I've tried to make Mario Lopez ugly and I can't.
Every time I see this guy on TV I'm like, "DAMN, dude..you're making me look like SHIT" which is - admittedly - tough to do because I'm kind of a specimen.
So I then come in to work and do what every alpha-male wanna-be does when threatened by another male's dominance in the arena of testosterone and stunning good looks:
I start pasting ugly people's parts onto his face trying to make him hideous.
Like you haven't done this.
Maybe not at work, but that's your fault for not getting paid for screwing off.
*throws smoke bomb and vanishes
LET'S GO TO THE TAPE!
The Original Mario Lopez:
Jesus. I'm all swoony.
I need to go feel a tit or something immediately.
I mean, this is ridiculous, right? Look what us normal assholes have to compete with:
WTF, God?! Really?!
Pretty sure every single one of Mario's buddies is, like, 'Guess I'm wingman tonight' like EVERY NIGHT. I'm sorry, brother..but if you're hanging with Mario ain't no one looking at your shit. NO ONE.
Hair? Dimples? Teeth? Dimples? Chin? Dimples?
So I'm thinking there HAS to be a way to uglify this pretty bastard but there's SO MUCH that's RIGHT about this friggin' guy I don't even know where to start.
So I start morphing him with the ugliest celebs I can think of because SOMETHING has to make him wrong.
The Mario Buscemi Project:
You would think that taking the bottom half of Steve Buscemi's face and pasting it onto Mario's would end up giving you some type of "inbred New Mexico irradiated mutant" look - but what we basically end up getting here is just "A Better Looking Billy Bob Thornton with a snaggle tooth."
Shut the mouth and he's scoring while not even trying.
The Mario Lopez Carrot Top Project:
I thought this was going to be a slam dunk.
I mean, when you think "WHAT. THE FUCK. HAPPENED. TO YOUR FACE?" you think "Carrot Top" but there was SO MUCH wrong with Carrot Top to begin with that I decided to just see if changing the coif of Mr. Lopez would do the trick but instead what we get is Shirley Temple all grown up if, you know, Shirley Temple somehow grew up to be a really good looking Mexican guy.
It's the dimples that get you, really.
The Mario Clint Howard Project:
Well, shit. That didn't work.
Somehow, pasting the top of Clint Howard's head onto Mario ends up making this cutesy Muppet-looking thing that I kind of want to hug or give piggy-back rides.
Maybe if I try replacing the jawline...
If you can ignore the double ears here because, honestly, I don't give THAT much of shit when it comes to detail, I think we're ALMOST there at making Mario start to look like crap.
But I'm on the fence because with just Clint Howard's jaw on here, Mario now looks like some sort of bad-ass guy who plays the hard-ass torturer in movies or the big guy from prison who gets all the homosexual prison ass.
Although he kind of looks like Clive Owen's baby brother and is just one expensive dental treatment away from nailing Julia Roberts.
The Mario Lyle Lovett Experiment
Admittedly, this is probably about as close to getting Mario Lopez looking hideous as I could get..but for some reason I couldn't get the scale right when pasting Lyle Lovett's disgusting mug on top of Mario's head so I can only assume it's either out of scale or Lyle's features deny the natural laws of physics so I think we just have to scratch this one.
No matter what, though - even though he looks slightly retarded in this, that jawline and set of dimples is pulling some serious tail with the moms at the Special Olympics.
The Mario SJP Project:
Well..I'm pulling out all the stops at this point..
Out there. Somewhere. Matthew Broderick just got a woody.
I realized two things on this last one:
1) As much as I can't stand the sight of SJP and really hate to admit this, she has a really nice smile and if she was only made of just a mouth - not including that gross mole thingy on her chin - and not the hideously terrible horse-face, I might let her touch my penis and..
2) Hot damn she has a ginormous nose.
That said, this still wasn't enough to turn the tides against Mario Lopez because even though it looks like he could carry logs with that trunk, the upper part of his face still carries a decent load of the attractiveness factor and nine times out of ten the hair alone would probably allow him to pull more tail than I could at a whorehouse after winning the lottery.
I tried, guys.
I really did.
Moooooog the Wingman out.