The Attack of Gobblezilla | Mental Poo

Monday, February 28, 2011

The Attack of Gobblezilla

I walked out of my apartment the other day to go warm up my car and was greeted with this lovely sight:

turkey armageddon
SO MANY TURKEYS!

Please note that the name of that picture is 'turkey armageddon' because I don't care who you are, if you see an army of 20 pound turkeys stalking your parking lot like they own the place, you kind of have to assume they're packing weapons or will - at the very least - throw giblet grenades or some shit like that at you.

no idea
So after hiding behind several parked cars and doing random shoulder-rolls to remain out of their peripheral vision while snapping pictures I called my kids to tell them what I just saw.

Daughter: "Turkeys? Were they as big as the monster one you saw before?"

Ah.

The monster turkey.

Gobblezilla.

lying to your kids is fun
She's referencing a story I told them about something that happened to me one morning a long time ago.

Here is the story:

1) I took my dog out for a walk one morning
2) I was startled by something and saw a wild turkey jump my neighbor's fence and run across the street

ooooh.

But since I'm a dad, it is my moral obligation to make this story as fascinating as possible by lying through my teeth so...

THIS is how my children know the story:

walking the dog

heard a noise
WAIT.

Scratch that.

commotion

something approaching

mysterious
As the shape emerged from the darkness...

I came face to face with the beast.

ohmygod omg
Gobblezilla!

monster turkey
Me: "My heart was racing. I had never before seen a wild turkey, kids...let alone such a vicious beast!"

Daughter: "Fangs? COME ON. No he didn't."

Me: "Yes he did. MANDIBLES OF DEATH, THEY WERE!"

On a related note: GIRLS TRY TO RUIN EVERYTHING.

Son: "How big was he, daddy?"

giant turkey
Yep.

That turkey was six feet if it was an inch.

Son: "How big is six feet?"

At this point I basically raise my arm about a foot over my head because being short sucks ass SO BAD I hate it I hate it I hate it.

I've digressed.

Daughter: "Then what happened!?"

Me: "The unthinkable happened. IT CHARGED."

monster turkey jumps
* Yes. The turkey actually jumped over the goddamn fence. This part of the story is true and quite shocking if you're not expecting to see a turkey AT ALL - never mind seeing a turkey that has mad mad rebounding skillz.

Son: "He jumped over the fence?!"

Me: "Yes. I had no idea turkeys could jump but, then, this was no ordinary turkey. And Lexi was freaking out so I scooped her up in my arms to protect her because if I didn't, the turkey surely would have destroyed her."

primal fear
Son: "Did you die?"

Me: "Yes. Yes, I died. Come on. It's like you're not even trying."

Son: "What did you do?"

turkey runs away
Daughter: "It ran off? Where did it go?"

Me: "I don't know. I never saw another turkey again, let alone the giant monster one. Probably because after that I pretty much stopped walking the dog."

Son: "You think it's still alive?"

Me: "I can only assume that, yes, it's still out there. Always waiting. Always watching."

It's usually right around there that the story dies and my son stays awake the next six nights because he's having dreams of being an actual turkey dinner.

Maybe I won't show him the other photo I took this morning:

it lives

49 comments:

Christina_the_wench said...

There is a special place in hell for you, Father of the Year. Good job. lol

laughingmom said...

Love it! You obviously need to arm yourself with more than a camera. My hubby has a blow dart to take on the Megalon-like heron that eats his pond fish - Ooooooooooh it could take on Gobblezilla (Gobblezilla vs. Storkalon?)...

Demented Duchess said...

That was great. Though, I have to tell you where my mind went after looking at one of your pictures....A turkey with six pack abs would suck as a meal. I don't care how big it is, no one wants to eat a turkey full of muscle. Too tough. **sigh** ADD strikes again.

Doug Stephens said...

I don't understand. If you died, how are you telling us about it? Are you a ghost? Please explain.

Ed said...

Lying to your kids.

Its one of the few good things about being a parent.


Damn dude, you need a gun. That's a lot of Thanksgivings walking through that parking lot.

Elly Lou said...

Is that a turkey or The Situation?

Brutalism said...

Where the hell do you live? Sure, we get squirrels and foxes and the occasional drunk neighbor in our yard...but turkeys?

Sandra said...

I won't be showing my husband this post. He'll find out where you live and start hanging around your parking lot with his hunting riffle. He LOVES turkey. He lives for another holiday where this bird is the main course.

Quirkyloon said...

"mandibles of death" ?

"always watching. always waiting."

I'm not sure which line made me laugh harder, but now I'm having a coughing spasm thanks to you.

*dark eyes*

Thanks.

Mrsblogalot said...

HAAA!!


Scaring little children with wild exaggerated turkey stories...


AWESOME!!

Pat said...

I don't know what I enjoyed more - your story or your drawings. Both were hysterical. A little bit of advice, though. You'd better start putting some money away for that huge therapy bill you're going to have to pay pretty soon for your kids. You are definitely destroying their brains!

Moooooog35 said...

Christina: I know. I hope I get a good seat!!

laughingmom: I smell sequel!

Demented: That's why I always stay away from the muscly parts. That sounded weird.

Doug: Now you sound like my son.

Ed: Dude. I was shaking in my boots when I saw these things. It was like 'Warriors' but with plumage.

Elly: Situation, Turkey.

Sounds like a movie.

Brutalism: I KNOW IT. FREAKY.

Sandra: Gah. I didn't think anyone liked turkey. You may want to have him committed.

Quirky: You're welcome.

*wink

Mrsblogalot: It's how I roll.

Pat: They're 50% of my DNA..their brains are pretty much fried already.

Kev D. said...

I never would have made it to work. Definitely a work from home day.

For the record, I have an absurdly irrational fear of birds... so, your story would need no embellishing for me.

YOU: "There are turkeys all around your car."
ME: "I hope that someone delivers toilet paper, because I'm not going outside for at least a year."

Kage said...

dear mr. lacroix,

you can run, but you can't hide.

this is for every thanksgiving that you have eaten the flesh of our kin. we WILL have our revenge! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

kind thoughts,

the turkish revolution

Rach said...

I am so glad you're not my Father, you shouldn't do that to your kids.. :( My dad only tells me about how a peacock is going to kill me if i don't wash his car. (yeah, peacocks do that.. his brother didn't wash grandpa's car and a peacock ate him, he had a Mexican brother back then who got killed by a peacock, RIP Mexican uncle)



Bitchzilla on The loose.

Life in the mom lane said...

this is one of the true joys of parenthood- lying to your little kids and having them believe it hook line & sinker!!!! *L*

SarcasmInAction said...

Do you think it's true that turkeys drown when it rains?
Cuz if so, you could just attack them with a garden hose and poof! That apocalypse is taken care of. On to the zombies.
Oh no! What if the zombies and turkeys are in on it together? Now I'm gonna have nightmares too.

The Schweitzers said...

I've tried telling stories like that to my 2 boys (no girls), they constantly interrupt with, "Was there blood? Were there guts hanging out? Would it use its barbs to shoot you in the eye and then you'd die." Boys. Gotta love 'em.

Mike said...

Aren't you supposed to snap it's neck, pluck it's feathers and give it to a woman to cook so you can eat it like a real man?

Just saying.

If I Were God... said...

The key to a tall tale is the random element even you can't explain -it makes it feel real.

You handled it nicely having gobblezilla run for no reason.

Totally works on adults too. Lipstick on your collar? "Honey, this woman crossed the restaurant, blotted her lips on my collar-"
"Sure she did."
"No wait. Blotted, then says Men don't use me like a tissue, I use them."
"She what?"
"And walked away. I was speachless."
"What the f- you point that bitch out to me if you see here again."

PBJdreamer said...

you're awsome

but Kage is still distracting me


What else do you exaggerate the size of Mr Moooooooooooooooooog35


heeee

Vodka Logic said...

You are definitely one of a kind... and I'm not sure that is a good thing and yet I keep coming back

meleah rebeccah said...

Seriously, WHY the fuck are there so many wild turkeys in your parking lot? And, you need to MOVE. Like, immediately.

ryoko861 said...

You have quite an imagination and you're having way too much fun with your photoshop program or what ever program you use to make these funny pictures!

I can't wait til your kids grow older. Pay back is going to be a bitch!

The Empress said...

Can I tell you the level to which you've elevated me in my son's eyes?

I am now a cool mom..since I let him read and snort to Turkeys of doom.

Thanks, mooog, I now rawk! this mom gig.

xo

I wish I had your mad skills with cartoons. I would rule the world. (never mind that madonna said that first)

Malach the Merciless said...

Wild Turkey's good eating, with a bottle of Wild Turkey

jill said...

i'm still back on the fact that that picture came up when you googled "turkey armaggedon." so many questions....

Kris said...

Moooooog -

So much to share here.

1) I have had wild turkeys wander through my yard. Plus also? There was one turkey who thought our minivan was a big fat turkey threat and he would chase our minivan and attack us when we pulled out of the driveway.

2) More threatening? A herd of turkey vultures that took up residence outside our house one afternoon. About 30 of them . . . and they do not scare easily. Turkey vultures eat dead stuff, you know. We were not dead, but we felt oddly threatened. Also? Turkey vultures have nothing to do with turkeys, so what the fuck with their name?

3) (There always has to be a third point or you get an F on the 4th grade outlining assignment). Third? I lie to my children all the time. Most recently when our dog caught and ate a hummingbird in our back yard. No wait. That was laughing, not lying. Never mind.

See?

You asked?

I came.

ThePittsofBeingPeachy said...

WTF do you live? Butterball land?
My god I live in the southern sticks and have NEVER seen a damn turkey in my yard.

Moooooog35 said...

Kev: Your fear would not be irrational had you seen this thing.

Killer eyes. Killer eyes.

Kage: Seriously. You don't even need to comment. Just put that pic up every time and we're all good.

Rach: I'm glad I'm not your dad, too, based on the feelings I'm having just looking at your avatar.

Wouldn't be healthy.

Life: MY POINT EXACTLY.

Sarcasm: THEY DROWN?! Why aren't there dead turkeys floating all over the place then?

Schweitzers: My son's stories trump mine every single time.

Mike: No. I just run.

If I Were a God: What's the random element? That shit happens to me ALL THE TIME.

PBJ: If you want to know, send me your cell number.

Vodka: I'm like heroin but less needlish.

Meleah: I have no idea. Maybe because my neighbors smell like stuffing.

ryoko: It's MS Paint. I can't afford anything else if you people won't buy mugs.

Empress: Elevate you? I was kind of more looking forward to getting you prone.

DAMMIT.

Malach: I don't like either. I may have a vagina.

Jill: I know. SO CONFUSED.

Kris: Nice to see you made it! Next time, start your comment off with, 'Call me Ishmael...'

Jesus, woman.

Peachy: Yes. It's 'Butterball Land.'

But less 'butter' and more 'lube.'

WebSavvyMom said...

-->I prefer the Wild Turkey they sell by the liter.

http://www.websavvymom.com

If I Were God... said...

I have solved the Turkey Armageddon riddle.

The clothes and archery targets make it a renaissance faire. The cardinal forcing a blowjob represents church abuses of the day, and the man resisting is Martin Luther. -they're Reformation re-enactors!

(see what happens when we don't learn from history? It repeats itself)

A Vapid Blonde said...

We have Zombie Stalker Turkeys around my neck of the woods.

Peck...Peck...Peck...At the downstairs bedroom window trying to get it in.

Gobble...Gobble...Gobble. On the roof. ON. THE. ROOF.

This is why I sleep with a roasting pan on my head, an ax by my pillow and a turkey baster on the nightstand.

They are merciless.

HeathRobots said...

What I learned: #1. Birds are scary, be they Turkey or Larry. Actually that almost rhymes, so maybe that will be my motto in life. #2. Turkey Armageddon is possibly the codename the catholic church gave to all the charges of molestation against their priests.

I may never sleep peacefully again. So, thank you for that.

Rachele said...

That killer Turkey is awesome... and a bit scary. I thought it was odd that we were approached by peacocks at the zoo... in the parking lot. Then we saw one on a roof and didn't know they could fly. We were at the zoo, though. Turkeys in your parking lot can NOT be a good sin of things to come.

Miss Yvonne said...

I can tell that you don't live in Texas, because them thar turkeys be dead iff'in they be livin' down in these here parts.

That was my southern redneck accent. You like?

Vinny C said...

I've never seen a turkey with a six-pack before. Poison feather barbs & killing-claws, sure, but never a six-pack.

The conversation balloons between the turkeys in the first shot are hilarious.

Rahul said...

That would be the world's scariest wishbone.

Big Mama Cass said...

I need to start wearing a diaper to come read your blog.

Lanned said...

My nephew was attacked by a wild turkey and not long after that by a chicken. At that point we determined the poultry mafia had put a hit out in him. He's in witness protection now.

A Cappelli said...

Your story has made me feel less guilty about enjoying a good turkey breast on Thanksgiving. Turkeys are evil. Love your illustrations.

Jonah Gibson said...

I have personally been whacked in the face by a domestic turkey. I saw stars. I nearly passed out. You may have been a little over the top with the fire, but turkeys are brutish beasts. You are right to instill a little terror in you kids to keep them wary. A little fear also serves to augment the flavor of your holiday birds. The nightmares make the gravy sublime. Mad parenting skillz.

Mollie said...

Coming to you from S30+... Excellent illustrations. Well played, good sir. But, wait! Is that James Franco with the cardinal?

lex [lexinthecity] said...

NEVER trust a turkey, especially a wild one. They are wily, evil creatures.
I'm so glad you survived.
Have you told the kids: "when it rains, God's peeing on you?".. they never believe me when I tell them that.

The Reason You Come said...

My, that was funny! You're some storyteller. Love the drawings, love the story you told your kids, but I'm weirded out by that "Turkey Armageddon" picture. WTF?

Am I glad I'm vegetarian.

K. said...

"On a related note: GIRLS TRY TO RUIN EVERYTHING."

...I feel really sorry for your daughter. I really hope there is someone in her life who, unlike you, does not treat her like shit and demean her they way you've done in this single sentence. I hope there is at least one person she can go to who will allow her to feel like a human being, despite having such a misogynistic prick for a dad.

K. said...

Seriously - between that comment and your obviously sexist and degrading images, I really, REALLY hope you are JOKING about having a daughter. That poor little girl....

Moooooog35 said...

Hey K,

Not sure if you realized this or not but this is a HUMOR blog and things I say - including, but not limited to, a fire-breathing turkey - are done for humor purposes, dummy. You sound like you need to get laid.

Moooooog35 said...

Also, K...I love my daughter. My kids are my life.

Now excuse me while I go look up 'misogynistic.'

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