they can be as bad as they want. All they have to do is crawl up on the hubs chest and lick his face and he is a puddle of goo, just like you.

Sad....

Ed Adams said...

Used to be the same way at my house.

Now, after three kids, the dog is walking around going, "What the fuck happened to this place? BAD KIDS, BAD!"

Just A Girl said...

My dog isn't cute enough to pull that shit. She rolls up with her one eye and her snaggletooth and I'm like "YO! WHY DID YOU POOP ON THE FLOOR, JERK?!" And then she starts that chihuahua shiver thing and licks my nose and then I'm like "Oook, I love you...who's my princess? Are you my pretty pretty princess?"

I'm a sucker.

Elly Lou said...

We ladies have a similar trick - though it does not necessarily involve bellies.

The Princess of Sarcasm said...

I'm betting when you are mad at your wife and she contorts her body like that...you start rubbing her...ummm....belly.....and totally forget that you are mad. Suckahs.....

Daffy said...

Stop blaming the dog you asshat!

Eva Gallant said...

Too funny! and she is kinda' irrisistable!

ClaireMontgomeryMD said...

i've used sophie's method. it works every time. flawless!

Moooooog35 said...

Mrsblogalot: I actually think that's HER ass sweat stain. Yes, my dog watches Cinemax porn. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

JenJen: Maybe you missed the part about the kill shelters.

Mike: Training? I have better things to do, like, eat chips and shit.

adrienz: Four chihuahuas? I thought you had dogs?

Ed: Kids. They ruin EVERYTHING.

Just A Girl: More chihuahuas? WTF is with all these Mexicans?

Elly: I know. But that's an entirely different blog post.

Princess: Yes. That's what happens.

Daffy: YOU'RE GIVING ME AWAY! WTF?!

Eva: I know..it's irritating.

Claire: You eat the couch, too?

LBluca77 said...

You should have gotten a goldfish.

Don said...

This reminds me...need to drop HBO and Cinemax from cable. Thanks!

Vodka Logic said...

If you didn't kill this one what did the ones do that you did kill...omg!!

Me-Me King said...

Sophie? You named your dog Sophie?

mepsipax said...

Ah... moog. You are like a bad STD. You try not to catch it but then that one girl is so hot... ahem. Where was I going with that? Oh yeah, you are the shit. I laugh my ass off every time I read your posts. And another thing. Can I "Steal" on of your posts for my "Taken Tuesday" blog? It is an honor I assure you.

bikramyogachick said...

Wow, I'm wondering what the two did that you had to send back!

Travis said...

Geez...

Is that a...

...a heart?!

Under all that Moogness, beats a heart!

I'm impressed.

But the trick is, see, when they show their belly, you gut them.

It teaches other dogs and small children a lesson.

Linnnn said...

My dog eats my daughter's thong underwear like spaghetti. The dirtier the better and right out of the laundry hamper. Because I don't approve of her wearing thong underwear, my daughter accuses me of "disappearing" them. Bad Janie! Bad, bad Janie!

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

Awwww...nothing like a dogs belly to take away the mad. Dogs are the BEST!

Brutalism said...

Nature's defense. It's why our cats are still alive after doing the itchy butt boogie on our white carpet and vomiting all over the house. (Yes, the CATS. Like you, my story and I'm sticking to it.)

kate said...

Kennel training is a beautiful thing. My dog used to be left out while we were gone...that is, until I got home one afternoon to find that he had eaten a box of Girl Scout cookies (box and all), a box of Kleenex, one of my husband's grad school text books, two pillows, the TV remote, an iPod and a bottle of my roommate's prescription blood pressure medication. After a VERY expensive trip to the emergency vet to have his stomach pumped, putting him in a kennel while we were gone seemed like the best thing for everyone.

Moooooog35 said...

lbluca: We did.

It ate the table.

I think we need to find a different pet store.

Don: You're welcome! Come again!

That's what she said.

Vodka: They weren't cute enough.

Me-Me: What the Hell is wrong with Sophie?

No, seriously. I want to know. She has issues.

mepsipax: I'm like an STD because I'm the shit?

Where are you putting your penis, dude?

bikram: I can't divulge until the lawyers have settled.

Travis: I see we've had no transference of said heart here.

Linnn: Um..'the dirtier the better?' WTF is your daughter doing in her underwear?!?!

Lee: Dogs ARE the best. Well..just mine. The rest all suck.

Brutalism: Itchy butts and vomiting? WTF are you feeding them, homeless?

Kate: Whenever we leave now she's in her kennel. Which she has bent beyond all recognition..like the shark cage they pull up out of the water after Hooper's in it and Jaws beats the crap out of it.

Just, you know..a lot smaller.

SPEAKING FROM THE CRIB said...

hey dumb ass - it's called a cage. utilize it asap and quit yer bitchin

Kris said...

Soooo, was it YOUR ass sweat stain or Sophie's ass sweat stain? I mean, she DOES have a vibrator chew toy.

Wait. I'm certain I don't need an answer....

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

This is exactly why I don't go and get a dog.

Miss Yvonne said...

My cats have figured this strategy out too. They are probably in on it together with Sophie. We're fucked.

Coffeypot said...

I love dog bellies..especially deep fried with a cold beer.

Chris@Knucklehead said...

We have Sophie's doppelganger, but it's a guy dog named Newton. He does the "submissive" routine also.

But if he ever eats the couch, I'm killing him. Pronto.

Colby said...

My dog's poo was green the other day. Irish green. She prefers to eat everything other than her dogfood, including the sofa.

CatLadyLarew said...

Don't you just hate it when they do that... go all cute and shit on you.
(BTW... love the new Dog Toy video!)

Malach the Merciless said...

Cats are SO MUCH easier

KeepingYouAwake said...

Oh man, I have the same problem with my dog. Most recently she pulled the steel bars out of her kennel and chewed up the bathroom door knob.

If you find a solution, TELL ME!

Charm City Barfly said...

She's so adorable!

Dumper said...

If Al-Qaeda ever got dogs on their side, our allies China would loan us the Red Army. In 2 weeks the Red Army would turn every dog in the country into stir-fry.

meleah rebeccah said...

Awwwww! Sophie is truly adorable! Its easy to see why you fall for her cuteness.

LivingDeadNurse said...

despite the fact she is eating you out of house and home literally...i loved how you portrayed her...lol

I have 8 dogs..lol so i feel your pain

Maxie said...

I spent a month housesitting for these women while they went on vacation in florida. When they got back their couch looked pretty much like the picture you posted.

I did not get paid. It was awesome.

Wym said...

Obviously you pay no attention to the massive smear campaign I have against pets. EVIL PETS. I tell you, they will ruin us all.

Secretia said...

That's a little mischief-maker!

crestere said...

ha ha ha, it reminds me of Cora, one of the dogs from my childhood... lool

Moooooog35 said...

Speaking: But then how would I get such lovely comments?!?

Kris: I plead the fifth.

Mjenks: That, plus all the sexual tension.

Yvonne: They've infiltrated the cat population, too?!?

Coffey: You're Asian?

Chris: You're gonna make me go Google 'doppleganger' now, aren't you?

Colby: Great news. Thanks for sharing.

CatLady: It is the epitomy of evil.

Malach: And juicier!

Keeping: She ate your knob? Been there. Usually requires peanut butter, though.

Moooooog35 said...

Charm: Thanks. We paid a lot for her plastic surgery to get her JUST right.

Dumper: Dude. You just completely gave away this year's '24' plotline.

Meleah: It's actually her teeny tiny nipples that make her so adorable. The dog we tried before her looked like a stripper in Alaska.

Eerie.

Living: 8 DOGS?! That's a lot of doo doo.

Maxie: I think this begs the question: Did the dogs do that?

Seriously. I have my doubts with all your blackouts and such.

Wym: If it wasn't for evil pets, there would be no such thing as good badgers.

I have not a single clue what that means.

Secretia: That's what she said.

What?

Crestere: YOU CAN'T HAVE HER!

Fine. For, like, 2 grand you can.

I take PayPal.

Laurie said...

I don't trust anything that doesn't claim their own farts.

Buggys said...

It's the name, bad karma comes along with that namw. Oh, and a whole lotta cute too. My moms dog is also Sophie. Piles of cute and really naughty.

Kellie said...

She is so cute. My dog has the whole guilty act down pat too. He starts shaking like he is scared as hell and cowering down like we beat the shit out of him. He's the most spoiled dog ever and we don't beat him. I don't know how he pulls this off but I am immediately no longer pissed. Damn him and his cuteness.

Summer said...

I have a basset who destroys everything 1 foot off the ground and below. Then he gives the sad eye face. No really, we're apologized to him for questioning him about the 30 toys he's ingested.

Jen said...

My current dog is too stupid to play the submissive game but all he ever chews on is the daughter's bubble gum and then he just shits bubbles out of his ass. It's actually kinda interesting and fun to watch.

What happened to Sophie's ears?

Is she part Dalmation? If so that might explain a lot, you just have to wait for her to grow out of it, which she really wont. We had a Dalmation that chased rocks all day long. He has no teeth left. He also was diagnosed with OCD. Medication helped.

Hissyfits & Halos said...

You're a sucker!! My husband would probably shoot one of our dogs if they chewed up the couch. (maybe even one of the kids, if they tried it! lol) We have a wolf and a pom. Anytime you scold the pom, she goes down on the floor just like Sophie. But, she pees fear....all over the freakin' floor. Ugh.

Following you from Lee's. Great blog yah got here. :)

Wicked Shawn said...

Ok, really, I'm wanting a fucking dog, love of my life is totally confused, he walks by me and I go shrinking your page and panicking like a teen looking at porn, only he knows I'm not looking at porn or I would be making him watch with me. WTF??!! Stop posting this shit without warnings, if he sees it I will never get my damn dog!! He will start using Sophie against me. I'm never going to give enough head to get the mastiff of my dreams........*sigh*

Kate said...

What? NO one has yet mentioned the obvious? That all she has to do is lie down on her back and spread her legs and you melt? Duh. She knows the deal.

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