Pickles Need Room to Run, Too. | Mental Poo

Friday, April 22, 2011

Pickles Need Room to Run, Too.

Since my divorce, I've only been in my apartment for 6 months and so far I've had my newspapers stolen, was gang-raped (allegedly) by a group of immense parking-lot turkeys and have seen more people in wife-beater tank tops then one normally sees during a full-day marathon of "Cops."

I thought I'd seen everything until I was leaving with my kids one morning when I heard my daughter yell:

"PICKLES!!"

Pickles?

I turn to see my daughter pointing at this:

free range pickles
Ah, yes.

Because why WOULDN'T there be pickles loitering outside my apartment?

I have no idea why the apartment lawn is littered with pickles but I can only assume is that someone didn't tighten the jar all the way and, sensing an upcoming 'ham and cheese sandwich massacre,' the pickles - bless their briny hearts - made a break for it.

Obviously.

Enter Twitter:


I figured the world should know.

Or at least that stork. He might be completely oblivious to the pickle plight.

********************

Not one to ignore an obvious marketing opportunity, I give you THIS:


Save the pickles. Save the world.

That's poetry, people.

Just so you know, in case you can't read it, the pickle outside the jar is simply saying: "I'll come back for you."

You can buy the shirt here.

******************

UPDATE:

The Vlasic Stork actually re-Tweeted me:


"Crunch."

Ah.

Such classic Vlasic Stork.

Love that bird.

23 comments:

A Vapid Blonde said...

How is it you posted from the future?

HeathRobots said...

So, wait. Did the Vlassic Stork murder the free range pickles? Why is he so preoccupied with pickles in the first place? He should be delivering babies. I've got a bad feeling about him. Never trust a bird in a bow tie.

Anonymous said...

Can't you see?
It's perfect symmetry.
The pickle meets pork (or ham, etc.),
which brings the stork.
It has ever been thus.... Wife beater tank tops. Sweet... What is that object central to the pickles that looks like a floor drain or perhaps a small spacecraft? Is your apartment perhaps near a trailer park or a bog or energy vortex/Ley line because that is where these pickle aliens are known to appear. LL

Opto-Mom said...

LMAO @ "Free-Range Apartment Pickles."

Very appropriate post for Earth Day!

Dave said...

I just got my pickle license - I can now legally shoot several large kosher dills and a basket full of those damn gherkin pickles.
If you hear gunshots in your 'hood don't be alarmed. It's not the Bloods and the Crips it'll be me hunting the elusive pickle in it's natural habitat.

jack mehoff said...

in my appartment experience something like this could only be explained by crackheads and drunk college guys - or me i could see me throwing phallic shaped fruits and veggies from the third floor balcony of our appartment back in the day....somebody got dilled.

tokenblogger said...

Pickles really are a terrible thing to waste.

A Vapid Blonde said...

Now I look like a moron. Because it's now today and no longer the future. Sigh.

Also it looks like someone went pickle fishing and they were too small so they threw them back.

It's like deadliest catch but with pickles. And the crabs are probably so small you can only really see them with a magnifying glass and some medicinal ointment.

I'm shutting the hell up right now.

Knight said...

Didn't you know pickles are used to ward off evil spirits? I can't tell you how many times I've been slapped in the face by a pickle.

How did that imagery work out for you?

Eva Gallant said...

I think this was one of your funniest posts yet! and your Tweet was priceless! thanks for the huge laugh!

jack mehoff said...

knight prompted me to do a google search for pickle slappin

how could i forget barry....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s27wOS-Ada8

"im just lookin for a lil slappin pickle"

SisterMerryHellish said...

Zoning laws here are so strict. They'd never allow a free-range pickle farm in the neighborhood!

Clearly I need to move.

SumSum said...

I think all of our problems could be solved with *CRUNCH*...
Vlasic Stork for President!

Michael said...

I'm suspicious. #suspiciouspickles

tsonodablog said...

Funnyliscious. Why am I suddenly craving pickles? And i want to eat them outside. Weird....

dbs said...

Obviously, one of Kardashian girls dropped them there.

Copyboy said...

Hey, pickle farms are valuable. You're very lucky! BTW...made you blog of the day.

N4M3L3SS said...

awesome following u!

Rico Swaff said...

Pickles are a substitute for handguns for those wife-beater tank top kids who endure unfortunate financial circumstances and are unable to afford a real gun.

Lauren said...

Sometimes huge mushrooms grow in the lawn outside my apt. Don't know what they're doing there but I guess they make more sense than pickles.

John said...

What is it with pickles finding their way to single people? Soon after breaking up with my fiance after graduating college, some friends of mine drove down from NYC to do a sanity check (dumping her was amongst the smartest things I've ever done).

In my fridge, my friends saw an empty 12 pack of Yuengling Lager, a full case of orange soda, and an industrial-sized, unopened bottle of dill pickles.

I have no idea what the latter two were doing in there.

meleah rebeccah said...

"Free-Range Apartment Pickles" = HILARIOUS

Stacie's Madness said...

Classic...oh...see what I did there?

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