Before I start today:
I was interviewed WAY THE HELL BACK in, like, October or something by NOSSA.
NOSSA = "National Organization of Short Statured Adults"
I am not making this up.
Apparently, we're organized.
I had no idea.
Well..at LONG last the podcast was posted...so you can listen to it in all of it's hideous entirety where I basically talk about how to get laid when you're short by clicking here.
I'm also did a podcast with Kelly from Speaking from the Crib on April 1st.
So click here so you listen to me be an asshole FOR A FULL HOUR!
Not a big stretch, really.
It's what I do.
If I don't get the details here, head over to her site and she'll have them all posted.
The above little gem was spoken by me to my wife as we walked (I'm sorry..as SHE DRAGGED ME) through a local department store.
I hate shopping.
I would rather watch a lesbian threesome starring Rosie O'Donnell, Whoopi Goldberg and Janet Reno than go shopping.
Unless it's shopping for a TV, XBox game, or anything involving the store 'Best Buy' when I have a gift card.
In those cases, you can replace those three with, say, Carmen Electra, Jessica Alba and Scarlett Johansson.
Not only have I gone way off topic...
...but I've also got wood.
I'll be right back.
(14 seconds later):
As she was yanking me through the aisles, I looked up at the top of a display and saw the horror of all horrors:
(Japanese people flee in terror)
Celine Dion was in full poster format (making this abomination appear LIFESIZE), wearing a short skirt...
...and trying to look sexy.
Celine Dion trying to look sexy is like George W. Bush trying to look smart or Paris Hilton trying to not be a filthy whore.
Ain't. Gonna. Happen.
Me: "ARGH!! MY EYES!!."
Me: "Celine Dion."
Wife: "What about her?"
Me: "She scared me. She looks like my ass."
On a related note, having a fairly loud conversation about how Celine Dion resembles your anus probably is one of the best ways to get dirty looks from elderly people.
That, and randomly shoving them.
Wife: "You WISH your ass was that talented."
Me: "Actually, I think my ass can also hold a pretty long note."
Wife: * blink
Me: "Maybe they were separated at birth."
I hope so.
She can forward me some money to help pay for all these fucking SHOES we bought.
God, I hate shopping.