I Can't Make Mario Lopez Ugly | Mental Poo

Monday, January 17, 2011

I Can't Make Mario Lopez Ugly


I've tried.

I've tried to make Mario Lopez ugly and I can't.

Every time I see this guy on TV I'm like, "DAMN, dude..you're making me look like SHIT" which is - admittedly - tough to do because I'm kind of a specimen.

So I then come in to work and do what every alpha-male wanna-be does when threatened by another male's dominance in the arena of testosterone and stunning good looks:

I start pasting ugly people's parts onto his face trying to make him hideous.

Like you haven't done this.

Maybe not at work, but that's your fault for not getting paid for screwing off.

*throws smoke bomb and vanishes

LET'S GO TO THE TAPE!

The Original Mario Lopez:


mario lopez
Jesus. I'm all swoony.

I need to go feel a tit or something immediately.

I mean, this is ridiculous, right? Look what us normal assholes have to compete with:

mario lopez cannot compete
WTF, God?! Really?!

Pretty sure every single one of Mario's buddies is, like, 'Guess I'm wingman tonight' like EVERY NIGHT. I'm sorry, brother..but if you're hanging with Mario ain't no one looking at your shit. NO ONE.

Hair? Dimples? Teeth? Dimples? Chin? Dimples?

So I'm thinking there HAS to be a way to uglify this pretty bastard but there's SO MUCH that's RIGHT about this friggin' guy I don't even know where to start.

So I start morphing him with the ugliest celebs I can think of because SOMETHING has to make him wrong.

Right?

The Mario Buscemi Project:

steve buscemi and mario lopez

mario buscemi
Fuck.

You would think that taking the bottom half of Steve Buscemi's face and pasting it onto Mario's would end up giving you some type of "inbred New Mexico irradiated mutant" look - but what we basically end up getting here is just "A Better Looking Billy Bob Thornton with a snaggle tooth."

Shut the mouth and he's scoring while not even trying.

FAIL.

The Mario Lopez Carrot Top Project:

mario lopez carrot top

mario carrot top
I thought this was going to be a slam dunk.

I mean, when you think "WHAT. THE FUCK. HAPPENED. TO YOUR FACE?" you think "Carrot Top" but there was SO MUCH wrong with Carrot Top to begin with that I decided to just see if changing the coif of Mr. Lopez would do the trick but instead what we get is Shirley Temple all grown up if, you know, Shirley Temple somehow grew up to be a really good looking Mexican guy.

It's the dimples that get you, really.

FAIL.

The Mario Clint Howard Project:

clint howard mario lopez

mario howard
Well, shit. That didn't work.

Somehow, pasting the top of Clint Howard's head onto Mario ends up making this cutesy Muppet-looking thing that I kind of want to hug or give piggy-back rides.

Maybe if I try replacing the jawline...

ugly
CRAP.

If you can ignore the double ears here because, honestly, I don't give THAT much of shit when it comes to detail, I think we're ALMOST there at making Mario start to look like crap.

But I'm on the fence because with just Clint Howard's jaw on here, Mario now looks like some sort of bad-ass guy who plays the hard-ass torturer in movies or the big guy from prison who gets all the homosexual prison ass.

Although he kind of looks like Clive Owen's baby brother and is just one expensive dental treatment away from nailing Julia Roberts.

mario howard clive owen
See?

Dammit.

The Mario Lyle Lovett Experiment

mario lopez lyle lovett

mario lovett
GAH.

Admittedly, this is probably about as close to getting Mario Lopez looking hideous as I could get..but for some reason I couldn't get the scale right when pasting Lyle Lovett's disgusting mug on top of Mario's head so I can only assume it's either out of scale or Lyle's features deny the natural laws of physics so I think we just have to scratch this one.

No matter what, though - even though he looks slightly retarded in this, that jawline and set of dimples is pulling some serious tail with the moms at the Special Olympics.

The Mario SJP Project:

Well..I'm pulling out all the stops at this point..

sarah jessica parker mario lopez

sarah jessica lopez
Out there. Somewhere. Matthew Broderick just got a woody.

I realized two things on this last one:

1) As much as I can't stand the sight of SJP and really hate to admit this, she has a really nice smile and if she was only made of just a mouth - not including that gross mole thingy on her chin - and not the hideously terrible horse-face, I might let her touch my penis and..

2) Hot damn she has a ginormous nose.

That said, this still wasn't enough to turn the tides against Mario Lopez because even though it looks like he could carry logs with that trunk, the upper part of his face still carries a decent load of the attractiveness factor and nine times out of ten the hair alone would probably allow him to pull more tail than I could at a whorehouse after winning the lottery.

Damn.

I tried, guys.

I really did.

Moooooog the Wingman out.

49 comments:

The Vegetable Assassin said...

I think that somewhere at the FBI headquarters in Virginia, there is a big book about how to profile a serial killer and in that book there is a paragraph about people who take parts from one person and superglue them onto pictures of another person while touching themselves inappropriately. Right now I'll bet there are agents eating old sandwiches, in a car outside your apartment waiting for your next move... Better take that collage on your bedroom wall down, dude. :)

Damn you found some fuglies. Although I have to say Clive is quite easy on the eyes.

Also Mario is too pretty. He can be YOUR boyfriend.

ryoko861 said...

Nice to see Sarah J finally aging.

I have a post in que about actors that I hope age poorly. Who the hell are they to age gracefully?

Mario is going to route of Tom Cruise and Scott Baio and John Stamos....perpetual teenagers. They will never grow old and will always be good looking.

Suck it up hon. Your feminine side is just showing, that's all.

Elly Lou said...

If it's any consolation, based on their depth and the size of your junk, I'm pretty sure you could fuck those dimples. Which? Is only a tiny bit gay, right?

I dunno why I'm even trying. Veg's comment is epic. Also it makes me think I should take down MY wall-sized collage of body parts. *sigh*

Eva Gallant said...

I have to agree, Mario is a hunk--even though I'm old enought to be his mother!

SarcasmInAction said...

I can't trust a guy who manscapes as much as Mario.
Not saying I like a chewbacca kind of man, but prettier and smoother than me? No thank you.
I bet his underwear are prettier than most girls'.

Simple Dude said...

Is it weird that if I came across a chick version of the carrot-top Mario in a bar somewhere I wouldn't completely write her off?

SD
simpledudecomplexworld.blogspot.com

Laurie said...

Even if he were a butter face (which he so totally isn't) you could put a bag on his head and just take in the sheer perfection of his body. Damn...I need to pull out the old Saved By The Bell episodes...

michelle said...

the carrot top morph reminded me of Molly Ringwald

and the Matthew Broderick getting a woody part cracked me up

AND you could a bag over that guy's head we might all still be exquisitely ummm... fulfilled

Nicole said...

I'm still imagining myself licking Mario's face. Was there more to this post? I should probably take a cold shower and come back and try again.

Maundering mutterer said...

Message to all ladies: beware of dimply chaps with gelled hair, they do weird things at night involving toothpaste. (How's that? I think it works better than photoshop: the POWER of words!)

I'm so chuffed, I don't even know who this guy is! Maybe my experiments in reclusedom are more effective than I'd thought!

The Empress said...

Mooooog, Moooog, Mooog, the man does NOTHING for me.

It's all about the sense of humor, and that guy? Please. He couldn't make a group of senile octogenarians laugh (lame, but I couldn't think of anything else)

So, spare yourself the anguish. The man's not nothing (but, that doesn't make him something..)

Mrsblogalot said...

HAAA! Nothing makes this man ugly! Can't say you didn't try though.

If it's any consolation, I bet he can't crack us up like you can!


...um, remind me why would we need to laugh with him again?

ThePittsofBeingPeachy said...

I really really can not get past the first paragraph where you say, " I am a specimen" and knowing that your blog name contains poo, the 3rd grader in me ( the part that farts and dutch ovens my kids) was like OMG he's a poo specimen. ON the ML subject, the issue is, HE'S JUST ABSOLUTELY DOABLE. and he's a nice guy, WHICH MAKES HIM MORE DOABLE. Because when you look that good you should have the insanity of Tom Cruise, the moral fiber of Michael Vick and the soul of SATAN. Otherwise you are just screwing up the entire universe. After all we are ACTUALLY graded on a curve in real life and this is the son of a bitch that got the ONLY A in a class of 70's. With that said, you didn't make him ugly enough for me not to bang like a drum in a scorpions video. While I made my husband video tape it, in a church, during mass, yes he's that hot.

Moooooog35 said...

Veggie: I'm really pulling for Scully to be the agent.

literally.

ryoko: *pulls skirt down

Elly: Great. MORE PROJECTS.

Eva: You're a filthy woman.

Sarcasm: Wait. Aren't Mexicans naturally hairless?

Simple: Preaching to the choir, my friend.

Laurie: You're not helping.

Michelle: OMG you're dead-on with the Molly Ringwald thing.

Oh. Look. I just threw up.

Nicole: Don't forget your waterproof camera!

Maundering: wtf is 'chuffed?'

Is that like 'chafed' but with more 'uf?'

No idea.

Empress: Nice try.

Mrsblogalot: I'm just saying IT'S NOT FAIR.

That's all.

Pitts: Thank you for proving my point.

Sadly.

Kev D. said...

Thing is, even if you found some insane way to make his face ugly, all he has to do is flash his FUCKING washboard abs and millions of ladies explode.

Damn.

HumorSmith said...

Good looking guys? *yawn* The world's full of 'em. As long as I have plenty of hand lotion and a fast internet connection, I never have to worry about competing with them for beautiful women.

Are you pulling for me? Never mind, I'll do it myself.

SherilinR said...

that boy is more excellently coiffed than me & that's a bit of a problem for me. give him carrot's hair though & he's someone i could hang out with. we could braid each other's hair & maybe paint our nails. there might even be a pillow fight in there somewhere.

Kage said...

god damn it, rodney.

what IS your fucking job?!?!

J.J. in L.A. said...

I'm with The Empress. I get it that he's cute but he does nothing for me.

Miss Yvonne said...

Don't men wish for every woman to be all mouth?

That's what I thought.

Moooooog35 said...

Kev: Wow, dude. You went gayer than I did there.

HumorSmith: You might want to disinfect that keyboard right about now.

Sherilin: Thank you for my bedtime fantasy.

Kage: You want it, don't you?

My job, I mean.

Or, you know..whatever.

JJ: You keep telling yourself that.

Yvonne: Actually, much LESS MOUTH and more 'randomly open vagina' is the actual wish.

ClevelandPoet said...

I think we should start using carrot top as a means to terrify children into behaving, like an ugly horrifying non present giving santa.

also the wife's friend has sworn on everything she finds holy that while at a bar a long time ago mario lopez was demanding girls dance with him because he was on saved by the bell.

Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts said...

How dare you defile my SJP! Me loves her.

Mario is a total hottie though and he could definitely get it.

meleah rebeccah said...

You need to put Carrot Tops EYES on Mario's face, then add Sarah Jessica Parkers NOSE, and then add Steve Buscemi's MOUTH. That should work.

meleah rebeccah said...

PS: Mario is NOT all that. He's not even funny. I wouldn't bang him.

Malach the Merciless said...

If you had really talent, you would mix the whole bunch together, loser

andygirl said...

If it makes you feel any better, Mario Lopez is kind of a dick.

See, I had the girlhood crush on Slater. Of course I did.

But then I met him. He's a friend of my old roommate. And he's a dick. A total asswipe sleazemonkey douchecanoe. Yup. All those things.

Which makes those dimples not so cute anymore.

Opto-Mom said...

I think that to truly make Mario ugly, you will probably have to step outside of the Hollywood box. After all, they must have some redeeming qualities or they wouldn't be famous, right? Errrr....never mind.

Anyway, find some random homeless person (or perhaps one of your neighbors), and morph them with the Mario. Or maybe that fat Mimi chick from the Drew Carey show.

Christina_the_wench said...

Seriously. Step away from the Photoshop.

There has to be a 12 step program for this somewhere.

Lopez? Too pretty and girlie. Tequilia and a Hefty would need to be involved.

Ed said...

Miss Yvonne stole my line.

Can't knock the Slater though, dude.

Even Zack couldn't compete.

Patty Purviss said...

Now Clive can smile pretty without looking like he put his face on with the Jetsons make-up machine. Hot is hot, but hot and boring is still boring.

Chelle said...

I posted a Stever Buscemi photoshop the day before yesterday. Mentioned in that blog: Clint Howard. *high five*

Mario Lopez's dimples are so cute that they ooze hello kitty poop, which I am assume is pretty cute as far as poop goes.

Don't judge me.

Vodka Logic said...

I try to resist but you drag me in... Mario never "did" it for me.. I am surprised he hasn't come out yet.

Steve Buschemi on the other hand may be ugly but I love him. Go figure

Magic27 said...

OK. So, where to start?
First off, I'd never heard of ML till you did this post. I have obviously led a very quiet, sheltered (European) life...
Second, yeah, he's cute, but he's just a little too "perfect" for me, a little clean-cut, ya know? I prefer them a bit more "rough", "rebellious", whatevs. Johnny Depp, for example, or Puck from Glee (exception: I found Zac Efron absolutely adorable in Hairspray, but only in that film, nowhere else).
Next: the morphing. I think one of the commenters hit the nail on the head - you need to include various bits of various people (Steve Buscemi's mouth - or better yet, the mouth of the lead singer from The Pogues: have you SEEN that guy's teeth?).
Lastly: Carrot Top. Who is that? Is it someone "famous"? Not to me, anyway. And can I just make sure that it's the "whole person" you don't like and not just the red hair? BECAUSE I HAVE RED HAIR AND HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO REACT BADLY TO PEOPLE MAKING FUN OF IT (right, Sasha, remember the spaghetti sauce incident back in 6th grade? Uh? Yeah?). Just checkin'

Chris@Knucklehead! said...

The "Mario with Clint Howard's jawline" looks eerily like Erik Estrada.

Weird.

Sassy Stylings said...

After reading this post, I've come to this conclusion: Mario Lopez is to men what Halle Berry is to women.

SisterMerryHellish said...

You've got to hit him where it hurts, right in the dimples! I bet if you could find a pic where he wasn't smiling and went all Dr. Frankenstein on him again you'd have it!

Maybe.

Knight said...

It's just creepy that you posted about the exact same person I've been having sexy nightmares about. I would rather fantasize about you.

Moooooog35 said...

Cleveland: I don't think we have to do anything..Carrot Top does that all on his own.

Tee: I didn't defile her. Nature did.

Meleah: You realize that sounds like work, right?

Malach: You cut me deep, man.

Andygirl: It does not. Thanks for trying.

Opto: You people are never happy with what I give you.

Christina: It's MS Paint. And for that, there is no cure.

Ed: RIGHT?!

Patty: hot and boring is also still hot.

Chelle: Honestly? Kind of creepy.

Vodka: Yes. Buscemi is quite the catch.

Magic: I won't make fun of your red hair.

You have your own issues to deal with.

Chris: It's ALL weird.

Welcome to my world.

Sassy: mmm. Halle Berry.

Sorry. What?

Sister: Nice try, sista.

Knight: I'm actually going to take that as a compliment because, otherwise, it just sounds plain mean.

I've always loved you.

Knight said...

Oh I meant it as a compliment!

Sandra said...

Well you tried your best. Mario is just not meant to be fugly.
And those other guys you selected where some ugly creatures!
Oh, well, a guy could do far worse than get Mario's castoffs at the bar, right?

Chelle said...

Creepy? Or awesome......

Brandy Rose said...

Whoa! Its like there were cloning experiments and finally, thats how the "real" Mario came to be.

Erica Ortiz said...

This brings Bro-mance to a whole, disturbingly creepy, new level.

Sarah Elizabeth said...

Would you lose any respect for me if I said I find all those people you meshed him with attractive?

Other than Sarah Jessica Parker, of course. She's a horse stuck in a human's body, and I'm so not into bestiality.

KLZ said...

No unibrow? Come on, that's clearly not natural. He's working on that. So there is a tiny flaw. That he makes sure to get fixed so no one notices.

That's...one in your favor, surely?

DVeau said...

I can't believe the defilement of photoshop - you should be hung for the sacriliage of marring such perfection!
I mean, really - why would you DO that to Steve Buscemi?!??
He's perfect.

HeathRobots said...

You might not be able to make him ugly, but I know how to make him extremely creepy. Read this cracked.com article. But be warned...even though it is fictitious you will never look at him the same way again.

http://www.cracked.com/blog/extra-mario-lopez-has-no-soul/

ricky said...

What happened to brad pitt? he was the it guy for a while! and now its mario! Hes 39 yrs old! a good looking guy is a myth! theres no good looking guys! all we are is trends every decade its someone new and the old gets thrown away! just like brad Pitt. thats a sign that we are not attractive! its all a childish game getting board of someone and looking for someone else! thats it. and the next decade it will happen again!

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