What Planck's Constant has to do with Chest Congestion, only Google Can Answer. Badly. | Mental Poo

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

What Planck's Constant has to do with Chest Congestion, only Google Can Answer. Badly.

Like the rest of the United States and Canada and, apparently, giant flocks of birds, I've been battling a wicked cold and cough and chest congestion that feels like little Cough Nazis are invading my Lung Poland.

It makes sense in my head.

So, of course, I do what everyone else does who has been sick forever and made a doctors appointment.

Just kidding.

I Googled it.

Thanks to the wonderful world of Google's 'autofill' which tries to guess what you're going to type next, please follow me through the things that pop up when I simply try Googling 'I have chest congestion.'

Sadly, this is not my first tussle with Google. Nor, do I predict, will it be my last.

Let's begin:

Of course, 'autofill' changes every time you type in another letter but I was, like, 'wtf is Planck's constant?' so for those of you morbidly curious I went to wikipedia:

The Planck constant (denoted h), also called Planck's constant, is a physical constant reflecting the sizes of quanta in quantum mechanics.


Then I was thinking "oh...your quanta..it's so BIG' and then "quantum" got me thinking about Quantum Leap which, honestly, ended much too soon.

blah blah blah I miss Scott Bakula on television.


His next search:

"I have a dream that I have friends"

Let's keep going...

And remember, kids:

"Chlamydia" is just an anagram for "Clam day, hi."

Seems strangely appropriate.

Who's up now?


Maybe you have chest pains because of ALL THE CHEESEBURGERS.

Just sayin'.

AH. We're here!

So I finished Googling and really didn't feel like digging for answers because after the "Planck's constant" bullshit I honestly had a frigging headache on top of my chest congestion so I just decided to go home and take some Nyquil and then had nightmares involving Scott Bakula and Martin Luther King attacking me in college with cheeseburgers.

I hate you, Google.


A Vapid Blonde said...

I am Dr. Google. And it's not a pretty job. There is always something fucked up going on over at google.

MrsBlogAlot said...

Nyquil dreams are the worst! What do they put in that stuff?

Stay away from Google...there are all kinds of new germs in there you can catch.

I hope you feel better! (-:

Anonymous said...

oh god I need a tissue.......

Vodka Logic said...

Thanks and now I have flashbacks from that awful physics class in college.

Mandy_Fish said...

Quantum Leap ruled.

Kev D. said...

The amazing thing is, you could do about 4 million posts like this, and it would ALWAYS be funny.

Well fucking done.

Unknown said...

I can always count on you to make me laugh! Hope you feel better soon.....seriously, you might want to see a doctor. You could end up with pneumonia...not fun. Been there, done that.

Knight said...

Today I learned that cheeseburgers cure chest pain, congestion, and clam day, hi. Thanks Google! No wonder America is so fat. We all have chlamydia.

Anonymous said...

Scott Bakula is totally on t.v. Men of a Certain Age...google it ; )

Opto-Mom said...

On the other hand, I would welcome anyone to attack me with cheeseburgers. Mama likey da cheeseburgers!

Chelle said...

I enjoy a neocitran & rum when I'm under the weather.

Neocitran is the last frontier of Canadian over the counter heavy narcotics.

If it doesn't cure you, you are too catatonic to care.

Nyquil is for noobs.

Pat said...

I love these posts of yours! I learn SOOO much!

I once tried to kill my kid by giving him nyquil. I grabbed that instead of the liquid children's tylenol, or something like that. I had to call poison control and everything. Yeah. Call me mother of the year. Don't worry, my kid survived.

pattypunker said...

make the dr. appointment. ask for the cough medicine with codeine. the dreams will be well worth it.

Moooooog35 said...

Vapid: You're Dr. Google?

Can you check to see if this is a hernia?

Mrsblogalot: I feel great but my girl has pneumonia.

I should have used Bing.

ryoko861: Why? Did I masturbate?

Vodka: All physics classes are awful.


You've: That's all I'm sayin'.

Kev: If you're looking for money, I have none.

Eva: My daughter has pneumonia.

You're right. Not fun.

Well..for her, I mean.

Knight: FINALLY someone who gets it.

(call me)

Dark: Unless he's time traveling I want no part of these shenanigans.

Opto: throw in some nudity and color me there.

Chelle: My dad used to make something French called 'pounce' or 'punce' or no idea but it was, like, 99% alcohol and molasses.

Pretty sure it predated the magic mushroom.

Pat: I'm like Dateline but with less information.

Patty: My dreams are bad enough. I had Ricky Schroeder on horseback the other night and that was without any medicine.

I've said too much.

Brutalism said...

NyQuil and Scott Bakula? Have you been reading my diary? (Actually, I'm more of a Robitussin/Leo DiCaprio girl). At least that's what the restraining order said.

Henrietta Collins said...

you should have just googled some porn.

then you would have felt better right away.

Maundering mutterer said...

Oooh! What a big quantum you have!

I googled 'biopsy' after I was told I was going to have one and discovered that I didn't want to know.

Get well soon!

VEG said...

We still have "Quantum Leap" on tv regularly up here. And Bakula is still a silly name.

As for math, honestly who needs it in real life unless you're a scientist or pilot or math teacher or engineer? Ok maybe SOME people need it. But the average person can get buy with arithmetic I'm pretty sure. As long as you can work out how to balance your check book and maybe place bets you really don't need quadratic equations and theories and advanced trig, right?

Also, holy FUCK every time I google anything I get a goddamn EHOW page. It's like the Dollar Store of help pages. You'll get answers but they'll break in a day and be poorly constructed. Or...something.

I'm still giggling at the 'no friends' thing. Hee!

VEG said...

Yes, I did write "buy" instead of "by". This isn't because I'm illiterate, it's because I'm STUPID - there's a difference.

HumorSmith said...

I think it's good to have Scott bakula on TV. Hmm...that didn't quite work. Let's see...it's time to put Scott bakula on TV....no...hmmm..is there an eHow for puns?
Let's put the Scott bak in TV. There.

Kev D. said...

I wasn't LOOKING for money... at least not anymore. Fuck.

Andygirl said...

I just want to know who googled "I heart ratio."

Nicole Leigh Shaw said...

Excellent! It's going to take me stuffing a lot of cheeseburgers in my mouth (like, Planck's constantly) to stop the chest pain I have from laughing. Wow, that came out even worse than I imagined it could. Still, funny post.

Didactic Pirate said...

I just love how you apparently Google in complete sentences:

"I have chest congestion."

Do you always speak so directly to Google when you type in the search box?

"I am curious about crop fungus."
"I would like information about Captain and Tenille."
"I am wondering about where to find the world's hottest chili sauce."

Justus Steel said...

Scott Bakula did leave TV much too soon. What an awesome show.

Rahul said...

I'm surprised you didn't get an autofill that said "I am Gay." Those always pop up for me..

Um ,let's forget I said anything.

meleah rebeccah said...

Feel better, Moog. Only YOU can make being sick and Googling for remedies so damned funny.

Deb said...

"And remember, kids:

"Chlamydia" is just an anagram for "Clam day, hi."

Seems strangely appropriate."

Clam Day is an annual holiday here in Maine. It follows Flannel Day and precedes No Teeth Day.

Artist and Geek said...

Here's what Google will not reveal about chest congestion: Funny blogs may induce coughing fits. Laughter prohibited.

Now I need to Google Oxygen deprivation.

And Hi, fellow sufferer. Hope you feel better soon. Thanks, me too.

Malach the Merciless said...

Google is my God, Google and Nyarlthotep

J.J. in L.A. said...

I <3 Scott Bakula! But probably not for the same reason as you.

And being able to type fast has it's advantages.

Moooooog35 said...

Brutalism: Please tell me that I'm mentioned on there, somewhere.

Kage: Well, DUH.

Maundering: Does that mean your opsy likes both male AND females?

Veggie: You still have Quantum Leap in Canada?

What year is it there?

Humor: You forgot the 'ooola' part.

Kev: PHEW. Because I have, like, 3 bucks.

Andy: Obviously someone who loves ratios. wtf.

Nicole: Great. Now I'm all, 'cheeboogie chooboogie.'

Thanks a lot.

Didactic: good grammar is my strong suit

Justus: That's all I'm saying.

Rahul: You're confusing my results with your search history.

The more you know.

Meleah: Come rub some Vicks on my..um...chest.



Artist: You're welcome.

Malach: I'm totally not Googling who that is.

JJ: I can type 60 words a minute but I choose not to. Otherwise, no post.

ClevelandPoet said...

my wife has such a crush on bakula.

probably rightfully so.

I however will work on a mayor McCheese/bakula hybrid.

Ed said...


I had that exact same dream.

Except we were all naked.

And was Peanut Butter & Jelly, instead of Cheeseburgers.

And I didn't need Nyquil beforehand.


A Vapid Blonde said...

Okay Moooooog35- Hold on and now, Cough.

Also? I had a dream last night that My husband and I were hanging with the people of Jersey Shore and Pauly D was into me.

At least it wasn't the Situation. that would be way more intersting.

A Vapid Blonde said...

EWWWW, I just said interesting whenI totally meant emabarassing. I should stop doing drugs.

Anonymous said...

As a fellow sufferer of the chest booger/head boogers/feels like there is something trying to crawl out of your face, I feel for you.

Just wait. If you go to the doctor when they are done looking at you like you're a big baby and they finally just give in and prescribe you the antibiotic...

Its a damn HORSEPILL...seriously the thing is so big I feel I should be getting paid to swallow this twice a day...

Oh well... feel better soon Moooooog.

Diva's Thoughts said...

Dude! I'mma need you to step away from the computer ASAP. lol

Ms. Insane said...

I'm just so glad I stumbled upon your blog! I can't stop smiling after reading your "Google" posts. Very witty! =)

HumorSmith said...

Hey there...just dropped by to laugh and let you know the blogroll rules have changed @ The Chronicle. You display me, I display you. Simplicity itself. Also, I've been flying your flag for a year.....where's the reciprocal love?

Chickens Consigliere said...

yeah, I'd like my legs back now.

Chickens Consigliere said...

yeah, I'd like my legs back now.

chickens consigliere said...

What? I want both of them back.

Greg said...

Wonder what google would say about I have a frigging headache...might offer some interesting answers.

Bill Lisleman said...

great ending on your google adventure. I just read this week that Planck's constant is involve with your car battery starting your car. Some relativity mixed in with a dash of quantum mechanics. So the next time you talk to your mechanic ask if he checked Planck's constant. He probably will be uncertain as he should be.

Alexandra said...

Again, I am asking you to hold a a giveaway where someone just gets to spend an afternoon with you.

Just one afternoon...is all I ask.


We could do google searches all day and laugh and laugh...like I used to do with my 6th grade friend Dean Cain, until he got teased for having a girlfriend...and then, you know...he changed after that.

Anyway, you make me feel like I'm in a study group with Dean Cain.

Anonymous said...

If you are open to having a guest blog poster please reply and let me know. I will provide you with unique content for your blog, thanks.

Lady Ohlala said...

Hahaha, the medical community would love this post... What a better way for them to proove that there is no point in googling a sickness...

Still laughing my A** out (Not a nice language for a lady but can't find a more decent way to express my amusement here)


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