I'm pretty sure they only keep me here for the entertainment | Mental Poo

Friday, February 04, 2011

I'm pretty sure they only keep me here for the entertainment

This year in the Northeast US we're getting belted with tons and tons of snow and if you think I'm kidding, look at this statistic from the National Weather Service:


Regardless, here in New Hampshire and Massachusetts we've gotten FIFTY INCHES OF SNOW in 30 days which is okay with me because where I work a lot of people commute literally 60 miles except for me who commutes, like, 7.

This means a lot of people 'work from home' which means 'fuck off and play XBox or watch porn or both if time allows.'

At least for me.

But one morning after a storm I decided that I didn't want to finish the next level of Borderlands so I went into work.


Well that was a stupid idea.

On a related note, I always find it humorous to see laborers shoveling and plowing two feet of snow because they're all Mexicans for some reason and you just have to know they're thinking:

"Sonofabitch. I picked the wrong border to cross."

So I get in and send my entire group the picture along with this email:


The only reply I got was from missing-tooth Dan.

If you're surprised Dan is missing a tooth then you are completely unfamiliar with New Hampshire and it's peoples.




Dan didn't reply but about an hour or so later my boss showed up so there goes my plan of heading home early.

So I wrote this post instead.

I guess it's a good thing I came to work then. Because I wouldn't have had the time to write this if I was home masturbating and playing XBox.

I mean, 'working from home.'

******************
Update:

Since no one anywhere in the United States seems to be talking about all this snow, I figured I'd give you an idea of what it looks like up here in Southern New Hampshire.

This is a parking lot of a local mall where the guys plowing have just decided, instead, to make Mount Everest. And, yes, there is actually a FLAG on the top of this thing which is roughly 50 feet high:



Also, this is what it looks like in my apartment's parking lot if you don't bother to clean off your cars EVER:


Those are not monster trucks.

To give you an idea of how much snow is actually on that car, you can see the side-view mirror sticking out the side of the one closest.

Also, my neighbor really is an asshole.

46 comments:

Christina_the_wench said...

I had a snow day Wednesday over here in fake Canada and I got paid for it too.

God, I love winter.

Maundering mutterer said...

No luck with snow for darkset Africans, or even the sort of mid-brownish with white bits ones. I got flooded in once, but I had to take leave so bang went my holidays!

ryoko861 said...

Love your map! Glad you included PA in the "Shit loads of snow". I have friends who live in Maine and would probably agree with you!

I will admit I've amassed a great deal of upper body strength from all the shoveling (did you know slush is heavier than snow?). I figure by the end of March I'll be able to bench press 300lbs or take on rock climbing.

I will say they did a marvelous job plowing perfectly around those cars. Nice, neat edges. That's skill!

Johannthecabbie said...

Mt Everest looks like the ultimate King of the Mountain hill. I can imagine a hundred people playing.

Mike said...

In Canada, instead of complaining about the snow, we make our houses out of it.

Vodka Logic said...

My parents live in NH and they have teeth. All of them in fact.

SarcasmInAction said...

I'm Canadian now??
Better learn that metric system quick.

Alli said...

We're in the Shitloads of Snow area too but I like to call it the Potential Reenactment of The Shining If The Kids Have One More Frigging Snow Day area.

Elly Lou said...

Boo. Hiss. Snow.

Make it end. Also make me a manservant that sings like Justin Timberlake and...you know what, just make him Justin Timberlake. Thanks, Santa.

Kev D. said...

That looks an awful lot like the parking lot where I work. It's freaking me out a little.

Granted, I assume that most parking lots around here look the same right now. i.e.: COVERED IN SNOW AND OVERFLOWING WITH SHOVELING MEXICANS.

StephanieC | Seriously? Really?? Seriously? said...

First off, that snow mound is AWESOME, and there is NO snow on the rest of the asphalt. Weird.

Also? I love that you sent that email to your co-workers. I assume your office mates appreciate, or at least acknowledge you have a great sense of humour.

Finally, you said something else I wanted to comment on, but now I forget.

Fuck.

It was probably really really funny.

meleah rebeccah said...

That amount of snow is just ridiculous. Between that and the toothless people, I don't think I'll be traveling to NH anytime soon.

Maxie said...

karma.

Eva Gallant said...

It's wonderful being retired and not having to go out in all that snow! But retired means "fixed income" and so far this winter I have had to shell out $175 to the guy who plows our driveway, $1700 for a new furnace, and $450 for a new hot water heater. This is not good. I may be featuring homemade peanut butter sandwiches on my "Sundays in My Neck of the Woods" blog postings!

pattypunker said...

i love working from home because it means i get to read all my favorite blogs while drinking.

also, my comments are more creative with franzia.

Ed said...

50" in 30 days?

Hahahahahahahahaha

Laporte, Indiana....48" of snow in 24 HOURS!

"Lake Effect Snow" beats "My name is Rod and I practically live in Canada Snow" anyday.

Mandy's Kidding said...

I live in Canada now? Does this mean I can speak French and not sound pretentious? Fantastique!

Nikki Rules said...

Oh I hear your pain, I'm in San Diego and I woke up to a cruelly painful 49 degrees! Is there no God? This MUST be the end of the world... (birds falling dead, realizing Egypt is in Africa, snow snow snow, cold Southern California and no Kindle surprise toys in the US)

Nikki Rules said...

Oh and side note, don't you think that the day they come up with a XBox game that is based on porn they'll be like a total instant success?

ツ my cyber house rules

SPEAKING FROM THE CRIB said...

As much as I hate to, and I think you know how much I do, I must agree with Ed. I live in what they call the "snowbelt" with lake effect snow and I haven't freaked the hell out one single time.

PS a lot of us keep you around for the entertainment :)

Asha said...

I'm in Oklahoma and "the national weather service" should have included it in the "not much snow but people freak the hell out anyway" section. We have barely a foot of snow and my kids haven't gone to school since Monday. WTF!?!?
http://www.ashafullife.blogspot.com

Ann said...

Like you I'm in the shitloads of snow area.

One of my friends just went home form work crying because one of her co-workers told her if she's got cracks (yes I said crack) forming in her walls and her house is creaking she should be at home getting the fucking snow off of the roof.

Still waiting to hear if she made it in time.

Now I gotta finish cleaning off my roof.

Sassy Stylings said...

New Hampshire looks more like Canada these days than Canada does.

Brutalism said...

Ha ha "underwear"...

steff said...

i haven't left the house for about a week now. mainly bc there's about an inch of ice coating my front step which connects to the walkway which connects to the driveway and the possibility of having to wear a full body cast until July will really ruin all those hours i've been spending at the fake n baking this winter.

also bc my car is covered in 8 inches of snow.

hey there neighbor!

Kelly said...

Woo-hoo! I live in the Happy Face part of the country. Where it is a bone-chilling, mind-numbing 59 degrees. American degrees. And sunny.

Yes, I'm smug.

Sarah Elizabeth said...

My grandmother told me this morning that we got about 70 inches of snow.

70.

70 fucking inches of goddamn snow.

Whether it is 50 or 70 I don't think it matters because the apocalypse is nigh, my friends.

Toe said...

I like that California is all smiles. We haven't even had a dusting of snow in three months.

I can't get any blog writing or twitter done at home either. Glad you took the trek to go to work where you can take care of that business.

The Sweetest said...

Yep, we're all smiles out here in La La Land. If you can ignore the traffic, and the rent, and maybe-legal immigrants, and the potholes, and the...

A Vapid Blonde said...

You know what's also fun about the snow, taking your dogs out and having them try to find a place to poop and then they drag you through the snow face down in your pajamas. That is almost as fun as defiling Missing Tooth Dan's mouse.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Our parking lot looks like that as well. Only with six foot snow banks on either side so it's like parking in a canyon. And also with lots of face prints on the snow and ice from me falling over and looking like an asshole. Today we had the first POSITIVE temps since November. Woo! Of course it's a temporary fluke. But hey. PLUS TWO BABY!

I'm sorry, was this post about you?

The Empress said...

oh, moooog, I got caught in a snow drift. and had to have the cops call a man named sparky to come pull me out and he charged me 60 bucks for 10 seconds.

and don't make a dirty joke out of that.

Al Penwasser said...

You don't have to wait to get home to masturbate. Those locks on the washroom stall doors are there for a reason (and it ain't just for pooping privacy).
Not that I've done that.
I just heard.
Gotta run.
I only have ten minutes before my shift ends.

Malach the Merciless said...

I want the summer back

Dr. Cynicism said...

"'work from home' which means 'fuck off and play XBox or watch porn or both if time allows.'" HAHAHA! I HATE those dudes that get to "work from home." Damn my short distance to work. And I love that you pointed out your asshole neighbor :-)

umseti said...

Oh, whatever, ya big baby! At least you have places to put it, because, you know, it's NEW HAMPSHIRE! New Hampshire was designed to store snow. It is one big storage facility. With trees. And Portsmouth. Come on down to NYC and try to find a place for the snow. Hell, even the rats are using skis.

Jewels said...

Sorry bout your asshole neighbor but kudos on you going in during the snow storm. I had to go every freaking day here in PA and we got a shit ton of snow too. I love the stuff if I have nowhere to go...but if I have to drive in it...hate it. NOT because I'm scared but because of the snowtards that have no idea how to drive in it and panic making things dangerous for everyone else.

Sorry...can you tell I'm over winter? And honestly how hard of a concept is it...you clean it off a little here and there and then you don't have a good 200 lbs of snow to clean off...not that hard!

PS...the map made me laugh my ass off. :-)

lostmymarble said...

most of the streets here are now one way(salem, ma)and everyone drives like a total dick

The Lissst! said...

Sometimes there just isn't anything better than missing a toof

Sandra said...

God you're funny! I once read a post from a blogger who said she didn't believe it when people wrote comments that they "were laughing so hard I was crying!" Obviously she's never read you.

Jeremy from We Took The Bait said...

Though Delaware is in the "Shitloads of Snow" region, we're yet to have a big snowfall.

But, every other day, it snows about an inch or so.

Just enough to make the commute interesting.

andygirl said...

so the only happy people are in California? dammit. I knew I shouldn't have left So Cal to live with the hippies.

Mrsblogalot said...

I say all this snow is a perfect excuse to take care of that asshole neighbor.

You can find a new place by Spring right?

Rico Swaff said...

I live in the Southeast point of "This Might Be Canada" and our winter has been generally mild compared to most years. However, a couple days ago we got pounded with 20 inches of that white stuff (PUN!) and people have been living like abonible snow people who live in caves ever since. We seriously had to dig holes/trails from our doors.

Joel Klebanoff said...

Thank goodness I live in Toronto, CANADA. We don't have anywhere near that much snow.

Opto-Mom said...

Hey! The Cowboys had a sucky year this year, but at least we have a team. And New Hampshire???

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