I'm Here to Help, People - Douche Canoe Edition | Mental Poo

Wednesday, April 06, 2011

I'm Here to Help, People - Douche Canoe Edition

From time to time one of my readers will ask me to help them respond to an email or caption a photo or bring them to multiple orgasms using only my feet and an unripened acorn.

We all have our niche.

As such, I got an email from Mr. Condescending:

Gee. Make fun of someone I don't even know?


Weird that someone would even ASK me that.


So it turns out that Mr. Condescending is in some online poker forum and this guy is just an all-around jackass who challenges people and then skips out on paying and THEN went so far as to make fun of another player's girlfriend WHO HAS CANCER:

This dickwad sounds classy.

The photo he attached of this guy?

Here you go:

Here's what I came up with for Mr. Condescending:

What I lack in penis size and girth, I more than make up for in douchebagishness.

You know that show, "Jersey Shore?" Well, I'm like "The Situation" but with less "Situation" and more "God, what a stupid cockbag."

I'm working on my impression of "Emeril Lagasse, Late Night."

The answer to the $500 Jeopardy question in the category, "Gay Fuckwads"

Dude, the 'smoldering look' only works if you don't resemble a Monchichi.

Wow. I had no idea The Gap sold suits.

Sure he got lots of numbers from chicks. Although most of them started with '555' or '1-800-go-fuck-yourself'

Sadly, for the World's female population, God's Gift to Women was purchased as "final sale only."

The answer to the question: "What has a camera phone, likes to point, and sucks a mean penis?"

After three tries, he was finally able get his camera to stop autofocusing on his eyebrows.


That took me 3 minutes.

Time well spent, people, because even though you won't buy any of my mugs or shirts, I'm still here for you.

You and the Monchichi Emeril Lagasse douche canoe.

You're welcome.


Anonymous said...

I am still laughing! You are awesome-and the guy seems to deserve it. Way to lend a helping hand!

Rachele said...

What a great helper you are. I hope that guy gets what's coming to him. Sounds like it's gonna be ugly.

Christina_the_wench said...

His game is kinda rusty? What game? Lying to himself maybe. Is that considered game?

I am using this pic to show my two teen daughters what NOT to look for in a man. You did your public service. Good job.

A Vapid Blonde said...

Ooooooh, how about:

"This is the face of constipation."

A Vapid Blonde said...

Also I wonder how many times did he have to take the picture to get the right blend of "Hey Ladies." and "Look at my swarthiness" in his own feeble mind.

Lynn MacDonald said...

Hahaha...the guy sounds like a real prince. I hope I never piss you off...

Oh wait a minute, maybe it would be fun!

Anonymous said...

And 'cockbag' is now the word of the day. Thank you.

Deb said...

-->"How you doin'?" is the thought cloud over his head.

MrsBlogAlot said...

HAAA! That was the best three minutes ever!! (insert TWSS here) Nobody does this better than you!

The Random Blogette said...

What a fuckstick! That guy deserves everything you throw at him!

Unknown said...

Ah, I adore dipshits like this guy. They make my world SO very much more entertaining. :)

Ed said...

Where is he taking this pic?

In the bathroom at prom?

Bet he didn't get laid that night either.

And dude, I would totally buy your products if they were free.

Or if they maybe had hot chics on them and stuff.

Or came with hot chics.

John said...

My mom loves this picture of me.

Mike said...

Wow. That guy sure talks a mean game for an obvious virgin.

SisterMerryHellish said...

Way to ruin Monchichi's for me!

The second to the last one made me spit. And I don't spit. I swallow.

meleah rebeccah said...

Oh my god, these are sofa king funny. I can't stop laughing.

My favorites are:

"You know that show, "Jersey Shore?" Well, I'm like "The Situation" but with less "Situation" and more "God, what a stupid cockbag."


"After three tries, he was finally able get his camera to stop autofocusing on his eyebrows."


You rock, Moog!

PorkStar said...

LMAO i'll go for number one.

Elly Lou said...

You had me at monchichi.

Chris said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Chris said...

Actually, he's less Emeril, more Cake Boss.

Cock Boss?


ClevelandPoet said...

you sir are a hero. A true patriot.


You know that show, "Jersey Shore?" Well, I'm like "The Situation" but with less "Situation" and more "God, what a stupid cockbag."

may have been my favorite.

if there was ever a picture that just screams please stab me repeatedly it is that one.

Moooooog35 said...

My apologies and thank you all for commenting but I'm totally way behind in responding to comments today because I've been working/drawing a cartoon involving age spots.

Priorities, people. Priorities.

SarcasmInAction said...

I owned that same cell phone FOUR YEARS ago.
What a manly man.
His middle name is sure to be "car salesman"

MommaKiss said...

while i'm certainly fond of douche canoe, douche nozzle has been a current fave. taking over? cockbag.



wanna cockbag me some day soon?

J.J. in L.A. said...

The dude looks like the character 'Brick' in the ABC show The Middle. He's 9.

And if you're trying to impress 'the womens', get a better fitting suit, take a pic with a smartphone (not a cheapass enV) and eat some fiber so you don't look so constipated.

LakeRat said...

Now we know why Bernard the elf wasn't in The Santa Clause 3... he's turned into a cockbag.


Mr. Condescending said...

Sorry I've been a stranger. Moog when I need to superfuse some humor into something I have no other choice but to call upon you sir.

Chunky Mama said...

The comments are as great as the post.
Way to start my morning with a laugh guys!

Cake Betch said...

A dude that makes fun of people with cancer!? Wow! That sounds JUST like a guy who is a certified pimp!

gopopgo said...

Douchey Eddie Munster says, "How you doin?"

Mandy said...

you use Yahoo? You're really showing your age.

Suniverse said...

You, sir, are an American hero.

Well done.

Alexandra said...

Again, Moooog?


You kill me.

Laugh out loud sitting in front of this screen kill me.

Loving "sucks a mean penis."

I'm so lucky you love me, or I'd be quartered and hung to dry.

Sober Julie said...

Sofa King hilarious somehow I want to call him Gino

TheNextMartha said...

You need to start this post with an "Empty liquids" warning.

I could get used to this type of post. Carry on.

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