When I moved out of the house and into my swank 720 square foot one-bedroom bachelor pad with my daughter's hamster and pink bathroom and a nextdoor neighbor with an unintelligable last name (what is that..Portuguese? Spanish? How do you string 8 consonants together?) who would bang on my wall at 8:00 pm because I was making too much noise vacumming and I'M SO SORRY that I like my shitty apartment free of ANTS, you asshole...
...my first order of business after crying in the fetal position for hours and hours was to get a newspaper subscription.
It's all about priorities.
But I noticed every other morning that when I opened my door after triple checking that there weren't gang members out there fo-shizzle that my..
newspaper..
was..
GONE.
No newspaper.
And I would wait and wait and wait for it but it would never show and eventually my phone would ring and my boss would be, "Are you gracing us with your presence today, Rodney? It's NOON," and then I'd have to explain to him "I have a newspaper CRISIS going on, Mike, so I'm going to have to work from home today," and he's like, "..but your laptop is in the office here..how are you working from home..?" and I'm all, "I don't have time for this idle chitchat, Mike, with a newspaper thief on the loose."
Eventually the phone goes dead.
I think they have to keep me on because firing me would be against Equal Opportunity laws or some shit.
Takin' it to the man.
So now I'm thinking of ways to catch this thief because there's NO WAY I'm spending $32 for 13 weeks of every-other day newspaper. There's a TIMELINE to Beetle Bailey, people..eventually I won't be able to catch up to the plot.
How to catch this thief?
Some ideas:
All of these are obviously brilliant ideas with the exception that I know very little about building things let alone a pulley system that will actually function or, honestly, where people buy pulleys in the first place.
Also, I'm pretty sure the 'Claymore Mine' one would most likely scratch my apartment door and God knows that I'll need my security deposit back at some point.
That's when..one day...I noticed..
THIS:
Um..
Yeah.
I forgot that I have a second door to the apartment for some reason.
The newspapers had probably just been sitting there at the OTHER door the whole time.
Huh.
But because physically turning my head to look down the hall is just way too exhausting at 5:30 in the morning, I would apparently rather bitch about it and dream up a complex machine involving pulleys and anvils and rifles and explosive devices and shit that would kill random people walking down the hallway.
Which you could then read about in the newspaper.
Assuming it's not stolen.
Monday, November 08, 2010
I'd LIKE to Read All About It but There's NOTHING TO READ
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41 comments:
Your neighbor probably reads them and then leaves them at the wrong door.
For pulleys; hardware store. (just in case you ever feel like being a cartoon character)
There's nothing quite like a "Duh!" moment.! Glad the crisis was resolved without physical harm to anyone!
You know how to read? God I am constantly amazed at all the things you can do.
Nice back door.
the anvil/pulley/rifle thungummy was more interesting anyway
great post! i laughed so hard i fell off my chair
I am very intrigued by this second door, within arm's reach (but apparently very much out of sight) of the first door. I like to imagine all the uses of said door, all of which are surely clever and ingenius, albeit none of which I can think of right at this moment (the pressure... oh god, the pressure!).
Two words: Awesome-sauce!!
Wait... is it still 2 words if it's hyphonated?
I should really read more. If only I had a second door and some newspapers....
That monkey picture is so awesome on so many levels that begin with "epic" and just keep going up that I can't even begin to describe it other than saying how awesome it is.
love the way your brain works. keep it coming
That's a shame. I was really hoping for future posts regarding the anvil trap plan :-( Can you just go ahead and rig up an anvil system for some other reason?
I am totally impressed that your 720 square foot apartment has 2 doors. :)
Well, you know, if that second door thing stops working out for you, you could always go back to attending the Acme School For Super Geniuses.
Ann: You know way too much about pulleys.
Do you contract out?
Eva: Who said that?!
Vapid: I was going to say the same thing about your back door.
Kage: You might want to get a chair with arms or something.
Just sayin'.
Gilsner: I have not a clue what the second door is for. I thought 'fire exit' but that would have to be a really really small fire and probably not much to freak out about.
Mjenks: So..you don't like the monkey?
Justus: that's what she said.
Cynicism: I agree. Because nothing says 'funny' like 'catastrophic head injury.'
Dazee: I'm available for free showings.
Gini: I know..but I keep falling off cliffs there.
In this Tom & Jerry cartoon you are clearly the cat...and the mouse... Or touched in the head.
I would so hate to live in an apartment complex for this very reason. When I want to do Tarzan yells for no reason after dark I dont want the assbag next door getting bent about it. Steal my newspaper and well it would be on,like donkey kong.
Good job, Wile E. Coyote!
Beep beep!
that burglar is kinda hot. I like a man who can wear a ridiculous costume.
Between the conversation with your boss, the Tommy Lee Jones reference on the monkey photo, having two doors to your apartment, "dreaming about a complex machine involving pulleys and anvils and rifles and explosive devices and shit that would kill random people walking down the hallway." And EVERYTHING else in this post, I cannot stop laughing.
Sofa.King.Funny. And so well written!
I just had to share this on Twitter and Facebook.
Wait, You're single?
Sister: hahaha..you said 'head'
Midwestern: Thanks. That helps ease the pain of apartment living.
Opto: That's all, folks.
God..that was so lame.
andygirl: Sending you pics now...please ignore the donkey.
Meleah: Why is it that we haven't hooked up yet again?
Knight: I am. Newly. Kind of. August. Lots of. Periods in this. Reply. Not. Sure. Why.
LMAO! Single men really do not do well on their own.
Dying here. Hilarious. Never has a single two-letter word, "oh." made me laugh out loud so unexpectedly I spit on my laptop screen. Ew, but worth it. Thanks for the laugh, dude.
I would have loved to have seen the expression on your face when the 'DUH' moment hit and the light came on!!
Glad I popped over for this read. Meleah was right. This is very very funny.
Good luck and I can't wait to read more of your new adventures as a newly single man!
I definitely have got to add you to my blog roll!!
Hilarious!
Jackie:-))))
You know, I kinda like that burglar. I mean, let him steal your newspaper. He is clearly superior, in so many ways...
My next door neighbor had a similar situation abut two years ago when he moved in. He'd arranged for delivery at his house and after days of not getting the paper despite calling in and confirming his address, he assumed someone was stealing his paper.
I was the "someone" he thought was stealing his precious paper.
So one morning he woke up extra early and caught me red-handed with a newspaper under my arm walking back to my house.
After ten minutes of listening to him rant about what a lowlife piece of sh*t I was, I calmly showed him the little address label sticker on the newspaper with MY NAME and MY ADDRESS on it.
Turns out, he'd given them his old address every time he'd called in out of habit, and he apologized very profusely to me afterward.
Do you need a case manager? Although I don't cover NH.
I think I'm falling in love with you. I'd ask for your key, but I'd probably get one for the wrong door, and then your watch hamster would mangle my toes as I try to make it to the pink bathroom. Love, love, LOVE your writing!
(you can call me "Poopsie". I won't tell my fiance)
HA! Funny Stuff!
And nicely tied up at the end!
Just like Meleah said! :)
~ZZ
The question isn't "How to catch a thief?" - it's "Why the hell do I have 2 doors???"
Sorry no offense but this post just proves how stupid you are.
Still it made me giggle, good stuff!.
Jayne: If by 'really well' you mean 'we suck' then, yes, we do really well.
Junk Drawer: It's unbelievable how many comments I get about people spitting.
*insert inappropriate joke here
Shinade: Thanks for the visit!! And you're welcome back any time!
Empress: You ladies and your 'bad boys.'
BadLarry: I don't understand. Where's the part where you get him in an arm-bar and make him call you 'king?'
Malach: Yes. Please come manage my case.
I don't know what I mean by that.
Pam: I am nothing if smittifying (the art of making women smitten).
Greeneyezz: Nicely tied up at the end?
So many euphemisms. So little time.
JJ: I don't have a single f'ing clue. Really.
Steyny: Pot. Kettle. Black.
*match point
That's some funny stuff. I couldn't stop reading and just had to find out where the papers were going. Second door is definitely an interesting layout but no looking down the hall is hilarious:) (laughing WITH you)
The ears on the Hamburglar now have ME crying in a fetal position.
i have tried to leave a comment that was awesome like 47 times or maybe it was one time but anyhow IT WAS FUNNY eff it already
I'm shocked and disappointed. Shocked that you would have apples and disappointed that there will be no anvil stories.
I was soooo excited.
No one comments about the hair on the table??? WTF? Isn't that a black wig? I assume to disguise yourself so you can steal your own paper. Or have kinky sex pretending to be Brent Smith. Either way, that's hot.
I have a second door into the same hallway and the wife sometimes puts a bag of trash there and doesn't tell me there is trash to take out so like 2 days later I'll notice and yeah that sucks but not sure why you needed to know it.
perhaps I should set up a pulley trap to get her....that probably wouldn't help.
also our paper gets stolen all the time (or did we canceled it) but the dude wouldn't bring it just throw it on the steps and I mean we on a pretty populated street.
what's the third door? your S&M chamber?
I like the two doors to the apartment thing. If you have a robber or a man-rapist break in the one door, you can run out the other door. See? You can't be trapped / cornered in your own apartment. It's like a safety measure. I wonder if you had to pay extra for that.
Check the paper for stinky-ness...you know, if someone else actually read them before putting them back.
isn't that what all of you boys do? poo with the paper in hand?
I don't know why you find it difficult to string 8 consonants together. WTF? Practice.
kzxvbnmyz- totally legit last name here.
Well this is actually kind of disappointing to me because here I was thinking, HOMg I'm not the only one who has their paper stolen! yay! but come to find out you just have two doors and you're to lazy to turn your head at the ass crack of dawn.
(Two years ago we had someone who stole our sunday paper, every sunday. It sucked, I live for my Sunday comics.)
Oh my god, I would love to post something awesome in the comments but seriously... how can I improve on perfection?
Hilarity dude, pure genius. Thank you.
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