Like the rest of the United States and Canada and, apparently, giant flocks of birds, I've been battling a wicked cold and cough and chest congestion that feels like little Cough Nazis are invading my Lung Poland.
It makes sense in my head.
So, of course, I do what everyone else does who has been sick forever and made a doctors appointment.
I Googled it.
Thanks to the wonderful world of Google's 'autofill' which tries to guess what you're going to type next, please follow me through the things that pop up when I simply try Googling 'I have chest congestion.'
Sadly, this is not my first tussle with Google. Nor, do I predict, will it be my last.
Of course, 'autofill' changes every time you type in another letter but I was, like, 'wtf is Planck's constant?' so for those of you morbidly curious I went to wikipedia:
The Planck constant (denoted h), also called Planck's constant, is a physical constant reflecting the sizes of quanta in quantum mechanics.
Then I was thinking "oh...your quanta..it's so BIG' and then "quantum" got me thinking about Quantum Leap which, honestly, ended much too soon.
blah blah blah I miss Scott Bakula on television.
His next search:
"I have a dream that I have friends"
Let's keep going...
And remember, kids:
"Chlamydia" is just an anagram for "Clam day, hi."
Seems strangely appropriate.
Who's up now?
Maybe you have chest pains because of ALL THE CHEESEBURGERS.
AH. We're here!
So I finished Googling and really didn't feel like digging for answers because after the "Planck's constant" bullshit I honestly had a frigging headache on top of my chest congestion so I just decided to go home and take some Nyquil and then had nightmares involving Scott Bakula and Martin Luther King attacking me in college with cheeseburgers.
I hate you, Google.