Human Resources is on Line One | Mental Poo

Thursday, January 07, 2010

Human Resources is on Line One


Envelope.

PUSHED.


It's what cookie season does to me.

Girl Scout Cookie season.

Yeah.

I'm the father of a Girl Scout.

Yay. Me.

So, as part of my fatherly duties, I have to do the whole 'bring the form into work and pimp the shit out of these cookies.'

HOW I get them sold, though...

...is an art form in and of itself.

Like many Nigerians with bad grammar looking to give away their fortune...

I prefer to solicit people using email.

I'm still waiting to hear back from Niknuk Pokalok who has bestooned upon me the sum of $10,50 k euros dollars in haste, but whatever.


But I need to top myself year after year.

It makes me a better person.

And by 'better' I mean 'much, much worse.'

Here is the actual email I sent out this year to my coworkers.

No shit.

**********************

Well,

It’s that time of year again where I make a plea on behalf of my daughter to try to sell Girl Scout cookies.

I know the economy is bad.

I know that the holidays are just finishing and you probably feel fat and stuff and are all, like, ‘COOKIES?! NOW?! I just had pie for two weeks straight!’

But if you don’t buy at least one box of cookies from my daughter you will crush. Her. Soul.

Also, I may do harm to a small animal if it really comes to that. *

You don’t want all that hanging over your conscience, do you?

I wouldn’t. That’s why I’ve bought two boxes myself.

Seriously, this is a cute kitty. She doesn’t deserve it. *

I have the order form at my desk or – if you’re interested – let me know and I’ll swing by.

Cookies are $3.50 a box, or two for $7.00.

(I did the math FOR you! See how easy I make it!)

Buy a cookie. Save a kitten.

Thanks in advance!

P.S,

* I’m TOTALLY just kidding about the kitten. I’m allergic to cats.

The ‘crushing my daughter’s soul’ thing though is totally legit.

Rod


**********************

Then I sent it.

Yes, I threatened to hurt a kitten in an email about Girl Scout cookies.

Then I waited for Human Resources to show up.

They didn't.

?!?!?

TASTELESSNESS WIN! THAT'S HOW YOU DO IT, KATHY GRIFFIN! SUCK MY TOES!


So here's to seeing if I top the 40 boxes of cookies I sold last year by telling them to buy cookies instead of helping starving Ethiopians.

You know, the whole 'have to top myself' thing.

That's what she said.

That made no sense.

Buy a cookie. Save a kitten.

There.

That's better.

Moog out.

53 comments:

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

We are brownie drop outs and damn proud of it. Of course, that doesn't mean we don't get hit up for cookies by other non drop outs. I think I still have some thin mints in the freezer...

The Peach Tart said...

Being that I was the Girl Scout cookies sales champion about a few centuries ago, I always support the Girl Scouts and buy their just slather it on your thighs goodness. Pimp it out Moog.

Maxie said...

1) will you mail me the cookies? Beacause if so I'll take 2 boxes of thin mints.

2) god, i knew you were into toes.

BigSis said...

Of all the things I've read on your blog, I'd say HR would have the LEAST number of issues with this one :)

Mr. Condescending said...

Depends on how fluffy the kitten is.

carissajaded said...

Man I would so order those peanut butter chocolate ones. And now I'm craving one. OH but I don't have to worry... bc there are like 5 guys at my work with 2 daughters each whom I will have to buy a box of cookies from. They all bring their kids up to work and one after one they come to my desk with a little form and a sad face. How could I buy a box from one land not the others??

Logical Libby said...

In my office we have three Girl Scout parents. This time of year is a turf war between them. Last year I swear they were wearing gang colors.

avalanche said...

I always thought that "Tagalongs" was such a loser name for a cookie. That's like the cookie that you allow to hang around so you can get with it's hotter sister... Samoas.

JenJen said...

I bought 12 boxes from my friends' kid.
Those carmel delights (samoas? tagalongs? wtf?) are my favvvvvorite.
mmmm mmmm mmm

Moooooog35 said...

Lee: Those cookies last forever. Cockroaches will feast upon them after the apocalypse.

Peach: I be pimpin'. I be pimpin'.

Maxie: I will gladly mail you two boxes if you'll stop talking about toes.

..and pay shipping and handling.

BigSis: You know..that's probably true.

Mr. Condescending: I almost lost a cookie deal because of a guy who hated cats.

Carissa: HOLY SHIT! You know...you think of exploiting your kids for a Bible Wii Video and never think to use them to increase cookie sales.

GENIUS!

Logical: No, seriously. It gets violent. I once shiv'd a guy who undercut me by 50 cents a box.

Avalanche: I thought Samoas were big fat guys who play football.

The more you know.

JenJen: 12 boxes?

That's, like, 460 dollars.

Can I borrow some money?

Ed Adams said...

If you will ship your daughter's cookies, I'll buy some.

What, that sounded wrong.

I meant the Girl Scout Cookies.

I used to buy some from a guy her, but his kid finally grew up or something. I don't know, they might have quit the scouts because of them letting the lesbians in or something.

Regardless, see what it would cost to ship like 5 boxes of thin mints and 2 boxes of samoas to Indiana.

The Princess of Sarcasm said...

I actually get excited when cookie time rolls around!!! I buy a crap load since I love them and can't get them but one time a year. The prince thinks the boys scouts are doing it all wrong though. Who wants freaking popcorn you can buy anywhere?! He thinks when the girl scouts set up their tables at the local bank, grocery store, strip club.....the boy scouts should set up a table selling glasses of ice cold milk. Brilliant.

Susan said...

I will walk out of my way to avoid girl scout cookie sellers... what happened to having the kids actually do the selling anymore???!! And thankfully, I hate cats. Even kittens. I'm off the hook yet once again.

Wym said...

Why dodnt you pimp them on your site? I need me some thin mints.

Travis said...

Thank god I'm not the only one who thinks Kathy Griffin is hot. I really thought I was.

Don't bail on me now, doucher.

Mike said...

The harm to a small animal, that's you smashing your penis right? And when I say smashing your penis, I mean the even more pervasive masturbation, right?

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Apparently, I'm now the father of a girl scout, too.

Just in time to sell cookies.

Fabulous timing, wife. Fabulous timing...

Moooooog35 said...

Ed: If I have to calculate shipping and all that shit, then she's getting stuck with the 'I only sold 12 boxes' consolation badge.

Sorry.

Princess: I know..popcorn, right? I guess we've finally found the one area where the boys are behind the girls.

You may proceed.

Susan: TERRORIST!

Wym: wtf is up with you people and the Thin Mints? Frozen Do-Si-Do's are where it's at, people.

Travis: She is hot. I love the way she sounds like she has Emphysema.

Mike: What's wrong with you?

Mjenks: Oh, dude. You've entered the void.

That's what she said.

hiphophippie.com said...

Oh thank god I don't live near you or else I'd weigh 8 gazillion pounds. As for the girl scouts here in LA, well they can suck it.

Me-Me King said...

Only two weeks of pie? Shit, I've had 6 weeks of pie. Trust me, cookies are the last thing on my mind.

Good luck with your Girl Scout pimping.

Daffy said...

Pimpin a Girl Scout's Cookie...

I'm pretty sure people have gone to jail for far less

LBluca77 said...

"Cookies are $3.50 a box, or two for $7.00."

Thanks for the math lesson...dick.

The GS in my neighborhood stand outside of bars selling the cookies. It's genius.

Mrsblogalot said...

God save the kittens!!!!!

put me down for two for however much!

HR's got nothing on your process of manipulation

Yankee Girl said...

That email is much better than the one I got from my boss. If I got your email I would order at least 3 boxes. My bosses daughter is SOL though.

Moooooog35 said...

hiphop: That last sentence is wrong in, like, 15 different ways.

Me-Me: Six weeks of pie?!

Tis a lot of pie, woman.

That's what she said.

WORKS. EVERYWHERE.

Daffy: Been there.

What?

Lbluca: You're blonde and live in California, right?

You were my target audience for that equation.

Mrsblogalot: I'm luck a puppeteer of cookies.

Yankee: Feel free to forward it to your boss with a 'maybe next time' tag.

Matt said...

Dude. Put me down for a box of tagalongs.

bikramyogachick said...

Guilt. Always. Works.

Coffeypot said...

If you think Kathy Griffin is hot, you need yours eyes sucked out. Kill the damn cat, send you daughter to therapy, I don't like GS Cookies.

The Queen said...

Here at the castle, I ordered four boxes from the little girl next door. I hate cookies, but I swear that little sh#t had an automatic weapon under her coat.. so I asked no questions and just marked 4 spots..

Eva Gallant said...

Thgin mints are awesome! Do you take paypal?

LiLu said...

You should totally put the cookies in your merchandise and plaster the "moog" icon over them. I'm sure that's completely legal.

Joker_SATX said...

Samoas Rule!

I horde boxes of those just on principle.

Sorry you have to go through that...Here I was thinking that the Girls Scouts will rule the world...all they need do is keep selling Samoas.

Toe said...

OmG is it really Girl Scout Cookie Season?! They acost me at the stores, they harass you at work, they eat brains. Wait, that last one I think is for Zombies.

BugginWord said...

Oh thank God...until that "I'm the father of a Girl Scout" line, I thought this post was going in an entirely different direction. I can't decided if I'm disappointed or relieved. I suppose I'll settle for amused.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I'll take 12 boxes of Samoas.

What. I freeze them for later.

My favorite thing about Girl Scout cookies is the multicultural assortment of uggos on the box. Ugly does not discriminate, apparently.

Moooooog35 said...

Matt: Done. But you still owe me money for the massage oils.

bikram: Not always. Not getting into it...this is about cookies.

Coffey: You sound happy today.

The Queen: Beginning in 2003, they began issuing Smith & Wessons as standard procedure to all troops.

Bears and shit.

Eva: I do. But not for cookies.

Lilu: BRILLIANT! Moogalongs. Do-si-Moogs. Thin Mintymoogs. Samoogas.

Genius.

Joker: I think at this rate, Samoa will rule the world.

Toe: So..how many should I put you down for?

Buggin: I see where you think I was going with that and may I say, 'ARE WE TWINS?'

Steam Me: Correct...ugly chicks need to learn how to craft shit out of sticks, too. Helps them later in life when they're alone, waiting to die.

Secretia said...

I have to buy 8 boxes from my nieces every year or the baby seals will die they said.

Secretia

Vodka Logic said...

The GS forms have showed up where I work too and I buy too many. But 16 Samoas for $4 that is highway robbery

Nick Perry said...

I almost had to throw my fiancee off of the roof the other day when I discovered she had purchased three boxes of cookies - and no thin mints! What?

I'm taking her to be evaluated by a doctor later on this week.

Malach the Merciless said...

I would do Kathy Griffin, that is all

Don said...

Fuck the Girl Scouts! Oops! I can go to jail for that...kidding. Fuck a Nigerian! Now I feel better.

CatLadyLarew said...

Put me down for a box of Thin Mints... my favorite! Just have her deliver them to my doorstep.

brookeamanda said...

I love Samoia's, but I think they're called something else now. They keep changing the names!

Jen said...

The only reason I signed my kid up for Girl Scouts was so I had a source for the cookies. We (I) sold 65 boxes last year. We just finished the last one about three weeks ago. Can I borrow that letter, I think it might work really well and we have some other stupid walk for cancer thing or something that just came home in the backpack tonight.

kys said...

We have to sell popcorn for boy scouts. Not only do we have to sell it but we are in charge of picking up the huge order, sorting it, and distributing it. And by we I mean Hubs.

Personally, I prefer cookies.

Noelle said...

i got kicked out of girl scouts when i was 10...some fucking thing about swearing and fighting and that's not what nice girls do. whatever. i'm not bitter.

adrienzgirl said...

Girls Scout cookies are the devil!

Betty Manousos:cutand-dry.blogspot.com said...

First time here. I found your site through my friends' s blogs.
We share some bloggy-friends and I thought to visit you and say hi!
Have a great day!
:)

Moooooog35 said...

Secretia: Every time I say your name, I feel like I'm leaking.

"Dude...you're secretia-ing something."

Which is par for the course, really.

Vodka: 16 Samoas?! I need to work where you do.

Nick: Thin Mints are a dinner substitute here most evenings.

Malach: Preaching to the choir, my friend.

Don: You're actually thinking about a Nigerian Girl Scout, aren't you?

CatLady: WTF is with all you people wanting delivery? Come get them, you lazy bastards.

Brookeamanda: They're still called Samoa's. So..what do you want, like, 125 boxes or what?

Kys: We have to do the same here with the cookies (my wife is a troop leader). And by 'we' I mean 'my wife.'

Same boat. HA.

Noelle: Nice girls in Girls Scouts.

Good one.

Adrienzgirl: Then Rachael Ray eating a Girl Scout cookie must be a sign of the Apocalypse.

Betty: Welcome! Care to pick up a box of Lemon cookies on your way out the door?

Hello?

Sonofabitch.

M K said...

Are you still employed? Just wondering.

I've vowed never ever to sell shit for my kids. If they want a prize or badge or whatever, they need to do the work. Just like I did when I was 7 and had to walk 4 miles uphill to school.

And why can't they call them Samoas anymore? Jesus.

meleah rebeccah said...

Best.Email.Ever.

The Absence of Alternatives said...

That is the only fuckraising I don't get cranky about: girl scout cookies. Thin Mints. Frozen. Heaven. "Buy a cookie. Save a kitten." Best line ever!

Mr. Knucklehead said...

Thin Mints are the shit. In vanilla ice cream.

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