The Racist Diorama | Mental Poo

Monday, March 01, 2010

The Racist Diorama


..and this is how I lost my female Chinese readers who like Garey Busey and Nicolas Cage movies.

So solly.

Let me explain.

My 6 year old son had to do a diorama for his first grade class.

Let's read that again.

My SIX YEAR OLD HAD TO DO A DIORAMA.

Jesus H. Christ.

The kid can barely pee without pulling his entire wardrobe off and you want him to do a friggin' DIORAMA?

That makes perfect sense you stupid assholes.


What did this diorama have to be on?

An animal native to China.

He came up with 'Snow Leopard.'

Here's what we came up with:

BEHOLD! THE SNOW LEOPARD DIORAMA!!!

(insert wicked cool echo here)


ooooooooh.

Purty.

Yeah.

That looks EXACTLY like something a 6-year old did on his own.


And then, because I have way too much time on my hands, I took some "Wild Kingdom" action shots!


Trust me...

If these things didn't come out looking like Hobbes, it would be wicked fierce and scary and shit.


Then, I figured...

What ELSE could we do that was native to China?

* light bulb goes off but not an incandescent because of all the global warming shit NOOOOO it's one of those squiggly ones that emit NO light at all and you know what..you know what? FUCK THE POLAR BEARS.

Sorry.

I had an idea for other Chinese Dioramas.

Of course.


Then I figured that that probably wasn't fair because even though Chinese drivers really DO SUCK - and if you're Chinese and reading this and getting angry and disagree with this then you're TOTALLY wrong but HOLD ON A SECOND kemosabe (all I know of Chinese which may or may not be Indian/Portuguese) - but my wife who is NOT Chinese actually drove into our house (yes..INTO OUR HOUSE) so I figured I could expand on these a little:








I think that's enough.

In the end, he chose the 'Snow Leopard' one even though I thought the teacher would get a kick out of the Gary Busey one even though he's not native to China.

Kids.

Can't live with 'em.

Can't build a kick-ass Snow Leopard diorama without 'em.

Riiiiiiiight.

Moog out.

56 comments:

Wicked Shawn said...

I really should have known better than to even come here. Head still hurts and yet here I come, bouncing on in here expecting not to triple the friggin pain laughing. WTF!! Gary Busey on Parole Dioroma def my fave!!!!

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

So, next time my kids has a diorama, I'm calling you. Mine never look that good!

Anything Fits a Naked Man said...

OMG, I needed that! Thanks! Please tell me the rabbits didn't get eaten by Hobbes. Please?

BTW, kick ass diorama!

erin said...

A diorama! Ugh. I hope my six year old doesn't come home with that assignment. Our snow leopards would come out looking like something much much worse than Hobbes.

*G*R*U*N*T*I*L*D*A* said...

I'd hold on to that Gary Busey diorama if I were you...when it actually goes down like that, you can scream FIRST!

Robin said...

Really funny post! Great job on the diorama. I have a 5 year old and a 7 year old. I get so pissed off when their teachers assign home projects to them that they couldn't possibly do themselves. It's the equivalent of homework for parents, and I never see any educational merit to these projects.

Mike said...

What would the female/chinese/senior citizen diorama look like?

Moooooog35 said...

Wicked: That's my favorite, too. Best for last they say!

Lee: That's cuz although you're awesome, I'm awesomer.

Anything: They totally got mangled.

Totally.

Erin: I hate teachers.

Gruntilda: I think that ship has sailed.

Robin: I feel the same way about math homework.

Mike: You now have an assignment!!

WannabeVirginia W. said...

Thank goodness I have not decided whether I may or may not be Asian,otherwise I may have been completely offended with this post.
See my last post to unravel the mystery.

You could have also made a diorama on the most awesome chinese food buffet, but noooooooo.

Assoh - (insert gong sound here).

BTW - we now have a law that requires chinese people to drive cars with prescription windshield.

You didn't hear that from me though!

Scribe said...

Thank god i have no kids and no need for dioramas! Now, if the instructors at dog obedience school get their hands on this, I'm screwed!

Anonymous said...

I lived in China for three years and I think you were being kind. Thanks for the laugh today!

Maxie said...

This post = my idea.

when are you going to start paying me for this shit?

Brutalism said...

"Old people parking who accidentally hit the gas" -- funny, but a little too close to home as I was once rear-ended by Abraham Leibovitz, 81, of Century Village one time in a Publix parking lot in West Palm Beach.

To recap: I was rear-ended by an 81 year old in Publix...God, I miss my 20s.

Travis said...

I think I'm the most sad that I didn't know what a diorama was.

Fuckin small school education.

GunDiva said...

I totally love the diorama! I found you through a friend of a friend of a...well, you know how this bloggy friend thing works. And I'm awfully glad I did.

JenJen said...

I love that you said "wicked" a lot because it cracks me up.
and? my 6yr old has to strip to poop. What is it with these boys?? Do YOU have to strip to pee?

bikramyogachick said...

It could also be a "person driving a recalled toyota and the mat jams the gas pedal" Diorama

MommaKiss said...

Excuse me while I google Diorama.

Me-Me King said...

Gosh, I didn't have to do a diorama until the 5th grade. Mine was about the natural resources of Hawaii...it sucked.

Kudos to mini-you and his wonderful efforts!

And, hey, no more picking on Gary Busey.

Lily said...

Making a diorama was my FAVORITE SHIT back in gradeschool.

I'm not gonna lie...I'm a little jealous of you right now, moog.

Guess I'm going to have to pop out a kid or two so I can have an excuse to make dioramas again.

Chelle said...

Diorama almost sounds like diarrhea. I always thought that.

sassafrasjunction said...

Ah, the majestic snow leopard in all his glory. Between the nearly eaten rabbits and the disconcerting hillsides, that diorama is probably what Gary Busey sees in his MIND each and every blessed day.

Eva Gallant said...

Man, if my kid had come home and said he had to do a diorama, I would have had to get the Webster's out and look it up! I had no clue what the hell a diorama is!

Juliana said...

HAHAHAHAHAH needed this laugh today!!!

Momma Fargo said...

You fucking kill me.

The mad woman behind the blog said...

I bet the teachers just do this to see how artistic the parents are. You're all auditioning for who will do the backdrops for all the little darlings plays for the next 5 years.

By the time my Mads gets to school, she'll have to make a youtube video of hers including a digitally mastered soundtrack. IN FIRST GRADE!

smumzie said...

HAHA!
Hey, you know what the H stands for in Jesus H Christ?



wait for it....









Haploid.


(ah, the benefits of being married to a molecular biophysicist)

Elly Lou said...

I always wanted someone to create a diorama of Lady Di throwing dice. Can you get on that? (TWSS)

meleah rebeccah said...

I am DYING over the Gary Busey on Parole Dioroma!!

Moooooog35 said...

Wannabe: You're SO getting kamikaze'd.

Wait. That's Japan.

Nevermind.

Scribe: You can do a diorama without kids.

It's actually more fun. Don't ask me how I know that.

Anonymous: It's what I do.

Maxie: WHAT?! You're so high.

Brutalism: I know of a ton of women in the nursing home who can claim the same thing.

Travis: Apparently, neither does half the nation.

GunDiva: Welcome! And...good luck to you here. It gets messy.

jenJen: We don't HAVE to strip..but we prefer it.

Especially when we're in the ladies room.

Bikram: RUN WITH IT!!

Momma: Sounds dirty.

Me-Me: No more picking on Gary Busey? Who ARE you?

Lily: The only excuse you need to make a diorama is 'too much time on your hands.'

I have 300 lying around the house.

Chelle: In either case, they both usually come out looking like shit.

sassafrass: It's like you almost see through his eyes.

Magic.

Eva: Where the Hell do you people live?!?!

Julianna: You're welcome. It's my schtick.

Momma: I ADMIT NO WRONGDOING!

MadWoman: Shit. You're right.

Oh well..less time I have to do checking math homework.

smumzie: I'm so lost I'm expecting kate and sawyer to show up.

Elly: Yes. What?

Meleah: Thank you. Don't die, though.

I can't afford to lose another reader.

SPEAKING FROM THE CRIB said...

you do have way too much time on your hands

way too much

Tgoette said...

Great job! I would hang onto the Gary Busey diorama if I were you. Yeah, the kids study Gary Busey in second grade and I'm sure it will come in handy.

lbluca77 said...

You could have had the snow leopards eating puppies too. I am pretty sure eating puppies in China is normal. Although it could be disturbing to a bunch of 6 year olds.

Miss Spoken said...

I made a diorama once of a prison rape scene. I was 28. I have some issues.

Olly said...

Great post. Loved the Senior Citizen one. Still laughing at Chelle for mentioning how diorama sounds like diarrheah. It would make for an interesting day for the teacher if half the class made that assumption. Oh no...ASSumption. I'll stop now...

Kris said...

My son made a diorama of Native life last year. The one of the Indian fishing looks like he's holding a giant wang instead of a fishing pole.

Needless to say, I've kept that particular treasure.

Chris@Knucklehead! said...

Oh, Dude! You should've had one of the snow leopards driving one of the cars! THEN it would've met the teacher's criteria.

It really did look like Hobbes, though.

Christy said...

Uh, where were you when I had to do dioramas???

I blame any bad project grades I may have gotten in elementary school on you.

J said...

Let me start by saying you're lucky for your kid and all the free material he gives you for hilarious posts. Also, I'd like to say that I had no idea what a diorama was... which in turned made me feel dumber than a 6 year old. :/

Mrsblogalot said...

HAAA!!! You give awesome Diorama!!!

LOVED the old people who accidentally hit the gas one!

Lazy Pineapple said...

'kemosabe' is definitely not Indian.

All the dioramas were hilarious....Your poor kid...he is always a blogger fodder for you :)

Nicky said...

LOL absolutely brilliant! Hope you-I mean HE -got an A. And for all those who didn't know what a diorama is, don't feel bad. My ex wanted to know why our son's teacher wanted my birth control :-)

Moooooog35 said...

Speaking: That's TIME on my hands?

Why is it so sticky?

Tgoette: I never studied Busey in school.

Stupid private education.

lbluca: You're confusing China with Vietnam. In China it's cats. CATS.

Miss: You were in school when you were 28?

Olly: Easiest diorama ever. Just a shitload of brown paint.

Literally.

Kris: ..kept it in your bedside nightstand?

Chris: Ooooh. See? This is why I need you guys BEFORE.

Christy: You know, there's always THE PHONE.

Blame me. Right.

J: I am lucky for my kid.

lucky like a FOX!

That made more sense in my head.

Mrsblogalot: Thank you. My life is now complete.

Lazy: SORRY but I really think it's Chinese. If you've noticed, I've pre-corrected your comment for you.

You're welcome.

Nicky: That would have been easy..just send in the pill pack.

DONE.

Malach the Merciless said...

I use Pearly Cream, ancient Chinese Secret

Momma Fargo said...

I awarded you and your junk today. Go to my site to see your award! Congrats.

Ed said...

My kid had to do a diorama also.

He waited until the last day possible, and did a halfassed one with leftover materials. Totally pissed my teacher wife off.

He ended up getting a great grade.

That pissed my wife off more.

I was like, "That's my boy!"

Jay Ferris said...

I think you missed your shot for a Toyota joke here. Or was that implied in the Asian one?

Momma Fargo said...

Sorry I am pooping all over your comments. The last post I made was actually supposed to be on Ed's blog because he talked about his junk today. So, ignore the junk comment. Was supposed to be funny, but only on his blog because it made sense. Didn't mean to sound rude...if I am rude, tho, it is usually obvious. Egads! Anyway, congrats on your award!

Ziva said...

The "When Women Get Behind The Wheel Diorama" doesn't look anything like when I get behind the wheel. I hardly ever manage to crash two monster trucks at once. I'm just saying.

Other than that, awesome dioramas. Or, three-dimensional full-size or miniature models, sometimes enclosed in a glass showcase for a museum, as Wikipedia was kind enough to tell me.

kathcom said...

I never realized how funny a repurposed diorama could be. Nic Cage and Gary Busey were hilarious and made me feel less bad about laughing at women drivers and Chinese drivers. Can you do one with tiny Chinese penises next time? I think you might get a letter from Asian Defense Fund for that. Et voila--new post!

nonamedufus said...

Ok, ok, is this like the "Spot the Difference" thing in the newspaper? I think I've got it. There's animals in the first one. I did like the Old People Parking one...a winner.

Moooooog35 said...

malach: I could have sworn that was Calgon.

Momma: You awarded my junk?

My junk says 'thank you.'

Seriously. It talks.

Ed: RIGHT?! Laziness is the smart man's tool.

jay: Sometimes, things just feel overused, you know? Like Paris Hilton's vagina.

Ziva: If you're not crashing two monster trucks then you're just not trying hard enough.

Kathcom: Yeah..making a Chinese penis diorama in the house should go over well.

Nonamedufus: Oooh. Maybe I'll do that next time.

But probably not. Too much work. No payoff.

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

You forgot to mention the Chinese Toyota diarama. Wait, Toyota's are Japanese. Oh, hell, who can tell the difference?

Jen said...

Just had to share that I came across this post because I was searching for....get this...a snow leopard diorama!! I totally needed to see if anyone else had been through this hell! Thanks for the laughs... :)

Tizroc said...

I thought those were some odd "chinese" Hyena.

http://scienceblogs.com/neurotopia/hyena1.jpg

S said...

Okay so MY 6 year old son came home the other night and informed me that he too chose a snow leopard to make a diorama. First of all what the hell is a diorama and second of all what the hell is a snow leopard. Can we get these kids together and let them go nuts with clay and snow and fur and blue sheep eating bandits? Please. Don't make me make this thing! Thanks for the idea and what are the chances really that two little 6 year old boys would choose the same friggin' thing to make a diorama about? Really?

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