Blind Chicks and Diabetics | Mental Poo

Monday, August 23, 2010

Blind Chicks and Diabetics

Parenting.

Sometimes it comes naturally.

But sometimes, you're just wicked rich and you pay other people named "Juanita" or "Consuela" to raise your children in a bilingual society so you don't have to bother to learn another language.

I SO hope that I get the latter someday.

At least the 'rich' part.

Then if there aren't any illegal immigrants left (McCain 2012!) I'll be at least able to buy a cool enclosure and maybe some robots to take care of the little shits.


Where was I?

Oh, yeah. My daughter's drawing talent.

Obviously.

My daughter has a whiteboard in her bedroom.

Every day there's something new on it.

Sadly, this is how we learn some of what she actually DOES during the course of a day.

For example...

THIS is how we learned that she had a hidden stash of Pixie Sticks in her desk drawer and - every night - would eat, like, TWO WHOLE PIXIE STICKS right before she went to bed:


This is also one of the times that I realized that I'm not that observant when I come downstairs 16 times every night wondering why she's having nightmares and she smells like bubblegum.

Then there's this time where I realized that my daughter can just totally friggin' crack me up:


"Mary Ignalls.

She is blind."


*blink

So I see this and am like 'AAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!' dying laughing and she's like, 'What?' and I'm all 'OMG that is friggin HILARIOUS' and she goes, 'It's Mary Ingalls' (not Ignalls...NO SUPPER FOR YOU TOMORROW BECAUSE OF TYPOS!) who is apparently some real blind chick that was an actual character on Little House on the Prairie and great now I'm thinking of how hot Melissa Gilbert was and now I need to get out of here before my daughter sees daddy get a chubby.

Wow.

I just reread that paragraph and even I think it's a bit off.

I should probably lay off the Pixie Sticks for a while.

That's what Mary Ingalls said.

She is blind.

37 comments:

Shieldmaiden96 said...

I still want to know why the Chinese don't like Legos. You need to ask her.

SPEAKING FROM THE CRIB said...

if melissa gilbert makes it on your 'hot chick' radar then that pretty much confirms you will pork anything.

Eva Gallant said...

I thnk that hamster needs to be very afraid!

JD at I Do Things said...

It is the Whiteboard of Truth.

Pixie Sticks? Tonight.
Mary Ignalls? She is blind.

I'm glad she labeled the Pixie Sticks. I might've had to call Child Services to have them investigate why your daughter is throwing bottles full of Vicodin down her throat. (Hey, that was my interpretation).

Also, interesting that she labeled it "Sugar."

The kid speaks the truth.

Jeff said...

Because it's too damn early in the morning for me to function properly, I initially thought the first picture read, "Patron tonight."

And I was just like, "Whaaat?? That's what MY whiteboard says."

Mrsblogalot said...

HAAAAA!!!! I can't even believe that she knows that show. Why did I have the impression it was all 70's porn in your house?

ClevelandPoet said...

pixie sticks make me think of Ally Sheedy in The Breakfast Club and then I'd have to leave the room before my daughter saw daddy with a chubby...

the daughter that doesn't exist.

I don't care what the court says.

no I'm kidding (maybe)

The Absence of Alternatives said...

I am wondering whether it is the Pixie Sticks or the fume from those whiteboard pens that you need to lay off. LOL

nonamedufus said...

Gee, and I always thought Little House on the Prairie was filled with prostitutes. Oh,wait, that was Best Little Whorehouse in Texas. Same diff. I think "Little Joe" was in both of them.

Midwestern Mama Holly said...

Exactly, why dont the Chinese like Legos? btw.. I hated Little House on the Prairie. Those goody two shoes girls. Blech.

The Invisible Seductress said...

Please join us for:

"A Chubby for Half-pint"

A Special "Little House on the Prairie" Christmas Presentation with limited commercial interruption.

Moooooog35 said...

Shield: I asked her. She has no idea.

My kids are like that.

Speaking: Like this is news to you people.

Eva: Even here my hamster can't cut a break. wtf.

JD: The day my daughter throws Vicodin down her throat is the day she gets into my medicine cabinet.

Oh.

Jeff: My whiteboard just says 'masturbate' over and over again.

I chafe.

Mrsblogalot: Apparently, she's a REAL PERSON that they learned about in school.

Who knew.

Cleveland: Gah. Ally Sheedy? Really?

I've lost you.

Absence: I DIDN'T DRAW THOSE!

noname: ..and that's the day I renamed my penis, 'little joe.'

Midwestern: so much hate. Welcome to the dark side!

that's what she said.

what?

Invisible: I think you've just titled my autobiography.

ClevelandPoet said...

haha yeah...but to be fair really only as the character in the movie. I'm into the weird, dark gothy chicks.

Anonymous said...

Melissa Sue Anderson played Mary Ingalls on the tv show and Melissa Gilbert played Laura Ingalls - just sayin'

meleah rebeccah said...

Ahahahahah! I love how your daughter labeled the Pixie Sticks "Sugar." Ahahahahahahhah.

Christina In Wonderland said...

As long as your daughter isn't snorting the pixie sticks like crack, then I think it's safe to say you haven't messed her up too much in the head yet. Yay. :P

The Sweetest said...

Wait, the Chinese hate Legos? I am confused and surprised by this.

Brutalism said...

I hope your daughter continues to narrate her life through the magic of the whiteboard...interspersed with narratives about '70s television characters...

Payton (the teen years) would go something like this:

One night:

Payton. Tonight. (Illustrated by her sneaking out bedroom window to meet guy named Chad.)

Next night:

Mork. (Illustrated by guy in rainbow suspenders.) He is higher than a kite.

pattypunker said...

and so another pixie sticks ho is born.

ps: consuela would kick her ass straight for that shit.

MommaKiss said...

who got custody of the white board.
do you have a pink version in your new place?
because these posts must continue. at the expense of your innocent child.

WannabeVirginia W. said...

omg, omg, omg. I love white boards. I want one with the eraser that feels like pubic hair. No?

BadLarry said...

and great now I'm thinking of how hot Melissa Gilbert was and now I need to get out of here before my daughter sees daddy get a chubby.- Moog

You know, for some strange reason I figured that ship had already sailed a long time ago. At least if half your stories are true...

J.J. in L.A. said...

You thought Melissa Gilbert was hot??? You really ARE sick. My brothers thought the blind blonde chick (can't think of her name) was hot.

CatLadyLarew said...

And I thought I was wild and crazy eating saltines in bed when I was a kid. But hey, we all know what Mary Ingalls must have been doing in bed to go blind like that!

Moooooog35 said...

Cleveland: I'll just back slowly away now...

Anonymous: I don't care. Just sayin'.

Meleah: She is a sharpie.

Christina: I think the jury is still out on that one.

Sweetest: I have no idea, either.

Brutalism: You had me at "mork."

Awesome.

Patty: Did you just actually call my 9 year old daughter a ho?

Momma: I have a white board at my house but it's more like my laptop screen and it's only white because I have bad aim.

Perhaps I've said too much.

Wannabe:

*blink

BadLarry: Dude that ship sailed and sunk FOREVER ago.

JJ: Amazing how I get people to call me sick using "Little House on the Prairie."

Weird.

CatLady: GOOD POINT.

That's what she said.

SisterMerryHellish said...

Clearly she's not watching enough Simpson's episodes because there's no sugar in Pixie Stix! Honest!

Tracie said...

My whiteboard would say "Tonight - Pretending to have my period."

Miss Yvonne said...

Bwahahahaaa @ Tracie's comment!!

Sunny said...

OMG you guys!!! And especially you Rod... The first picture is of a rabbit giving head, DUH! Didn't anyone notice the balls on it!!??

Oh, that was just me? Figures.

lbluca77 said...

I have all these warm fuzzy memories of watching Little House on the Prairie as a kid and well, now you’ve ruined that.

Sandra said...

But even being blind and not being able to spell her last name, ie. Ignalls, Mary found a husband. He was also blind. See. Now you know a bit more than you did two seconds ago.
Your daughter is very creative. Long live the pixie sticks!

Kristen said...

This made me laugh and cheered me up and it is so awesome I can't think of anything to say but thank you.

(and yes, I realize that reads like I'm retarded, but I don't care. At least I'm not blind.)

Amy said...

Mary Ingalls: SO NOT HOT!!!

Amy said...

UM. That was SUPPOSED to say
Melissa Gilbert: SO NOT HOT

I'm done now.

Amy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
kyknoord said...

Mary Ignalls is BLIND??? This changes everything!

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

I thought the blind chick on Little House was way hotter than Melissa Gilbert. It just goes to prove the old saying, "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder." Not that the blind chick would know that, of course.

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