Twix or Tweets - Volume Two | Mental Poo

Friday, January 08, 2010

Twix or Tweets - Volume Two

Before I start today...I have an announcement:

I'm sterile.

Actually, that's old news...but my son ran around the house this morning for some reason screaming:


I have no idea why.

But, hey, son:

When you're MY age, that actually becomes a SELLING point.

Yeah...I'm lookin' at YOU, Kate.

Where was I?

Oh..the announcement:

Ed from Ed's Funny Pages told me that I'd been nominated for 'Weblog of the Year' AND 'Best Humor Blog' over at the 2010 Bloggies.

I don't know what that is, but if you vote for me and I win this shit, I'll make you all royal subjects in my giant.. um.. bloggish.. kingdom.. thingy.

No idea.

So..feel free to swing over if you feel like it and throw me a vote or - if you find a blog that's better and funnier - you can vote for them up until the point that I hack their site and tear down everything they've worked for.

There can only be one king.

Thanks, everyone.



Pain and Suffering.


The latest rage for asshole lazy bloggers is to self-promote themselves by reposting some of their own Twitter Tweets as blog posts.

I am now stooping to this level.

Actually, I'm 5'-2" tall.

No stooping required. Already there.


Below are some of my very own Tweets that I've subjected my 12 followers to.

For Volume One click here.

The skew on this one, though:

All things of my very own pain and suffering.



Yep...fucking hand is broken AGAIN. I'd say God hates me, but he did break my non-masturbation hand, so I'm on the fence.

found out this morning that playing "the stranger" with a broken hand leaves a bad case of cast rash on your weenie.

Just tried to wash ass smell off my cast hand. Came out, smelled my hand and said, 'Ugh..pew.' Look up...some guy staring at me. Fantastic.

Right now I have a whistling nose booger and am saying "Here comes Thomas!" in an English accent, then making it whistle. Worktime Funtime.

Typo on a flyer at work said they were giving out 'Flew Shots' today. Three people have died jumping off the building.

I'm totally not getting H1N1. I'm holding out for H2N2...let them work out the kinks in this one before I dive in headfirst.

Someone asked if Jesus would get a flu shot. I said 'no', as he now has an aversion to sharp things piercing his skin. Here I come, Hell

Home sick today. Must rest. Rest = Xbox and porn. Xbox needs to make a porn game. Maybe a better idea for Wii. I'm apparently delusional.

Nightime Cold + Mucinex + two large cups of coffee = dizziness and hallucinations & OMG OMG OMG A RAT IS EATING MY FOOT! Wait. Just my shoe.

This cold has me coughing up a ton of goopy shit. So this is what it must feel like to be Paris Hilton.


If you're linked to me on Facebook, you may have seen these as well.

If you want to find me in either place, click here.

Twitter at: or you can just click this button:

Find me at Facebook by clicking here:

You've been warned.



Jay Ferris said...

I guess if Obama can win a Latin Grammy, anything is possible!

bikramyogachick said...

I don't tweet very often. I mostly "listen" to tweets. I find it to be a very amusing stream of consciousness.....and I don't mind being subjected to your tweets at all. :)

JenJen said...

Someone we both know nominated her own blog for this...who the hell does this?
Anyway, I'm happy you were nominated. Good for you. I'm going there to enter you.


Ed said...

I'd hit that too. But only after I duck taped her bitching mouth shut, cause that's how I roll.

Good luck with the bloggies. If you win, you get 2009 cents, or $20.09, of which you owe me a 10% commission.

Just like the paperboy said to John Cusack, "I want my TWO DOLLARS!"

lacochran said...

If you get to be king because I voted for you, does that mean I'll get a blog pony? I want a blog pony. And not one that poops in the profile section. I hate that kind.

Jen O. said...

When the voting opens, I'll vote for you. I'll vote for anyone with a New England accent.

Jen O. said...

New English? New Englandese? New Englandian? Whatever.


Chris said...

Yeah, I do the Tweet thing every now and then, but it's tough to keep up with. It's good to see that you found yet another outlet for your dementia.

Unknown said...

i have one burning question: if you tweet, does that make you a twat?

Moooooog35 said...

Jay: He won a Latin Grammy, too?!

The fuck.

I'm waiting for Michelle Obama to be crowned Mr. Universe. Just you's coming.

bikram: Subjected to my tweets?

Too easy.

JenJen: Be gentle..I bruise easily.

Ed: They give you 2009 pennies for a 2010 award? I WANT MY OTHER COPPER!

lachocran: You'll get whatever pony I decide to give you and like it.

I can't believe I just wrote that.

Jen O.: The proper term is 'wicked awesome.'

Mr. Knucklehead: Plus, see what I get? FREE BLOG POST!

M K: You say this like it's some sort of news.

Travis: It helps if you complain more. That's how I get what I want. Squeaky wheel and all that shit.

Noelle: No. I was that WAY before Twitter.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

At this point, you could write an entire blog post chronicling all the times you've won comment of the day at The Bloggess.

Does that sound jealous? Cause I'm not.

*saws wrist with serrated bread knife* <--Oh that? That's just my punishment for not being funny enough. I'll do better next time.

Christy said...

Just found the glory of your blog. You are too funny!!! Love it. :)

The Absence of Alternatives said...

Leaving a comment to tell you that I love the shark fin. Topping that is the word bubble that says "I drew that!"

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

Wow, my head is just spinning with all the randomness I just read.

But, especially with Kate G's V. Ick. And, umm, she had C-sections, in case that's what you're talking about. But I'm not sure, because, like I said, my head's spinning. said...

I'm not just blowing pot smoke up your well-formed ass, but you're the funniest tweeter that I follow. (Jesus, I'm embarrassed I just wrote a sentence that contained "funniest tweeter.") I can only hope that I'm the dorkiest that you follow.

And biotch, you got my vote!

MrsBlogAlot said...

You know I'd vote for you even without the nose whistling booger

Jill Pilgrim said...

I totally nominated you for Best Blog About Shit. You're a shoe in.

Anonymous said...

Argh, I really need to get into this twitter malarky. In 2010 I vow to leave my job and tweet!

Moooooog35 said...

Steam Me: I think she likes me.

Christy: My blog has glory?!

Wow. Wasn't expecting that.

Absence: Oh, dude. Wait til Monday.

Mary: Ick on Kate's V? Yeah..I'd like my ick on Kate's V.


Hiphop: That would mean a lot if you followred more than just two people, one of them being Rush Limbaugh. Thanks, though.

Don: You're so cute when you're jealous.

Mrsblogalot: I know, but the booger helps, right?

Jill: And I've nominated you for "Best Blogger who misspells "SHOO in""

You're welcome.

Eternally: It helps if you don't really do work at work, trust me.

Me-Me King said...

Okay, I followed you links to cast my vote. All I got was the nomination form. Did I miss something? Where do I fuckin' vote?

Miss Yvonne said...

I can't get over that you'd hit that. I mean, she's just so...shrill. She'd probably be all bossy and telling you what to do all the time. Wait, unless you like that?

Moooooog35 said...

Me-Me: Huh. Maybe it's just nominations.

See what happens when you don't pay attention? You wind up with kids and an invalid blog plea.

Miss Yvonne: I'm just saying that she's hot and she obviously puts out.

Two of the qualities I admire in a woman.

Malicious Intent said...

What. Have. I. Done.

Ed & Jeanne said...

Congrats on the nomination. Nothing like a popularity vote to make one feel small...I remember Diesel over at Mattress Police trying to win that one and coming in last. were nominated! I'll go check it out.

Malach the Merciless said...

Kate Gosselin? Seriously the hair would make me stop

~Kaydee~ said...

I've been saying porn video games are needed for years. Yet, I'm not sure I want to see my Sims... yeah... I totally don't.

(could have been worded better, but to do so would require me putting down my box of wine and actually thinking.)

Brutalism said...

This is a HUMOR blog? I wish I had known that before applying all of your teachings to my marriage, career and child-rearing.

Miss J said...

You do realize the Bloggies have been cancelled this year, right?

meleah rebeccah said...

I'm psyched that you were nominated. I'm going over there to vote for you!!

Zen Mama said...

I nominated you for Most Humorous Blog before I even read this post. Good luck, hope you win.

Think I'll link up with you on Facebook land as well.

Let the good times roll.

UberGrumpy said...

H2N2 - Inspired

You got my vote

Anonymous said...

I voted for you because you wave the flag of sterility with so much enthusiasm. Also, you're like the fucking pope now with all these followers. You are sneaking up on him in the popularity polls. His hat is nicer though. I think I just heard my soul start the descent into hell from putting the "f" next to the Pontiff.

carissajade said...

X Box really should make a porn game. But it needs to be interactive like the Wii. Ok maybe that would be weird.

Related Posts with Thumbnails