It's Either the Big Dipper or a Chupacabra | Mental Poo

Monday, May 23, 2011

It's Either the Big Dipper or a Chupacabra

Right before the kids and I walk into my one-bedroom shithole apartment and smell the wondrous odors filling the hallway of whatever rodent/stray animal my neighbors are obviously broiling in a steaming pot of piss, and listen to the beautiful cacaphony of sounds known as 'people screaming in Spanish,' we take a moment to soak in the fresh night air and look up at the heavens above.

After I finish crying and saying "WHY?!" over and over again, I take the time to point out some of the constellations to my kids.

When you have no money, this counts as 'entertainment.'

Right above us is Orion.

If there's one thing you can say about the Greeks it's that "rumor has it their men like it in the butt" but if there's TWO things you can say about the Greeks the first one is the butt thing but the second would be "damn..they imagine some crazy shit."

It's now painfully obvious to me that the Greeks were probably spiking their baklava while shoving olives in their eyes because if I was to name this constellation based on what I saw, it would be less 'fearsome valiant hunter' and more 'hot broad in a sleeveless summer sundress.'

This led me to think what the other constellations would be depicted as if they were just being discovered and named today.



Ah. Leo the Lion.

Majestic. Fearsome.


Not so majestic.

Somehow, though, still kind of fearsome.

Canis Minor


Because if 'two somewhat adjacent dots in the night sky' screams anything to me it's 'dog.'

Fine. I can play that way, too.


Now I will never go to sleep again.


Found this picture in my house that my son drew:

Don't ask me.

I have no idea but I thought it was appropriate being a picture of a star (I think) and this post about constellations and - believe it or not - there are TONS OF ANGRY STAR PHOTOS AROUND MY APARTMENT.

I fear him.

Just to be fair, here's something my daughter drew of the stuff on my kitchen table:

I don't know what the maraca is doing on the table other than my daughter may have been inspired to draw something Spanish based on ALL THE SCREAMING FROM MY NEIGHBORS!

On the bright side, at least the shit on my table isn't angry like my son's star.





So when I was Googling 'Gemini' I kept coming up with pictures that I couldn't tell if they were boys and girls so I'm going to assume they're both sexes.

Kind of like Ru Paul.

Either way..I don't know how you get two people out of that.

King Kong would look up at that and want to climb that shit.

Here's what I got:

On a related note:

Pam Anderson has climbed that shit.

Also gives new meaning to 'wishing upon a star' although, I'm sure for Tommy Lee, it really doesn't matter who you are.

This brings up the obvious question:

What's oral sex called for stars? Constellatio?



I feel pretty bad for this crab given the cancer and everything, but I don't understand how you get a crab out of a letter 'Y.'

Y a crab?

No idea.

I like this better:

*adjusts zoom on telescope

And JUST LIKE THAT the Gemini Twins are resurrected and we finally get an answer - once and for all - whether they're male or female.


I think these apartment odors are fucking with me. I should go outside and get me some fresh night air.


notactuallygod said...

It's a little suspect that you see a constellation shaped like the tower of Pisa, but your first thought is "what a nice big cock, reminds me of Tommy Lee".

Any other disclosures you'd care to make before the next Rapture?

Anonymous said...

I am sorry to be reading this before completing my first cup of coffee. The few brain cells that don't depend on caffeine to activate have informed me that this post is freaking brilliant. I might even read it again when the rest of the guys have woken up.

Windsor Grace said...

First of all, your apartment sounds like a nightmare, jesus. And, your imagination is very full...good job on lusting after stars. Lastly, we know that some of the Greeks had to love taking it in the ass. It all has to even out, you know? Like the women who are dating gay guys and "enjoy" taking it up the butt.

Elly Lou said...

Heh. You said "crab nebula." Heh.

Alison said...

Your brain really works in mysterious ways.

Thanks for that Britney visual. I just threw up a little in my mouth.

I quite like your daughter's drawings. You should consider selling that as real art. It's much better than some of the shit I've seen masquerading as art.

Knight said...

I love being a Gemini. I'm totally getting Tommy Lee's c...onstellation tattoed as a tramp stamp.

Your son has obviously been watching Alien because that beak is clearly the smaller mouth coming out to eat people while it shits into the sun.
I'm worried about your daughter seeing faces in inanimate objects. Do they speak to her as well? The bowl looks like a child molester.

Stacey said...

Awesome Chupacabra. Your children will kill you in your sleep at some point.

Coffeypot said...

I think the ancient Greeks tripped on acid. They saw some weird shit in the sky.

Unknown said...

Hmm....I think I've said it have way too much time on your hands. lol

Ed said...


I want to take your Astronomy class.

Betting a trip to the "Planetarium" with you would basically involve watching porn on the ceiling.

As it should.

Anonymous said...

Ah, the Crab Nuebula! That's a good one!

Kev D. said...

I would have gone with WHALETAIL for the last one. But, New Gemini is pretty rad too.

The Napkin eating the Pepper shaker is probably one of the creepiest pictures I've ever seen. Tell your kid to start an art blog.

Jay Ferris said...

I find this reassuring, because if I ever do end up believing in a God, I want it to be one who has adorned the heavens with celebrity genitalia.

meleah rebeccah said...

This is hilarious as usual. Thank you for this Astronomy lesson. I will never be able to look at the stars the same way ever again!

So. Cal. Gal said...

Being a Cancer myself, I like your interpretation better. You can't tell, but I do have the boobage.

ThePeachy1 said...

this is much better, but you can call Tommy Lee's huge constellation the crab... I feel real bad for any dude to go behind him.... ahem..

Vinny C said...

You, sir, clearly on of the greatest astrological theorists of our time.

Ellie said...

Just started reading your blog. Damn, you're funny :)

Ian C said...

Sir I feel I must bring to your attention an error in your post.
The constellation of Cancer has actually been renamed Camelodigitus due to the discovery of another star in that region. You will find the story here
Otherwise a very informative post. Thankyou.

Handflapper said...

Finally astronomy makes sense. I wish you had been around when I had to take that damn class in college.

Lady Estrogen said...

Those Gemini twins are WAY better.
I think the Greeks were on mushrooms when they came up with the original constellations.

AND no wonder they cast Nicolas Cage as Castor Troy - he's a spitting image to that line drawing - without a doubt.

Kris said...

Alright, I tried to comment a while back, but Blogger gave me the finger and deleted my genius.

I love you so much that I have come back to try again.

And to tell you to get the hell off of Blogger.

Make a note.


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