Right before the kids and I walk into my one-bedroom shithole apartment and smell the wondrous odors filling the hallway of whatever rodent/stray animal my neighbors are obviously broiling in a steaming pot of piss, and listen to the beautiful cacaphony of sounds known as 'people screaming in Spanish,' we take a moment to soak in the fresh night air and look up at the heavens above.
After I finish crying and saying "WHY?!" over and over again, I take the time to point out some of the constellations to my kids.
When you have no money, this counts as 'entertainment.'
Right above us is Orion.
If there's one thing you can say about the Greeks it's that "rumor has it their men like it in the butt" but if there's TWO things you can say about the Greeks the first one is the butt thing but the second would be "damn..they imagine some crazy shit."
It's now painfully obvious to me that the Greeks were probably spiking their baklava while shoving olives in their eyes because if I was to name this constellation based on what I saw, it would be less 'fearsome valiant hunter' and more 'hot broad in a sleeveless summer sundress.'
This led me to think what the other constellations would be depicted as if they were just being discovered and named today.
ROLL THE TAPE!
LEO THE LION
Ah. Leo the Lion.
Not so majestic.
Somehow, though, still kind of fearsome.
Because if 'two somewhat adjacent dots in the night sky' screams anything to me it's 'dog.'
Fine. I can play that way, too.
Now I will never go to sleep again.
IT'S TIME FOR INTERMISSION!!
Found this picture in my house that my son drew:
Don't ask me.
I have no idea but I thought it was appropriate being a picture of a star (I think) and this post about constellations and - believe it or not - there are TONS OF ANGRY STAR PHOTOS AROUND MY APARTMENT.
I fear him.
Just to be fair, here's something my daughter drew of the stuff on my kitchen table:
I don't know what the maraca is doing on the table other than my daughter may have been inspired to draw something Spanish based on ALL THE SCREAMING FROM MY NEIGHBORS!
On the bright side, at least the shit on my table isn't angry like my son's star.
So when I was Googling 'Gemini' I kept coming up with pictures that I couldn't tell if they were boys and girls so I'm going to assume they're both sexes.
Kind of like Ru Paul.
Either way..I don't know how you get two people out of that.
King Kong would look up at that and want to climb that shit.
Here's what I got:
On a related note:
Pam Anderson has climbed that shit.
Also gives new meaning to 'wishing upon a star' although, I'm sure for Tommy Lee, it really doesn't matter who you are.
This brings up the obvious question:
What's oral sex called for stars? Constellatio?
CANCER THE CRAB
I feel pretty bad for this crab given the cancer and everything, but I don't understand how you get a crab out of a letter 'Y.'
Y a crab?
I like this better:
*adjusts zoom on telescope
And JUST LIKE THAT the Gemini Twins are resurrected and we finally get an answer - once and for all - whether they're male or female.
I think these apartment odors are fucking with me. I should go outside and get me some fresh night air.