How to Clamscape Using the Disney Method | Mental Poo

Monday, February 15, 2010

How to Clamscape Using the Disney Method

Nothing tells a man 'you're my friend' more than an Instant Message asking him how you should shave your labia.

Let me explain.

The other day I'm sitting here at 'work' and my Instant Message window pops up.

It's from Kellie, a woman I used to work with years ago even though she's located in a remote office in Oregon.

I know.

"Remote" and "Oregon" are kind of redundant.

Also, I'm just as surprised as you are to learn that they have electricity and 'puters in Oregon, nevermind the wonder of Instant Messaging.

Apparently, though, she was able to drop the PETA protest sign, lay off the pot and let go of the trees long enough to ask me something.

This was not the first, nor do I bet it's the last, time that Kellie IM's me



Here's the IM:


Kellie: so my friend Melissa and I are debating the bare vagina

Kellie: and of course that made me think of you


On a related note:


Also, I think I now have some options here for a new tagline.

"When you think of bare vaginas, think Moooooog"

"Moooooog: Linked to bare vaginas since 2009...except that unsolved murder one...that's something different entirely and all they evidence they have is completely circumstantial."

"When you think 'pussy,' think Moooooog."

Sadly, I heard that last one a lot in grammar school.

Kids can be mean.

Okay..back to the bare vagina discussion:


midgetmanofsteel: Bare vaginas? Um...what's to debate?

Kellie: so I think having nice short curls is great

Kellie: but Melissa's a bald twat

Kellie: nude camel toe

you're dainty


(Editor's note: Kellie is not dainty...however she can be whatever you want her to be for $125 an hour with a three hour limit. Don't ask me how I know that.)


Kellie: dainty um no

Kellie: but as a man-whore what do you prefer?

Kellie: bald or nicely trimmed?

midgetmanofsteel: bald is beautiful

Kellie: mmmm


* blink

No, not pausing on the 'man-whore' thing...that's a given.

See that 'mmmm' right there?

That confused me...

...because I'm not sure if she meant 'hmmm,' like:

'interesting response'...

...or 'mmmm' like:


Oh. Look.



My answer:


midgetmanofsteel: although..honestly..if it goes by the name of 'vagina' and I'm anywhere near it, that's good enough for me.

Kellie: aww that's my guy!

midgetmanofsteel: depends on the little landing strip or something is fine...maybe my name carved into it like one of those Disney World hedges

Kellie: nice hedge

although, really...Jiminy Cricket = not the way to go

Kellie: LOL

Kellie: ok enough vagina talk...cya!


"Enough vagina talk," she said.

Like there even is such a thing.

Well...maybe in Oregon.

They DO have their dope to get back to, you know.

Moog out.


Linnnn said...

I was happily employed by Walt Disney World for many years, and the term for the nicely shaped plants is "topiary." I hope you enjoy adding this term to your lexicon.

Arun said...

LMAO. First time here....a major fan of our work already!! :)

My 2 cents...the whole name as a hedge thing wont work in India. We have insanely long Sri Lanka it would be worse...women would have to grow hair around their waists and onto their rump to accomodate a name like "Rupasinghe Jayawardene Mudiyanselage Gihan Madushanka Rupasinghe" (Who is a famous sportsperson by the way)!

MommaKiss said...

You have some interesting IM conversations!

The dainty picture is giving me the heebie jeebies and I have the perfect person to send it to!

So if the "name" thing were to happen, would you prefer moog with 2 o's or 6?

MrsBlogAlot said...

LOFL!!!! It must be really comforting to have you as the Go-to guy.

Anything Fits A Naked Man said...

Wow, when my friends and I IM each other, it's usually something boring like, "Hey, don't forget that 'Intervention' is on tonight!" I like your friends better!

Thanks for the laugh! Have a great week!

Donnie said...

Let me answer this one. The bottom line is neatly trimmed or totally shaved is the way to go. Unless of course, you're too fat to see your pubic hairs in which case nobody will care.

Tracie said...

I'm thinking that a pubic hair topiary might be a little awkward during bathing suit season.

MJenks said...

In the dainty picture, that woman's had her feet bound. They break the bones of young girls, wrap them up tightly so that they can't grow appropriately, and so you end up with women who have feet the size of a doll's. This is supposed to be 'sexy' to Chinese men.

Feet = size of a doll's = "dainty"

Now, I'll freely admit, I've got a foot fetish like you wouldn't believe, but there's no way in hell two sacks of sausage and broken bones is "sexy".

But that's just me. I'm apparently culturally insensitive.

Ben said...

I'm really close to lobbying for a week without blogs that make me mentally picture vaginas.


Moooooog35 said...

Linnn: Topiary? Lexicon? I feel dumber already!

Arun: Thanks for that visual.

Momma: 6 is preferable. But you can use your local physiology for two of them.

I'll give you a minute.

Mrsblogalot: I'm only gone to in IM, though.


Anything: Yeah..welcome to my world.


Don: I'll send her your IM tag for next time.

Tracie: But think of the fun you can have in the maze!

Mjenks: I remember reading 'The Good Earth' in school and they talked a lot about that.

You know, nowadays you go and break a chick's feet and they call it 'abuse.'

Double standard.

Ben: I don't want to know that world.

Jessica said...

Oh, you've crushed my Oregonian heart :(

Just a little.

My husband wanted me to go bare, I told him to slap his balls up on the counter so I could wax him bare.

Sarah said...

You should have told her you only like it shaved into "moooooog" sideways.

Although, that might be difficult. Unless she has a vulva like a banana seat.

Elly Lou said...

Ever have a really wicked comment planned then you read, "Unless she has a vulva like a banana seat" and totally forget what you were going to say.

I think it was something about seeking treasure and machete but WHO CARES? Sarah said, "Unless she has a vulva like a banana seat."

That needs to be the title of your next post.

Anonymous said...

I thought Oregon and PETA were kind of redundant.

Maxie said...

I prefer braids. Pubic hair is very natural and keeps the poisons of the world out. Braids also allow it to stay out of the way but be uber stylish.

Unknown said...

Well, don answered my question for me!

Kris said...

My pubes are styled and shaved into a lovely atom bomb explosion, signifying the power of the area in question.

Lee said...

I thought people in Oregon were all natural and shit...they don't ever shave...anywhere..right??

Diva's Thoughts said... have some very interesting friends. lol

Unknown said...

As long as there's not a Congo going on down there, wouldn't any man be fine with it?

Vodka Logic said...

Interesting.. not that you care but my opinion...bald is.. a 12 year old... nuf said.


Ziva said...

I'm always happy to read a good vagina IM conversation. Or vagIMasation, if you will. And Kellie seems like a really nice girl. A little biased towards the not-so grassy knoll, but nice.

Thanks for the great read!


i am still too horrified at what i believe to either be a kitten or a skunk being shoved down that disturbed individual's mouth to talk about anyone's vagina

Moooooog35 said...

Jessica: How tall is this guy?

Sarah P: I will need to see this in sketch form.

Travis: Oregon Ducks Cheerleaders voted Nation's Hottest.

So..yeah. F 'em.

Elly: Banana Vulva comments always get me, too.

Jules: So is 'Oregon' and 'Hippy.'


Eva: He tends to do that a lot. Usually, not correctly.

Kris: That explains why your vibrators emit clicking noises when they get close.

Lee: Yes. They all resemble Yeti.


Tee: You have NO idea.

Summer: CONGO?! Now I want to go monkey hunting.

No idea what that means.

Vodka: You say that like it's a bad thing.

Perhaps I've said too much.

Ziva: No problem. Sucks that you had that whole 'I'm a great new beverage' thing going then the whole bottom fell out.


I'm thinking Zima.

Speaking: Like something like that has ever stopped you before.


Matt said...

any guy who pretends that vagina hair actually matters to him is probably full of shit.

or stupid. said...

Your blog should be required reading on syllabusses (syllabi?) across the nation.

SoccerMom said...

I totally get where she is coming from. If you need bush trimming opinions you should always ask a guy. In my personal opnion, I think going "bald" makes women look like a grade schooler. I guess thats ok if your into underage crap.

MJenks said...

I can't remember what shitty book I had to learn it from in college. Some of the videos they had of women who looked Yoda old with feet that had been bound was pretty messed up.

It did cause me to give pause, however, when the lecturer--a very...husky...woman, we'll say--said "Men, wouldn't it be romantic to have a woman sit on your chest and masturbate you with her feet?"

And then she showed us pictures of the results of foot binding.


Me-Me King said...

Yeah, Don covered it for me, not that way.

Anyway, next time have Kellie get in touch with Don...yes, that way.

rachaelgking said...

If I were a real redhead I'd leave something, just so I could make smart aleck remarks to people inquiring about "carpets" and "drapes."

The mad woman behind the blog said...

yeah, my response is the same as Jessica's and my guy's are counter high. That said, I've waxed the hoo hoo and with enough drugs, I could take it or leave it.
Bald beaver is sort of weird looking (unless you're an infant and thats a completely different convo!)

lbluca77 said...

What about permed pubes? I hear that can be a nice look

Christina Harper said...

I think I just had an aneurysm reading this. Lol. Hilarious, man. Seriously. Just. Wow.

JenJen said...

I know how she feels; I've been the recipient of "you sound dainty" more than once.

I'm easily offended.

Mike said...

Is that girl eating a hamster or kitten? Cuz one tastes better than the other. It's an important distinction.

J said...

Society's kind forced me to go bare, being that I wasn't born in the 70's. :( So i empathize with your oregon friend.

Also, the picture of the little "dainty" woman was distracting... I couldn't help but picture the Travelocity gnome when I looked at her feet.

Ducky said...

I'm in favor of a tutorial...maybe you could work on that? mmmmK/1?

Jen said...

I let my then husband do some shaving on me once. Never again, I flew off on a business trip the following day and itched like crazy the entire week.

I have a seven year old daughter from that little afternoon excursion.

Malach the Merciless said...

I made a nice arrow pointing the way for you with my pubes

Laurie said...

Women, less is more.


Maxie said...

Also, do old people even have pubic hair?

Is it gray?

So much you can help me out with here.

Moooooog35 said...


Hiphop: If you could get on that promotion, I'd appreciate it.

Soccer: Bald is beautiful. So is neatly trimmed. Or, really, anything..I'm good with anything.

Mjenks: After a foot job, wouldn't your wiggly smell like feet?

Like, more than usual?

Me-Me: Totally hooking them up. Totally.

Lilu: You're an interior decorator? I don't get it.

Madwoman: Mine are counter high, but only if I count the kids' PlaySkool kitchen set.

lbluca: Aren't they permed automagically?

Christina: Glad I could contribute to your brain failure.

JenJen: You sound dainty.

Mike: I don't know. Maybe we should examine the remains on the exit.

J: OMG OMG The Travelocity GNOME!!


Daffy: I would totally give you a tutorial if I had a spare vagina lying around.

Jen: Are you saying that the Mach 5 can impregnate women?!

Malach: Um..


Laurie: THANK YOU.

Maxie: Yes.

It's a jungle down there.

Delia said...

Okay you have me hooked...that was hilarious and I am now a follower.

Brutalism said...

Women SHAVE?!?!?!

Perhaps I should stop gleaning my grooming tips from dad's '70s Playboys...

bikramyogachick said...

Ya, if you remove your panties and hear "boof", that's not a good sign.

meleah rebeccah said...

BEST Instant Message conversation EVER. Very. Funny.

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