The Inflatable Disturbances | Mental Poo

Wednesday, September 01, 2010

The Inflatable Disturbances


When you have kids, some shit just shouldn't surprise you.

Like finding Barbie dolls naked and spread eagle on your bathroom counters (SCORE!) or finding out that the dog just ate three small socks and a Polly Pocket or finding yourself saying something like, "Honey..if you're going to play with your feet make sure you wash your hands before supper."

I thank God every day that I got myself that vasectomy.

But some shit they do still scares me.

Like when I walked into the bathroom to take a piss, turned my head to the left and saw THIS peering out from the shower curtain:


What. Thefuck.

So after I screamed and peed on the wall a little and then kind of looked at it and liked the design I made so I peed on it a little more and made this entire urinary adventure into some disturbing yet germy Rorschach experiment and now I'm glad I bought latex paint for in here because it's SO much easier to get Rorschach pee stains off the wall I decided to go grab a kitchen knife and take a look around the house for other creepy balloons.

This was not as difficult as it sounds.

Because, apparently, my kids are going to be serial killers.

The first ones I came across (not literally) were these TWO that my daughter drew...

Please note that these were REMOVED FROM THE SAME SHOWER (wtf):




Awesome.

So, for those of you keeping score at home, that's THREE BALLOONS that I found IN THE SHOWER with faces drawn on them.

It's like normalcy knocked on my door and then left in a hurry when we answered it holding butcher knives screaming, "COME ON IN, WE'RE ABOUT TO MAKE CHILI!!"

Anyway, after I take the above photos, I literally TURN AROUND and on the toy shelf behind me is this inflated Picasso:


Okay..that's a little more normal of a face and..

..um..

..what's on the back of it..?

I spin the balloon around and see this:


*pees on wall

Nice.

Apparently my son can only draw creepy evil grinning balloons that would freak out Freddy Krueger and may or may not be a bit of foreshadowing into his future as the next 'master of horror' or 'creepy man driving around the neighborhood in a blacked-out van.'

So. Proud.

This is shit I used to find lying around my house on a regular basis and which also explains the strong scent of urine from my jeans. I just wish they'd just stick to the naked spread-eagle Barbie dolls lying around on the counters instead.

FYI..even with a vasectomy, you can still ejaculate.

Perhaps I've said too much.

38 comments:

Mrsblogalot said...

HAAA! I thought the green balloons were the good ones?

Be afraid....The balloons are always watching!

Sci-Fi Gene said...

"The Balloons" (rated 18)

Get your kids a camcorder for their next birthday: one of them may be the next Hitchcock. Seriously, this would work as a horror film: the red balloons being a different tribe from the green ones, or the two-faced balloons are nice touches.

Opto-Mom said...

That Jack Nicholson one looks like it's saying, "You in your faggoty white uniform...."

I think you should sleep with one eye open at all times...just sayin.'

NEATO BURRITO said...

haha... your kids have true talent, Making balloons look scary. It cant be that easy, their medium is rubber filled with air, how they make that scary, beats me.

Miss Yvonne said...

Thanks for this post. Now I know what to do to freak out my husband. Although he's already peeing all over the bathroom, so maybe not. Seriously, what's so hard about hitting the toilet?

Christina_the_wench said...

I think you're just using the balloons as an excuse to pee on the wall. You don't fool me.

Side note. NEVER going to mooooog's house. Ever.

MommaKiss said...

Well first-isn't it the wife's job to clean up the pee off the walls? I know it's my job at home. Never. Ending. Second-you have a thing for pigtails? Yay me!

WannabeVirginia W. said...

Yay, pee on the wall. Pee on the tub. Nevermind.

Midwestern Mama Holly said...

The kids are going to grow up to be a clown and do balloon portraits at birthday parties. Nothing scary about that, right? Seriously.. John Gacy was probably a one time thing.

brookeamanda said...

The best thing about the creepy ballons is that if they freak you out too much, you can always just pop them:)

Ziva said...

This is such a strange coincidence, whenever I look at a Rorschach pee stain on the wall I see scary balloon people.

Elly Lou said...

So much for getting anything done today. Now I have to go buy balloons and blow 'em up so I can fill the entire shower before the hubs gets home. Best game ever.

Moooooog35 said...

Mrsblogalot: There are GOOD balloons?

And I thought I was odd.

Sci-Fi: Start working on this. Get Spielberg on the phone. I get royalties.

Opto: I don't live there any more so I think I'm safe from ballo

(killed by inflatable doll)

Neato: you had me at 'rubber filled with air.'

Miss Yvonne: We DO hit the toilet. It's hitting the inside of it that's the issue.

Christina: You can go there. Tell my ex-wife I said 'hi' and 'could she please make me more cookies.'

I love cookies.

Momma: What is wrong with the men in your house?

Wannabe: Are you singing a Pink Floyd song?

Midwestern: Looks like they'll be taking after their dad, then.

Brooke: I'm going nowhere near these things.

They scare me.

Ziva: Brilliant.

Elly: Don't forget to take pictures!

WILLIAM said...

Neuter shooter.

nonamedufus said...

It's time the little Moooooogs had blogs of their own, dude. I'll be looking for them.

SPEAKING FROM THE CRIB said...

i don't know why but i had to read the pee on the wall paragraph like 12 times to comprehend it.

and then i clicked on the barbie link thinking, hm i don't remember that post, and after reading it, i am wishing i could forget it

too much

and this info "FYI..even with a vasectomy, you can still ejaculate" really was needed bc you know, i thought air just came out

That one girl said...

OMG, that is so funny, your kids sound AWESOME!

Peggy Sue Brister said...

I have always wondered why, when a dog gets "fixed" they completely cut their balls off, but when a man gets fixed they simply snip a tube in there and leave the balls. Do they leave them so the man will be normal looking? Because there's nothing normal looking about balls, at all. I actually think men would look better naked without the balls myself. But I have been told I am slightly on the weird side. But I am glad to know there are other crazy ass kids out there and that it's not just mine. My 9 year old son is obsessed with drawing swords, blades and knives. Killing instruments. Big evil looking phucking swords with spikes coming off them. He draws them every day. My kids prob would have done the same thing to some balloons had they had access to some. Enjoy their weirdness because one day (thank phucking gawd) they are going to grow up and not want anything to do with you. I am waiting for that day. =) I may be kidding, may not. I have 3 kids. 25DS, 9DS & 10DD. And they're all 3 weird little bastards.

The mad woman behind the blog said...

I don't know who I love more, your kids or your readers.

Okay, its you.

Damn, I try to keep these things to myself.

pattypunker said...

need pics of the urinary wall art! i mean if i wasn't disturbed myself, i wouldn't be here, right?

Brutalism said...

And yet, pee on the wall and creepy balloons are BOTH more aesthetically pleasing than a Thomas Kinkade print.

CityMom2 said...

Ditto on the T. Kinkade stuff.
and you can't fool me, the kids are gone and my old man is still looking for an excuse to make piss art...in the front yard.

you should see what G.I. Joes can do. The have LOTS of joints :)
cmom
http://www.countrywifecitymom.com

Moooooog35 said...

William: Chicks DIG IT.

noname: They'd probably sell more crap than I do, too.

Speaking: I thought air came out, too. Imagine my dog's surprise.

Too much again?

That One: They ARE awesome. And free to a good home.

Peggy: Um..gee. Wonder where they get it from?

*whistles

Mad Woman: How you doin'?

*wink

Patty: I'm working on one as we speak.

You're welcome.

Brutalism: I KNOW.

(I don't)

CityMom: A man has to go where a man has to go.

I'm making that into a shirt.

The Invisible Seductress said...

tooooooo funny!!!

your kids rock!!!

Eva Gallant said...

If I'm ever in the neighborhood and decide to visit, I'l be sure to find a portapotty first. Not going near a bathroom with Rorschach pee stains on the wall. Those will smell after a while!

Cheryl said...

That shit's better than anything I can draw.
I should be ashamed of myself.
But I'm strangely proud.

Jeremy from We Took The Bait said...

I think the normal looking balloon face is Lois Pewterschmidt-Griffin from "The Family Guy."

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

The first one has an ice cream cone and a mustache. Is that pedophile ice cream truck man?

"Where did ice cream man touch you, honey? Show me on the balloon."

Anonymous said...

I think it a good sign the balloons are taking a shower together . . . . this shows a latent desire on their part to remove all signs of evidence including fingerprints and allow the water to also throw off the tracking bloodhounds.

Maybe it isn't the best of signs.
Forget it.

You have your own hell to live, I have mine.

J.J. in L.A. said...

You'll be singing a different tune when they start making money at this.

Just sayin'...

Jen said...

Karen Black will be ringing your doorbell soon. If it happens, don't let her in.

Moooooog35 said...

Invisible: They DO rock. Rock what, though, I'm not quite sure.

Eva: You won't smell the pee over the stale poo odor. I can promise you this.

Cheryl: Whatever makes you sleep better. Go with that.

Jeremy: OHMYGOD you are SO right.

So. Proud.

SteamMe: "He touched me right about.."

*POP*

Anonymous: Sometimes, in the shower, you can hear latex squeaking together softly.

SO HOT.

JJ: You can make money scaring your parents?!

Jen: I had to Google 'Karen Black.'

Don't make me do that again, please.

Amonymous said...

You need to just admit that you drew all of those faces yourself, trying to get the perfect look to hold you over until your first "Real Doll" arrives.

It's okay. The first step is admitting it...

steff said...

yeah but WHAT do you ejaculate?

you know what. nevermind...

Paige said...

hahah effing love it!

Pat said...

And this is the exact reason why I hate balloons. They smell, they give off a god awful sound if you rub them with your hand, and they gather together plotting your murder in your shower stall. Did you find a knife? If you listened carefully, I bet you would have heard scary music.

Miley (woman:confused) said...

You know, my daughter draws on every balloon she finds but I think it's more creepy when she draws on... EMPTY JUGS. Like the gallon jug of milk, or the water or the V8 or grape juice.
She also puts yarn on them and leaves them in weird places.
Unfortunately, she doesn't draw as well as your kiddos so everything looks like the ugly "sarah jessica" stuff. Especially when she uses yarn for their mouth.

meleah rebeccah said...

OMG!!! I would have been terrified if I saw ANY of those balloons around my house!

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